freakout Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 I need to run this by someone and see what they think - Approx. 4 years ago my husband was in school and uwas involved in a study group. In this study group was a female who after the school was over the friendship continued. She would call him on his cell phone and never at out home, she would visit him at work and one day I showed up and she split out the back door! All I asked of him was to please if he wanted the friendship to continue to not hide it. He said he asked her not to call him unless she called our home. Then about 1 year later I got int he car one day and my seat was adjusted funny so I asked him who was in the car? Oh, he had forgotten and didn't think to mention that he had taken a class and she was there and needed a ride, so he gve her one. At this point I said that she had crossed the line and he neede to tell her to stop calling. He did, and the calls stopped. Just 2 weeks ago we had a fight because he gave his cell phone number out to a female who needed something from him and I told him remember you can be friends with whoever you want just in my house in front of me. I told him how easy it was to give a woman the wrong impression. And reminded him how when he gave the other girl an ultimatum to call our house the phone calls stopped and she disappeared. The whole time he was standing there to my face telling me Yep, Yep. Then I just had a gut feeling and checked on line with his cell bill and sure enough he has been carrrying with his friendship with her behind my back. I know for a fact that he would not cheat on me in a sexual way, so that is not my problem. When I finally told him I knew what he was doing he still could not admit it until I said you can not lie any more I have seen the calls on your bill all the way thru lst Feb. I know he knows they were wrong because he always did it during his commute home and when I asked him why he called her so much he told me that "she just listens to me". I can not understand how he could turn to her for emotional support unstead of me. I am having a huge problem with his lying even though I know he has not ever met with her just phone converstions about our relationship and I feel so violated. I honestly feel cheated on emotionally and don't know how to recover. HELP!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Emotional intimacy is, IMHO, even more important in a relationship than sexual intimacy. Your husband is cheating on you even if he's not having sex. The fact that he's hiding his conversations is your first clue. I think you've got yourself a loser. You ask him to quit doing things and he does them behind your back. I doubt he is going to change, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 Let me just say my heart goes out to you. I have been in a very similar situation as you. Without bogging you down w/the details of my story, let me just say I understand how you feel. I agree there is more to this relationship with the woman than just a "friendship" or he would not have felt the need to keep it private from you. It is going to be very hard for you to understand his relationship with her and why he turned to this OP outside your marriage until you sit down with him and have some very frank and honest conversations with each other. First, I think you need to lay down some ground rules that will make you more comfortable and give you back some control and feeling of boundaries in your relationship. I think you should tell him to cut off all contact w/this OP. CHANGE HIS CELL NUMBER. And then he is going to need to TALK to YOU (not her or any other "friend").. For example, I would be curious how she "just listens" better than you? He needs to understand that his primary support and emotional output needs to go to you, his wife. I also would suggest professional therapy, if your resources allow. Good luck and let us know how it goes..GS Link to post Share on other sites
Author freakout Posted November 4, 2003 Author Share Posted November 4, 2003 Thanks for your input - so far the day that this all came about he came home and I handed him the phone and made him call her in front of me and tell her that their friendship was inappropriate because he had to hide it from me and that he had crossed the line by using her for emotional support and that all ties were being broken and she was not to call him period and he was not going to call her. He did not let her speak and said good-bye. The next morning I made him call and change his cell number. So for now I am still hurting and he wants to say - I screwed up and I know but lets move forward. I still want questions answered! Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Emotional intimacy is, IMHO, even more important in a relationship than sexual intimacy. Your husband is cheating on you even if he's not having sex. The fact that he's hiding his conversations is your first clue. I think you've got yourself a loser. You ask him to quit doing things and he does them behind your back. I doubt he is going to change, unfortunately. I could not agree more with what moimeme posted here. I was married to a liar and cheater for several years until I recently found he was hiring hookers. He lied about money, family, women, jobs, friends, everything and any stupid thing you could imagine. I realized, finally, that he was never, ever going to change. He needed professional help. And I believe your husband may as well. I was sure, a hundred times, that my ex was not lying. People tried to tell me, and I ignored it. He stole from his job, which is what finally ended our marriage. The only, and I mean ONLY time he ever told me the truth about anything is when I confronted him with evidence he could not deny. As for the stuff I did not have hard evidence of, only a feeling, well, that I will never know the truth about. I wish you all the strength in the world and hope you know you are worth more than a lying husband can offer. I will say this to your most recent post ... he has already been given several chances to end the friendship or be upfront with you, and he has bombed out everytime. If he still wants to have a relationship with this woman, he will find a way. much love, ~Lexi Link to post Share on other sites
Author freakout Posted November 5, 2003 Author Share Posted November 5, 2003 WOW1 The fog has cleared. Here is was hurting so bad inside that I never really saw the fact that by choosing to carry on with this friendship even though I had asked him not to and fully knowing what he was continueing - he chose another woman over me!!!!!!!! It is going to be tough but I have to go, I can not live with the fact that he chose another woman over me. He is sorry and ashamed and boy does he regret it - maybe his next wife will thank me! Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 It is tough, even for me, after years of it. I wish there was a way to shut off your love for someone, but it just isn't that easy. We are always here if you need support, and you can email me if you want to talk ... *hugs* ~Lexi Link to post Share on other sites
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