* * * Why does an ex say they miss you?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

why do they (ex's) say 'i miss you' ? i broke up with my ex 4 months ago and in that time he has sent me just around 4 short text msgs on average once a month that say 'i miss you' or emails that say the same. surely if someone actually missed you to the point where it drove them to distraction they would call at your door, actually lift the phone and call you or do more than just words on a screen in a short text or email?

 

i just don't get why they do this- say i miss you. i even read on here about people who's exs are with other people in new relationships but still contact them and say 'i miss you' -why?

 

i was with my ex 6 years, first loves so i don't doubt he must actually miss me, and i miss him so much that it hurts. but he ended it with me and i've been NC now for approx 114 days so i can't be the one to contact him. i mean if he misses me like he says he does where the hell is he? why isn't he beating my door down or having the balls to call me?

 

the last i heard from him was 1 month ago where he told me he missed me and said he hoped i was well- i didn't reply. if he missed me 1 month ago does that mean he still misses me now? if so why haven't i heard from him? is he over me this soon?

 

i read on here how they drop bait to see if we (the dumpees) will bite or to test the waters. and i guess i'm posing many questions in this thread, i just don't get why they do this, what does he hope to gain from telling me he misses me. it's actually a sentence that says very little, he isn't saying 'i'm sorry i want you back' or 'can i see you we need to talk' it's an empty statement and i need more.

 

why do they do this? what do they hope to gain? did my ex even expect a reply or is he just trying to test the waters or make me think about him?

 

if someone really wants you back they will do more, right? i'm told man is a hunter so if he wanted me, he'd be at my door i guess.

 

but why tell someone you miss them if you don't want them back?

was i right to ignore him even though i love him and miss him?

 

thoughts...?

[Exit]

Beggars can't be choosers. It sounds like you kind of wish he would come back. Maybe your idea of romantic is for him to come kick your door down and sweep you off your feet, but you have put him in a situation where he's too scared to be that forward about it. Tiny little text messages are all he is going to give you.

 

The "test the waters" thing refers to the DUMPER (aka you). The person who got dumped is in no position to test the waters. I don't think he's doing it for that reason.

 

You dumped him, and once a month he has tried telling you he misses you. I think that might be the most you can hope for. Honestly if any part of you wants this guy back I think you need to move quickly. Over 3 months of no contact was enough to make it clear that you aren't messing around anymore. Nobody says you have to do it for the rest of your life. It's up to you and if you think you can handle talking to him again.

 

Obviously those little messages made you feel good because now that you haven't gotten one for a while you're wondering if he still misses you. He probably does, but who wants to keep chasing someone who has ignored them for 114 days? Would you?

 

But to answer your general question....

 

-- In the case of the DUMPER. Telling someone you miss them usually IS "Testing the waters", trying to boost your ego by seeing if your ex still misses you, seeing if they have moved on, etc.

--In the case of the DUMPEE, I'd say a good portion of the time it's because THEY FREAKIN MISS YOU! But I suppose they could also just be checking how you might respond to them.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

oh no wait, he actually dumped me!! so i went NC. i worded my opening line in that thread wrong. sorry! i meant to write that 'we' broke up 4 months ago. he became distant, began ignoring me, his actions telling me he didn't want me around, i went NC. (the first few threads i ever posted on this forum go into the long, boring details of exactly what happened)

 

i feel he was seeing someone else, or at least wanted me out of the way so that he could get with someone else. i have no proof of that though. i know his best friend broke up with his g/f around that time and i think my ex wanted me out of the way so they could party together/live the single life/screw around, as we'd been together a long time- 6 years since we were 17, so i feel he wanted to see what else was out there and if the grass was greener. i don't know this for sure as he never gave me a reason so i can only torture myself with the reasons

 

it's weird because no one officially ended it, but his actions told me he wanted rid of me so i went NC. and he had broke up with me before around a year and a half ago so he could meet other women off the internet, he begged me for another chance and after afew months i took him back. then around a year later this happens. looks like he isn't prepared to beg for me back this time. hope that puts a different perspective on it!

