Because I don't feel crappy enough...

[MistyK]

Again...look at this from another viewpoint.

 

You said that nothing was intended to harm her...but then you admit that you knew that it would.

 

That's like saying I never meant to hit the guy in the yellow shirt when I threw the rock into the crowd.

 

You took an action...that you knew would harm her.

 

It IS about her from that perspective. She was an intentional victim.

 

Again...this doesn't justify her actions, and I agree with everyone about getting a restraining order.

 

And I agree with putting the relationship with him on hold until the divorce is final. It removes you from the spotlight.

 

Ok, this is where I must explain my delusion of a year ago. At that time, I really believed it was possible for everyone to get out of this unscathed. he was supposed to leave her before getting caught and keep me out of it. It was supposed to be about the failure of their marriage, not the affair that resulted from the failure.

 

Of course, what actually happend was he wussed out and set himself up to get caught because he figured it'd bring a quick and easy end to things and allow her to move on quickly because she'd hate him.

 

She was never supposed to find out about the affair and at that time, I believed it was possible. I see the stupidity in that now. But this is what I mean by I never intended to hurt her - I knew she would be hurt if doscovered, but I didn't think it would be discovered, ever, because I stupidly trusted my MM to stand by his word (ironic, no?).

[boldjack]

And yet you're still with him. Doesn't sound very bright to me. The guy is a skunk.

[fooled once]

But in this case, there was some warning - he'd told her he was thinking of leaving her way before the affair. Not that that prepares you for an affair, nor justifies it happening, but she knew there were significant problems and refused to work together with him on them while they were in counseling well before D-Day. Maybe that's just what i tell myself to sleep at night, I dunno. He volunteered this info on one of many occasions I would voice guilt about hurting her.

 

YOU have NO, NO idea what the truth is.

 

You are getting 2nd hand information from someone who lies, cheats and manipulates.

 

Why don't you get that he is PLAYING you?????

 

And like so many others have pointed out - what has HE done action wise to end his marriage? NOT ONE THING.

 

Why are you with him? To "win" him away from that mean old, wife who doesn't provide enough sex to him, yells at him for no apparant reason, who is abusive to children you have never met, who calls you names and who obviously did something to push her husband into your open and willing arms??

 

And for the record, I am NOT a BS -- I am a woman who doesn't cheat nor would I want a man who cheats. <shrug> those are my principals and standards.

 

You seem to want someone who does.

 

If this love is so great, then back off and let him get divorced (and I would bet he never does get divorced) and then be with him.

[MistyK]

Misty,

 

Kindly think of this:

 

What ACTIONS has your MM taken to end the M?

 

Not actions by his W..not actions by you...actions by HIM.

And...this will be kinda rude...but I don't want to hear what he tells you or what he hears/says from/to others. I want you to think and list the ACTIONS he took to end the M.

 

In sum...prove to me his ACTIONS unambiguously and unequivocally say "I am going through with my D". Actually...its "prove to yourself"...but you know what I mean...

 

I'm with you. I've tried to do this sort of inventory before and it comes out ok, until I compare it to the inventory on stuff he's doing to not end the M, and then i get confused again.

 

To review, here's what he's actively done to end the marriage: He sought out and purchased another house all on his won. He moved in with his personal effects and hasn't moved back. He's refused any further marriage counseling. He has set up concrete custody and Support plans with her lawyer. When it became clear the W was purposely not having him served with the D paperwork to delay things, he called her lawyer and asked to be served immediately (which he was). He stopped sleeping over there. He's told her that he isn't in love with her (despite loving her as the mother of his kids) and cannot live with her (I've seen the email proof of this). He signed off on her car, changed his credit card account numbers, and opened new accounts for himself. He has told his therapist and all his family members that he intends to divorce her and be with me. They are all supportive of this (save the church official, which is to be expected). He did not purchase anything for or celebrate their anniversary last month and hasn't worn his wedding ring for at least 6 months. After the incident on Sunday, he told her he'd testify for me and was on my side.

 

Now here's the flip side: He still has his second car and some other non-essentially belongings that he REFUSES to move out of there because he seems to think that doing so will upset the kids. When she asks about the future of the marriage, whether he's still in touch with me, or whether he'll come home, he ususally doesn't say anything at all (supposedly because he thinks that being honest with her is rubbing her nose in it). He slept over there about a dozen times since he moved out (supposedly in another room and that has stopped finally). He hasn't actually had the kids over at his house since the split (out of courtesy to her feelings because she staunchly opposed this), and spends hours every day at the marital home "to visit the kids".

