Feeling Heartbroken

[berry_oh]

*My story is somewhat long, and I really want to get some feedback on this. So the following is a back story of what's been going on with me. If you don't have time, or don't really feel like reading it, just scroll down until you see the "------" and read from there *

 

I met this girl back in high school. She was my friend's girlfriend and the three of us entered college. She and her boyfriend broke up about a year and a half ago, and she was pretty devastated. She and I were friends, I was there for her helping her any way I could. I was crazy in love with someone else at the time as well. Me and her were friends and it wasn't until recently that things changed.

 

In January, she went through a difficult moment in her life and called me to come see her. Naturally I did and we ended up cuddling that night and I helped her out a lot. After that, she and I became closer. We would call each other time to time and spend hours on the phone talking until one of us absolutely had to leave or we really had to do homework. Spring Break came and we were hung out a lot. We were even laying in bed facing each other and just talked. Overall, we started becoming very comfortable with each other, and I couldn't help but think that maybe we were starting to become more than just friends.

I eventually talked to her about this, and asked her if there was something going on between us. Her reaction wasn't what I was expecting. She just said "wait.. what?" and then she asked me to explain myself. We sat holding each other on my couch, I was holding her hand, and i told her that I was starting to have feelings for her. I eventually took her home and she kissed me on the cheeks.

A friend of mine told me that I shouldn't give up because she could have completely turned me down, but didn't. and that no girl would give a guy a kiss if it didn't mean something.

 

So the following week, I decided to take a chance and asked her out on a date. No obligations, no forcing her to go out with me afterwards, just one date with me. And she said yes, with no hesitation I might add.

We went to dinner and then went mini golfing. I wanted to give us a place where we could be a little romantic, but also casual-ish and fun. We both had a very good time. Afterwards we went to the park (it has sentimental meaning to us. We've spent many hours there talking before)

We walked around the park for about an hour, holding hands. The thing was, it didn't feel like I was the one doing all the work. She was holding my hands too. We were both playing with each other's hands. I wrapped her arms around me and we hugged for a while. Then I had to get serious and I told her that I had feelings for her. She told me she didn't want things to change and wanted to just stay friends. She said she didn't want to go out and has always seen me as just a friend. It was hard for her telling me this, but I accepted it. There wasn't anything else I could do.

 

So the next 2 months has not been the easiest for me. I went on and off for her. There will be times when I felt strong, but other times when I just miss her. We didn't talk very much. She was the initiator of conversation. I just couldn't bring myself to open up as I used to. We left each other messages on facebook. It's pretty much like emailing each other in my opinion. And the few times she's called me, I made sure our conversations did not go past an hour. I was trying hard to see her as just a friend again, but it's been difficult.

 

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So I fell for my friend. We became very close and very comfortable with each other, spending hours on the phone, being able to lay side by side on my bed just looking and talking to each other, cuddled a few times, she kissed me on the cheeks. I told her i liked her, she said she didn't want a relationship right now. I asked her out on a date some time later, which she said yes. We had a good time and held each other's hands and talked the whole night. But when I told her again that I liked her, but she said she wanted to stay friends. I've been told by others that she had to have some feelings for me because they would never kiss someone or hold their hands if they didn't had some feelings for them. I've been going up and down with my emotions over this.

 

Today me, her and another friend were hanging out. We haven't talked or seen each other for about 2 weeks because of finals. She told us that she was starting to see someone. Thank goodness that someone else was there too otherwise I don't know how I would have reacted. I faked myself the whole day. She told me all about how she met her guy, how she didn't see it coming, and how it was unexpected. She seemed very happy. And I wanted to be happy for her. I really do... but I can't just hide how I'm really feeling. I'm sad. I'm sad that she's found someone new. I'm sad... that she didn't choose me. We've been really close friends for a while now, and I really thought that we were starting to click. It's hard to accept the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how good of a friend I've been to her all these years, there isn't anything I can do that will make her see me as good enough for her. I'm not trying to be bitter, I want to be happy for her, but I can't bring myself to. She still wants to be friends, and she does care about me, as much as a friend can. She still keeps an interest in my life and was trying to help me out with some school problems earlier today. I don't believe she was, or ever has, been using me for attention or as a temporary replacement for her ex (at least not intentionally). I just don't know what to do right now. I think I still want to be friends, but I can't be as close or open to her as I used to. I don't know what to tell her if she ever asks. She might have even noticed that i wasn't completely myself today and could see I was a little bothered. It just a very sad night for me tonight.

