* * * Why does an ex say they miss you?

[Kamille]

Kamille how do you know that he def doesn't want me back. does this mean that he won't ever want me back? that he won't ever change his mind?

 

i don't feel he wants to sleep with me because sex was not the main focus of our relationship.. but i know he finds me very attractive and misses the fact that he had an attractive girl on his arm to show off.

 

i def think he misses the friendship, we got on really well in that sense and were very comfortable with eachother.

 

perhaps too comfortable- deep down i feel he wanted to 'try out' other girls as we'd been together so long. but if he realizes the grass isn't greener then he may come back?

 

Like you've said, if he wanted you back, he would know where to find you.

 

What I was trying to say is that you shouldn't let those emails set you back from healing and moving on. They mean precisely the opposite of what you hope they mean. I know this because I have sent those emails. When I sent them, this is what I meant: "Even though we are no longer together, I still care for you, think of you and wish you well." I had no way of knowing, until my ex told me, that he was hoping that we would get back together.

 

What I'm trying to say is that dumpers don't realize how much their well-intended actions can hurt because they have no way to know just how heartbroken the dumpee is. This is why I think you should tell him not to contact you anymore.

 

I also think you should stop hoping for a reconciliation. I kind of suspect the hope of a reconciliation has subsumed all aspects of your life, to the point that this is all you can think about. You haven't accepted this relationship is over. Instead of hoping for a reconciliation, you should work on accepting it's over.

[Exit]

so if i maintain NC will it make him miss me more.. or will it be out of sight, out of mind? surely he must wonder where the hell i am after 4months.. am i alive or dead?

 

Nobody knows, dear. None of us can answer that for you. That's why my 2 cents was to break NC if you want, because I can tell all this curiosity is stopping you from moving on. I am proud of you for staying NC so long but you aren't actually accomplishing the goal of NC (moving on). But you said you are too scared to get a bad result, like him telling you he didn't mean anything by his texts.... well then don't do it. You either accept the risk of getting rejected or you don't. Is living in fear of rejection any worse than getting rejected? Same thing I did with my ex, I was so scared to talk to her, or to ask for my things back, because I didn't want her to say no again, so I kept making excuses to put it aside and not talk to her for a few more days, but I realized that wasn't a healthy way to live, I was just avoiding it.

[BCCA]

And I disagree with BCCA. He isn't writing in the hopes of sleeping with you. He's writing in the hopes, yes, to assuage his guilt, but also because he doesn't realize how much pain you're in. He likely thinks, as I did with my ex, that you will feel better knowing he still cares for your well-being, even though your relationship is over. He likely hopes you are moving on and that you will respond and that you two can be friends.

 

Thats true, but more the way women handle things. Men REALLY dont care about being friends, past for sex. I'm not discounting your theory, and think its spot on if we were discussing a female.

 

so if i maintain NC will it make him miss me more.. or will it be out of sight, out of mind? surely he must wonder where the hell i am after 4months.. am i alive or dead?

 

A dark, dark place this line of thinking will take you. Youre worrying too much about what he thinks, and when hell call...and youre not focusing on what you should: moving on and not caring.

 

As long as youre waiting for him to call, youre never going to meet anyone, and youre never going to be fully interested in anyone else. Youre going to be half in/out of anything because in the back of your mind, this is all just a way to pass time until he comes crawling back. Seriously, Ive never known anyone in my entire life to 'crawl' back at all, and hoping for it is just pointless.

 

I also think you should stop hoping for a reconciliation. I kind of suspect the hope of a reconciliation has subsumed all aspects of your life, to the point that this is all you can think about. You haven't accepted this relationship is over. Instead of hoping for a reconciliation, you should work on accepting it's over.

 

Well said.

 

I am proud of you for staying NC so long but you aren't actually accomplishing the goal of NC (moving on).

 

Again, well said.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks everyone, this all makes sense. this thing is taking over my life.. or rather i am letting it. i've stuck at NC but i haven't moved on, i don't really know how to after 6 years of someone being around and then they are just gone. thats why i can't understand how he can do it.

sometimes i think i'm getting better then other days, like today i am very low. sometimes i expect to hear from him and then when i don't it's like 10 steps backwards.

 

i can't even contemplate being with someone else right now so the thought that he is seeing someone new makes me feel physically sick.. i don't know if he is but i know he is occupying his time somehow because i barely hear from him. i've been out socializing with friends, trying to meet new people but i'm probably so miserable that new people are afraid to approach me. i haven't been able to properly enjoy myself because he is always at the back of my mind.. all the places we go to are places i went with him. lots of different things bring back memories and i just wonder does he get that too?

