My ex dumped me...we got back togeather..she dumped me today, what is her game?

[gavinus]

Basically me and my ex went out for 3.6 years, she had anger problems, she dumped me 5 months ago, we started talking 7 weeks ago and have been seeing each other 3 days a week, staying the night etc. I love her but she does not love me. Last night she told me if she had the ideal position for her it would be to come and go from me as she pleases. She also told me she stayed with me and has been seeing me because she is scared of being alone and I accept her as she is and if I was not there she would not miss me but miss not being alone. She said she cares for me and could have settled for me, but I told her settling was the wrong thing to do. She then said she wants to see me as a friend 2 hours a week. We talked today and she said it was good to talk to me and she wants to call me saturday, to find out how some health tests have gone for me. She has hurt me so much!!!! why is she now being nice? do I respond on saturday or go NC to get the point across that she has hurt me and I need to heal from her??

[LucreziaBorgia]

Re-read your post. Her game is clear: you are the back up plan while she goes out and finds someone she really wants to be with. You are filler basically and when she finds a 'real' boyfriend, you will be history.

 

What to do? You will have to cut her off entirely. That is the only way to stop her from using you in this way.

 

You will not be losing out on a chance to get back together. It is adequately clear that she doesn't want that anyway.

[Mike B.]

Wow. If youn think you have been hurt by this woman now, stick around to seewhat damage she really can be capable of. She is basically spelling it out for you:

 

S-t-a-y-w-i-th-m-e-a-t-y-o-u-r-o-w-n-r-i-s-k

 

 

get out now and don't look back. You are in for a world of hurt simply because you love her, she doesn't love you and is using you. Time to walk away.

[NopeNah]

Not to make lite of your situation...but, is Saturday "your day"?!?! RUN!! as fast and far as you can!! Chick is BAD news!!!

[NopeNah]

and..you say "she's being nice"?? thats some heartless **** she's saying!!@! GO! GO NOW!

[ON MY OWN]

This is a terrible thing to do to another human being. I myself couldnt be paid to do something like that to someone I didnt like let alone someone I claimed to love. How sick is this? You dont deserve this. I was played like this from someone who actually was engaged, bought me a wedding ring, only to break it off with me completely, saying he needed a "break" from me. I left trying to be respectful.

 

I left April 14, and now 2 months later he is engaged to someone for a month already that he met right as I was leaving. Seriously, this man is what I have come to know as a relationship hopper with no respect for me anymore because I am not romantically linked to him. I am no longer his "toy", he quit me and our relationship where I lived with him and his children and the 7 year old called me mommy, only to have to work her way through his string of girlfriends because he is too selffish as to not bring only a select one or two around. She used to say how she wanted to be a flower girl for mommy and daddys wedding and couldnt wait to see me in my dress. Hoiw heartbreaking is this?? He could care less. Now the 7 year old has to adjust to a new woman that he is engaged to already that is 11 years younger then him who wouldnt even hug her at first. The only control is that some of the family is telling him he is not to move another woman in again. He was married, had a string of women he brought around and then engaged to me, 2 months later engaged to someone he just met and some of the family is enraged, the part thats not cold hearted as himself anyway.

 

Ppl can be so cold and its a true shame. Look out for yourself, dont submit yourself to these mind games, and go out and find someone that will treat you with the respect you deserve. I have learned from my experience no matter how nice you are to these types of ppl, they will drag you through the ringer and not have a care in the world about it. Ppl are disposable to them.

 

I personally treat you with more respect not even knowing you. I am sure your a great person who deserves the level of respect and kindness that would put you to bed at night with some very sweet dreams. If you need a counselor, this may help you as it did me. I only saw one 2x and she has helped me to regroup and think about things in a different light. Please dont continue to torture yourself the way I did. The choice is always yours in the end but I know how my heart felt and personally wouldnt wish that on anyone.

 

Be true to yourself and remember your a fantastic person with alot to offer and deserve the very best life has to offer you. Out there somewhere there is this person that deserves what you have to offer why waste it on someone who is into mind games that has only their interests in mind and leaves you feeling "beat up".

