just got a call from BW...

[dobler33]

Yea I agree with the above post. It sounds like any meeting would simply be stirring the sh*t pot.

 

More Drama!!!

 

 

GRRRRRRRR! i know. i know you're right, all of you who are advising the high road. i'm just so f*cking SICK of getting the short end of the stick here - the MM laying all his needs on me, then demanding i open up to him in every capacity, then DUMPING me when i'd presented all my f*cking guts for his perusal, then his wife continuously accusing me of trying to take "what belongs to her" - actual words, btw, as if i'd pissed on her own personal fire hydrant - i'm getting a little FED UP, you know???? i want to call her and say, "he chose you. live with it. your problems were never about me." and i want to call him and say, "you chose her. now do whatever the f*ck she needs you to do for her to feel secure and get her the hell off my ass. and if she's just too insecure and she won't be comforted then that's the road you chose and it's not my damn fault." i'm feeling protective of my family, my morals, my husband, my marriage, my humanity. i refuse to be the scapegoat for this couples' inability to communicate any longer. that's what makes me want to meet with her. end this unbearable bullsh*t once and for all.

[dobler33]

Short of public self-flagellation, or you wearing a "scarlett letter",I can't think of any way to defuse her anxiety. But Dobie, her anxiety IS the result of the infidelity. There has never been an easy or kind way of ending an affair, you. of all people , should know this. Don't meet with her, don't have ANY contact with MM, time will ease the emotional forces. Yes, You will have to explain over and over again, Ad Infinitum, but did you honestly expect anything else?

 

ha, jack, were you reading my atheist posts? naughty. i know her anxiety is the result of the infidelity. my husband's anxiety is the result of the infidelity, and i consider that absolutely my responsibility to address. her anxiety, from the moment he decided to stay with her, was his responsiblity, not mine. i'm not even sure he knows that she's come after me like this, which of course rankles no end. she got to read all my letters because she insisted that she needed to know everything. fine. i would have offered the same to my husband if he asked. but what gives her the right to continue pursuing me and not telling him about it? and if he does know, then it makes me want to puke, the way he's letting her blame me and demand retribution from me instead of dealing with the mess in his house his own damn self. can you see why i'm so enraged? i didn't ask for this. i made stupid decisions that i'm seeking to rectify in my own marriage. this guy pursued me and begged for my exposure, which i succumbed to because i was unhappy and lonely and, yes, again, stupid. i'm PAYING for my sh*t. why do i have to pay for his, too?

[anne1707]

You're paying for his sh*t too because that is what happens when you have an affair. This did not happen to you. You did it to yourself. So stop saying that you did not ask for this. You have no right to be angry at her when she is feeling pain and is taking it out on you. Did you have the right to have an affair with her H? Sorry but you have to stop this self-pity now.

 

As for meeting the wife - don't even go there. NC means not just NC with the ex-OM but also NC with her. Meeting her will just aggravate the situation and also increase likelihood of contact between you and the ex-OM. Also don't wait a few days to tell your H about this. You need to tell him ASAP otherwise it is just another lie to him.

[dobler33]

ai dios. i just responded to her demand for an answer and agreed to meet her, in a PUBLIC PLACE, tomorrow evening. i hope to end this for f*cking good. i have been way too accomodating here. she needs to heal, i need to heal. i need to look to my husband and her husband needs to look to her. she is not my responsiblity, and she does not get to dictate my social interactions for the rest of my life. ROAR. do not F*CK with a redhead, yo.

[boldjack]

Babe, I know that you are frustrated. You can't let it affect how you live and reconnect in your own M. If your H had an affair and you were in her place, how tolerant and secure would you be? How would you deal with anger issues, by blaming your H (who you are trying to reconcile with) or would you "take it out", on the one outlet you have the least regard for, the OW. I truly feel so bad for you...........But if you truly want this to be over, you MUST maintain NC with her AND your EX om. But you must be absolutely sure that you want them out of your lives, permanently. Have you thought what would happen if they can't reconcile? What if the Om were free? What would you do then? It is in your best interest for them to succeed. If she needs to blame you, for that to happen, you must take it and consider it the "price", you have to pay for your own reconciliation.

[dobler33]

You're paying for his sh*t too because that is what happens when you have an affair. This did not happen to you. You did it to yourself. So stop saying that you did not ask for this. You have no right to be angry at her when she is feeling pain and is taking it out on you. Did you have the right to have an affair with her H? Sorry but you have to stop this self-pity now.

 

As for meeting the wife - don't even go there. NC means not just NC with the ex-OM but also NC with her. Meeting her will just aggravate the situation and also increase likelihood of contact between you and the ex-OM. Also don't wait a few days to tell your H about this. You need to tell him ASAP otherwise it is just another lie to him.

