Because I don't feel crappy enough...

[2sure]

Misty -

 

I have been an OW, and after I remarried...a BS. So, I know a little bit about both " I didnt marry her", and " paying penance for my involvement."

 

From my own experience as OW, when my H cheated I didnt blame the OW. His cheating had not much to do with her. I didnt feel threatened by her because I knew the problem was my H. To me, she could have been anyone.

 

But still I felt that she had insinuated herself into MY life. Invited or not, she became an invisible (to me) player affecting MY life. That part of it had nothing to do with my H. To me, personally, it was the same as her feeling she had a right to go into my private matters, my family, etc. Like I said, invited by my H - so what? Again, this is MY life. Now, I didnt do the things this wife is doing and certainly think that doing them after he has left and filed is....unbalanced...but I DID speak to OW and told her in no uncertain terms that she had no idea what I was capable of and that now that I was on the same page as everyone else I felt completely comfortable participating in HER life as she did in mine. Did she think I was crazy? At the time, I was in a way. Did she want to take that chance? No.

 

So, like I said - this behavior after he has left and filed is not appropriate of course. But who knows what kind of gaslighting he has given her...for a long time now. Not wanting to hurt her by not being completely honest with her about her own life...is maddening.

 

She is probably a "uber-protective" mom - just as you describe yourself. She is frustrated that she has not been able to protect her family unit and is at this point focusing on you. Clearly her H doesnt want to be "the bad guy" so who knows what he has told her. Something that probably deflects the blame from him to you.

 

Now, I'm agreeing it is way wrong...but as a mother, if I felt like my family was being threatened, by anyone....it wouldnt take a lot of convincing for me to step over that line.

 

You should be very careful. This woman is not herself and may in fact be a little crazy. Hopefully, this all will pass.

[MistyK]

Misty -

 

I have been an OW, and after I remarried...a BS. So, I know a little bit about both " I didnt marry her", and " paying penance for my involvement."

 

From my own experience as OW, when my H cheated I didnt blame the OW. His cheating had not much to do with her. I didnt feel threatened by her because I knew the problem was my H. To me, she could have been anyone.

 

But still I felt that she had insinuated herself into MY life. Invited or not, she became an invisible (to me) player affecting MY life. That part of it had nothing to do with my H. To me, personally, it was the same as her feeling she had a right to go into my private matters, my family, etc. Like I said, invited by my H - so what? Again, this is MY life. Now, I didnt do the things this wife is doing and certainly think that doing them after he has left and filed is....unbalanced...but I DID speak to OW and told her in no uncertain terms that she had no idea what I was capable of and that now that I was on the same page as everyone else I felt completely comfortable participating in HER life as she did in mine. Did she think I was crazy? At the time, I was in a way. Did she want to take that chance? No.

 

So, like I said - this behavior after he has left and filed is not appropriate of course. But who knows what kind of gaslighting he has given her...for a long time now. Not wanting to hurt her by not being completely honest with her about her own life...is maddening.

 

She is probably a "uber-protective" mom - just as you describe yourself. She is frustrated that she has not been able to protect her family unit and is at this point focusing on you. Clearly her H doesnt want to be "the bad guy" so who knows what he has told her. Something that probably deflects the blame from him to you.

 

Now, I'm agreeing it is way wrong...but as a mother, if I felt like my family was being threatened, by anyone....it wouldnt take a lot of convincing for me to step over that line.

 

You should be very careful. This woman is not herself and may in fact be a little crazy. Hopefully, this all will pass.

 

Thank you for sharing that. She intially found out about us through a contractor that referenced my having been in her house (it's a long story), but I understood the feeling of her house not feeling her own. Honestly, I always told MM I was extremely uncomfortable there simply for that reason, it felt like an invasion to me as well. I am not surprised that she's lashing out at me, just surprised at the timing....

 

...which makes me wonder....is there the possibility that he's telling her he's not in contact with me and that he's committed to working it out? Then her reaction makes more sense. My first reaction is to say no, because she has a tendency to rewrite history and self-delude (just her particular flavor of coping mechanism), but we're obviously dealing with someone (MM) who has a history of lying. There is the fact that he has at least consistently refused to go back to counseling with her and is pushing the divorce through, but now I'm left to wonder.....ugh.