 

the thing is we broke up once before, i gave him a second chance, took things slowly and just when i finally began to trust him again and really fall for him he went and screwed it all up again. i'm not really sure what my point is now, think i'm rambling. just that i'm finding it hard to get over 6 years, my first love. i do eventually want to talk to him, i want answers, i want to have my say but i don't know if that will ever happen but i need closure. the way it ended left me in limbo wondering what the hell happened and i can't switch off from it until i know

[Exit]

I feel for you. I can't imagine after 6 years. I feel completely betrayed after only a year and a half. I was feeling much of what you are feeling and that's why I asked her to talk to me again. I know I'm just asking for trouble and I'm sure one more conversation isn't going to change her mind, but maybe it will make me feel better.

 

I was the same as you with everything reminding me of her. And just when I would think I was making progress, I'd have a bad day and realize I had just been lying to myself the entire time that I was "getting over it".

 

It certainly isn't easy. You don't sound too sure about what you want to do so I would not rush into any decisions. See how you feel the rest of the week. If you really can't ignore the urge to talk to him, then it's your decision. Just remember you have to be ready for whatever he might say to you. You might even have to be ready for his phone to ring and for him to ignore you.

[adamt]

More than likely you won't get your questions answered. you just have to accept things havent worked out and its not meant to be and move on. My ex split up with me and i spent weeks analysing back through the relationship looking for a particular time point when it might have changed and find a reason why it changed. I can pin point the approx month when the way she acted differently. but i cant find the reason why it changed. sometimes a relationship just runs its course and one person feels they have got stale/bored or just change. maybe got cold feet when the relationship gets too advanced.

 

I think closure comes from NC and reflecting on what you feel you did wrong and then take that into your next relationship

[waitingpatiently]

Omg...we're basically in the exact same boat. Except we were nowhere near together as long as you all. Just 9 months. But I know how you feel. My ex "broke up" with me the same way. (not calling) Now all of a sudden almost 2 months later he wants to start blowing my phone up. I've been 52 days NC, and I admit it is hard. I thought I was doing so good, but suddenly when he actually started calling I back-tracked. He's made minimal efforts also. Never left messages, just kept calling. He did this before, and like a dummy I took him back the first time. NEVER AGAIN. He took the risk of losing me again, and he did just that...lost me! I admit somedays I get weak, and just want to answer his call just to see what he has to say, but in the end I really don't think it will be worth it. He let his pride get in the way, and people like that aren't worth all the pain they cause. I think it would really be best for you to just move on. I know it's hard, but someday somebody will come along and treat US soooo much better.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i'm just worried that now i have been 4 months NC that i have no way of getting him back or even being friends or just talking, catching up. we were together 6 years so i don't want him to just become a stranger. i would eventually like to talk with him, even if it is to get closure. but does going NC like this for such a long time worsen my chances of ever hearing from him again? am i pushing him away more that he will actually be afraid to contact me?

 

or do u think my actions are irrelevant- that if he really misses me he will call me no matter how long i do NC for? i just feel maybe i am shooting myself in the foot by doing it for so long. i'd like to open up a window to conversation. people tell me that atleast with no contact i keep my dignity but i feel i have given him an easy way out.. he ignored me until i took the hint but at the same time i didn't really run after him either. i didn't really corner him and force him to explain to me, but from his actions it was obvious

 

i rem when he became distant just before it ended, i just KNEW something was wrong. it worried me so much that i got a taxi all the way up to his house to ask for answers. i sent him texts begging him to tell me the truth- he pretended not to get them. even when i called to his door he rushed me home, drove through a red light to take me back home- his excuse was he had to get ready for work and i shouldn't have called unexpectedly. but i know something was up, he just didn't have the balls to tell me. i admit i went abit 'bunny boiler-esque' lol but it was a 6 year relationship! tho i didn't really run after him as such, i asked him a few times and when it was clear he was messing me around i went strict NC pretty much right away. sometimes i wonder was it all a game to see if i would run after him, or he thought that i would and he could go have fun and then pick me up again but i went NC and he didn't expect that at all. he thought i'd spend weeks chasing him for an answer n i didn't.

 

thats why if i rang him up now i know he would prob avoid my questions, and thats why i feel he isnt contacting me- apart from little texts, because he doesn't want to have to explain himself and admit to me what was going on back in Feb. but surely the longer this goes on for the harder it will be to ever make contact again for either of us?

 

has anyone here ever been NC for more than 4months and then had their ex contact them or met up to talk, or even got back together? i just need to do the NC thing and it has to be him who makes the move because he made it clear he wanted it to end and when i chased him for answers back in Feb as we were breaking up he just ignored me. so i went NC. surely then he has to have to balls to admit he did wrong. but the longer i ignore him, he might just forget me? out of sight out of mind? will he not wonder where i am and contact me?