 

So that is my story, sorry if it's a little long. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Dolos]

It's nice that you want to try and maintain the friendship, but i just don't see it happening. Think about how bad it was hearing about the guy she just met, now imagine actually having to see them together. You're just going to end up more miserable than you are now, start resenting her, or more likely both. Maintaining a friendship isn't easy when one person wants more than the other, and until you reach the point where you can see her with someone else and not be bothered by it you should really try and talk to her less, if at all. Hopefully she will understand that its hard for you to keep seeing her and talking to her, but even if she doesn't sometimes we need to worry about ourselves first.

 

That's just my take on it, I'm sure others have opinions too.

 

Edit: Just thought i would toss this in too, i don't think shes intentionally using you, but on some level she probably is. If things don't work out with the new guy, shes probably going to want to spend a lot more time with you, i would caution against it.

[banser123]

I feel for you, I really do. you replied to my thread in regards to the problem I am having, which has similarities. All I can say is try your best to hang in there. I know its easier said than done, I still am devestated.

I have a friend who was dating a girl for a year and they were livng together. She left only to come back a few times. The last time she left she told him she was seeing someone and was happy. My friend was crushed. But 2 weeks later she called my friend saying that it didnt work out because she tried to compare the new guy to my friend and it wasnt the same. She misse him and wanted him back. So sometimes by girls seeing or dating other men they can realize just how special you are. You never know, it could work in your favor. Did you treat her special? If you she just might realize it more now. But dont keep your head down. Get out there and meet new people and see what happens. You might meet a new girl that you like or your friend might call you asking for a shot with you.

I wish I could take my own advice lol. But try to hang in there

[berry_oh]

Yeah it really is hard to just try to remain friends. Especially since she still says stuff like "I miss you". I think she honestly thinks that I'm already over her and is treating me like that "best friend" person again. Or that she just feels the urge to update me about her life and tell me about how she's happy.

I suppose that's what friends do with each other right. I'm just curious as to whether or not she even notices that I still have some feelings for her.

 

We hung out today with a friend. She is slightly touchy with me. The three of us sat at a booth and she sat next to me. She did the same thing the day before, on the day she told me about her bf. Whenever i tell a funny story/joke she would seldom wave her hands in front of me, and occasionally tapped my arms. Yesterday after I told her a fairly sad story, she actually put her hands on my shoulder. To be honest I feel like I'm just being stupid and reading WAY too much into this and just interpreting our friendship way too much because i want something to happen between us. But still, I just wanted to say it.

 

But Dalos and Banner, I do believe what you guys are saying is right. I really want to just move on from this and get on with my life. I can't be as close of friends with her right now because it will just make me miserable. I know she still wants us to still stay close, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm like.. stuck between wanting to keep a little hope for her and wanting to completely forget about all this.

[thrillaveza]

imma try and help you out man. what you posted on my thread sums up good advice, so im going to try and help you. so like yeah, i totally agree with the whole not accepting her decision and the fact that you can't be happy for her happiness with the other guy. that's what i am feeling; but when you think about it, we have our right to feel that way. i mean really, we are suppose to respect their decision but like their selfishness is making a lack of respect to what we feel. but i do also agree with dolos, perhaps hope can still happen, im sure she might have the slightest feeling for you. and once she possibly breaks up with that guy, she might want to go back to you. but my advice from that is to stay away because she hurt you pretty bad and she just thinks it's all peachy, under the bridge kind of thing.

[catastrophe]

This won't help now, but in the future never, EVER tell a girl that you like her, have 'feelings' for her, etc. before you are basically already dating. For women, this kills every bit of intrigue and challenge. You gotta learn to play it cool like nothing is going on, while you generate more and more attraction in her towards you. Women can have these semi-intimate friendships with guys and not think there is anything to it, even if there is - she won't realize it until something makes it apparent, like physical intimacy or her realizing she is jealous of your other female friends. It's weird, but that is how they work!

 

In the meantime, I suggest that you cut off contact. If you stick around, trying to be there for her, you will end up getting more and more invested, to the point that it drives you nuts. And she will start thinking of you more and more as 'just a friend." It sounds like she was attracted to you in the beginning, so what you need to do is let the relationship 'reset'. That means you spend several months without contact. Avoid her, and DO NOT send lovey emails or text messages, do not check in to 'see how she's doing". This will allow you the space you HAVE TO HAVE to get your emotions back under control, and will allow her to 'miss' you. Then, if neither of you are seeing someone, you can basically start over.