[Exit]

Ok yeah I definitely misunderstood what you wrote.

 

In that case, I'm not sure. Honestly if my ex told me she missed me once a month I'd be all over that opportunity, even though I know I'd probably get hurt again.

 

If you have been strong enough to hold on this long then maybe you should keep going. Now that I know that he is the DUMPER there is that doubt that maybe he just wants to know if you've moved on.

 

I envy you. I have messed up my NC multiple times. You must be a strong person.

 

Well this is just what I would do in your situation. He was texting you every month saying he missed you, but suddenly he stopped. Maybe he gave up, maybe he really was just trying to mess with you, who knows. I would wait to see if he ever tries again. If NC finally defeated him and he's gone for good, then end of story. BUT if he ever texts you again... I would have a hard time not wondering if he really is genuine. I personally would have a hard time not seeing what they have to say, IF I wanted to be with this person again. "Testing the waters" and playing games like that usually happens the first couple months. If he texts you again after 100 something days, I would think maybe he really is sorry. But again that's just how I feel, maybe there are people out there sick/bored enough to want to play games after 3 months.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks.

 

i really feel i want to talk to him though because i need closure and i would like to see what he has to say for himself. the way it ended i was left in limbo not knowing what was going on for a number of weeks.

 

i'm not really strong at all, i dunno how i've reached over 100 days, but sometimes i feel that the NC for this long hasn't really helped because deep down i want to talk to him and i'm worried now that i've ignored him for so long that he has just given up. but then on the other hand i feel he didn't really try that hard just sending these little text messages once a month or so.

 

i'm sitting here now wanting to contact him but knowing that i CAN'T -plus my family and friends would be really angry, they have all advised to stick with NC and that if he really wants me he will call me. and i know its too late to answer his email 1 month later. the thing is he could be with someone else by now.

 

part of me feels he is scared to contact me so he sends these little messages. but he has heard nothing from me for over 3 months so i feel he may give up now. he says he misses me but he doesn't mention wanting me back. his msgs are sketchy. he's doing the bare minimum. he sent me an email with an attached jpeg photo of me saying 'i miss you' which made me think he must be genuine. but maybe it's too late now.

 

i think if i get another message, i will answer it but i guess the point of this thread is asking how to know if it's genuine when they say 'i miss you' ? i read so many things on here that made me want to ignore it, such as

-it might be an ego feed

-he might just have had a boring weekend

-it might be a mind game/test

-it might be to ease his guilt

-just to get a reaction

etc etc

 

but i fear my nc has backfired and now its too late. do you think he will contact me again? bare in mind we were together 6 years.. does he just stop missing me? or will he just give up?.. surely if he really misses me and is sorry he will try harder? and this isn't an ego feed for me btw, i just feel he needs to try harder as it was him who ended it and it's now the 2nd time he has broken up with me

[hopesndreams]

head games

[Charmaine_Champagne]

head games? ok so he just wants to get a response, hear anything from me to know i'm still around? so you would say i should stick with NC until i hear a grand gesture from him?

 

i'm over 100 days NC now but i really feel i can't go on like this anymore. i socialize a lot, i have plans for the next few weekends, i'm just back from holiday and yet even when i'm keeping busy, hanging with friends he is always in my thoughts and i need closure on this. i miss him and i just don't get how he can't be missing me, how he can just be over me

 

and btw i am not playing head games with him.. but i can't just jump at the first little short text msg he sends me when he cut me out of his life and ignored me for weeks on end. that is why i'm doing NC aswell as trying to heal- altho until i get closure and speak to him i don't think i will heal

[hopesndreams]

head games? ok so he just wants to get a response, hear anything from me to know i'm still around? so you would say i should stick with NC until i heat a grand gesture from him?