 

i've written him an email but it will be several days before he gets it.

 

of course i am paying. but NC means NC, and she called me up today to accuse me of trying to use my own sister in law to attack her. i'm sorry, but that is too much. for the last two months i have done nothing but accept her anger and my own consequences. of course i did. i believe it's the right thing to do. when she sent me hateful vitriol emails i replied that i wish her the best and that i'm happy for her. when social circumstances came up in which we were likely to be in the same room i made up lame-ass excuses not to attend so that i could spare her dignity. i did this because it was the right thing to do. it has been a long time since i've had any contact with either of them and she called me tonight accusing me of treachery - totally unfounded accusations that sound like i'm some kind of evil harpy trying to steal all her friends away. of course i understand why. of course i have compassion and empathy for her. that's why i've disappeared. she's seeking me out to blame her unhappiness on me and that's not something i can accept. her husband has been getting out of bounds on facebook through mutual friends - even though i erased him from my account he posts on my stuff through them - and she is blaming me. it's either erase the mutual friends, which include my brother and sister in law for both of them, and my husband for her, or stand my ground here. i'm chosing to stand my ground. respectfully, compassionately, in a responsible adult fashion, but stand my ground nonetheless.

[anne1707]

Sorry but stop the excuses. You must do NC with her too. Plus they do have phones in Europe. Call your H.

[dobler33]

Babe, I know that you are frustrated. You can't let it affect how you live and reconnect in your own M. If your H had an affair and you were in her place, how tolerant and secure would you be? How would you deal with anger issues, by blaming your H (who you are trying to reconcile with) or would you "take it out", on the one outlet you have the least regard for, the OW. I truly feel so bad for you...........But if you truly want this to be over, you MUST maintain NC with her AND your EX om. But you must be absolutely sure that you want them out of your lives, permanently. Have you thought what would happen if they can't reconcile? What if the Om were free? What would you do then? It is in your best interest for them to succeed. If she needs to blame you, for that to happen, you must take it and consider it the "price", you have to pay for your own reconciliation.

 

if he were free i'd throw the binder of his collected works, all his manipulative letters to me, in his face. as hurt as my husband has been and as terrifying as this healing has been, he chose me in a way that the xOM would never have been capable of. if they can't reconcile it's because of all the problems they had before i was ever in the picture and i refuse to be the scapegoat for that, long after i've left the picture. and yes, she can blame me all she wants. i've been entirely comfortable with letting her do so until now. but when you start f*cking with my family, it's a different story. you know????

[sugarmomma]

D,

 

Your emotions seem to be running reallyhigh which is another reason to not meet w her.

 

Since you have already scheduled the meeting I hope it works out for you.

 

Good Luck!!

[dobler33]

Sorry but stop the excuses. You must do NC with her too. Plus they do have phones in Europe. Call your H.

 

 

he is in a tour bus for days on end and there is no way to get in contact with him until he's landed in one city for the night. trust me, i hate it even more than you do. he has a laptop now at least so he's likely to get my email by tomorrow night. i'm making no excuses. read my former posts. i take full responsibility for what's mine. her sh*t is not my sh*t. my sh*t is my sh*t and her sh*t is her sh*t. that is for her to work out with her husband and for me to work out with mine. i have no control over her husband or his actions. that's between them and i want no part of it, have solicited no part of it.

[dobler33]

D,

 

Your emotions seem to be running reallyhigh which is another reason to not meet w her.

 

Since you have already scheduled the meeting I hope it works out for you.

 

Good Luck!!

 

 

thanks, sugar!!!!! yes, i'm pissed at hell. that's why i'm ranting and raving here, so that i can get it all out of my system and meet her with serenity, self-awareness, calm and an unshakable foundation in my own truth. thanks for taking the stray bullets, y'all. much love for that.

[boldjack]

Dobie , I think it very unwise to meet. IMO. Even though you have always been mean to me, I have tried to help you when I could. It's a thankless task, and you usually scorn my advice. Why should this be any different? I am a broken man............Seriously, please take care, because..... I care. Please keep us posted, and let us know that you are OK. CALL YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! So he won't worry.

[sugarmomma]

There seems to be no way of talking her out of meeting with the BS.

 

No more we can say.

 

I can only imagine what that meeting will be like.

[boldjack]

Dobie, Sorry about that "babe", I was just caught up in the situation. I tried to edit , but it was too late. You know that I meant no disrespect. Forgive me?

[dobler33]

Dobie , I think it very unwise to meet. IMO. Even though you have always been mean to me, I have tried to help you when I could. It's a thankless task, and you usually scorn my advice. Why should this be any different? I am a broken man............Seriously, please take care, because..... I care. Please keep us posted, and let us know that you are OK. CALL YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! So he won't worry.

