Extra Truth Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I posted here 3 years ago after first being dumped by my ex and I was devastated. It was so bad, I had to leave and live out of the country to reorient myself. I was left with many questions. After much processing I decided, although I was never completely sure that she was a lying, destructive hypocrite in all aspects of life, but I did love her. Immediately after splitting she tried to date my professional acquaintances, and when that didn't work out she tried to ingratiate herself with my friends until they told her to go away. Then it turned out she had met a guy while we were together who she is still with and who she has tried to flaunt. Probably the most damaging thing has been that my friends counseled me when we split for me not to confront her with my rage and anger to let it go and I have tried. I have always felt I should have gotten everything off my chest and that I have wasted years and damaged myself by not having confronted her. The argument is always to not demean myself by contacting her--it seems to me a pride issue, and most of this advice is coming from fairly macho friends. So our unspoken arrangement was to not go into each other's neighborhoods. I have avoided hers for 3 years. On a couple of occassions I have met a mutual acquaintance who will communicate some tidbit intended to irritate me; for example, for years I tried to have her stop smoking for health. She had said she wanted to improve her fertility prospects. Then she said she was infertile. Upon splitting she immediately said she was going on birth control, and one of her messages I presume intended for my ears is that she is trying to become pregnant. She has communicated that she and her guy participate in threesomes by inviting other women with them--something we had talked about but about which I was anxious because of the potential damage to our relationship she shared the concern too. Soon after she split, she was at it and let it be known to me to tick me off--she was bisexual by the way. So yesterday, a good friend of mine had a public presentation to which my ex would known I would go, and to which she should have known to stay away, and after 3 years of no contact, she is there. I was with a date, thank goodness I suppose. I tried not to be flustered. She sat behind me during the recital, then had the audacity to go to the artist's after party where she again sat with the new guy across the restaurant where she could observe me. I showed that I wasn't paying attention. My friends couldn't ask her to go since she had been a paying customer (I suppose, though I was a bit upset they didn't ask her to leave, since it was at their house I cried the Christmas Eve after splitting). She never approached me, and I passed a few feet from her on the way to the restroom, by accident, and our eyes never locked. She eventually left and stayed on. I asked me friends what she had said. They said forget about her. Fine. So now, my question is how inappropriate was it for her to go where it was highly likely to be--it seems antagonistic; and then, how cold is it after 4 years together to not bother to even glance or say a hello, but attempt to resucitate relationships with my friends who have already told her they chose me over her? In a city of 13 million people, I hoped to never see her again, but now I have, and I am wondering whether this is the opportunity to bury the hatchet and get off my chest all that I've learned about her since, if for no other reason than to make myself feel better. My friends say no, anything written can be used against me, that I'll lose my dignity, that I'll play into her petty hands. Yet, I feel that she played me for a fool when we split, and got away with it, laughing her ass off and starting a new relationship within days of splitting from me. What do you all think? I seem to think that turning the other cheek is not always the most healthy thing. I'll be interested in hearing your views, and thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Damn where y'all guys live at, in a fish bowl??? lmao. Let it go playa'. it aint worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 My ex did the same thing, frequented the only bar she knew I would be at more times than not. And on top of that, she also ignored me and made a point to flirt with any guy that came in the door (litterally standing by the door saying hi to any guy that walked in). My thoughts? Shes a tool, and good for her if she wants to waste her time that way. Just leave it dude, try not to worry about it too much. Ex's are ex's for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 extra, you got to man-up.so she screwed you over, you're gonna have to take the high road.you know she's pissing w/ you,she knows she's playing w/ you.it's one big game(to her),it's up to you to end the game.just ignore her,don't feed fuel to the fire or she's never gonna leave you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Extra Truth Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 ...for women, and putting it up in my face that she and the new guy are taking ladies home all the time. Sure, the guy got my sloppy seconds, but her appearances with this guy and trawling just pisses me off. Not sure there is any way I can tell her to stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Extra Truth Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 ...to call her at her office and tell her to stay away or next time I'll have her escorted away very publicly. Link to post Share on other sites