 

So as I see it (from experience) you have three choices:

 

1. Continue to be her 'friend', while silently suffering, and probably one day having a huge fallout over your feelings for her,

 

2. Cut it off completely and move on.

 

3. Avoid contact for several months, get your head together, see some other girls, and when enough time has passed - give it another shot. To me, this seems like the best option, since you two sound like a sweet couple and you obviously do think of her as more than a friend.

 

By the way, I really admire your sense of loyalty to this girl. You are willing to sacrifice your own happiness to be there for her - but I just don't think that would be beneficial to either of you. Give her and yourself the gift of some time and space to reflect, and in a few months you will be amazed at how different things are. Just don't rush back in with a dozen roses screaming, I LOVE YOU BABY!!! Play it cool and let her chase you, man. You are worth it!

 

Good luck.

[berry_oh]

You bring up very good points Catastrophe. Thank you. :]

 

anyway I've spent the last few days talking to various people about this (her ex, friends, outside people) and for the first time, I actually felt a little mad. I've just been feeling sad over myself, but I actually got a little mad at the way she told me about her bf. I guess as a friend, she could have pulled me to the side or told me privately about it, but instead she said it in front of me and another friend, she just acted very happy about it, and honestly how did she expected me to react? This honestly felt like a slap in the face, and the people I talked to agreed with me. I know it wasn't her intention, but it still doesn't make it ok, right?

 

But even though I still have some feelings for her right now, I don't want to pursue it any longer. Although I do want to avoid contact for a while, I don't see that happening because we're still friends and if she asks to hang out or text me, if I just avoid it and blow it off, she's gonna see that I'm trying to avoid her and I dont think that's what I want. It's because we're friends that I dont want to just be angry at her and completely cut her off. Dont get me wrong, I am upset at this, but I dont want to show that I'm an angry person, or act immature/pathetic in her eyes. want to try to show that I can act better than that. Plus she has a friend who is purpously avoiding her because he also liked her and found out about her bf, and I don't want her to see me like that guy.

But having said that, I want to get as close to no contact as possible. She will eventually text me stuff like "how are you" and I plan to be as vague as possible and try to end the conversation fast, but not to the point where I'm constantly giving one liners.

I'm deleting my facebook for a while (saying I hardly use it) because I know I'm going to hit rock bottom if I see a picture of the couple together and since she still likes to facebook message me, it will cause me to have more contact with her than I want.

If asked to hang out, I will come up with excuses to not show up and maybe, MAYBE, every once in a while I will go see her but only for like 15-20 min or something. We could catch up and talk of random things, but I don't see myself being very open.

Our friendship is a bit broken right now, and I need to focus on repairing it before I can even think of a relationship together. I feel that she was very disrespectful and had very little consideration for my feelings and I don't think I deserved that, especially since we were close friends. And as for contact with her, I dont want to talk to her unless I really have to. If I dont need to talk to her, then I wont. No texts or calls checking up on her or anything of that matter. If she contacts me, I will respond but only little. I want to keep a balance where I'm not talking to her too much, but not too little either. I want her to see that I'm still her friend and I'm not going to completely abandon her, but she needs to realize that her decisions have consequences. And yes, maybe a couple of months down the road things might change between us. Maybe we can give this another shot, or maybe we can finally just be friends again. But either way, despite how she and I dont want things to change between us, there's no way that change won't happen. And I no longer want to to keep seeing her as a potential relationship. It might take some time, but then again Rome wasnt built in just one day right. I know having contact, despite how little it is, can potentially cause me to rethink about my feelings, but I have to take that risk. This will still give us a chance to reflect over everything and give us both some time and space without completely, but almost, cutting each other from our lives. And I think it will still allow me to stop seeing that she and I could work. Even if one day things do work out and she 'sees the light', no good will come if you keep expecting things to happen and it's just going to eat away at you slowly and painfully.

I guess I feel that I would be acting just out of bitterness, jealously, and resentment too much by complete cut off. I do feel all those emotions, but I dont want to act completely on them. Yes i still want to go out there and meet new people, date other girls, have some fun, sort my emotions out and just move on from this.

I just feel this might be the best way to approach this.

[Mary3]

Its almost like she used you for all the affectionate stuff.