 

oh jack, you know i love you. i'm only mean to you when you ask for it, a la eleanor. thank you for your care. i think you're right that it's unwise, but i feel i need to set my own boundaries here and set them once and for all. i'm sure she'll have my guts for garters, but if i don't take a stand here i'll be setting a precident for her to chip away at more and more of my boundaries until there's nothing left, all in the name of her boundaries. and sh*t, i wish i COULD call my husband!!!!!! there is nothing i'd like more. i'm scared and uncomfortable and writhing in my own skin and would love him having my back, but i have to do what i feel is right without him. he is somewhere in the air over western europe and won't be contactable until at least late tomorrow night. as i've said, i've written him an email, so full disclosure still stands.

 

There seems to be no way of talking her out of meeting with the BS.

 

No more we can say.

 

I can only imagine what that meeting will be like.

 

ai dios, sugar, me too. i expect i won't be eating much tomorrow. i don't want a war with this woman. i loved her once and her intelligence is fierce, as fierce as her resentment of her husband. they have their path and i have mine. but it is not my responsiblity to erase my own image from the face of the earth to make her feel better about her husband's wandering heart, especially when it comes to my own friends and family. i have left him alone with his decision. i can't make it right for them by disappearing, nor is it fair of her to ask me to do so. so keep me in your thoughts tomorrow - i go to the lion's den, with willful stubbornness and stupidity, because i can't think of any other way of making this end.

[dobler33]

Dobie, Sorry about that "babe", I was just caught up in the situation. I tried to edit , but it was too late. You know that I meant no disrespect. Forgive me?

 

 

always and ever, jack. my leige, my greatest and most admirable foe.

[sugarmomma]

Okay! Into the lions den you go my friend.

 

May the force be with you!

[dobler33]

Okay! Into the lions den you go my friend.

 

May the force be with you!

 

 

meow. thanks, sugar.

[anne1707]

To be honest Dobler, I just feel that you are enjoying the drama. Maybe I am being cynical but it's one hell of a coincidence that this happens just as your H goes away.

 

You are showing no respect for your H if you meet this woman, especially if you do so without his prior knowledge. You are still so focussed on your heart break (which you have again referred to) that I do not believe you have put the OM behind you.

 

If you really want to make your marriage work, follow the advice of everybody who has posted here and do not meet the wife. If you want to put another nail in the coffin, then go ahead meet her and enjoy the drama you are creating. You are doing yet more damage to your marriage. Stop blaming the OM or his wife. No one is making you do this. You are choosing to do this.

[Owl]

Reading this, my first thought is that she DOES suspect that there's some kind of contact ongoing between her H and you, Dobie. I don't know that she's trying to dictate how you get to live your life as much as she's striving to ensure that the affair is over and remains that way.

 

Rather than meet with her, I'd send her a very short email response, with your husband copied, indicating that there's no need to discuss boundaries...NC is in place between OM and yourself, you have no intent or desire of violating that NC, and that's the end of it. Nothing to discuss.

 

It sounds to me like you want to meet to vent some spleen on her...to "set her straight" somehow. As a counselor, you know better. As her H's former affair partner, you know that's futile.

 

Simply tell her point blank that NC is in place...for life...there's no reason to meet because you have no desire to be drawn back into that drama.

 

And call it a day.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=dobler33;2223380]i loved her once and her intelligence is fierce, as fierce as her resentment of her husband. they have their path and i have mine. but it is not my responsiblity to erase my own image from the face of the earth to make her feel better about her husband's wandering heart, especially when it comes to my own friends and family. i have left him alone with his decision. i can't make it right for them by disappearing, nor is it fair of her to ask me to do so.

 

Dobler - as a BS, I was reading this thread and wondering what it is I would want to hear from you if I was this BS. Normally , I would agree with others when they advised not meeting her...but you know this woman and have had a relationship with her so its completely different.

 

Read the above in bold, quoted from YOU. Thats what you tell her.

It is emotionally honest, not contrived and sincere. Its the truth.

If she is not right now capable of hearing it...at least it will have been said.

[NoIDidn't]

Good luck with the meeting. If I was the OW, I wouldn't meet with her. It seems like she expects you to disappear off the face of the planet because of your indiscretion with her H. The fact that you are also married is what is even more threatening to her. She thinks the mutual people that you know are within her territory if they agree that your A with her H was wrong.

 

Of course, that means that they absolve him of the cheating moreso than you. But you already know that's the way things usually go, and took the risk of that happening when you indulged.

