I think I have impaired social skills

[m00nstone]

... and that's an understatement. I'm young, early 20s, so I should really be living life to the fullest and enjoying time with multitudes of friends and dating people and such, right? I know that's the cookie-cutter view of things, but I'd like even 10% of that. Sometimes I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, but my "symptoms" aren't that serious.

 

My situation: I am an introvert, so I suppose some of my problems are to be blamed on that. However, I spent most of my time up until college being sheltered and rather mean. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere in high school and made some superficial friends, none of whom are my friends today. In college, things got a little better. I found my niche of friends, a small circle with whom I'm fairly close. Now that I'm in graduate school and we've all scattered, I'm finding it difficult to make new friends. I have semi-panic attacks in situations involving new people and don't like going out because I don't like feeling awkward when I have no one to talk to. That's my fault.

 

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I like this? In social situations, I would probably describe myself as completely weird! As an adjunct, I get really, really involved in my relationships, and I think this is because I have such a hard time making friends that when I do have a boyfriend, it's like I put faith in him to be my "social circle." I don't drop my friends when I am in a relationship. It's more like my boyfriend at the time will serve as the rest of the friends that I wish I had. That doesn't make any sense, I think. Breakups are devastating to me, as they are for many, but I've had one of my friends say that she's never seen anyone take breakups as badly as I do. Her theory is that that is because I really understand the depth of a relationship, which is something that she claims not many people my age understand. (She's my age, btw.)

 

Does anyone else feel like this? What have you done to help yourself? I want to enjoy my 20's (as much as I can in graduate school, anyway) and be more social, and on the rare occasion that I suck it up and go out with a large group of people, I usually have fun, although that is after a series of panic attacks, much self-doubting and -loathing on my part, and convincing on my friends' parts.

[lazlow99]

Yeah I can understand what you're saying. I don't think I'm as introverted as you but I do get nervous in some social situations (I used to be a lot worse). The only way around it is to force yourself to meet new people and be around people. The more you get out there and do stuff the more you forget about being self conscious and the better you will become. Being nervous and shy comes from thinking too much, like ''what shall I say?'' ''do they like me?'' ''am I being stupid?'' etc When you forget about these things you'll just be yourself and chances are people will like you.

 

I was amazed during my 1st year at University that people actually liked me and I could make people laugh. It depends how comfortable I am and who I'm with most of the time. But remember to not blame yourself if you don't get on with everyone, some people are just idiots, rude, ignorant of others and you need to remember that's there problem not yours.

 

There is an up side to being introverted, and thats that you do develop a greater understanding of relationships and other peoples feelings. But sometimes you need to just let go of all that and be yourself and have a laugh.

[m00nstone]

Thanks for the advice! All of those exact thoughts race through my head before, during, and after any social situation that doesn't just involve my best friends.

 

Recently, I've felt like I've been living a lie my whole life. Up through most of college, I would say, I put on a persona that, in high school, pushed people away because I was scared of them, and in college, made people laugh and believe that I was a cynical, jaded, little b**ch. Towards the end of college, I realized that it was just very taxing to keep up the act. Plus, my boyfriend at the end of college was someone I'd known very well since middle school, so he always knew that that was not the "real" me and tried to help me be the "real" me. It was hard, being as I didn't even know what that meant at the time.

 

Maybe I should have pursued a career in acting... not too big a market for Asians, is there? Or politics... both are founded on lying to people, basically. On a serious note, anyone else have this problem? Sometimes I feel like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy: I think I have impaired social skills, and I think I'm debilitatingly shy, so I become that.

[solo_flyer]

Yeah that sounds a lot like me.

 

Try http://www.meetup.com. You can find lots of "friends" meetups where you meet up with people for movies, restaurants, sports, pub nights, hobbies, karaoke, and many many other activities. There are even other "introverts" groups, but I didn't go to them because I don't go out to meet introverts.

 

I go to 4-5 meetups every month and it's a really fantastic social exercise, and you make more friends and social connections too.