I'm only drawn to relationships with problems...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Since the breakup of my 2 year + relationship, i've been trying to analyse/understand how I have contributed to its downfall. One thing i've noticed is that I don't like relationships that develop in the 'normal, healthy way' i.e. boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy and girl go out. I find this boring, unfulfilling and for some reason I become the emotionally unavailable one who wants to run away. I am drawn to relationships with someone where there is a challenge, drama, something to conquer. To me this equals passion, intensity and the passion and intensity of the situation transfers onto the person. I honestly believe this is the only way I could love someone again....I just can't fall for people in the conventional normal way....so it seems to me I would need to always put myself in painful and damaging situations simply to fall in love. This way sound very weird....but I think I almost have a fairytale/movie view of love, where the suffering of love makes that love unique and special, whereas a happy, normal lovelife to me seems very boring, and I don't think it would fulfill me.

 

Any ideas of how to stop being like this?

[carhill]

Counseling helped me. I call it the train wreck syndrome. I always felt the compulsion to stop at the train wreck to see if I could help. Now I recognize the compulsion for what it is and continue driving. It's not 100% but getting divorced is helping, in that I can put emotions (negative ones) behind the theraputical work.

 

This doesn't mean the tug of the disfunctional will not tempt me. They will. I have to process that part intellectually, as my emotional setpoint will always remain. By cognitively processing the emotion and freeing myself to pay attention to the road ahead, I position myself to encounter people who are not train wrecks and bring positive energy into my life. It's a shift in focus.

 

In your case, you find the drama exciting, but know it's unhealthy. Conversely, you find the lack of drama boring. For you, drama is your train wreck.

[39388]

Most women under 45 are like the OP. I don't like games and they want games and I can never satisfy them. Dating "advice" sites everywhere encourage this behavior. A women gets burned by a game playing man and starts playing games herself so she can get the game playing man. Men are just as much to blame as women.

[carhill]

Nah, it doesn't stop at 45, trust me

[Nikki Sahagin]

Most women under 45 are like the OP. I don't like games and they want games and I can never satisfy them. Dating "advice" sites everywhere encourage this behavior. A women gets burned by a game playing man and starts playing games herself so she can get the game playing man. Men are just as much to blame as women.

 

Yes exactly - the games are encouraged! You aren't meant to say what you want because as soon as you do 'the game' and 'the chase' are over. I think men just as much as women can be drawn to this. Dating and relationships are encouraged to be all about symbols, signs, hints...nothing concrete.

[carhill]

With billions of people in the world, the cool thing is that *you* get to choose who you play with. Nothing is ordained or required. You have freedom to choose. Choose wisely

[Nikki Sahagin]

With billions of people in the world, the cool thing is that *you* get to choose who you play with. Nothing is ordained or required. You have freedom to choose. Choose wisely

 

I'm trying to learn how to do that

I hate being drawn to things that hurt me.

Its like a moth to a flame.

Its a hard, very painful lesson to learn, but maybe thats what my relationship taught me. Unfortunately I think sometimes it takes several bad experiences to really 'shake' you of your bad habits.

[You'reasian]

Dating and relationships are encouraged to be all about symbols, signs, hints...nothing concrete.

 

The minute you say something concrete and direct, the woman accuses you of coming on too strong and gets scared...

 

If I tell a girl I'm interested in that I want to f*** her all night, she might feel uneasy and have a sudden change of plans - but if I tell her that I want to hang out and that I'm feelin' kinda feisty its okay lol - or I just wanna hang out and not do anything but relax and she thinks I'm tryin' to get in her panties and change her plans, when I'm not even that interested in her...

 

You ladies propogate the game.

[Nikki Sahagin]

The minute you say something concrete and direct, the woman accuses you of coming on too strong and gets scared...

 

If I tell a girl I'm interested in that I want to f*** her all night, she might feel uneasy and have a sudden change of plans - but if I tell her that I want to hang out and that I'm feelin' kinda feisty its okay lol - or I just wanna hang out and not do anything but relax and she thinks I'm tryin' to get in her panties and change her plans, when I'm not even that interested in her...

 

You ladies propogate the game.

 

A game can't exist without participants. Both men and women play games with each other. But yes directness does frighten people off, half the time because people don't know what they want. I think directness only frightens someone if they aren't really into you....I think people like to feel each other first.