 

Regarding the not wanting to tell her the truth to protect her....I've told him that I think that's both insulting and patronizing. I believe it makes a difficult situation harder on her, and yes, I've asked myself the inevitable question of why should I expect to be treated any differently. He says it's just that he tries to keep her calm because of her tendency to drag in her kids, but it doesn't work anyway. As stupid as it sounds, I have told him that whether he intends to go back to her or not, he needs to treat her like an adult and stop the games.

[jwi71]

Misty,

 

I went back and read your other thread...the one from a few days ago.

 

Did your OM recently file for D?

Does he still live at home?

 

I ask because after reading both threads...I get some ambiguous answers to those questions...

[MistyK]

Misty,

 

I went back and read your other thread...the one from a few days ago.

 

Did your OM recently file for D?

Does he still live at home?

 

I ask because after reading both threads...I get some ambiguous answers to those questions...

 

He moved out several months ago, however he and I have had some arguments over boundary issues. After he moved out he continued to sleep over there periodically (which, as far as I can tell, defeats the purpose of moving out), but that hasn't happened for a couple weeks now (as far as I know). He still has a substantial amount of non-necessities over ther and I've been upset that he's refused to finish "moving out". He said he thought it would be "mean" somehow to give his moving out that kind of finality until more time has passed. He still insists on keeping his stuff there and I can't help but think that's because he wants to leave the door open to go back someday. It bothers me terribly, because it's like our relationship is constantly contingent upon the W and her mood that day.

 

She filed for divorce in April and asked her lawyer to hold the paperwork - I think she was hoping the threat would be enough to bring him crawling back. Eventually, having not received the paperwork, he called her lawyer and requested to be served with it. his story is that had she not filed, he would have. Supposedly he wanted her to feel like she was the one in control so he "let" her file.

[2sure]

Misty -

 

. But who knows what kind of gaslighting he has given her...for a long time now. Not wanting to hurt her by not being completely honest with her about her own life...is maddening.

 

...Clearly her H doesnt want to be "the bad guy" so who knows what he has told her.

 

Quoted myself but the point is important given your questions.

If his dishonesty to his wife is being justified because he 1. Doesnt want to "hurt" her and 2. Doesnt want to be the bad guy...

 

Why on earth would he be honest with you if he thought it would hurt you or want to be the bad guy in your eyes?

 

Something has driven this woman nuts. Even if she had a head start the lies and minipulations of her spouse would drive a sane person crazy. To be honest, from your posts - you are heading in the same direction with the same driver. People who are stable, people who are not being lied to or manipulated...do not CHOOSE this. Read that again Misty.

 

It can ONLY benefit you at this point to step away from him and let his divorce become final without you. Doing this will eventually , should you get back with him later...make a better start point with his kids and possibly even his ex.

[MistyK]

Why on earth would he be honest with you if he thought it would hurt you or want to be the bad guy in your eyes?

 

Something has driven this woman nuts. Even if she had a head start the lies and minipulations of her spouse would drive a sane person crazy. To be honest, from your posts - you are heading in the same direction with the same driver. People who are stable, people who are not being lied to or manipulated...do not CHOOSE this. Read that again Misty.

 

It can ONLY benefit you at this point to step away from him and let his divorce become final without you. Doing this will eventually , should you get back with him later...make a better start point with his kids and possibly even his ex.

 

My sister has essentially said the same thing, and I do have serious concerns (which I admittedly ignore sometimes) about it. He has driven me to points where i question my own sanity and I can certainly see what he's done to her - it's just that she has an apparently much harder time controlling her reactions. I suppose it's easier for me to think that's she's just crazy to begin with.

 

I've suggested to him many times that we part ways temporarily because I can't take the yo-yo anymore, and everytime he agrees but then we can't stay apart. More recently, this last time, he said he would consider it that I abandoned him when he needed me the most and never want to get back together. And as I am the reigning queen of abandonment fear, this works on me.

