I've been contacting my ex boyfriend...

[HellsandBells]

I'm a 26 year old female. My ex boyfriend broke up with me in January after 5 years. We were in love and had a future planned so it was devastating to me. His feelings changed although he later admitted that he liked someone else, who he started going out with 5 weeks later. I have known all along that not contacting him is the way to go but I haven't managed it. I do actually think I'm getting over him. I've kept myself busy and have started new things such as art class and a book club, and have seen my friends a lot.

 

After 5 months, I can have a happy few weeks and do not want to contact him. I barely think about it. Then one thing can get me upset about it all again and that's all I want to do - text him to tell him how upset I am. I know part of me just wants him to feel a bit sad about it too. He's actually been very understanding and has talked to me when I've rang him and usually replies when I text him. I always hate the fact that I've done it afterwards and end up apologising for contacting him. I've contacted him about every 3 weeks on average, sometimes txting and sometimes talking. I am nearly always upset and he has been too at times, as he doesn't like how he's hurt me.

 

I bumped into an old work colleague of ours yesterday who didn't have a clue that we'd broken up. She asked if we were getting married yet, and I had to tell her what had happened. I got upset again and texted him to tell him. It wasn't a nasty text and I never pine over him or throw myself at him (I have known since week one there was no chance of getting back together and it soon went too far for that anyway). I just tell him how upset I've been. I spoke to him this morning to apologise for texting him when I got upset. He told me straight that he was not the same man to me and he wouldn't be replying to all my texts. He wasn't 'mean' about it, and tried to make it quite light, saying it wasn't doing me any good either. Said that I should try not to stay in touch for a while.

 

Now I completely understand this and can't believe it's taken him 5 months to say it!! I think I've felt ok contacting him because I knew he'd mostly reply or talk to me, and it was my way of seeing that he still cared a little bit about me. That's been very important really. Not because I want his love or anything, but because I think that him caring is the least I deserve after 5 years. We were also very good friends for 3 years before we went out. The realisation that he only cares a tiny bit has been hard, and half of me wishes that he'd have told me months ago, not to contact him straight, instead of trying to be understanding.

 

He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. And I told him this, saying that when I'm upset, I'm still used to texting him to talk about it. I have another best friend who isn't in to talking about feelings (not just with me, just at all!) and another who has been there for me but has been going through much worse than me.

 

I'm so furious with myself for still contacting him after 5 months. He's had a lot of patience with me and is obviously sorry for how he treated me in our last months together and our first couple of months apart (he's a nice fella but he did treat me shamefully at times). But I hate that it's come to the point where he's asked me not to text him. Not because I want to text him, but because I never wanted to be the ex-girlfriend that couldn't let go. But I am.

 

I feel like I've lost my self-respect over this as most times we've talked I've been upset. I'm not angry at him anymore, but I'll tell him why I'm upset, etc. Also told him this morning that I was sorry, but I haven't got a best friend like he used to be and so he's still the first person I think of contacting when I'm upset. I wish I hadn't have told him that and I feel thoroughly pathetic for doing it. Why was I honest?!

 

It's given me a kick up the backside anyway, as there's no way I'm contacting a person who's asked me to back off a little.

 

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's failed to stop contacting their ex? I feel thoroughly pathetic at the moment and wished I'd have had more willpower and a bit more self-respect. Hate that I told him I didn't have another friend like I used to have.

 

I think it's safe to say it will be non-contact from here on in. (Fingers crossed!)

 

Just feeling down about this, like I'm the only idiot in the village. I posted this on my usual forum and was met with comments of 'he's a b****d' or 'you're acting like a lovesick teenager' or 'he probably hates you' (among the kinder comments), which I don't think are correct, supportive or particulary constructive. I'm not a fool, I know exactly how undignified I've behaved by contacting him.

 

I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who was so cr*p at non contact here. And maybe for a bit more support?

