just got a call from BW...

[dobler33]

holy scoobie snacks. i JUST got a phone call from the BS of the xOM asking to meet with me over lunch to discuss "boundaries". i am totally flabbergasted because i have had no contact with either of them for quite some time now and so cannot imagine what kind of boundaries i could possibly have crossed. we still have mutual friends on facebook - could that be it? i never post anything inappropriate and when i see that either of them have responded to the thread of any of those mutual friends i never contribute. the xOM has not been so respectful, though, and has definitely added to threads i've commented on. if that's it then how is it that I'VE crossed a boundary? ai dios, i'm shaking. i never thought to hear from either of them again. WTF? any clues, folks?

[MistyK]

I'm taking a guess that MM is acting in a way that she believes he's still in contact with you. It sounds like she's feeling very threatened, is it possible he has another OW? Hard to say without knowing what's going on with those two since you stopped all contact. What did you say about her request?

[xpaperxcutx]

Does the BS know that you've ended the affair? Discussing it over lunch would be too uncomfortable because she could easily fling a glass of water in your face.

 

How are you doing in terms of being by yourself right now dobler?

If you feel that meeting up with BS would make you depressed I would suggest you call her back to tell her that you have ended the affair and would not get back in touch with either of them. But if you feel you're doing mentally well, then having lunch would not be a bad thing because the two of you would be confronting the problem in person and setting strict boundaries.

[dobler33]

I'm taking a guess that MM is acting in a way that she believes he's still in contact with you. It sounds like she's feeling very threatened, is it possible he has another OW? Hard to say without knowing what's going on with those two since you stopped all contact. What did you say about her request?

 

i would eat my hat, without ketchup to wash it down, if he has another OW. and if she believes he's still in contact w me shouldn't she take it up w him? her husband? who chose to stay w her? i don't want to be dragged back into their life. *shiver* she said that she had written me an email but prefered to talk in person because she didn't want a prolonged email communication, so i said that she could send me the email and if i had any response i would agree to meet with her to discuss it.

 

Does the BS know that you've ended the affair? Discussing it over lunch would be too uncomfortable because she could easily fling a glass of water in your face.

 

How are you doing in terms of being by yourself right now dobler?

If you feel that meeting up with BS would make you depressed I would suggest you call her back to tell her that you have ended the affair and would not get back in touch with either of them. But if you feel you're doing mentally well, then having lunch would not be a bad thing because the two of you would be confronting the problem in person and setting strict boundaries.

 

she knows he ended it, yes. she gave him an ultimatum and he chose to stay w her. so, sh*t. so i'm moving on, repairing with my husband, getting by. my husband just left town and so i'm bummed and would love not to have to deal with this right now. the whole thing squeebs me out no end. i don't want to have lunch with her. i want them both to go away and never have happened to me. but if she comes at me with some kind of cockamamie tosh about me crossing boundaries - tell me, how can there even be a discussion of boundaries if there are no actual points of contact - it's going to be difficult not to want to respond. i'll just have to bite my overactive tongue, i guess, and bitch about it here instead.

[2sunny]

i wouldn't meet with her. nothing can be gained by sitting with her telling you what she wants you to do or not to do.

 

let it go... tell her you intend to stay out of their marriage and don't want to discuss it at all. nothing to talk about. in fact, tell her not to call you again.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I wouldn't meet with her. Instead I'd tell her that part of the NC deal with xOM was t also have NC with his wife. Any problems existing in their marriage is something the two of them have to deal with and you are out of the equation. This is her problem. I wouldn't even go out of curiosity.

[KikiW]

I got a totally icky feeling reading your posts - my gut says to stay away from her.

 

I get the impression that she is feeling threatened by something and is putting it on you. Based on what you say, I can't see how you are crossing boundaries - there is no reason to expect you to ditch your mutual friends, and you steer clear of threads they are involved with. I think that is entirely appropriate.

 

If I were in your position, I would tell her I have reconsidered the lunch and say if she has an issue she needs to discuss she can do so through email. If I felt it needed to be handled outside of email (like she has misunderstood something), I would call her on the phone to discuss it.

 

Yeah, I don't like this lunch thing. Feels negative, and my gut instincts are usually pretty reliable.

[Full Of Hope]

Have you decided yet?