 

Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head! He wants you to want him, he wants you to miss him, he wants you to think about him constantly....why? Coz he is only thinking of himself, being extremely selfish. He is hurting you by doing this and he doesn't give a flying f*ck.

 

Wait for the grand gesture otherwise stick to NC.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

yeh i feel there is a set timing on the messages he sends me. it's like every month or so he will send a little short message because he wants me to think about him, that he wants to keep me in the loop, keep himself in my thoughts but without blatantly putting his feelings on the line so he sends these little one line texts or emails. possibly also because if he ever does decide to come back to me i will be there waiting. he wants to test if i have moved on or if i still miss him.

 

i read an article that said generally men don't take the silent treatment as rejection. i wonder what he makes of my NC- bare in mind he hasn't heard from me in over 3 months. i mean it's not that i have written back to him 'f**k off, i hate you' i have just ignored him so i wonder what he derives from that? he could see my NC as meaning that i have moved on, that i'm not interested. or he could see it that i am actually hurt and he might feel i will eventually answer him (because when we broke up before i did NC until he literally begged me to have him back)

 

and i know ppl will say that NC is for healing and not for winning back your ex. i'm trying to heal but the more time goes by it's actually harder maybe because i keep expecting to hear from him.

 

i guess the point of my thread was wondering why exs say they miss you if they don't or if it's just a head game? i'm a pretty straight up person, if i had been the one to end things and i didn't miss the person i wouldn't message them and give them false hope. but then i think surely he MUST miss me as we were together 6 years and there wasn't a day that went by when we didn't hear from eachother (excluding the 1st time we broke up a year and a half ago) i guess me and him have been here before and mayb this time he doesn't feel i am worth begging for

 

after all the bad things he did to me i blame myself and make excuses for him

[Exit]

Honestly nobody will ever know what his intentions are. Just because someone says "head games" doesn't mean it's true.

 

I was in the same situation as you, despite maintaining NC for a while, it really wasn't helping me move on, and I willingly chose to break it and talk to her again to see if that would help me move on.

 

You just have to be prepared for the potential outcomes. If it turns out he has nothing good to say and was just texting you to mess around, are you going to totally hate yourself for breaking NC? Are you going to feel like you failed by letting him get the last laugh? Then don't do it. If you can imagine that happening but still wouldn't feel terrible about it, then do it.

 

Closure comes in many different forms. A calm, civilized conversation with him would be nice and helpful, but if you found out he was texting just to be a jerk, that might help you move on as well.

 

Follow your heart. NC is just an idea. If you want to talk, talk, just be prepared for what might happen.

[Kamille]

I am guilty of dumping my ex and writing him and "I miss you" email.

 

the reason I wrote it? Because I missed him. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't want to be back with him and I didn't intend to play games. I wanted him to know it wasn't easy for me either, and that I still thought about him and cared for him.

 

Well... The ex didn't quite see it that way. I now realize how unthoughtful my email was. He wrote back saying he couldn't believe that I was so insensitive as to not realize how much my email messed with his head and asked me not to contact him. He said he would contact me once he was able to talk to me again, wich he estimated would probalby be never. Luckily, never turned into only two years. He contacted me to ask me how I was doing. We've since been in touch very sporadically.

[boogieboy]

Since he isnt trying to make any effort to try to get you back, it IS just a head game. Its an ego boost for him. He wants you to keep thinking about him. He doesnt know if you do or not. Keep it that way until he makes the grand gesture. Problem is, if you answer him he will know you are still pining for him. So you cant answer him, and you def dont wanna get back with a guy who thinks youre relationship isnt worth it.

 

Consider yourself lucky youre only getting these texts once a month, I get them every week from my ex.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

the thing is i feel that he does miss me, i really don't doubt that, we dated for 6 years, i was his first gf so i do believe he misses me. my dilemma is that if he really missed me to the point where it was driving him crazy- he would do more than just send short text messages? if it really bothered him he would swallow his pride, set aside his fears and call me or call to my damn door, if it REALLY bothered him he would make more of an effort and he hasn't.