[Taucher]

Hello, Firstly, it sounds like you are very self aware and will now be able to get over this. It is hard to get over such a shocking event (after 5 years + 3 of friendship!) and now that he has taken this step to tell you that it might be better for you to stop contacting him, you will hopefully get back to your old, brilliant self much quicker.

 

I completely understand. My gf left me 3 weeks ago (after 4 years together = 3 years as friends) and I am still desperate to contact her every day, the urge to do it can be quite overwhelming, but I havent contacted her ina week now - although she has contacted me on several occassions, which, in the long run, probably doesn't help me at all.

 

You say that you contacted your ex to prove to yourself that he still cares for you. It is obvious to me that he does still care about you - he answered your phone, spoke to you and, in a way, gently suggesting that you dont contact each other is quite a caring thing to do also.

 

You should not be hard on yourself - if he was answering the phone and being nice to you, then there is no reason why you wouldn't think that calling is a good idea. However, in order to move on, it's probably best that you try to put yourself first - but I think you have realised this.

 

Take care.

 

Tx

[TheBigCow]

Its quite possible he has asked you to stop contacting him for your sake. If he still cares about you (as a friend) then he probably doesn't like to see you like this, but he probably knows that keeping in contact with you will only postpone the process of getting over him.

 

I took a long time to stop contacting my ex as well once I was convinced she didn't care about me anymore but we talked recently after 2 months NC (I know I broke it, but she contacted me!) and she really did express concern over how I was (she also left me for someone else.. which is presumably how you felt?).

 

Even the strongest people I know have become clingy and the "won't let go" type after serious breakups, especially when loosing a best friend.. so don't feel bad or weak.. but you do need to move on and NC is the quickest and (eventually) easiest way.

 

Oh and I believe in you ! Post here whenever you're feeling weak or in need of a friend

[Gottabestrong]

Hey, you are definitely not the only one who kept contacting her ex after a breakup.

 

I understand how you feel about needing to see that he still cares about you. An ex of mine was very good about taking my calls and replying to my texts. I knew I should not contact him anymore, but whenever I felt really down and missed him like crazy I would send him a short text about nothing in particular. And when he replied (which he nearly always did) I felt much better. It did not matter what he wrote, just the fact that he still cared enough about me to reply, that's what I needed to see.

 

I finally stopped contacting him on my own after a few months, because I realized that continuing to be in contact with him was delaying my healing process. He never told me to stop contacting him, but I think that's because I did not tell him how I really felt, and instead contacted him about nonsense like some news item or a victory by my favorite team, etc.

 

So don't feel too bad about it. It is very human to want to hang on to a person you loved and still care about and he obviously cares about you too, or he would not have replied or told you to back off a little in a nice, sorta joking way. He still cares about you, but unfortunately your relationship is over and after 5 months you should stop telling him how upset you are about the breakup.

 

Don't worry that you will never see him or talk to him again, he obviously is open to a friendship with you in the future. This knowledge helped me to back off because I always knew in the back of my head if I could not stand the NC anymore, I could just give him a call and he would most probably pick up and talk to me. Luckily I never broke down and contacted him after that, even though it took me a long time to stop thinking about him.

 

I think you are very mature and self-aware about the situation, so I am sure you are going to be fine.

 

Good luck and I promise it will get easier with time!

[isthmus]

Wow... i can relate to so many of the things you've just said.

 

I haven't been able to stop contacting my ex either because to me, he is still like a best friend and the one i want to talk to when i'm upset.

 

He's also with someone new now and he knows it hurts me (even though ours was a mutual break-up)... and he hates that it does. He talks to me about it when I get upset and I usually feel better afterwards... but Im worried that he'll tell me to stop contacting him one day too, even though I know it will be because he thinks its best for me. Most of our convos are fine and we laugh like we used to.... its just every now and then something reminds me of us or her and i can't take it and i let him know how i feel.

 

When he first told me he was with someone new, it shattered me and i tried to initiate NC. He was pretty cut about my decision but understood and told me that he'd be there waiting when I was ready to be friends again. NC didn't work, however, because I had so many things left unsaid. So we talked and have been talking ever since.