 

Now, just by eyeballing, you can see the lists are roughly equivalent in size. How the hell do I decipher that?

[NoIDidn't]

Now, just by eyeballing, you can see the lists are roughly equivalent in size. How the hell do I decipher that?

 

Oh that's easy.

 

You decipher it with the truth. He's not being truthful with her. If he actually intends to divorce her, he needs to tell her to give up hope and that he is seeing you. He needs to tell her she needs to let go. He needs to have a conversation with the kids about his things leaving the marital home that he left. He needs to set up therapy with the kids to help them move on.

 

The truth is the problem here. If he thinks that telling her the truth is too hurtful, I have to wonder if he feels telling you the truth one day is going to be too hard too?

 

All the things that he has done with regards to the new house and other things can still be changed back or sold so that he can go back home should he decide to.

 

He needs to tell her the truth. That may be the only thing that will calm her down (after an escalation, of course - but at least you did call the police already).

[MistyK]

YOU have NO, NO idea what the truth is.

 

You are getting 2nd hand information from someone who lies, cheats and manipulates.

 

Why don't you get that he is PLAYING you?????

 

And like so many others have pointed out - what has HE done action wise to end his marriage? NOT ONE THING.

 

Why are you with him? To "win" him away from that mean old, wife who doesn't provide enough sex to him, yells at him for no apparant reason, who is abusive to children you have never met, who calls you names and who obviously did something to push her husband into your open and willing arms??

 

And for the record, I am NOT a BS -- I am a woman who doesn't cheat nor would I want a man who cheats. <shrug> those are my principals and standards.

 

You seem to want someone who does.

 

If this love is so great, then back off and let him get divorced (and I would bet he never does get divorced) and then be with him.

 

 

How is the view from that high horse? I honestly never ever thought I'd cheat or be involved in a situation like this. If you'd have told me so 5 years ago, I'd have said you were nuts. Sometimes, there are parts of ourselves that we don't like to admit are there because they aren't pretty. You can look down your nose at me all you want, but we'll see how you feel if you should ever find yourself a cheater or with a cheater you love.

 

Similarly, a friend used to give me big attitude about the EA I had on my husband. Guess what? She's had two physical affairs now. My MM used to teach marriage classes and be mr. morality to his friends that had affairs. The universe sees sanctimoniousness like this and reminds us that we are all human, capable of all things. Sometimes you find yourself surprised at yourself.

[MistyK]

Oh that's easy.

 

You decipher it with the truth. He's not being truthful with her. If he actually intends to divorce her, he needs to tell her to give up hope and that he is seeing you. He needs to tell her she needs to let go. He needs to have a conversation with the kids about his things leaving the marital home that he left. He needs to set up therapy with the kids to help them move on.

 

The truth is the problem here. If he thinks that telling her the truth is too hurtful, I have to wonder if he feels telling you the truth one day is going to be too hard too?

 

All the things that he has done with regards to the new house and other things can still be changed back or sold so that he can go back home should he decide to.

 

He needs to tell her the truth. That may be the only thing that will calm her down (after an escalation, of course - but at least you did call the police already).

 

I agree, and supposedly these are all things he's working on in therapy. He has told her it's over on numerous occasions, but it's usually been in an angry conversation and not consistent. He is supposed to have the kids over tomorrow night and this weekend. So I will know in short order if he's capable of following thorugh on what he tells me there. I keep trying to tell him that although her immediate reaction may be bad, it's much kinder to tell her the truth (if it is the truth) than string her along. But he's in such fear (and he says, paralyzed by guilt), he can't bring himself to do that consistently and calmly yet.

[NoIDidn't]

How is the view from that high horse? I honestly never ever thought I'd cheat or be involved in a situation like this. If you'd have told me so 5 years ago, I'd have said you were nuts. Sometimes, there are parts of ourselves that we don't like to admit are there because they aren't pretty. You can look down your nose at me all you want, but we'll see how you feel if you should ever find yourself a cheater or with a cheater you love.

 

Similarly, a friend used to give me big attitude about the EA I had on my husband. Guess what? She's had two physical affairs now. My MM used to teach marriage classes and be mr. morality to his friends that had affairs. The universe sees sanctimoniousness like this and reminds us that we are all human, capable of all things. Sometimes you find yourself surprised at yourself.

 

Actually, your MM and your friend are just victims of peer pressure. Its pretty common for the friends and associates of those that engage in affairs to start having their own affairs.

