SweetyBear Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 I've posted before, so you may remember my story. Basically, I was the dumper, but since then, having deeply regretted it, and my ex has not been able to make time to sit down and talk about things even though he expresses the desire to do so. It's been a bit over two months since we broke up. For the first month and a half, I did everything I could think of to "win" my SO back or at least get him to sit down and talk to me. Nothing worked. I have been complete NC for 11 days now because every time I reached out, I was either left feeling completely rejected or given false hope for plans that fell through. I have been stood up for our meeting to talk three times without prior explanation and the only explanation I've been given when I finally was able to communicate with him was that his work had gotten unexpectedly busy. Anyway, that's the gist of it. Someone suggested to me that maybe my ex in the weeks prior to our breakup was purposely doing what he could to push me over the edge and call it quits because he didn't want to be the one to do it. This seems very plausible to me now. So, my question is has anyone done this to someone? Have you ever wanted to call it quits, but not wanted to be the bad guy and then hoped to just quietly slip away and have no further contact? I am driving myself insane with wondering about all this because what he says gives me hope, but what he does makes me think it's completely over. I guess it's the only thing that makes sense to me based on his behavior after the breakup unless he's punishing me or is just distrustful of me because I hurt him. Does anyone else have any theories? Like I said, I'm not going to be the one to make the future contact because he absolutely knows how I feel and that I want to get back together, so the ball's in his court so to speak. For me to have more peace about it, I want to try to understand why he's doing what he's doing now. During my 11 days of no contact, he's not reached out at all either. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Is this the uncaring bad boy? If yes, give yourself another 30 days of complete NC and get back to us. Once you break that oxytocin-driven addiction in your brain, you'll see things differently Link to post Share on other sites
wow123 Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Yes I will admit I did this a few years ago with a girl I dated for 3 years. And I lived to regret it. I tried winning her back months later and she wasn't having it. All she remembered was how I acted the last few weeks of the relationship (distant, pushing her away) and she had moved on by then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetyBear Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 No, he is not a bad boy at all. He is a good guy. The things he did toward the end of our relationship were things along the lines of just not prioritizing our relationship which made me really insecure and sad a lot of the time. I already had a lot of insecurity issues anyway, which I'm dealing with in counseling now. The things he did were things like showing up hours late without a call to let me know and only seeing me every couple of weeks. That was a clear contrast to the beginning of our relationship when he would call me periodically throughout the day and always kept our dates unless something pressing came up and then he'd always be very considerate and let me know as soon as he did. The reason I think we could work things out is because I am working on things personally. If his work really is the reason (and that's the only reason he's stated verbally) he does not seem to be so considerate of my feelings, then I think I can accept that. I am getting on with things, but I am not getting on as far as dating because I don't want anyone else. I think it would unfair to enter another relationship when I am in love with him. I would certainly botch that up!! I have been just concentrating on me and my own improvements and hoping he comes back. Thing is, if he wanted out anyway, I don't want to hold out false hope because it just hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Ugh.....I semi did this to my ex. I just wanted some space, didnt know what I wanted. Then she left me and I was gutted....You dont know what you got til it's gone. Link to post Share on other sites
BearPower Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Yes I will admit I did this a few years ago with a girl I dated for 3 years. And I lived to regret it. I tried winning her back months later and she wasn't having it. All she remembered was how I acted the last few weeks of the relationship (distant, pushing her away) and she had moved on by then. I wonder what would have happened if you tried to win her back immediately after the break up-? I tried this, and I think it...ok...i HOPE it did not make her remember how I was the last few weeks before parting, instead she will just remember 'wow, this guy really loved me' or.... 'wow, this guy was obsessed' Probably the latter SweetyBear- Dont worry about them not reaching out. I have done ALL the reaching out and it got me no where. The only thing that will change this is time. It will either change your views, as Carhill said, or it will change how he feels. We cant predict the future, but we can plan for it. SoulBear Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetyBear Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 I often have wished for a crystal ball. Unrealistic and yet I just WANT to know so badly what the future holds. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 While I don't know your background beyond what I've read in this thread, the impression I get is that you used the break up as a way to give him a wake up call. That he's not pressing forward with getting back, including his behaviour previous to the break up, appears to be a sign that he's not there for you. Maintain NC or you're going to get jacked around more. I think it's time to move on. Also, since you're in counseling, ask your counselor. Bring up the same talking points you've made in your thread. Specifically ask for his/her opinion in the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 No, he is not a bad boy at all. He is a good guy. Dexter seemed to recognize a bad boy within the good guy surface. IDK. IME, a good guy balances work and his committed relationships, and doesn't stand up his partner (or ex, as it may be here) if he's interested and honorable. My guess (and it is just that) is that, out of the sexual intimacy, a deeper bond within him for you never developed, and you just aren't a priority. If so, there's nothing you can do about that. IMO, the best you can do is work on yourself, like in counseling, clearly tell him what you want (sounds like you already have) and go on with your life. He will make his own choices and they are completely outside of your control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetyBear Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 From what everybody's saying, and everybody is making complete sense, I think it's going to be a matter of my emotions catching up with my brain. I can very much get my head around all of this, but it's my heart that so wants to believe. I appreciate all the input. I stand by that no matter how I am feeling, I can control my actions. Since I know in my head that the only course of action is to move on since he is making no effort to contact me, I cannot sit around second-guessing why he's not, but take it for what it is and move on. Thanks to everyone who contributed. I appreciate it because when you're right in the middle of it, it's so hard to do the right thing. I will ask my counselor about all of this. Maybe it is time to get her input on this. It's hard not to feel like a silly, sappy girl who believed there was much more to it than there was on his part. And I absolutely hate that feeling!! Link to post Share on other sites