 

Keep a smile and be fair to yourself!!:bunny:

[gavinus]

thanks for your reply's! I have a therapy session today and I hope it will help me out, I will keep you guys informed, thanks for your support, I will try to do the right thing for me and be strong

[wow123]

You need to tell her that you can no longer speak to her being that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Tell her maybe sometime down the road you can reconnect as friends. But that is entirely up to you.

[asuman]

If she is too stupid to see that you are a person worth giving all her love to (not just 2 hours a week), then she doesn't deserve you. She's very clearly using you for her own selfish purposes. Break up with her, take a vacation from relationships for a little while, and enjoy your life.

[gavinus]

I just came back from a therapy session and I texted my ex this message "You know how I feel about you if you want a future with me get back to me if not goodbye as I have too much self respect and self love to be disrespected and hurt again". So far I have heard nothing, I need to be strong so any support to stop me contacting her and to stick to my guns would be great, thankyou all, it broke my heart to send this but I need to put my sanity first

[NopeNah]

I just came back from a therapy session and I texted my ex this message "You know how I feel about you if you want a future with me get back to me if not goodbye as I have too much self respect and self love to be disrespected and hurt again". So far I have heard nothing, I need to be strong so any support to stop me contacting her and to stick to my guns would be great, thankyou all, it broke my heart to send this but I need to put my sanity first

By sending that you've now told her how you feel about it. Go NC from here on out. It's very hard to do but, don't respond to her reply text, if you do get one. If she wants you back, she will find you thru actions not words! Take care!

[Mike B.]

I just came back from a therapy session and I texted my ex this message "You know how I feel about you if you want a future with me get back to me if not goodbye as I have too much self respect and self love to be disrespected and hurt again". So far I have heard nothing, I need to be strong so any support to stop me contacting her and to stick to my guns would be great, thankyou all, it broke my heart to send this but I need to put my sanity first

 

 

The best words in these sort of situations are the ones that are not spoken. Your words mean nothing without actions to back them up and means much less than action alone. Your self-respect only needs to be shown by discontinuing contact and moving on. By announcing your self-respect and self love, it appears as if you are trying to convince yourself of this more than anything and this can be smelled miles away. Women are outstanding in smelling such things and never forget this.

 

If you read your original posts, you basically will see your answer to your text. She has stated to you very plainly how she views your relationship with her and there does not appear to be much room to read between the lines.

 

Let go.

 

 

When you show someone that she can have you whenever she wants, she will do just that and continue to use you whenever she see fit to benefit her needs. If this is okay with you, by all means, carry on but if you would like to avoid future pain, avoid future contact.

 

No more text. No more emails. No more phone calls. Go silent and that will say so much more than any thing that can be typed, written or spoken.

[gavinus]

I will stay silent,. Thankyou all for your posts, in the coming days, weeks and months when I am feeling weak I will read what has been written and stay strong, for the hope of a better tomorrow.

[CaliGuy]

You need to read no more mr nice guy.... (Glover).

 

$10 on Amazon.com.

 

You'll learn her game and find out why you won't walk away from her even though you SHOULD.

[gavinus]

I will walk away my only other option is to sit in the wings, watching while my ex dates other guys, and leads me on, that is too hurtful to do, I will read the book through cheers

[Chrome Barracuda]

Power, Control, drama.

 

What else do emotionally draining women want?

 

You know the answer, if she dumped you twice I suggesgt you leave this little nutcake. She's mentally unhinged.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I think you have been involved with someone who suffers with commitment phobia. I too have recently been through a terrible break up. We were together since age 15 (now 33), 18 years, 10 living together, 8 years engaged. We had booked a church to marry this December, he left suddenly, after 5 weeks of messing me about, reassuring me he was not going to leave. No warning, no explanations and no chance to resolve anything with him. After he left he came out with all kinds of stuff, none of which I had ever heard before. He said he had lied to me, had not been happy for years (although the time frame kept changing, first it was 3 years, then 7 years, then 18 years, then six months)! His reasons were contradictorary as well.

 

The commitment phobe has usually had a traumatic childhood, with parents who argued or seperated ,for example. This has given them a warped view of commitment and relationships. Your ex's behaviour seems typical of the high level CP (mine more low level, with marriage as the trigger point). The going back and forth to you and the saying she wants you when she wants you, is typical of CP. For more info, do a search on this site and you will find a thread from a few years ago that will tell you all you need to know.