 

No wonder you were confused. A girl does not lay in bed with a guy holding hands and all the other lovey things she did with you. Sorry but I don't like the way she treated you. She KNEW what she was doing and at your expense.

 

Listen if I am NOT romantically interested in a man the LAST thing I would do is lay in bed for hours holding him !

 

I WOULD and DO those beautiful things with my boyfriend. That and MUCH more ( I dont mean sex necessarily but yeah the sex is amazing , lol )

 

What I like is choice 3. Where you go away for awhile and then come back and be her friend IF all your romantic feelings are GONE.

 

You are in for a world of HURT if you keep hanging around. EVEN if she said OH MY GOD I made a mistake ! Hey NO girl would tell the man she is interested in graphic detail about ANOTHER man she met.

 

You are brave and strong. Don't let this girl bring you to your knees. She is messing with you.

 

Yes you will lose her as a friend but you have to be honest with yourself now. She is NOT your friend. She is someone you want to make babies with

[berry_oh]

No I wish there was a delete post button, cause i would like to retract my last post.

 

Mary, thank you. And also to everyone else too cause it's nice to have some support from people whom you've never met before.

It hasn't even been a week since I found about the bf and I feel like I've come a long way. Before I felt really sad and heartbroken because I wanted her to give me a chance. She could have handled this situation differently, but she didn't. I've contemplated going to talk to her about this because I want her to know that this was a little messed up to do to me as a friend, but I'm not going to do that. As much as I would like to give her a guilt trip and give her something to think about, it would be a lot better if she realizes it herself anyways. I personally believe now that letting go of all of this and just having our own separate lives is going to be for the best. I'm honestly tired of feeling sorry for myself and even though I know it will take some time to fully adjust to this whole no contact thing, i gotta be selfish for a change and do this for me.

 

So now I just need some input/advice on this. I dont plan on seeing her any time soon but i do know she will text me occasionally. Some texts I can put off and just say "i'm busy" or dont reply at all, but I have a feeling she will catch on and ask me if I'm avoiding her and try to confront me about this. If it comes down to that should I just tell her that I felt used and betrayed by her? Or maybe I should just say "i'm sorry but i don't want to talk about it"

I don't want to just lie and say "oh i didnt noticed. I've just been extremely busy" because I do want her to at least think about this a bit. Or maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. I guess maybe I'm trying give us a change to salvage our friendship, not now because i cant do that now, but some time down the road after I can put all of this behind me and I feel like I dont want to portray myself as really aggressive or a jerk if I'm too upfront about this. But maybe being upfront might be the best option, I'm not sure.

So my question is, what is the best way to approach this?

[craig841]

You gave me advice on my post berryoh, but I don't think I can match the people that came before me for quality!

 

This situation looks complicated...are you now convinced that she is messing with you? Because if she is although you want things to happen you are too good to be messed around with and I think you should just make that very clear...you're not taking s**t from her. And then take it from there and see how it goes. That's my 2 cents but you may not agree!

[berry_oh]

Yeah well I've always known that she was, but i was mainly sad that she did it to me because we were very close friends. But she is a nice girl, maybe too nice to grow a backbone and just be honest with me. She maybe have had the intention of not wanting to hurt my feelings, but lying to me hurt me even more. And it was like Mary was saying, she knew very well everything she did, and she still did it, and I've done a lot for her through the years so I think it's now her turn to be my friend.

I guess out of our old friendship, I want try to salvage this friendship as much as I can, but I feel she should be the one to come to me about it and after she realizes everything, and then maybe we can be regular friends again. Not close like we used to, but at least friends again. So this might be impossible to do because i want no contact but at the same time I want that one last contact before going our separate ways. Do you know what I mean? Ugh I think I'm just a very confusing person.

[asuman]

So as I see it (from experience) you have three choices:

 

1. Continue to be her 'friend', while silently suffering, and probably one day having a huge fallout over your feelings for her,

 

2. Cut it off completely and move on.

 

3. Avoid contact for several months, get your head together, see some other girls, and when enough time has passed - give it another shot. To me, this seems like the best option, since you two sound like a sweet couple and you obviously do think of her as more than a friend.

 

I find myself in a similar situation (maybe not the OP's lengthy history of a friendship; we dated for 2 months before she told me she didn't think it would work long-term but would like to be friends). Laying it out this way is incredibly helpful. I'm not sure how I would go about doing #3 but, I guess it's worth a shot.