metro Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Wow..I see your ex has not contacted you to talk & by reading your updates..it seems he may have lost interest in the relationship anyway before you broke up. he could have started seeing someone or thinking about seeing someone & had began to distance himself...as a matter of fact I have to admit I've done something similar with a 6 month relationship I was in years ago..we connected,I fell in love with her & everything but as the months went on I saw how irresponsible she was to be an adult..I was 35 at the time & she was 32 & she had been living with her parents since returning from college at the age of 22..so ten of your most important adult years still with your parents started scaring me & I no longer saw her as a potential mate,I felt she had more growing to do & I wanted to be single again but because I still cared for her,I had a hard time coming clean & breaking up with her & I just became busy & distant from her & the next thing I knew she emailed me & broke off the relationship because she could see we were not progressing anymore. When it was over..she tried to come back even though she officially ended & I gave in but I still wasn't all there because the reason I didn't want to be in the relationship could not be fixed overnight. Til this day she still doesn't know the real reason why we broke up other than the fact that I seemed distant to her but I respect the fact that since she knew it wasn't right between us..that's all she needed to know & picked up the pieces & moved on with herself. So don't worry about him anymore. You allowed yourself to be a doormat which is worth it sometimes because maybe it will work or you can move on knowing you gave your best..it seems that he has some issues that are beyond your control & he will regret that he blew the chance to get back with you especially when you were so patient..his loss! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetyBear Posted June 15, 2009 Author Share Posted June 15, 2009 Thanks Metro! Any news on your situation? I hope she also realized what a terrible mistake she made. By the way, just so you know my ex has no baggage/issues at all. That's what he told me when I was trying to explain why I had acted so hastily in breaking up with him. I was trying to tell him we all have things at times that come up and bite us before we even realize what it is, but he adamantly believes he has been able to let go of every negative thing that's ever happened to him. I hope he has because that must be a lovely place to be--all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. Do I sound sarcastic? Link to post Share on other sites
azraf Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 sorry im new here, but what does "SO" stands for? i saw my ex put that up on facebook-im an SO Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Usually, SO means significant other Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Dexter seemed to recognize a bad boy within the good guy surface. huh???........ Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 So, my question is has anyone done this to someone? Have you ever wanted to call it quits, but not wanted to be the bad guy and then hoped to just quietly slip away and have no further contact? simply not wanting to be in a relationship any longer doesn't qualify for someone to be the "bad guy". now if you had cheated before breaking up....well there ya go. I am driving myself insane with wondering about all this because what he says gives me hope, but what he does makes me think it's completely over. hard to say without knowing details. Did you just break up with him and there was no real reason other than wanting out? Was there cheating involved? again, hard to say. I guess it's the only thing that makes sense to me based on his behavior after the breakup unless he's punishing me or is just distrustful of me because I hurt him. that could be....he could be playing with you and thinking he is getting a little bit of payback. But if someone broke up with me and it was just a matter of incompatibility or just didn't think it was going anywhere, I couldn't see myself playing games. Unless cheated on, and even then I wouldn't play games. I had no problem in the past telling someone where to stick it and leave me alone. So was there any other reason why you broke up? I don't remember your story...sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 huh???........ You commented on her situation in another thread. I'd have to find the reference.... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I think you should just leave him alone, he's probably hurting. Leave him alone. Let him move on, if you unceremoniously dumped him without notice or because you was unhappy. I would just ignore you as well. especially if I was doing right by you. I'd be pissed! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 You commented on her situation in another thread. I'd have to find the reference.... ah, I don't remember her story. but if I recognized a "bad boy in a good guy surface"...then I'll have to slap myself and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetyBear Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 We're supposed to talk this weekend. If he shows up and doesn't stand me up again... I broke up with him because I felt he was prioritizing his work over me, but I realized soon after that maybe it really was just his work and I overreacted. Also, I have my own insecurity issues, so maybe I felt he was pulling back from me and so I just jumped the gun. I honestly don't know. There was absolutely no cheating involved at all. Now, I'm just confused, and I just really appreciate all of you listening and giving me your input because I realize I'm all over the place. I even frustrate myself most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
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