Long distance break-up HELP! I want to win her back.

[MrMephistophles]

My girlfriend and I had been together for about a year in college, seeing eachother every day and whatnot. But she decided to switch colleges in order to pursue her dream degree. So she is in Hawaii and I am in college in California. We broke up on good terms still friends and what not and talking on IM pretty regularly. Bassically she broke up with me because I stressed her out telling her how much I missed her all the time and was unhappy without her, weak I know. Anyway, she told me the other week that she still loves me, just not as much as before, and that she too has been rather depressed about the breakup for the last few weeks. I really want to win her back in full, because she is a wonderful girl, but I am not sure how to do so. Im stubborn what can I say...just know a good thing when I see it. In fact beforehand we both agreed that we were okay with LDR because we had no fear of loosing each other and would get married after College. I have backed off dramatically quit telling her I loved her and trying to pursuade her to get back together, but I do not know how to truly win her back, since we can't just pick up and go on a date to reconcile or anything like that. Any tips? I really feel like we could work things out if we could just see each other again for a few weeks, but as students we cant just hop on the lear jet you know.

[Arabess]

It's possible that "age" is as much of a factor here as "distance". Sometimes women, especially career oriented women, don't want to settle down with one guy right away. They want to explore their options in their career choice....as well as their love choice.

 

I would think that when she moved to another college in the first place.....she was already beginning to exercise that option. It doesn't mean you can't remain friends...or that the future may bring you back together. However, tyring to force it to happen....probably won't work.

 

I'm a female and when I start to feel closed in by a relationship or even just someone I'm dating.....I get to the point of avoiding them all together. Then, the more they try....the more I find it annoying. Maybe you should back off....give her some time and space.....and let her make the first move in suggesting the two of you try the relationship again.

[DJ-TK]

Hey man... I AM STRONGLY DISAGREE with Arabess....!

 

First of all, every woman is antoher thing you know... is Arabess feel like that, I'm not sure all the girls feel like that... You love her, she loves you, talk to her ! Explain your feelingas ! I am so sure she didn't went off to another college to experience other guys as well as career options...

 

If you're so great together and you love her, GO FOR IT ! make it happen ! My love is 6000 miles away for me for over a year and though that's hard, I wanna keep that relationship and be with her... She is the most amazing girl and I know I would do practically everything to be with her...

 

Go for it man! I assume you won't be sorry....

[amerikajin]

No, don't just "go for it". "Going for it" and telling her his feelings and all that sensitivity garbage is what stressed her out in the first place.

 

The only chance he has is to play it cool and hope there's enough of a spark left so that she'll come around. I'd recommend that you stop IM'ing her and stop being so available. Get your space, and give her some space, too. She's said that this is what she wants, well...give it to her. Time to let her see how she likes being alone and forgotten for a while.

 

And in the meantime, scope out other chicks.

[DJ-TK]

Well, if indeed that's waht stressed her so you'd want to give her her space. BUT, she needs to know what your feelings are for her. Otherwise she'll end up wanting you but thinking you're not interested and you'll get screwed up. You better talk to her, explain your feelings, yet saying that that's it for now, and you're gonna give her the freedom she wants. Tell her you're here for her and that you want her and wanna work stuff out and just hope for the best... Maybe this LDR is too hard for her... But you gotta talk to her.... Don't play this stupid games and all, she was you girl! And the most important thing you can do is be honest eith her, yet give her whatever time she needs.... If I were you, I wouldn't checkin' other girls... If you truly love her, you can at least wait till you know what's going on with you two before you're checkin other girls....

[amerikajin]

And now for the ugly truth...this relationship is on life support, waiting for the plug to be pulled.

 

A man can't win a woman back. She already knows his feelings anyway, and the harder he has tried, the worse it's become, and if he tries any harder she won't even want to speak to him...and when that happens, he'll have no cards left in his hand because since she's the one pulling the plug on the relationship, she'll walk away thinking that it ended all because he was a needy, helpless soul. That will be her last memory of him. Does he want that??? Of course not.

 

The best way for him to bow out of this (and the only hope he has of winning anything) is to keep some measure of dignity for himself. That's why he should just stay away from this chick for a while. No calls. No IMs. Nothing. I mean, if she calls him, that's okay. Talk to her, but keep the conversation short. Keep doing this until she broaches the subject of "us". If she never does have any interest, well no harm done. They both go their separate ways.

 

Sorry, dude, but the games are part of it. That's just the way women are.

[DJ-TK]

Yep, women are complicated and sometimes you need to play these stupid games - I agree. Also, the last thing he need right now is to look needy... But dignity is not part of this game. If she knows and act the way she does that's cool and I have nothing to say about it - Tough luck you know, what can you do... But I' just trying to say that she needs to know that... Besides, it wouldn't hurt her to hear from him every now and then... But to just stay away from her completely might be for nobody's benefit... Anyway, I believe he can tell if she talks to him like he drives her crazy or like she thinks he's needy or something.. Maybe she talks to him in a romantic knida flirting way... Maybe she's just confused ! The voice and the tone of the conversation and how she talks to him and responds to what he is saying is very important and I believe he can tell kinda what's going on by her tone of voice...

[julieg]

when i was in your gf's shoes (a career minded 20 something) only 2 things got my attention after i began to distance myself from him.

 

1. seeing that he was successful and dating someone who appeared to be more attractive and smarter than me.

 

2. him not contacting me at all. everytime the phone would ring and it wouldn't be him it would chip away at me making me unsure if i made the right decision in breaking it off with him.

 

there will definately be lonely times for her. this is when she will really reflect on what she has done. if timing is right she will come back.

 

she isn't really playing games as i wasn't. she is young and obviously doesn't want to settle down now.

[amerikajin]

DJ,

 

Even some of the women on this forum have said as much: be a challenge.

 

Calling, trying...it won't work. It's why she left in the first place. She already knows how he feels...what she doesn't yet know is what it's like to be starved of him.

 

What the women have said here mirrors my own experiences. Sometimes, if you give a girl some space...she just might start thinking that "Man, I really miss that guy. Wonder what he's doing now. Wonder who he's dating." Like the previous poster said, there will be lonely weekend days and lonely nights in bed. She'll think, and she'll think of him, and she'll remember the good times. And she'll think to herself, "maybe I should check in to see what he's up to." Of course not every girl will do this - some women really do mean it when they say it's over, and there's nothing you can do to win them back. Once you're out, you're out. But there are those who aren't quite sure, who just need some space. And sometimes, if given space, they come back. But you have to give them space in the first place.

[Arabess]

I think the bottom line in ANY relationship is......you can't MAKE something happen. You most certainly can state your feelings...even go the extra mile for that person.....but you can NEVER make them love you just cause you love them.

 

I personally feel chasing a woman down till she gives in......only works in the movies. It reminds me of the dumbest line I ever heard come out of a man's mouth....which was "I know you really love me....YOU just don't know it." DUH??? If I didn't know it...then the end result was the same.

[DJ-TK]

Well, chasing is not the solution... And I was oretty much convinced I would say... I can also reflect on my experiences... Space might be good for her.. I guess she knows what you feel and I guess if she'll miss you, she will call... Even just to see what's going on with you.. You should let her feel lonely... She needs it and needs her space, my point was just not to play too many games and get it all complicated (as if it's not already is)....

 

As long as she know where you stand, I guess you should give her the space she needs...