 

And its not uncommon for those newcomers to infidelity to outdo their, er, teachers (so to speak).

 

We are all capable of cheating. The people that think that they aren't are usually the first failures in this area.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree, and supposedly these are all things he's working on in therapy. He has told her it's over on numerous occasions, but it's usually been in an angry conversation and not consistent. He is supposed to have the kids over tomorrow night and this weekend. So I will know in short order if he's capable of following thorugh on what he tells me there. I keep trying to tell him that although her immediate reaction may be bad, it's much kinder to tell her the truth (if it is the truth) than string her along. But he's in such fear (and he says, paralyzed by guilt), he can't bring himself to do that consistently and calmly yet.

 

He needs to ask her to meet him at a restaurant or coffee place so they can talk. Or, invite her to a therapy session where he can tell her and possibly leave her with the therapist for clarity and comfort should things get too heated.

 

Its not going to be easy. He needs to be prepared for that. And you need to be prepared for not hearing anymore about things he is working out until they are done. He's not doing you or her any favors by telling you their business like this. Its probably what's hindering things more than anything and adding to his feelings of paralysis because he's too afraid he'll either hurt you or her. And the "you" part can be avoided by just leaving you out of it and having limited contact until things cool down.

[fooled once]

I don't like horses <shrug>

 

I just KNOW ME. I know what I will do and what I won't do.

 

I WAS an OW - but I wasn't married at the time. I didn't even know the MM I was with when I was married. I was DIVORCED.

 

I was lead to believe his marriage was over. He even moved out and into an apartment for a year. THEN he moved back in with his wife.

 

That is when I was done.

 

I found out later that he was never reallly "done" with this wife. To the best of my knowledge, he is still with her but I don't really know or care as I have been happily married for 11 years.

 

So I know how much it hurts to be lied to and deceived.

 

And I know I would never allow myself to be in that position again. I value ME too much.

 

Once I knew he was back home and all (although she swears he slept on the couch too LOL - must be the standard BS line from a MM) - I ended it.

 

It TORE me up to do it; because I thought I loved him.

 

But I loved ME too much. I loved my son from my first marriage too much to allow him to be dragged along in all this.

 

Heck, his wife even called me after the A ended and gave me a hard time (which I partially deserved) and when I was on the phone with her, I was also watching my son play and I knew I would never want him to disrespect ME for what I had allowed to happen.

 

So -- get pissed at me all you want; YOU are in the WRONG. Yes, you are. YOU chose to consciously sleep with this man, you continue to do so, and you continue to have these fantasies of this wonderful life with this liar and cheat.

 

Just remember, your kids don't deserve any of this and they deserve better than this LOSER as a stepdad.

[Chocolat]

Come to their senses? That's quite a generalization. Sometimes, the MM goes back to the wife because he loves her. For that guy, that's the right thing, but for someone who is just scared of loss and is being a weasel, not so much. Believe it or not, lots of people get married for the wrong reasons and I don't consider it "sensible" to continue in a lousy marriage just because society, the church, whoever says so. I think it sets a crappy example for the kids about how to treat their future partners as well as what to expect from a spouse.

 

Meh. I think people mis-judge what a healthy marriage is. There are highs and lows and it is not unusual to hit a long low period, especially when kids are young and focus comes off the couple and onto the family. This is part of what makes an affair so seductive, imo -- all that intense one-on-one focus that is missing at home. I don't advocate staying together when there are true reasons for splitting up, but I also don't advocate splitting up because of the absence of the feelings of intense passsion so easily felt in the first years of marriage. Sometimes, it is necessary to hang in there -- perhaps with the help of counseling -- so that the early passion can be rediscovered, or realised in other ways. Expecting a marriage in its 10th year to look like one in its first is like expecting that joy you when your newborn was laid on your chest in the hospital when your 14 year old is slamming the door to her bedroom and shrieking that she hates you.

 

And before anyone jumps, I also think there are marriages that should end. No question there. But I do not believe that there is any correlation between the "badness" of the marriage and cheating. The factors that lead people to cheat rather than solve their problems within the marriage or exit from it cleanly are not a function of the state of the marriage but of the morality of the partner who decides to cheat.

[MistyK]

Chocolat,

I dont' disagree with you. It's just that I get the impression from a lot of the posts that people seem to think one should stay in their marriage no matter what. In my case, I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, and if MM is to be believed he shouldn't have either, due to a lot of prior existing problems in both our relationships. At any rate, it's just that I reject the idea that people should choose misery and choose it for their "kids sake", only to have them repeat the same mistake as adults. Going back to the wife ISN't always better. For some people it may well be, but not every single last one.