 

i feel he misses me but at the same time i feel he is also enjoying his freedom, possibly seeing other women and having fun with his newly single best friend so while he may miss me at times i feel he doesn't miss me enough otherwise he would make more effort. on the other hand he might feel he has left it too late, he doesn't know where he stands with me so he doesn't want to put himself/his feelings on the line. but that is just me over analyzing

 

the NC isn't really helping me though and the not knowing is killing me. when i was only a few weeks NC i thought 'oh its early days, it'll get better' but now 4 months down the line i don't really feel i'm that much further on. the thing is my ex is very immature and i don't feel he would be honest with me if i did ask for answers anyway so i may not get closure from speaking to him. but i still want to know what he has to say for himself. it drives me crazy not knowing where is is, how he is and how he feels about me. but is it my place to contact him? or do i just wait this out for him to contact me? and then i could be waiting forever and making myself worse.

 

ppl say if he wants me back, like REALLY wants me and is really sorry then i will know about it, he will do anything to get through to me. his efforts so far have been minimal. ok so he says he misses me which is comforting. but there is a difference between missing me and wanting me back.

[Kamille]

the thing is i feel that he does miss me, i really don't doubt that, we dated for 6 years, i was his first gf so i do believe he misses me. my dilemma is that if he really missed me to the point where it was driving him crazy- he would do more than just send short text messages? if it really bothered him he would swallow his pride, set aside his fears and call me or call to my damn door, if it REALLY bothered him he would make more of an effort and he hasn't.

 

i feel he misses me but at the same time i feel he is also enjoying his freedom, possibly seeing other women and having fun with his newly single best friend so while he may miss me at times i feel he doesn't miss me enough otherwise he would make more effort. on the other hand he might feel he has left it too late, he doesn't know where he stands with me so he doesn't want to put himself/his feelings on the line. but that is just me over analyzing

 

the NC isn't really helping me though and the not knowing is killing me. when i was only a few weeks NC i thought 'oh its early days, it'll get better' but now 4 months down the line i don't really feel i'm that much further on. the thing is my ex is very immature and i don't feel he would be honest with me if i did ask for answers anyway so i may not get closure from speaking to him. but i still want to know what he has to say for himself. it drives me crazy not knowing where is is, how he is and how he feels about me. but is it my place to contact him? or do i just wait this out for him to contact me? and then i could be waiting forever and making myself worse.

 

ppl say if he wants me back, like REALLY wants me and is really sorry then i will know about it, he will do anything to get through to me. his efforts so far have been minimal. ok so he says he misses me which is comforting. but there is a difference between missing me and wanting me back.

 

Yes, exactly, Missing you doesn't mean he wants you back. I wanted to edit my last message to add that you should do exactly what my ex did. Tell your ex that his messages aren't helping you at all, and that you will contact him when you feel ready to talk to him.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

what if i wait for this grand gesture and it never comes. don't get me wrong i'm trying to move on and i do keep busy (even if he his always on my mind) but my friends and family keep telling me that i will hear from him, that he will beg for me back eventually (they know me and him pretty well) so everytime they tell me 'stick with NC, he will regret it and come crawling back' then i keep waiting for a call from him and expecting to hear from him. then when another week goes by with nothing i get upset. they all seem so sure that my grand gesture from him will come. but what if i doesn't what if he meets someone else and moves on.

 

i just don't understand why you would tell someone you miss them if you don't. is it just to get a reaction outta them or what? if i really wanted to break up with someone i just wouldn't contact them again but maybe he doesn't know what he wants and is trying to keep me on back burner as an option. i started this thread cuz i wondered why exs tell us they miss us if they don't ever see a chance of getting back together, what is the point in saying it.

[Exit]

You sound like you are split right down the middle 50/50 about how you feel. Nobody can really decide for you. You seem pretty determined about this idea that if he really cared he would make more of an effort than text messages, so stick with that then. You worry that it's been too long or it's too late to talk to him, then move on.