[39388]

Yes exactly - the games are encouraged! You aren't meant to say what you want because as soon as you do 'the game' and 'the chase' are over. I think men just as much as women can be drawn to this. Dating and relationships are encouraged to be all about symbols, signs, hints...nothing concrete.

 

Yes there are in these advice books and so many menAND women buy it. They read something and automatically think it's the truth without thinking for themselves.

 

I'm trying to learn how to do that

I hate being drawn to things that hurt me.

Its like a moth to a flame.

Its a hard, very painful lesson to learn, but maybe thats what my relationship taught me. Unfortunately I think sometimes it takes several bad experiences to really 'shake' you of your bad habits.

 

Really? I'll believe it when you give a good guy who's not into games and wants to make you happy a chance. They're out there by the millions. They're the ones who are nervous early on and don't know or get these dating rules. You may have to go through 10 people to find one.

 

I'm being hard on you, but I'm shaped by my experiences. These experiences are nice emails and internet chats back and forth. We exchange numbers. I call and sound nervous and excited. They say they have to go within 45 seconds and they will call back. They never do. This has happened multiple times. I'm bitter enough over it that I'm not even sure if I am a good guy anymore.

[39388]

The minute you say something concrete and direct, the woman accuses you of coming on too strong and gets scared...

 

You ladies propogate the game.

The first part is tree. I cut out the lines about the sex becuase I'm a guy who would rather wait for awhile before the sex.

 

The second part is only half true. Men are just as guilty of this crap as women. Game playing men have a habit of dating a woman and suddenly disappearing. I don't get why many men do this. I would never ever, but read the threads around here and it is very common.

 

We end up with a cycle. Women and men respond to each other's games and the non game players of both sexes get screwed.

[Nikki Sahagin]

But thats what i'm saying....without the games...i'm bored. I'm admitting to that. I'm not saying its right or wrong, immature or childish, but I have no interest in a relationship with a 'nice guy'. I don't want a bad guy either. I want a guy who is interesting and I find many nice, average, run of the mill guys very boring. I want someone very unique - at least to me. But to fall in love, I seem to need that dramatic push. I think many nice guys - they are lovely dedicated men, but they don't know how to create passion, intensity, romance, mystery - all things I personally and I think many women respond to. That's why I can have many lovely male friends, but I never have that urge to kiss them or have sex with them, which is what obviously marks them out as someone I would persue romantically. By the way when I say i'm drawn to drama, I am not suckered in by player types, bad boys etc but I need some obstacle between me and a man to want him, if I can just have him - the attraction wears thin. I think it may be part of being young!

[Nikki Sahagin]

The first part is tree. I cut out the lines about the sex becuase I'm a guy who would rather wait for awhile before the sex.

 

The second part is only half true. Men are just as guilty of this crap as women. Game playing men have a habit of dating a woman and suddenly disappearing. I don't get why many men do this. I would never ever, but read the threads around here and it is very common.

 

We end up with a cycle. Women and men respond to each other's games and the non game players of both sexes get screwed.

 

Yes everyone gets burned, and I think everyone becomes a bit less natural because they have been hurt, but I think many people simply don't know what they want. Once I fall in love, I fall hard and stay there. But its getting to that level I find difficult - though actually maybe I just haven't met the right combination of nice....and crazily sexy lol

[Woggle]

If you ever want a happy relationship you need to get over this. Aren't there ways to create excitment without putting yourself through an emotional ringer? You ahve admitted that you have man issues so maybe it would be a good idea to deal with that before even thinking about getting involved again.

[39388]

But thats what i'm saying....without the games...i'm bored. I'm admitting to that. I'm not saying its right or wrong, immature or childish, but I have no interest in a relationship with a 'nice guy'. I don't want a bad guy either. I want a guy who is interesting and I find many nice, average, run of the mill guys very boring. I want someone very unique - at least to me. But to fall in love, I seem to need that dramatic push. I think many nice guys - they are lovely dedicated men, but they don't know how to create passion, intensity, romance, mystery - all things I personally and I think many women respond to. That's why I can have many lovely male friends, but I never have that urge to kiss them or have sex with them, which is what obviously marks them out as someone I would persue romantically. By the way when I say i'm drawn to drama, I am not suckered in by player types, bad boys etc but I need some obstacle between me and a man to want him, if I can just have him - the attraction wears thin. I think it may be part of being young!