LovesHangover Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Extra Truth, From my experience, I think that it is better clean up the messes in our lives (get closure) than to leave things open and a mess. Withholding what is there for you to say because others say you should not is irresponsible and not taking care of yourself. Especially, if you want to talk to her and let it go once in for all. I don't think that you can truly let it go when you hold on to something that you want to communicate. Give up the reasons and speak your peace. I think that we complicate the simple by asking for advice on some matters. If you really feel that you have something to say...Follow your heart as long as your actions are not illegal, immoral, or just blatantly cruel. There is neither reason for you to avoid your ex and nor reason for her to skip an event because you will be there. Where is the freedom in that? You don't have to be rude and you can chose not to hate her even though she hurt you. My grandmother told me that you are only responsible for yourself and your actions. It doesn't matter how other people treat you, you just make sure you treat people right. This does not mean that you let people walk all over you. Speak up for yourself. Say whatever you need to say. Please give up all the negativity (avoiding, blaming, holding a grudge) up, though. Negativity saps your life. As for what she does in her new relationship...Stop listening to and talking about that. You are just driving yourself nuts with that information. So what? It amazes me how people just throw around that cliche exes are exes for a reason. I guess that being an ex means the person ceases to exist and you do not have to put forth any effort to acknowledge that person as a human being or honor yourself in anyway by getting closure. Even though you are not getting back together or becoming best friends, there is no reason to hate anyone. Forgive and let live! Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 how can you ave her escorted away from a public event? dude--you're letting her get to you,starting to sound like a 6th grader. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Extra Truth Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 ...these are public events held by my circle of friends--we are artists who hold poetry readings and other events; in any case, she has been told by these friends of mine that they do not want to deal with her, but she continues to try to 'infiltrate' this circle of friends anyway. My friends have already declared their 'allegiance', but this last time that she showed up, nothing was said and I tried to play cool, when I could have asked my friends to have her leave which they would have done as a favor to me. She is doing this to specifically flaunt her 3-somes in my face and in my own environment. It's rude to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Extra Truth Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Hey LovesHangover, I hear you. I received so much advice saying to be the better person, and ignore everything when my gut has said for 3 years that I should have said something at the outset for precisely the reason you cite: to close things up for myself. I thought maybe I was crazy since everyone else finds it so normal to just swallow whatever was dished out instead of saying 'wait a minute, before we go our separate ways, it's my turn to say what's on my mind'. Now that this ex has decided to essentially 'invade' my circle of friends, deliberately, and after being told by these friends of mine that they do not wish to associate with her in any way, I think the door is open to get everything off my chest and move on with my life. Thanks for listening and offering some agreement on what has been a very lonely viewpoint thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
headlesschicken Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 i can't believe you still think that after three years all her actions are about you. i'm willing to bet that she's moved on and thinks you have too....and doesn't do things to tick you off.....she probably does them because she wants to and has a right to her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Extra Truth Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 okay, so what possible reason would she have to attend an event where the majority of people in attendance are my friends of a decade and most of whom told her to stay away in very clear and brusque terms; and what other reason would she have to parade around cruising for a girl to take home with her new guy when that was part of the reason we split. coincidence. this is los angeles, a city of 13 million people, and she could have been anywhere else that night.. i know not everything is about me, but this is just a bit much don't you think... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 okay, so what possible reason would she have to attend an event where the majority of people in attendance are my friends of a decade and most of whom told her to stay away in very clear and brusque terms; and what other reason would she have to parade around cruising for a girl to take home with her new guy when that was part of the reason we split. coincidence. this is los angeles, a city of 13 million people, and she could have been anywhere else that night.. i know not everything is about me, but this is just a bit much don't you think... She's a selfish bitch! Link to post Share on other sites
LovesHangover Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Extra Truth, Being authentic about who you are as a human being is everyone's right. You feel that she is violating your space and have some things from the past that you want to clean up, so do it. I did not post to agree with you, but to encourage to be empowered. How you feel is how you feel, and you are not crazy. It is crazy, however, to repress communication and to make yourself wrong for your feelings: A lesson I learned a hard and painful way listening to well-meaning family and friends who just gave poor advice. Be assertive and gracious when you talk to her. This conversation can be pleasant and simple although it can feel difficult to start. You have it all in you already and you know what you need to say. Get it cleaned up, and keep it moving. Wish her the best! Best of luck to you!!! LovesHangover Link to post Share on other sites
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