[Chocolat]

Chocolat,

I dont' disagree with you. It's just that I get the impression from a lot of the posts that people seem to think one should stay in their marriage no matter what. In my case, I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, and if MM is to be believed he shouldn't have either, due to a lot of prior existing problems in both our relationships. At any rate, it's just that I reject the idea that people should choose misery and choose it for their "kids sake", only to have them repeat the same mistake as adults. Going back to the wife ISN't always better. For some people it may well be, but not every single last one.

 

Agreed. But the choice of an affair is worse than staying together for the kids. As your situation so amply demonstrates, the ripple effect of your MM's indecision/cowardice/whatever is extending far and wide. The fact that he still sends out mixed signals (to her and to you) is damaging to all involved.

 

Why not take a break and let your MM figure out his plans and act on them? Once he has done so, you can resume your r/s. This will be better for all onvolved. He will have time to think through his decision, you will know he is with you because he wants to be, and his W will see that the marriage is over for reasons within it, not because he has someone on the side. This would be much cleaner all around.

[fooled once]

I actually don't see a single post on here that advocates staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids. I think that is you saying "Hey, just because he has kids doesn't mean he should stay married".

 

I divorced when my son was 6. I divorced due to abuse.

 

I totally agree with the poster who stated that marriages ebb and flow - high points and low points. NO relationship is without its struggles. It is easy to look back and say "oh, I shouldn't have gotten married" but in reality, it is what happened and you can't undue that (meaning, you can't make yourself single and never married again).

 

But the choice of an affair is worse than staying together for the kids. As your situation so amply demonstrates, the ripple effect of your MM's indecision/cowardice/whatever is extending far and wide. The fact that he still sends out mixed signals (to her and to you) is damaging to all involved.

 

I wholeheartedly agree.

 

Divorce is hard enough on many kids (not ALL, but many) - throw in that daddy/mommy was cheating and that person they cheated with is now the new step parent --- is it any wonder some kids come away bitter, angry and miserable?

 

No couple should stay together for the sake of the kids. But the adults, the parents, should TRY to work out their differences (outside of physical abuse) - whether it is counseling, couples retreats, ets. The first impluse shouldn't be to go screw someone else.

[herenow]

If it were possible for me to have a conversation with the BW, I would tell her to leave you alone. The effort she is putting into to you is a waste of her time. IMO she should be spending her time making sure she and her kids can be happy with or without her H. But, she has made a choice to act in a certain way. It really doesn't matter if you like how she is acting or I like it, we don't get a say. Just like she didn't get a say when you were having an affair with her H. Again, if the police feel she has crossed the line, then she will have to deal with that. Her choice!

 

I agree with you that the affair wasn't about the BW, but I have to say that it wasn't about you either. It was about the MM.

 

Also, no one has called you any names. You are the only one using derogatory names against yourself. That IMO is (as I said before) a very childish way of dealing with reality. We are giving you our opinion. You can choose to take it or leave it, but please don't put words in our mouths. If you feel that the names you are using to describe yourself fit who you are, then by all means that is your opinion.

[MistyK]

Agreed. But the choice of an affair is worse than staying together for the kids. As your situation so amply demonstrates, the ripple effect of your MM's indecision/cowardice/whatever is extending far and wide. The fact that he still sends out mixed signals (to her and to you) is damaging to all involved.

 

Absolutely. That's why I chose to get out in my own marriage before the whole thing went kaflooey.

 

Why not take a break and let your MM figure out his plans and act on them? Once he has done so, you can resume your r/s. This will be better for all onvolved. He will have time to think through his decision, you will know he is with you because he wants to be, and his W will see that the marriage is over for reasons within it, not because he has someone on the side. This would be much cleaner all around

 

I agree with you. The trouble is, I've tried to implement this before and couldn't stick with it. Now, unlike the last times, he's saying he won't come back to me if I leave him now. We're in this vicious cycle of fear - fear for me that he won't follow through, and for him - fear that I'll leave him. The W keeps harping on this idea that I will leave him in the dust if he finalizes things with her, and it eats at him. He always considered her "safe" - probably not unrelated to the fact that she is SOOOO dependent. I have my issues, but I am not dependent the way she is. (I should mention that there's about 15 years between us, so it's easy for her to take potshots that I'll leave him for someone younger, etc.)