[lkjh]

MistyK,

 

You are right that you are only responsible for your actions, and you chose to sleep with her H, enter her home, and get involved with her family. Everything in your life is fair game now. This is a matter of common sense. You are a major CAUSE of their problem, if you didn't sleep with her H and take it upon yourself to enter someone else's life then maybe just maybe they could have worked it out

[MistyK]

MistyK,

 

You are right that you are only responsible for your actions, and you chose to sleep with her H, enter her home, and get involved with her family. Everything in your life is fair game now. This is a matter of common sense. You are a major CAUSE of their problem, if you didn't sleep with her H and take it upon yourself to enter someone else's life then maybe just maybe they could have worked it out

 

Well, then there's where we differ. I never would have gotten involved unless I was positive that they had no chance at all of reconciling. Now, was my initial decision based on misinformation/lies/etc from him, quite probably. But it's what I believed and still believe, especially given all I know of their background. Throughout this whole thing I've asked him that pint blank numerous times, especially in the beginning, and he always said they could never repair the marriage.

[2sure]

His wife filed for the divorce and held the paperwork. Maybe she was thinking they could work it out. Maybe because he kept coming back to her and sleeeping over. Maybe because he refused to move out all of his stuff. Maybe because ...what I'm saying is , if she thought maybe it could work out its because he convinced her of this. With his ACTIONS, as well as his lies or words.

 

A BS initially puts 100% blame on the WS. Its instinctual, its common sense and its easy to do because we are aware of their faults, we are aware the marriage has problems. When a BS confronts the WS, he will do everything he can to make it go away. Deny. Failing that, they deflect the blame to OW. A BS does not blame OW FIRST. She is on the list if course, but doesnt come into focus until WS puts her in the line of fire ahead of himself.

 

Misty - your MM is a drama queen. How you can continue to find this trait attractive in a man is beyond me. Sorry, had to get that out.

[jwi71]

He moved out several months ago, however he and I have had some arguments over boundary issues. After he moved out he continued to sleep over there periodically (which, as far as I can tell, defeats the purpose of moving out), but that hasn't happened for a couple weeks now (as far as I know). He still has a substantial amount of non-necessities over ther and I've been upset that he's refused to finish "moving out". He said he thought it would be "mean" somehow to give his moving out that kind of finality until more time has passed. He still insists on keeping his stuff there and I can't help but think that's because he wants to leave the door open to go back someday. It bothers me terribly, because it's like our relationship is constantly contingent upon the W and her mood that day.

 

She filed for divorce in April and asked her lawyer to hold the paperwork - I think she was hoping the threat would be enough to bring him crawling back. Eventually, having not received the paperwork, he called her lawyer and requested to be served with it. his story is that had she not filed, he would have. Supposedly he wanted her to feel like she was the one in control so he "let" her file.

 

Oh Misty, Misty, Misty.

 

Here's the thing.

 

HE NEVER FILED.

 

Hello? Does that mean anything to you? What does this tell you?

 

HE NEVER FILED.

 

Its your new mantra. Tape it to your bathroom mirror.

 

HAving been through D yourself, you KNOW that his reasons are lies. No REASON what-so-ever to delay. None. Not one. They are simply beating each other up with the "D word". Sorry..but he has gaslighting you both.

 

Come on Misty...I threw my WW out...think I ALLOW her back in? Hell no. No way, no how is she welcome back to "stay the night". You don't sound like a mentally retarded crackhead...yet when it comes to him...your brain just turns itself off.

 

Its ok...just turn your head, close your eyes and pretend he did file.

 

But...HE NEVER FILED.

 

You are now and will never be more than the OW.

 

Run, run, run, run, run....

 

Tape that below your first mantra...

[MistyK]

His wife filed for the divorce and held the paperwork. Maybe she was thinking they could work it out. Maybe because he kept coming back to her and sleeeping over. Maybe because he refused to move out all of his stuff. Maybe because ...what I'm saying is , if she thought maybe it could work out its because he convinced her of this. With his ACTIONS, as well as his lies or words.