 

I agree with 2sure that you tell her what you wrote. And also tell her that NC is with her as well. No more contact between the two of you guys. She can't tell you whom you can and can't speak with. Her H talking to you indirectly via Facebook is something she needs to address with him. Maybe he will need to give up HIS Facebook account, not you, yours.

 

Either way, knowing me, I would have told her she needs to work this out within herself by now after all these months of NC. There are no more boundaries crossed and I probably would have laughed at her suggestion that we meet to talk about them. She is taking too much advantage of feeling she has the upperhand and the most moral support.

 

Its a weak card to play. People usually call your bluff on it after a while.

[silktricks]

i've written him an email but it will be several days before he gets it.

 

of course i am paying. but NC means NC, and she called me up today to accuse me of trying to use my own sister in law to attack her. i'm sorry, but that is too much. for the last two months i have done nothing but accept her anger and my own consequences. of course i did. i believe it's the right thing to do. when she sent me hateful vitriol emails i replied that i wish her the best and that i'm happy for her. when social circumstances came up in which we were likely to be in the same room i made up lame-ass excuses not to attend so that i could spare her dignity. i did this because it was the right thing to do. it has been a long time since i've had any contact with either of them and she called me tonight accusing me of treachery - totally unfounded accusations that sound like i'm some kind of evil harpy trying to steal all her friends away. of course i understand why. of course i have compassion and empathy for her. that's why i've disappeared. she's seeking me out to blame her unhappiness on me and that's not something i can accept. her husband has been getting out of bounds on facebook through mutual friends - even though i erased him from my account he posts on my stuff through them - and she is blaming me. it's either erase the mutual friends, which include my brother and sister in law for both of them, and my husband for her, or stand my ground here. i'm chosing to stand my ground. respectfully, compassionately, in a responsible adult fashion, but stand my ground nonetheless.

 

Haven't read the entire thread, but needed to respond here....

 

Sometime when people have been hurt (as she has) they begin to believe they have the right to continue to strike out at the person they blame for the pain. In this case, of course, that person is you.

 

You are the only person who can put up the boundaries and say, "no more". As long as you don't do that, she will continue to strike out at you and blame you for any and all pain she experiences.

 

IMO it's good that you are beginning to get angry yourself. She can only push you as far as you let her push you. And you can only spend so much of your life groveling over the past. Everybody makes mistakes - you made yours and it sounds like you've learned from them.

 

If I were you - which I'm not - I'd tell her that you are not going to meet with her and in addition, you are no longer going to avoid interaction by avoiding functions where she could be. You need to regain your life as does she. I'd also probably tell her that you carry no animosity towards her, that you understand her anger, but cannot spend anymore of your life showing penance for your past mistakes to anyone other than your husband.

 

Anyway - good luck.

[dobler33]

thanks for all your responses. sounds like some of you think i'm crazy, some of you agree with me. story of my life. i want to point out that it IS kind of fishy that this is happening the day my husband left - i can only assume she's been watching his page to see when he's leaving and took her opportunity to call me. yet another reason i think i have to face her and ask HER to respect MY boundaries. obviously no amount of gentle emails wishing her well and taking my leave are going to convince her that i'm not out to steal away everyone she knows.

 

i just a call from her (which i did not answer) telling me when she'd be meeting me. she had left the house for work before she checked her email, which once again makes me suspect that he doesn't know she's made contact like this. and yes, that does cheese me right off. it is utter and complete hyposcrisy on her part and flies in the face of everything she demanded of him, which is just so freaking enraging. but i'm going to spend the day thinking and reading and walking and taking baths (no patients today, thank god) and hopefully by the time i meet with her i will have discharged some of the rage. as i said, i want no war with her. i want no drama. she has reinserted herself into my life and my meeting with her is an attempt to push her away once and for all. as i also said, i have no doubt i'll get my arse kicked emotionally and have a really difficult time staying neutral and compassionate, but really feel like if i don't stand here i'll just end up crawling.

 

thanks again, y'all.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think you are crazy. I think you recognize that she is hurting because of something you participated in. But I think you are allowing her to take this too far. You have your own issues to deal with.

 

I would never have contacted you in this way if you were my H's OW. I contacted her twice. Once to ask a question for the truth about contact and another time to see if she still had any old emails from when they were actively in the EA should I decide to leave him (I live in a fault state). The second contact, I apologized profusely for even bothering her as I was sure it was an unwelcome contact.

 

I think this woman is taking advantage of any empathy she thinks people have for her position. And it will be to her own undoing. I've seen it too many times.

 

Don't let her attack you at this meeting. Tell her to keep it mature and respectful or threaten to leave. Something tells me she just wants to make you feel bad like she does. But its not going to make her feel any better and its only going to piss you off.