[MizzBlue72]

I wouldn't meet with her. She knows the A is over - and she does NOT own yuou, or your boundaries. Let her talk about these boundaries to the hubby she took back.

[bentnotbroken]

I am a BS who asked for a meeting with the ow. It was soon after d-day though. If you have been NC since the A was revealed, send her a new NC letter stating you would rather remain that way, since you are working on building a new and stronger marriage with your H.

[MistyK]

Yeah, if there has been no contact, I don't see any real need for a boundary discussion. Why talk fences when you have a wall and a moat?

[boldjack]

Sorry Dobie, but this is the kind of **** that happens when you have an affair. I know it would have been nice to have these things explained in the brochure, but they couldn't cover everything. There can be no good thing to come from meeting her. You are the evil OW, who lured her Husband away, she isn't going to believe a word you say. If her H is still commenting on threads (facebook) that you are on, she will believe him and blame you for starting something. After all. HE ended the affair, not you, so why would he want to break NC. That's how she will look at it. You need to delete your Facebook acct. and allow NO contact with him or her, AT ALL. Call her and tell her this and then TOTAL NC. That means TOTAL. Tell your husband about this, just in case.

[tami-chan]

I would not respond to her emails, or calls and definitely not meet with her. I would not acknowledge any communication from her. She wants to talk to you to quell some fears in her....why let her use you for her insecurities? She's a big girl, let her deal with what's bugging her on her own. Do not let her use you. You are done with her husband and done with her.

[dobler33]

Sorry Dobie, but this is the kind of **** that happens when you have an affair. I know it would have been nice to have these things explained in the brochure, but they couldn't cover everything. There can be no good thing to come from meeting her. You are the evil OW, who lured her Husband away, she isn't going to believe a word you say. If her H is still commenting on threads (facebook) that you are on, she will believe him and blame you for starting something. After all. HE ended the affair, not you, so why would he want to break NC. That's how she will look at it. You need to delete your Facebook acct. and allow NO contact with him or her, AT ALL. Call her and tell her this and then TOTAL NC. That means TOTAL. Tell your husband about this, just in case.

 

once again, i am saved by the flaws of technology. i just wrote a long-arsed overly emotional tirade that the browser wouldn't let me post because apparently it took too long between "post reply" and "submit reply". i'll try to paraphrase. i intend to tell my H as soon as possible. her email, when i received it, was a crazy delusion about all the people i am trying to take away from her via facebook. she seems to have a massive battle plan worked out in which i am trying to steal one friend away from her in retaliation for her trying to steal my sister-in-law away from me.

 

i'm stunned and not a little scared. our worlds are horrifically intertwined, which of course is my punishment. but i never tried to take anything away from her. i did not seduce her husband. from the day he told me he'd been in love with me for years to the day he decided to stay with her i never tried to sway him, always maintained support for his decisions, in fact defended her against his criticisms because i knew his judgement was impaired. when he decided to stay i swallowed it, gave her my best wishes, threw all my energies into rebuilding my marriage and removed myself from our shared social scene - sometimes having to make up grand and unflattering excuses to explain my absence because i respected her right to remain in control. regardless of what her husband did or did not do i bowed to her every wish. now she's trying to run me out of my own life, with my own family, and i have no idea what to do with this.

 

i have been telling myself: you are a therapist. you know the madness of love and the unprettiness of human emotions. this woman feels threatened and for good reason. give her whatever she needs, let her paint you however she needs to for the sake of her continued happiness in the marriage they are trying to rebuild. i have absorbed vulgar and obscene slurs, accusations of things that never happened, because i knew that she needed to hate me in order to heal from her husband's betrayal, and my betrayal. i have gladly lain down and received all her anger because i figured i deserved it. but now she's gone too far. she is setting limits around my communication with my own family and accusing me of plotting her downfall. what am i supposed to do with this? meet her and try to negotiate, knowing that nothing i say will mean anything because she has made me into the thief in the night, the villain who turned her husband's eye from her, even though his eye had been on me for years before my awareness of it? meet her and fight her down, even though i know her paranoia and vitriol is coming from sincere pain and insecurity that i understand and empathize with? not meet her and allow her to push me back into the smallest possible corner, the shamed woman in my own family, just so that she can feel sense of control over her own destiny? i have no idea.