 

I'm glad to hear you say that. He's been trying really hard to tell me that those precise actions are not misleading and I think they absolutely are. He's good at making me think I'm crazy. (He does it to her too - once convinced her she was seeing things when she found one of my undergarments on the floor in his office - I was hiding in a closet when she walked in and I had accidentally dropped them from the pile of clothes I was carrying in the rush.) Now, supposedly his slow extracation is because he wanted to take it slow to "cushion" the impact, but I think it in fact aggravates the hell out of it. I also think it's nonsense because it appears like he wants to keep her on as plan B in case it doesn't work out with me.

 

A BS initially puts 100% blame on the WS. Its instinctual, its common sense and its easy to do because we are aware of their faults, we are aware the marriage has problems. When a BS confronts the WS, he will do everything he can to make it go away. Deny. Failing that, they deflect the blame to OW. A BS does not blame OW FIRST. She is on the list if course, but doesnt come into focus until WS puts her in the line of fire ahead of himself.

 

That's also interesting. Now that you say that, I can think of a few things I need to look at. He has told her that he's in love with me and that I tried to break it off and all these things to supposedly take the blame off me, but maybe his telling the W that he's in love with me is actually designed to place me in the line of fire. He set up a competition in these communications with her - he tells her that I've always been good to him , etc - which of course implies that she has not been. Is that throwing me under the bus then?

 

Misty - your MM is a drama queen. How you can continue to find this trait attractive in a man is beyond me. Sorry, had to get that out.

 

In looking over my history, I've tended to pick out men that put out a "rescue me" vibe. As you might imagine it doesn't ever work out because I get tired of rescuing and want a equal partner. Gotta work on the radar.....

[MistyK]

Come on Misty...I threw my WW out...think I ALLOW her back in? Hell no. No way, no how is she welcome back to "stay the night". You don't sound like a mentally retarded crackhead...yet when it comes to him...your brain just turns itself off.

 

You're absolutely right. What I can't figure out though is why I've let him have that kind of power over me or why I feel powerless to stop it.

[silktricks]

Some men seem to think they are being "kind" when they don't tell the truth - or at least that's what they tell themselves (and anyone who will listen to them). But they aren't they are being needlessly cruel.

 

It isn't kind to lead someone to believe they care more than they do. It isn't kind to lead a wife to believe they may come back when they know very well they won't. It isn't kind to lead an OW to believe they want to be with them when they don't. It isn't kind to manipulate another person - ever. It isn't loving or kind to provide "reasons" for their actions, when in truth the reason is that they don't want to deal with the fall-out and the pain that other people are experiencing.

 

Be careful of this man. He doesn't sound kind or loving of anyone but himself.

[silktricks]

You're absolutely right. What I can't figure out though is why I've let him have that kind of power over me or why I feel powerless to stop it.

 

Because you gave all of your power to him.

[MistyK]

Some men seem to think they are being "kind" when they don't tell the truth - or at least that's what they tell themselves (and anyone who will listen to them). But they aren't they are being needlessly cruel.

 

It isn't kind to lead someone to believe they care more than they do. It isn't kind to lead a wife to believe they may come back when they know very well they won't. It isn't kind to lead an OW to believe they want to be with them when they don't. It isn't kind to manipulate another person - ever. It isn't loving or kind to provide "reasons" for their actions, when in truth the reason is that they don't want to deal with the fall-out and the pain that other people are experiencing.

 

Be careful of this man. He doesn't sound kind or loving of anyone but himself.

 

I know...there's been a lot of mixed messages given to us both. He moves out, purchases thousand of dollars of furniture for the house (for the kid's bedrooms, etc), purchases the house and yet refuses to bring his stuff over - he won't even bring the kids to his house to visit, he insists on visiting them at her place, supposedly so they aren't disrupted. What little he has in the new house of his personal belongings, she threw at him at one time or another (to include all his clothes, etc). Was buying the house and all the furniture really just a show for me? Seems extreme just to keep the affair going.

 

He really doesn't like thinking he's destroyed other people's happiness. And yes, he admits to avoiding it at all costs. I like to think he's getting better in therapy but it appears we're in a vicious cycle:

 

I don't trust his motives because he's waffled so much >> he feels me pulling away and waffles more >> his doing this makes me even less secure and trusting so I pull away more>>> and on it goes to infinity.