 

NC is meant to help you move on from someone, but it doesn't seem like it has worked much for you. You may be guilty of using NC more as a trick to hope that he would come back. I am guilty of the same thing. There isn't a day that I didn't WANT to talk to my ex, I completely hated NC and I decided to talk to her again. I would rather get rejected again and finally accept the reality of the situation, instead of going completely insane every day of NC thinking "she misses me, she doesn't, she does, she doesn't".

 

Again you just have to be prepared for the outcome. If you talk to him and you are totally crushed when he has nothing good to say, then don't risk it. If you can hold your head up high and be confident in your decision to break NC no matter what the outcome is, then go for it.

 

 

Adding more since you just posted again----

 

You're worried about what if this grand gesture never comes. He could be sitting at home thinking he already did enough to try to get you to talk to him, and he's wondering when YOU'RE ever going to make a gesture. You could both sit there for the rest of your lives wondering. One of you has to suck it up and take the risk. If you won't ever be able to stop wondering, just break NC, it's not a religion like some people treat it. But again, you have to be prepared for the best, the worst, and everything in between. If he tells you he was just texting you to see how you were doing, you have to accept that as the closure you're looking for.

 

Don't kid yourself. Don't tell yourself you want closure if you aren't ready to hear something that you might not like.

 

We all would like to be the person who gets pursued, who gets the phone call, who hears our doorbell ringing, but if every person on the planet sat around waiting for that to happen, then there'd be nobody to make the phone call or ring the doorbell. Somebody has to do it.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i've just got to a point now i'm 114 days NC and i feel LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS! but at the same time i know i CAN'T be the one to contact him. it has to be up to him. and even if i did contact him right now i don't even know what i would say. that is why i'm waiting for him.. but i can't wait forever. i'm gonna see what this month brings and if it goes by with nothing i will just have to move on. but its hard. and life is too short for this.

[BCCA]

Here is what I think, he was hoping you would say 'I miss you too', to which he would have responded that you should hang out, and proceeded to try and sleep with you.

 

Honestly, a text message SCREAMS 'minimal effort'.

 

what if i wait for this grand gesture and it never comes

 

Than it was never meant to be.

 

my friends and family keep telling me that i will hear from him, that he will beg for me back eventually

 

Everyone said that to me, too. People only say that because hearing it makes you feel better, and gives you piece of mind. Truth be told, no one can say for sure if he'll ever make any effort than a text message, and he probably wont ever come crawling back. Ive known very few people to do that.

 

but what if i doesn't what if he meets someone else and moves on.

 

Dont talk yourself into accepting bread crumbs out of fear. If he cant do better than a text, than he doesnt deserve you. He broke up with you, and he knows how to find you. And if he cant cop a pair and say he screwed up, you dont need to talk to him at all.

 

i just don't understand why you would tell someone you miss them if you don't

 

Missing you and wanting to get back together are not the same thing. He could very well miss what you had, what you did for him, etc, but obviously not the whole relationships.

 

i started this thread cuz i wondered why exs tell us they miss us if they don't ever see a chance of getting back together, what is the point in saying it.

 

Think about what its doing to your mind right now. How powerful a simple text is. And again, he could miss you, love you, and want to hang out with you without wanting to get back together.

 

The only thing you need to know is that he hasnt said what you need to hear, that he screwed up and wants another shot. Until he does, ignore him 100%.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks. thinking about it i'm not prepared for that 'oh i was just texting to see how you are, i miss you but i don't want you back' type comment and i think that fear of being rejected a 2nd time is making me stick with NC. also because i have been in this position before with this guy as we were split up once before. i remember he broke up with me the first time and then afew days later sent a text asking how i was.. well i read it and took it that he wanted me back, but he didn't, he just wanted to ease his guilt.. so i went NC that time and afew months later he was begging me to take him back.