 

In order to get off this awful wheel, I told him that he needs to get his stuff out from over there and be consistent with telling her it's over as a start. He said he needs me to trust him more and have more faith in his intentions. Obviously there's trust issues between us, so it's hard for me to trust him and "have faith" until I see more in actions. Its all been SOOOOO slow. I don't want to lose the R altogether, so I feel unable to break off until he resolves it.

[MistyK]

If it were possible for me to have a conversation with the BW, I would tell her to leave you alone. The effort she is putting into to you is a waste of her time. IMO she should be spending her time making sure she and her kids can be happy with or without her H. But, she has made a choice to act in a certain way. It really doesn't matter if you like how she is acting or I like it, we don't get a say. Just like she didn't get a say when you were having an affair with her H. Again, if the police feel she has crossed the line, then she will have to deal with that. Her choice!

 

I agree with you that the affair wasn't about the BW, but I have to say that it wasn't about you either. It was about the MM.

 

Also, no one has called you any names. You are the only one using derogatory names against yourself. That IMO is (as I said before) a very childish way of dealing with reality. We are giving you our opinion. You can choose to take it or leave it, but please don't put words in our mouths. If you feel that the names you are using to describe yourself fit who you are, then by all means that is your opinion.

 

If you can't see the deragtory nature of the things you typed before, then I don't know what to say. AT any rate, while no one has said in the exact terms: he should stay married because he got married in the 1st place, or simply because he has kids, that does seem to be the "theme" of several of the posts. If you really insist, I'll pull the excerpts for you, but i think it's pretty obvious.

[MistyK]

No couple should stay together for the sake of the kids. But the adults, the parents, should TRY to work out their differences (outside of physical abuse) - whether it is counseling, couples retreats, ets. The first impluse shouldn't be to go screw someone else.

 

I agree. I went to years of counseling with my xH to no avail. I went to indidvidual counseling as well. MM did go to MC with BW, though arguably he didn't put in much effort. Still, I really don't think it was his 1st impulse to screw around. It was more the predictable result of two friends who cried on each other's shoulders about their marriages who then crossed the line together.

[herenow]

If you can't see the derogatory nature of the things you typed before, then I don't know what to say. AT any rate, while no one has said in the exact terms: he should stay married because he got married in the 1st place, or simply because he has kids, that does seem to be the "theme" of several of the posts. If you really insist, I'll pull the excerpts for you, but i think it's pretty obvious.

 

I just read all my posts to you and I do not feel I was derogatory in the least.

 

I have never said that anyone should remain married for the kids. I feel that type of action places a huge burden on the kids. How guilty would a child feel if they knew their parents were staying in an unhappy marriage for their sake? It's selfish and, IMO, just an excuse that MM use so they don't have to tell OW the real reasons they won't leave their wives. I also think MM use it because they feel it makes them look like a "good guy". Really, what OW is going to argue with such a great father that will stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids?

 

So, many OW believe that the MM just can't leave because of the kids, or because the BW will use the kids against him, or because of money, or whatever the MM says. IMO, if a MM really loves an OW, he will leave. We have seen it here on LS. The type of MM who has an affair in the first place, IMO, is going to do what he wants anyway. If he were such a great guy, he would leave the marriage before moving on to his next relationship.

[KikiW]

I agree with you. The trouble is, I've tried to implement this before and couldn't stick with it. Now, unlike the last times, he's saying he won't come back to me if I leave him now. We're in this vicious cycle of fear - fear for me that he won't follow through, and for him - fear that I'll leave him. The W keeps harping on this idea that I will leave him in the dust if he finalizes things with her, and it eats at him. He always considered her "safe" - probably not unrelated to the fact that she is SOOOO dependent. I have my issues, but I am not dependent the way she is. (I should mention that there's about 15 years between us, so it's easy for her to take potshots that I'll leave him for someone younger, etc.)

 

In order to get off this awful wheel, I told him that he needs to get his stuff out from over there and be consistent with telling her it's over as a start. He said he needs me to trust him more and have more faith in his intentions. Obviously there's trust issues between us, so it's hard for me to trust him and "have faith" until I see more in actions. Its all been SOOOOO slow. I don't want to lose the R altogether, so I feel unable to break off until he resolves it.

 

Ok, how about this... Tell him you are not "leaving him" but you do need your distance from him due to his W's actions. Until things are settled down (i.e. he has made a clean break, told his kids, moved all his stuff out of the house, papers are signed, and she has stopped stalking you), you simply need to steer clear.