[azraf]

i wanted to call my ex and decided to log on here instead to distract myself.i can totally relate with you. i broke up with my ex of 2.5 years 2 weeks ago, because ex cheated on me and i found out and my ex told me that feel like we're more of a friend now etc and been on NC since. The first two days after the break up i received texts and phone calls but refused to answer or reply any of it and the last sms my ex told me "i will not call anymore, i know you told me not to contact you or text but i just wanted to hear your voice to note how you're doing and i still love you and miss you etc and hope to hear from you one day".2 weeks has passed and now im yearning to call my ex because i miss terribly. My ex has always been nice and been there for me all the time and even said that cant lose me completely.sigh.my ex has prolly moved on with the new person by now and not think of me anymore and it breaks my heart knowing that they can move on happily together and i have to mend this broken heart by myself. My ex was my bestfriend too so i can totally relate to you but the good thing is ive got many friends to keep me going. Most of them think ive moved on quite quickly seeing that in two weeks ive gone on a roadtrip, started hitting the gym again and at most times im back to my usual chripy person that i am, but sometimes when im alone i cant help but to just dial and call and tell my ex to give it one more try and i love my ex and deep down i miss my ex so much it hurts.im afraid of breaking the NC because i think it has helped me gained some perspective about our relationship but i am unsure if my ex is ok or not. i kinda regret not replying the text becase maybe things could change.i dont know.i hate feeling like as if there is a tinge of hope that one day my ex will be crawling back to me.i hope im not being indenial about my feelings. I wish you all the best. i know its easier said than done but i genuinely hope you will find someone new.

[BearPower]

Im sure just about everyone on this site will tell you how CRAP I have been at NC.

I have fallen out with people on LS and been shouted at, swarn at....seriously.

 

I miss my ex too, but the BEST chance any of us have at being in a good place to deal with the future, whatever it holds, is NC from here on out until we are strong enough to deal with things on our own.

 

 

I was so bad at it that, at the point when I could have had a chance to turn things round, I didnt.

 

Know why?

 

Beacuse I was crap at it.

I would break it, and it would push her away, more and more, further and further.

Basicly screwed myself of a 2nd chance in the near future.LOL

 

So please dont beat yourself up about it. GO NO CONTACT NOW!!!

Pull a vanishing act.........

 

No one knows what the future holds.

 

SoulBear

[HellsandBells]

Thanks for all your replies. Here's hoping this time I can seriously do it!

[SweetyBear]

You absolutely can do it. It's so, so hard, but you are an intelligent put-together sounding person. I wasn't with my ex so long as you were or for as long as some of the other posters. I, too, have taken a blow to my pride to be the girl who can't just accept it for what it is and move on. Some days, like you, I'm fine. I feel happy. At first, anytime I was alone I would turn to thoughts of him and I would be done for. I texted him like ten times one night because I had been to calling hours of a woman younger than me and got to thinking how stupid that we're broken up, we can make this work, life is short, etc., etc. My last text to him that night was it kills me that you're so indifferent to me. He finally replied I am not indifferent. I'm just at work. So, he's not indifferent. I've come to realize that the fact that he's not indifferent to my pain doesn't mean he cares in the same way and definitely doesn't mean he wants to be back with me. For me, the reason I kept contacting him was that I thought about it all the time. I kept thinking there's one thing and if I can just think of it and say it, he'll be back. Well, it really didn't matter what I did, he didn't come back. I'm on day 11 of complete no contact and today for some reason it's really hard. I keep thinking he's forgotten or something even though I know that's not true. I feel very silly and girlish for my thoughts and actions, but I'm realizing it's pretty normal. Here I am, though, a mother of two, a professional and a student. I have so much in my life for which I am thankful and also to be proud of and happy about, but I'm miserable. I'm not playing the lovesick teenager anymore because it's beneath my dignity; however, she schemes and plans all the same in my head. I just choose not to act on it for right now.