 

I don't think he's cruel by nature, just emotionally crippled. I think actually he cares very little for himself and defeats himself constantly trying to feel like a half decent person.

[boldjack]

Misty, As far as I am able to discern, there is not an innocent party to your story, except the kids. You, your MM, the BS are not my concern, and I have no sympathy for ANY of you. The only immediate issue is to protect the children. You need to contact the BW and the MM and ask that they try not to involve the children in your drama. I forgot the childrens' ages, but if they are old enough, you must make sure that they understand that this is NOT normal behavior and impress on them proper moral values. Even if it means admitting guilt.

[silktricks]

I don't think he's cruel by nature, just emotionally crippled. I think actually he cares very little for himself and defeats himself constantly trying to feel like a half decent person.

 

ANYONE who attempts to make another person feel like they are CRAZY - as you said in an earlier post he has done - both to his wife AND you - IS cruel. It doesn't matter, really, if he's cruel by nature or emotionally crippled. It doesn't matter WHY he's cruel, it only matters that he is.

[NoIDidn't]

MistyK RUN from this man. He is bad news. He has probably gaslit his W for YEARS. Years of this madness WILL drive a person to behave as she has. She is likely one of those people that always took the highground and has realized that taking the highground isn't worth jacksh*t when you don't get what you want out of it.

 

He never filed for a D. He checkmated her into doing it. And even when she had the paperwork held, he then ordered HER lawyer into filing them officially. He wanted her to do it. He wants to be the good guy. You don't want a man that can't own his own choices.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, they will hear of what went down eventually. Its too bad they heard it in this way, but you didn't really consider her and her family when you were in their home. Seriously. Just because the kids didn't catch you there doesn't mean that they themselves aren't just as mad at you for invading their home that they share with their MOM and Dad, and not you.

 

You don't need this drama. Love is never a good enough reason to put up with any of this mess.

[MistyK]

MistyK RUN from this man. He is bad news. He has probably gaslit his W for YEARS. Years of this madness WILL drive a person to behave as she has. She is likely one of those people that always took the highground and has realized that taking the highground isn't worth jacksh*t when you don't get what you want out of it.

 

He never filed for a D. He checkmated her into doing it. And even when she had the paperwork held, he then ordered HER lawyer into filing them officially. He wanted her to do it. He wants to be the good guy. You don't want a man that can't own his own choices.

 

As far as the kids are concerned, they will hear of what went down eventually. Its too bad they heard it in this way, but you didn't really consider her and her family when you were in their home. Seriously. Just because the kids didn't catch you there doesn't mean that they themselves aren't just as mad at you for invading their home that they share with their MOM and Dad, and not you.

 

You don't need this drama. Love is never a good enough reason to put up with any of this mess.

 

In fairness, we were always in my house or elsewhere, not their house. That would have been too weird.

 

I've resigned myself to knowing his kids will hate me - MM made sure of that when he didn't leave before being busted (apparently he wanted to be thrown out so he didn't have to feel like a bad guy leaving, but of course, she didn't throw him out so that screwed up his plans there). And BW made sure of it because she's constantly referring to me as a slut, whore, etc in front of the kids. Sadly, she could have screamed at him privately, but she seems to feel somehow redeemed by tearing him down for the kids. Why not let them figure things out themselves, why emotionally abuse them, divide their loyalty for her own selfish need to feel vindicated as being the one on the "right". How is any of that ok just because her husband and I have a relationship? Doesn't hurt me, just the kids. My xH did a lot of really terrible things, yet I don't feel compelled to tell my kids about them. At any rate, I know MM's kids will hate me, and I know I've earned that. Truthfully though, in my experiences with step-families, they were going to hate me no matter what, this just makes it worse. As far as my own, they're young enough that this episode will be a distant memory. I fully expect that MM's kids will tell the the tale someday, and they will likely judge me someday on that. I will have to live with that then.

[jwi71]

I've resigned myself to knowing his kids will hate me - MM made sure of that when he didn't leave before being busted (apparently he wanted to be thrown out so he didn't have to feel like a bad guy leaving, but of course, she didn't throw him out so that screwed up his plans there).