 

There is also a book called He's Scared She's Scared by Stephen Carter that is supposed to be helpful (I have mine on order).

 

The best advice I can give you is to stay away! NC. I have done everything wrong, constantly texting, e-mailing, calling and all it has done is caused me more pain. You cannot fix someone with CP, they often don't know they have a problem. If and when she figures it out, she will have to seek therapy herself, only she can fix her, no one else.

 

I really feel for you, I wish I could get my ex to see that he has a problem, but I can't. Being with him for 18 years, I feel as though I have lost a limb! A family member. It's awful. So when I say NC, I don't say it lightly, I know how hard it is for you. Stay away and maybe see a therapist who will help you come to terms with how to move on. Here in th UK we have the wonderful NHS, which means I have another month before my first appointment to see a counsellor! I need their help now! take care.

[gavinus]

An update to the story, yesterday she sent me a text that basically said she was sorry for hurting me, but her decision was made she cared for me but not as a partner. We then spoke on the phone and she cried and said sorry for hurting me etc. I told her I forgive her and because I love her I would let her go and not contact her as these were my own needs overriding what she wants, and if she needed anything to get in touch, she then said she loved me for that and I had changed her life through knowing me. I realize I have helped her to get over me (even though she dumped me) and she can carry on now guilt free, but whether I was horrible or nice that fact remains she does not want me, now I am alone and I will never see her again, my heart is broken, why is the right thing to do the one you do alone? I must be strong and stay NC.

[BCCA]

An update to the story, yesterday she sent me a text that basically said she was sorry for hurting me, but her decision was made she cared for me but not as a partner. We then spoke on the phone and she cried and said sorry for hurting me etc. I told her I forgive her and because I love her I would let her go and not contact her as these were my own needs overriding what she wants, and if she needed anything to get in touch, she then said she loved me for that and I had changed her life through knowing me. I realize I have helped her to get over me (even though she dumped me) and she can carry on now guilt free, but whether I was horrible or nice that fact remains she does not want me, now I am alone and I will never see her again, my heart is broken, why is the right thing to do the one you do alone? I must be strong and stay NC.

 

A wise man once said:

 

"When you chose to take the high road, expect to walk alone."

[gavinus]

the high road?? (forgive my ignorance)

[BCCA]

Taking the high road = being the bigger person.

[gavinus]

thankyou for that, it is hard she said she still wants to keep in contact with me as long as I don't hold onto the hope of getting her back and she admitted she was still attracted to me and part of her does not want to let me go even though she has no desire to be with me as a partner again, what on earth is she trying to say? it breaks my heart

[BCCA]

thankyou for that, it is hard she said she still wants to keep in contact with me as long as I don't hold onto the hope of getting her back and she admitted she was still attracted to me and part of her does not want to let me go even though she has no desire to be with me as a partner again, what on earth is she trying to say? it breaks my heart

 

Here is exactly what shes trying to say:

 

"I want to be really selfish, and not give you what you want/need, but still ask for whats good for me. Anyone else would tell me to pound sand, but because you love me, I can probably word this right so that youll stick around hoping for more than a friendship even though youll never get it"

 

What she said is terribly selfish. Anyone who would keep someone in their life even though it breaks the other persons heart is immature and self centered.

 

You gotta cut her off for good bro. Stop reassuring her youll be there, and all that other stuff. Truth be told, once it finally sets in that shes not ever going to want to get back together, and she starts seeing other people, youre NOT going to want anything to do with her. Shes just hoping to keep you on the hook long enough to find someone else, so in case she has a bad date or a rough spell, she can come to you for attention, all the while, leaving your needs 100% un-met.

[gavinus]

Thanks BCCA, I know, but I wanted to do the right thing and tell her she was an ok person even though she hurt me and broke my heart becuase I realize that being horrible and hurtful will not get her back and I want to be able to look back and say in the end I let her go with love. NC for me from this point onwards,even though it is hard

[NopeNah]

tell her she was an ok person even though she hurt me and broke my heart becuase I realize that being horrible and hurtful will not get her back and I want to be able to look back and say in the end I let her go with love.

Uhhh...WHY? She hurt you! You don't have to be horrible or anything at all. Silence speaks volumes! And you can Know that you did "let her go with love"..even though in reality, she gave you no choice in the matter..take care