 

Basically, until he stops waffling, you stay away and your family stays safe. You ALSO get the time you need to decide whether you feel he is being truthful enough to warrant a future relationship. Quite frankly, his track record just sucks and I personally have a ton of trust issues - if someone had been as dishonest as he has, I would have kicked him to the curb long ago. I need someone I can depend on, not someone who will lie or fudge the truth to make me THINK they were dependable. It always comes to light and I despise looking the fool.

[NoIDidn't]

In order to get off this awful wheel, I told him that he needs to get his stuff out from over there and be consistent with telling her it's over as a start. He said he needs me to trust him more and have more faith in his intentions. Obviously there's trust issues between us, so it's hard for me to trust him and "have faith" until I see more in actions. Its all been SOOOOO slow. I don't want to lose the R altogether, so I feel unable to break off until he resolves it.

 

In my bestest girlfriend voice ever:

"Honey, the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

 

You needn't trust in his intentions. He needs to put up or shut up.

 

And you need to stop making excuses for getting involved in a dysfunctional relationship. You shouldn't be having these fears if its really love. Fear he won't come back if you leave? Sounds like a nice comfy setup for HIM. Fear you will leave him too? Sounds like an even nicer setup for him to keep you stuck with him even when you start to see that he is NOT someone you want to be with forever.

 

I say, let his W have him. Period. He's not relationship material.

[MistyK]

If it were possible for me to have a conversation with the BW, I would tell her to leave you alone. The effort she is putting into to you is a waste of her time. IMO she should be spending her time making sure she and her kids can be happy with or without her H. But, she has made a choice to act in a certain way. It really doesn't matter if you like how she is acting or I like it, we don't get a say. Just like she didn't get a say when you were having an affair with her H. Again, if the police feel she has crossed the line, then she will have to deal with that. Her choice!

 

I agree with you that the affair wasn't about the BW, but I have to say that it wasn't about you either. It was about the MM.

 

Also, no one has called you any names. You are the only one using derogatory names against yourself. That IMO is (as I said before) a very childish way of dealing with reality. We are giving you our opinion. You can choose to take it or leave it, but please don't put words in our mouths. If you feel that the names you are using to describe yourself fit who you are, then by all means that is your opinion.

 

Fair enough. My issue has been with the number of posts which basically say I'm a sucky mother because I had an affair with MM. Sheer volume overwhelmed me and with the obvious passionate defense of the BW, who I feel has some serious psychiatric problems, by the posters here, I got defensive.

 

Things like this tend to make people defensive and just aren't helpful:

 

Forum fool:

that is retarded crack ho type behavior

 

Donnamaybe:

Your kids are another story. Now if you cared about them one iota, you would stop f'ing around with married men.

 

Anyway, I'm going to pause a bit here and breathe so I can really hear all of you without feeling like I have to be on guard....

[MistyK]

And, what does IMO, and JMO mean?

[bentnotbroken]

OWL, I'm with you. Warning is a good thing. But in this case, there was some warning - he'd told her he was thinking of leaving her way before the affair. Not that that prepares you for an affair, nor justifies it happening, but she knew there were significant problems and refused to work together with him on them while they were in counseling well before D-Day

This according to the lying cheating immoral walking pansy.

 

But how does stopping the affair solve anything when he's seperated and divorcing? Why should it matter now? If

 

If,IF IF ... If . The divorce isn't final and as far as you are concerned the separation isn't even a real separation with his things still there and spending the night occasionally.

 

 

they go through with finalizing the divorce, he will end up with someone someday that she's going to have to deal with, so what good does it do at this point to pretend he's emotionally available or willing to get back together? If anything, I'm afraid that'd send yet another mixed message - telling her he's stopped contact with me, but then saying he doesn't want to come back to her.

 

 

Sure you're afraid, but not for her. You are afraid for yourself. You have have put your reputation on the line with neighbors, his family, your family for what? The possibility that everything you have stated will happen to her is what he is going to do to you. He decides to move on from the drama he has created with you and his wife and find someone new. Leave you looking silly and for what? The mixed messages he is sending aren't only being sent to her. They are being sent to you as well, but you are too busy coming up with reasons and excuses to see them clearly.

[bentnotbroken]

Two different behaviors. Both a reflection of themselves in different ways. In the BS side, she has no grace nor self-respect.

 

 

Sounds like traits shared by both women, since they both want a punk with no backbone.