I think I would bore you to tears because I don't like lying to people. Correct? If I want X I tell said person I want X.

 

You say you don't want a bad guy, but the title of the thread is "I'm only drawn to relationships with problems... ". Sounds like you are drawn to bad guys.

 

I'm a nice guy (well some would disagree given my bitter posts on LS, but what 35 year old virgin is not a bit bitter), but the last thing I'd call myself is average. I am very passionate about many things. I'm sure there would be lots of intensity in the romance I have, if I ever get a chance that is. Mystery, I don't get what you mean. I'd get a woman surprise gifts and surprise her by taking her places and stuff, but if the surprise is whather or not I'm interested, then no, you wouldn't like me very much.

 

You say you need an obstacle. What do you mean? Should I say I'm not interested when I really am. Should I call only once a week or return only 1 out of 3 of your calls? When you say you've not into me, should I push it? I have no idea what you (or most women) want in terms of this. I guess wrong and I either lose the relationship or scare the he** out of the woman.

[39388]

Yes everyone gets burned, and I think everyone becomes a bit less natural because they have been hurt, but I think many people simply don't know what they want. Once I fall in love, I fall hard and stay there. But its getting to that level I find difficult - though actually maybe I just haven't met the right combination of nice....and crazily sexy lol

Someone gets burned by a game player and takes it out on everyone including the non game players. That is clearly what I see in both sexes.

 

I don't know how else to explain women getting cold feet after 45 seconds on the phone with me after lots of communication on the net. I don't have an unusually strange or weird voice by the way.

 

No doubt I'd want to go all out in the bedroom. I'd only want to do this with someone I'm in a great relationship with and until I get that no one will even know.

[carhill]

I've found the best way to keep women around is to set boundaries and piss them off. That way, I can still be honest and caring but stimulate the old drama machine a bit. Then I become the "problem"

[39388]

I've found the best way to keep women around is to set boundaries and piss them off. That way, I can still be honest and caring but stimulate the old drama machine a bit. Then I become the "problem"

I can and will set boundaries, but I'm not into pissing off for no reason. Now, if they do something I'm not happy with I do feel it is my right to tell them. The reverse is true also.

[carhill]

Just setting boundaries pisses them off, trust me

[39388]

Just setting boundaries pisses them off, trust me

I've been taken advantage of too many times in too many ways by both men and women and I've had it up to here (10 feet high). Reasonable boundaries have to be set though I have no intention of pissing anyone off.

 

Love is a basic need and I realize I'm going to have to put everything into finding love if I even want a kiss within a year. This thread underscords just how difficult it will be for someone not into game playing.

 

I just got a flirt rejected and the reason she told me was that I'm in the sciences and she is into history and English. Even though it hurt a bit, it is so much easier when they tell me right away and don't get my hopes up only to dash them.

[Ariadne]

I think I almost have a fairytale/movie view of love, where the suffering of love makes that love unique and special, whereas a happy, normal lovelife to me seems very boring, and I don't think it would fulfill me.

Any ideas of how to stop being like this?

 

I'd suspect the problem with the easy relationships, is that they usually are with guys that don't do it for you.

 

Those are the ones that are the easiest to find.

 

To find a guy that you are truly attracted to, is a bit more challenging.

 

And when you do find someone attractive, you have to be lucky enough that he is attracted back and available (rarely the case).

 

It's just a matter of chances.

[ON MY OWN]

I have had this is the past. I have been burned a few painful times, it has taught me, however I still find myself trying to find someone perfectly niched in btw the nice boy and the bad boy. I am never going to find this I know, so I tend to stay focused and go to the "nice guys" section if you will, lol. I just keep in mind I am a person who is nice and has a lot to offer and a big heart. Going for those "unavailables" leads me down a path of destruction. It is too much pain for me to ever endure again. I will find my own levels of excitement and not expect to be "entertained" by risky behavior that does me absolutely no good in my life at its very best and ends up ripping my heart from my chest at its worst. It comes down to looking out for number one and realizing who is important and we are not getting any younger.