 

Uh...Misty, I think your brain is alseep. Have a double super strength cappuccino. He hasn't filed and their petition has been withdrawn. There is NO D going on. He simply moved out, she filed then withdrew the petition. No one is moving in terms of D. In fact...does your MM have a lawyer?

 

And the kids hating you has killed your R before it ever begun. Mark my words on that. And its EXACTLY what the BW wants.

And BW made sure of it because she's constantly referring to me as a slut, whore, etc in front of the kids.

I find that reprehensible. But you cannot control it so try and focus only on what you CAN control. And that's you. YOU are all you can control. What can YOU do to end this drama...or make it less?

 

Sadly, she could have screamed at him privately, but she seems to feel somehow redeemed by tearing him down for the kids. Why not let them figure things out themselves, why emotionally abuse them, divide their loyalty for her own selfish need to feel vindicated as being the one on the "right".

As the children grow up they will have questions and the BW wants to make sure they KNOW who didn't do this - her. I don't think she is emotionally abusing them at all...its not healthy and suboptimal, but I wouldnt qualify it as abuse. Its also, I bet, VERY common in this situation.

 

I personally think she is doing it to hurt her H. And to ruin your R with him. Lets face it...if his kids hate you...your R is already dead. Just think about what life will be like when his kids hate him because of you. And what will happen when they refuse to see daddy because of you? Or make life hell because you're there?

 

How is any of that ok just because her husband and I have a relationship? Doesn't hurt me, just the kids.

Its not ok.

And since you seem to be the only adult in this triangle...what can YOU do to protect the kids? You already know MM isn't and the BW isn't...up to you.

 

And here's what I suggest. And you probably wont like it much.

Put your R on hold. Tell your MM he shouldn't come around until the D is final. Why? Because this drama is affecting YOUR kids now. You, since no one else is, need to step up and take control. And you do this by telling MM to not come by anymore until the D is final. Stop handing the BW ammunition. Stop making this worse. How do you think the BW interprets your words and actions. Here's a hint: poorly. Really poorly.

 

Call the police. Not your buddy's friend...call 911. Report the harrasment. Demonstrate in unambiguous terms you won't be trifled with.

 

The longer you do nothing the longer this crap goes on. Compel ACTION.

[Owl]

In fairness, we were always in my house or elsewhere, not their house. That would have been too weird.

 

I've resigned myself to knowing his kids will hate me - MM made sure of that when he didn't leave before being busted (apparently he wanted to be thrown out so he didn't have to feel like a bad guy leaving, but of course, she didn't throw him out so that screwed up his plans there). And BW made sure of it because she's constantly referring to me as a slut, whore, etc in front of the kids. Sadly, she could have screamed at him privately, but she seems to feel somehow redeemed by tearing him down for the kids. Why not let them figure things out themselves, why emotionally abuse them, divide their loyalty for her own selfish need to feel vindicated as being the one on the "right". How is any of that ok just because her husband and I have a relationship? Doesn't hurt me, just the kids. My xH did a lot of really terrible things, yet I don't feel compelled to tell my kids about them. At any rate, I know MM's kids will hate me, and I know I've earned that. Truthfully though, in my experiences with step-families, they were going to hate me no matter what, this just makes it worse. As far as my own, they're young enough that this episode will be a distant memory. I fully expect that MM's kids will tell the the tale someday, and they will likely judge me someday on that. I will have to live with that then.

 

Someday could be within the next few months, if the divorce and all that does go through.

 

I'm also curioius about how your kids will feel when they learn about how you met OM, and what led to his "being with you"?

 

Again, these are all consequences of choices that all three of you have made.

 

I agree with the advice to step back for a while...let MM and his BW work out their divorce...and THEN see what relationship will be possible with MM.

 

Perhaps at that point, things will have calmed down enough that the two of you can resume a more 'normal' relationship...or you'll have had time to develop a gameplan to work through the issues that you'll be facing with kids and such.

 

Stepping back right now will probably be your only way to get out of all of this "drama", and give your kids some semblence of normalcy.