 

* to sum up my basic question is- is my NC for this long (4months) likely to push him away that he will just give up and not contact me as it's too late now and too much time has passed? OR does it not matter what i do, that if he really wants me he will contact me no matter how much time has passed or how long i ignore him for?

 

i thought that by ignoring his little short meaningless texts it would send a message to him that he has to try harder, that i want an apology or atleast i want more, i deserve more. but so far he hasn't really tried harder or more frequently. i mean i haven't answered his texts but they didn't really say anything they were just very short 'i miss you' statements to gauge my reactions. so if he wanted me to talk he could actively call my phone rather than words on a screen.

 

thoughts.....?

[norajane]

i thought that by ignoring his little short meaningless texts it would send a message to him that he has to try harder, that i want an apology or atleast i want more, i deserve more. but so far he hasn't really tried harder or more frequently.

 

If he really wanted you back, don't you think he'd try harder? A few texts aren't really trying very much at all. He knows where you live - he knows how to send flowers or bring flowers. He knows how to reach your friends and sound them out and see if you'd be interested. He knows how to pick up the phone and call you or leave a voice mail. He knows how to send you an email. He knows how to ask to see you. He's not doing those things because that's not why he sent the texts.

 

I left my ex-fiance after 6 years of being together. When I left, I missed him. I didn't want him back, but of course I missed him. He wasn't a bad person, and we'd been a big part of each other's lives for a long time. So there would be odd moments I'd be reminded of him and I'd miss him. But we weren't right for each other, and I didn't want to get back together. No amount of NC or contact would have changed my mind on that.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

so basically it wouldn't matter if i ignored him for 10 months- if he really wanted me, if it really bothered him, if he was really scared of losing me.. he would call me? no matter how afraid he was after so much time had passed- if he really cared he would make more effort than texts and he would call me? so what i do, whether it is NC or otherwise won't really influence him, the choice will be his regardless of my actions?

[Exit]

so basically it wouldn't matter if i ignored him for 10 months- if he really wanted me, if it really bothered him, if he was really scared of losing me.. he would call me? no matter how afraid he was after so much time had passed- if he really cared he would make more effort than texts and he would call me? so what i do, whether it is NC or otherwise won't really influence him, the choice will be his regardless of my actions?

 

Nobody can answer this question. You can't answer it and you're the one who was in the relationship, a bunch of strangers online certainly can't answer it for you.

 

Yes it would be great if he made more of an effort. But I also tried to explain why he may not be doing that. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. It means when you don't answer his text messages for 100 days, he think he would annoy you by sending you flowers or trying to talk to your friends about you. You have shown him that you have no interest and that you've moved on, do you really think he would feel like it's a good idea to show up on your doorstep with flowers? No, he is scared that you'd shoot him down again. You made it clear to him that trying is pointless.

 

I am just playing devil's advocate here. Everyone else is telling you "he doesn't really miss you, maintain NC", and yes that's a possibility, he could have been sending those texts for the wrong reasons. BUT there is just as much of a possibility that he was really trying, but your NC was successful in showing him that it's over.

 

You expect to ignore him for 4 months and he's just supposed to keep trying and trying? He has feelings too and he doesn't want to get rejected either.

 

From your point of view -- "All he's doing is texting me. If he cared he would do more".

From his point of view -- "I sent her texts trying to establish contact. If she cared she would have at least answered".

[Charmaine_Champagne]

you're completely right.. my friends and family shout me down when i try to explain how it may be from his side.. but i knew him 6 years, i know him better than most people so i know he does genuinely miss me. i have decided not to break NC for now but if he gets in touch again, even if it is just a text, i am going to answer it the next time as i can't go on like this. i feel i have made my point with the NC for 4months and so i want to answer his next msg- if there is one.

 

tho i still believe it is up to him to be the one to initiate the next contact as he ended it with me and has so far he has not said he regrets that or asked me backo r said something like ''i know i messed up, im sorry, i miss you, if you could find it in your heart to just talk to me id love to hear from you''- he has just said 'i miss you' n told me he was looking at photos of me but i will see what happens, if i don't hear from him i may be the one to break the NC

[Charmaine_Champagne]

even if i do contact him, what do i say.. it's abit late to make it bright and breezy.. i just want him to know how much he hurt me, i'd love to tell him how much he has hurt me, not that i think it would gain anything but it would be telling him my real feelings

[Ingenue]

the main problem is that my family and friends say they are certain i will hear from him again and that eventually he will beg for me back and show some grand gesture. that why i keep waiting for it, living in hope. but what if they are wrong.