 

I have had my fill of heartache and there has to be a time when you have had enough. This behavior has improved with age, however never completely goes away, you learn to control it and accept people for who they are. Look for whatever is exciting in a particular person. Some people have it more on the exterior and some have it more on the interior. Getting to really know someone certainly takes time and we should never judge a person like that in the first place. It is also sometimes a spot a person is at in their life.

 

I stop myself from trying to look up ex's that were toxic and know that there is a total new way of life and I deserve it.

 

A counselor can ALWAYS help also. I have seen one 2x and she has made a definite impact on my mindset and I feel stronger. There are a lot of things that can help also, believe it or not, getting a new hobby, poetry writing, things like that, they will help you to feel better about yourself and if you have enough things to do, you are more content with yourself and less likely to attract this type of person into your life.

 

It is a definite attraction and probably never "wont" be, just keep it in check is what I find helps.

[Woggle]

I think that women who have an addiction to bad boys should volunteer in a battered women's shelter. After witnessing real drama everyday they will be fiending for some peace and tranquility afterwards. The manufactured drama they crave will probably not seem as attractive as it once was. They will also see where the addiction bad boys tends to lead in many cases. I'm sure Rhianna once thought that Chris Bown was so seductive and attractive at one point.

[Eve]

Since the breakup of my 2 year + relationship, i've been trying to analyse/understand how I have contributed to its downfall. One thing i've noticed is that I don't like relationships that develop in the 'normal, healthy way' i.e. boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy and girl go out. I find this boring, unfulfilling and for some reason I become the emotionally unavailable one who wants to run away. I am drawn to relationships with someone where there is a challenge, drama, something to conquer. To me this equals passion, intensity and the passion and intensity of the situation transfers onto the person. I honestly believe this is the only way I could love someone again....I just can't fall for people in the conventional normal way....so it seems to me I would need to always put myself in painful and damaging situations simply to fall in love. This way sound very weird....but I think I almost have a fairytale/movie view of love, where the suffering of love makes that love unique and special, whereas a happy, normal lovelife to me seems very boring, and I don't think it would fulfill me.

 

Any ideas of how to stop being like this?

 

How do you think you could achieve a different ending?

 

My take would be to not try so hard to make everything happen. Go with the flow. But I do believe that life has its own pattern and flow that can be tapped into when a person is at peace. Not sure that you have the patience at the moment for this. It does sound as though drama is the soundtrack to your life Nikki.

 

Learn to be still and control your tongue before taking on any further relationships. Its not all about you. Relax.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think I would bore you to tears because I don't like lying to people. Correct? If I want X I tell said person I want X.

 

You say you don't want a bad guy, but the title of the thread is "I'm only drawn to relationships with problems... ". Sounds like you are drawn to bad guys.

 

I'm a nice guy (well some would disagree given my bitter posts on LS, but what 35 year old virgin is not a bit bitter), but the last thing I'd call myself is average. I am very passionate about many things. I'm sure there would be lots of intensity in the romance I have, if I ever get a chance that is. Mystery, I don't get what you mean. I'd get a woman surprise gifts and surprise her by taking her places and stuff, but if the surprise is whather or not I'm interested, then no, you wouldn't like me very much.

 

You say you need an obstacle. What do you mean? Should I say I'm not interested when I really am. Should I call only once a week or return only 1 out of 3 of your calls? When you say you've not into me, should I push it? I have no idea what you (or most women) want in terms of this. I guess wrong and I either lose the relationship or scare the he** out of the woman.

 

 

Mystery.....hmmmm, I suppose the unveiling of the person? A lot of people tell you 100% in 5 minutes; needy, desperate types. And they tell you EVERYTHING straight away. I like to know people and get to know them, but I like a sense of mystery about them and getting to know them slowly, not knowing someone all at once.

 

Also people are misinterpreting me. Its not a conscious choice to be a 'bad guy' or a 'bitch' or a 'detatched person' etc. Its just how a person IS. For example my ex....I was drawn to the fact he was hurt, vulnerable, damaged and I felt I could help him...I suppose this is like a 'fixer' situation. But also I was damaged too so he could 'fix' me.

 

I just feel going through drama with someone, though I wouldn't 'wish it upon myself' - it can bond two people so closely. Me and my ex went through a lot that bonded us in unique ways, which I don't think I could get with just an average guy.

 

I agree with an earlier post. I think its just that i've never met an uncomplicated guy that does it for me.