[NoIDidn't]

Might I add that it was unbelievably cowardly of him to call you and tell you that his W was on her way over to rant. He should have done something to stop that. But he gets to have her in her anger get painted as a nutjob by you and he's some sort of saint for having to put up with this.

 

I'm not with the others on putting the R with him on hold. I say end it altogether. You are not going to get a happily ever after with him. His kids and his W will see to it. And so will he as he seems to enjoy having two women fight over him.

[MistyK]

Might I add that it was unbelievably cowardly of him to call you and tell you that his W was on her way over to rant. He should have done something to stop that. But he gets to have her in her anger get painted as a nutjob by you and he's some sort of saint for having to put up with this.

 

I'm not with the others on putting the R with him on hold. I say end it altogether. You are not going to get a happily ever after with him. His kids and his W will see to it. And so will he as he seems to enjoy having two women fight over him.

 

Re: cowardliness - That's an excellent point, and my best friend said that to me as well.

 

Being a nutjob - it's quite a chicken or the egg proposition. Having been involved in this long enough, I can say he is capable of MAKING someone nuts. So, was she nuts before, or did he make her that way? Who can say?

[MistyK]

Uh...Misty, I think your brain is alseep. Have a double super strength cappuccino. He hasn't filed and their petition has been withdrawn. There is NO D going on. He simply moved out, she filed then withdrew the petition. No one is moving in terms of D. In fact...does your MM have a lawyer?

 

 

She filed the petition, I verified that with the courthouse. She didn't withdraw it, just delayed having him served with it. He asked her lawyer to serve him. Yes he does have a lawyer of his own.

 

 

And the kids hating you has killed your R before it ever begun. Mark my words on that. And its EXACTLY what the BW wants.

I find that reprehensible. But you cannot control it so try and focus only on what you CAN control. And that's you. YOU are all you can control. What can YOU do to end this drama...or make it less?

 

I see no real alternative other than to ditch this whole mess. But I can't bring myself to do it.

 

As the children grow up they will have questions and the BW wants to make sure they KNOW who didn't do this - her. I don't think she is emotionally abusing them at all...its not healthy and suboptimal, but I wouldnt qualify it as abuse. Its also, I bet, VERY common in this situation.

I personally think she is doing it to hurt her H. And to ruin your R with him. Lets face it...if his kids hate you...your R is already dead. Just think about what life will be like when his kids hate him because of you. And what will happen when they refuse to see daddy because of you? Or make life hell because you're there?

 

I'm sure it's very common too. And I take no issue with her telling the children the split was their father's decision. It all the venom. My parents had that kind of divorce and we were never able to trust either parent because there was always a propaganda war going on. Fortunately, my divorce was amicable. I had hoped the same for his kids. Presently, the kids refuse to go to his house, now that he finally wants them tobecause of all that has transpired. I think he really screwed up in how he handled this, and it's sad that she needs to make the kids feel guilty for having contact with their father.

 

 

Call the police. Not your buddy's friend...call 911. Report the harrasment. Demonstrate in unambiguous terms you won't be trifled with. .

 

My friend's husband IS a police officer, and I called him on duty. I asked him just to tell her to stop the nonsense because I didn't want to make a federal production with having charges pressed (which I could have). My xH told me he'd be a witness if i needed him to, that's how bizarre this was. I hope that ends it, but if not, at least my neighbors are now aware of her through her own doing and the paper trail has started. I really didn't want to push the issue because I want to LOWER the drama quotient. Plus, I know their daughter was at home and she doesn't need the additonal trauma of the police hauling mom off.

[Owl]

I'd suggest that the SITUATION is what "made her nuts"...having been through this from her angle as well.

 

His actions were cowardly on several counts...because he could have either defended his OW from the wife, or he could have not forewarned her at all (which would have shown loyalty to his wife)....bottom line is that he's just proved once again that the only person he's "in this for" is himself.

 

Regardless...the only way for Misty to get through this as intact as possible is to let the situation between MM and his wife resolve itself before she resumes any contact with anyone.

 

Otherwise...this is going to continue, or even escalate.

 

The suggestion on a restraining order against her is a good idea if this continues any further at all...but removing yourself from the situation until he's truly available to be with you (divorced) is the best way to handle this for your kids.