 

i did and a year later we have broken up again. thats why i feel that this time it must be final. not just because of the 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' thing but also because he knew what it was like the first time to lose me so he must have been prepared to go through that again this time which makes me think he really wanted out this time.

 

the main problem is that my family and friends say they are certain i will hear from him again and that eventually he will beg for me back and show some grand gesture. that why i keep waiting for it, living in hope. but what if they are wrong.

[BCCA]

the main problem is that my family and friends say they are certain i will hear from him again and that eventually he will beg for me back and show some grand gesture. that why i keep waiting for it, living in hope. but what if they are wrong.

Theyre probably wrong.

 

Everyone told me the same thing, and I havent heard a single word in 6+ months.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

BCCA just read your post and it's really summed it up for me and i guess confirmed things that deep down i know but don't want to admit. there is always this thought at the back of my head though that conflicts with that- thinking what if he is at home alone and feeling like i am but not knowing how to go about contacting me, what to say etc. but then on the other hand i feel if it REALLY bothered him he wouldn't care about pride and he would do everything in his power to contact me. but then i'm at home now in pieces and for 114 days iv resisted the urge to call him.

 

the thing is the way he broke up with me-without actually saying to me ''you're dumped'' -he ignored me until i took the hint, he took the cowards way out. but then when i went NC it kinda shifted the blame onto me abit, did my NC end things.. therefore is the ball in my court to get in touch. but then i know he wanted rid of me, he just didn't have the balls to say it so technically it was his decision.

 

just the longer it goes on the harder it gets

[Kamille]

The problem is that in your mind, you miss him and want him back so much that for you it's all or nothing. Your heartbreak means that anything he does at this point will mess with your head because you want a second chance.

 

In his mind, it's over. I'm sorry to be this blunt, but the fact that he can write those emails and text MEAN that it's over for him. He misses you like a friend misses another friend. I know this hurts because it isn't what you want, but he misses you because he cared and continues to care for you. This care just isn't enough for you.

 

And I disagree with BCCA. He isn't writing in the hopes of sleeping with you. He's writing in the hopes, yes, to assuage his guilt, but also because he doesn't realize how much pain you're in. He likely thinks, as I did with my ex, that you will feel better knowing he still cares for your well-being, even though your relationship is over. He likely hopes you are moving on and that you will respond and that you two can be friends.

 

You are obviously in no way ready for this. So either tell him to stop contacting you or ignore his text. Accept that all they mean is that he misses you. No more, no less.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

reasons why i believe he will get in touch...

 

-he did when we were split up before, he eventually begged me

-i'm his first love

-we were together for so long

-i know he won't get another girl like me (that is not arrogance i'm just being honest)

-i have heard from him each month since we split, albeit minimal but still it's not as if months have gone by with nothing, he is still trying to keep me in the loop and get my attention

 

reasons why i believe he won't contact me..

 

-he has heard nothing at all from me in 4months

-too much time has passed, left it too late

- we are going in different directions in life, growing apart

- he may be enjoying the single life and i know his friend and him have met women easily off the internet

-he is more outgoing than me therefore able to move on quicker

-he is uncertain of what i know concerning his reasons for breaking up with me..(i feel he was up to something- he might see that my NC was because i found something out about him)

-he is too afraid

[Charmaine_Champagne]

Kamille how do you know that he def doesn't want me back. does this mean that he won't ever want me back? that he won't ever change his mind?

 

i don't feel he wants to sleep with me because sex was not the main focus of our relationship.. but i know he finds me very attractive and misses the fact that he had an attractive girl on his arm to show off.

 

i def think he misses the friendship, we got on really well in that sense and were very comfortable with eachother.

 

perhaps too comfortable- deep down i feel he wanted to 'try out' other girls as we'd been together so long. but if he realizes the grass isn't greener then he may come back?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

so if i maintain NC will it make him miss me more.. or will it be out of sight, out of mind? surely he must wonder where the hell i am after 4months.. am i alive or dead?