 

i am sick of being the dalai effing lama. my heart got broken in this too, and i have been working tirelessly to heal it in a way that does not hurt anyone else. i am sick of being understanding, when someone is accusing me of atrocities and controlling who i do and do not speak to. the post that drove her over the edge was a f*cking bread recipe between myself and one of our mutual friends. i mean, please. what am i supposed to do?

 

i recognize that these are not popular views. i recognize that i am opening myself up for all kinds of vitriol, and i accept that. but try to be gentle - as crazy as it sounds i always tried to do the right thing in this disaster, even when it meant giving up my own interests in the interest of others. i told him to follow his conscience and he did, and i accepted that, no matter how fatally it hurt. what more can i do?

[dobler33]

and yes, it was even longer. thank your lucky internet protocols.

[sugarmomma]

I agree with everyone else. You are not responsible for her insecurities and what is or isn't happening in her m. btw, did you tell your husband that she called? what did he say?

 

I would delete all forms of communicating with these people. You are NEVER going to be friends again. Please don't go to meet her unless you want more drama.

 

 

I'd like to know what your h would think of this. He wouldn't be happy if you kept it from him.

[dobler33]

I agree with everyone else. You are not responsible for her insecurities and what is or isn't happening in her m. btw, did you tell your husband that she called? what did he say?

 

I would delete all forms of communicating with these people. You are NEVER going to be friends again. Please don't go to meet her unless you want more drama.

 

 

I'd like to know what your h would think of this. He wouldn't be happy if you kept it from him.

 

as i said, i intend to tell him. right now he's on a plane to europe and i probably won't be able to talk to him for a couple days. which sucks, cause i'd love his input and support.

[sugarmomma]

what do you think he would say?

 

Are you thinking of meeting her?

[dobler33]

what do you think he would say?

 

Are you thinking of meeting her?

 

 

i don't know, and i don't know. i wish i did. that's why i'm posting here. i think my husband would be supportive of whatever i felt i had to do. he knows the situation and how hard i've tried to mediate between unruly forces. as for meeting her, i'm feeling like i want to, if only to get her to back the f*ck off. i'm done with this, i'm moving on, she has her damn unfaithful husband all to herself, and i'm sick of being shoved around for his sins. i've got my own to deal with. sh*t, i don't know.

[sugarmomma]

If you decide to meet with her, please be careful. Her wmotions will be on 10, and she may SNAP on you!!! You don't know what frame of mind this woman is in!!!

 

Please be careful. We want to see you back on LS>

[dobler33]

If you decide to meet with her, please be careful. Her wmotions will be on 10, and she may SNAP on you!!! You don't know what frame of mind this woman is in!!!

 

Please be careful. We want to see you back on LS>

 

 

thanks, lovey. i'm all about PUBLIC SPACES. there's a nice high-traffic park near my house. think i'll be ok?

[sugarmomma]

I hope so. What is mtivating you to even want to talk to her? You already said that you're not gonna let her tell you what to do. So, what goodwill come from meeting with her?

 

I would tell her azz to take a run and jump!!

 

When are you gonna meet with her?

[sadintexas]

If I were in your shoes, I think what I would do is write her a simple, one paragraph reply letting her know that you have had no contact with her H, that you have no bad intentions towards her and are working on rebuilding your life with your H. Your desire is to move on and not inflict any pain to her whatsoever but that you will keep your friends/family and continue on with your life. Reiterate that for everyone to heal, no contact between all parties must be adhered to.

 

I do feel for her, but her actions and fears seem misplaced to me. You can only do so much to try to rectify this. If you don't put your foot down at some point, how long will she continue to contact you with absurd things in her healing journey? You need to be able to close that chapter and move on...and so does she.

[sugarmomma]

Yea I agree with the above post. It sounds like any meeting would simply be stirring the sh*t pot.

 

More Drama!!!

[boldjack]

Short of public self-flagellation, or you wearing a "scarlett letter",I can't think of any way to defuse her anxiety. But Dobie, her anxiety IS the result of the infidelity. There has never been an easy or kind way of ending an affair, you. of all people , should know this. Don't meet with her, don't have ANY contact with MM, time will ease the emotional forces. Yes, You will have to explain over and over again, Ad Infinitum, but did you honestly expect anything else?