 

Charmaine, I know where you're coming from. My relationship was 5 years and my friends said the same thing to me that he'd be beating down my door with platitudes and soliloquies after he realized what a douchebag he was. But it's not healthy to live in hope for the "what ifs" of life. You cannot change the past, no matter how hurtful it may be. You can only live the present and hope to craft your own future. Whether he comes to his senses or not is only something he can assess. The reality is that currently he's moved on and you're stuck in a moment hoping for a different outcome. You need to unstick yourself however you think that will be best achieved. For some, that's complete NC. For others, that may mean a "closure" conversation with an ex or a blow out discussion. You need to decide what you need to do for your own wellbeing to move on with your life. Think about what's best for you.

 

And as an aside, my ex did contact me about 7 months after he dumped me by email. He was still dating the woman whom he (emotionally and most likely physically) cheated on me with. He was lamenting about the relationship and came fishing to see if I was in another relationship. By that time, I was completely over him and didn't bother biting. In hindsight, him dumping me was the best thing that could have happened in my life because regardless of whether I end up a single or part of a couple one day, at least I won't be with a man who has so little respect, common courtesy and human decency for others.

 

As for me (and I know most won't advocate this), I spoke to my ex after about 5 months NC. We had a long discussion and that was when I found out about the cheating. When I did, it completely snapped me out of whatever emotionally stagnant state I had been in because I finally saw him for the arrogant, selfish, snivelling man he was and not the man that my own mind had built him up to be.

 

Whatever you decide to do, please ensure that you're doing it for your own wellbeing and your own mental health. Only you know what that will entail

[BCCA]

CC, think about things this way...

 

Remember the last guy you either dumped, or turned down when he asked you out. Did you ever think to contact him again? Probably not, right? I can clearly remember the last girl I broke up with, and I made absolutely no attempts to contact her ever again. I also have a girl who I told I was not interested in romantically, and Ive never once thought that I might have made a mistake.

 

even if i do contact him, what do i say..

 

Youre mis-using NC, I can see it right here. Youre doing it to make him call you or miss you, which is asking for dissapointment. You havent made the decision that youre going to get over this and move on, youre still waiting by the phone and hoping. You need to make the decision that even though this sucks, you WANT to get over it and be happy again. NC is only part of what you need to do.

 

i just want him to know how much he hurt me, i'd love to tell him how much he has hurt me, not that i think it would gain anything but it would be telling him my real feelings

 

He's not going to care or want to hear it. And even if by some strange turn of luck you got him to hear you out, he wouldnt be phased by what you said at all. It would come off as a guilt trip, which to a certain extent, it is. He knows you werent happy by being dumped, no one is. He did it anyway, because he felt it was best for him. Its a decision you make for yourself, knowing that the other person is probably going to be crushed. The last thing hes going to want to do is hear about what a jerk he is and how hurt you are.

[Kamille]

This time I completely agree with BCCA Charmaine.

 

He was your first love, so likely your first heartbreak. My first love was barely more then a year, so I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Basically, you dedicated the last six years to this relationship, so I can understand it's hard for you to imagine a different outcome then getting back together.

 

It's obvious you feel angry and betrayed - it's obvious by the cowardly way he ended things that you do deserve better. All this should tell you one thing: He isn't the right man for you. The right man for you won't ever be able to put you through such pain and indignities.

 

So again, work on accepting the relationship is over. Make accepting things are over your goal, instead of bouncing back to hoping for a reconciliation. Make this about you and your well-being. Entertain the possibility of another outcome: one where you come out of this heartache stronger, knowing yourself better, being ready for an even better and more caring and loving relationship then the one you had with this man. I know right now it seems impossible, but that IS what's going to happen.

 

So... You will need to start fighting your reconciliation impulse. When you start wondering: if he wanted me back he would contact me right? The answer is YES. He left you. No amount of shame or fear would keep an ex from getting in touch with you in a big way if he wanted you back. So your job isn't figuring out if he is going to contact you or why he isn't contacting you (he isn't contacting you because he's still serene with his decisions to end things). Your job is healing.

 

This involves telling your friends you want their support as you move on.

 

This could involve telling him that you still have feelings for him and that you would prefer he not contact you unless he wants to get back together with you. That you will contact him once you've moved on.

 

It also involves becoming aware of all the times the only outcome you see as feasible is a reconciliation. Here's a few example

 

 

i'm just worried that now i have been 4 months NC that i have no way of getting him back or even being friends or just talking, catching up. we were together 6 years so i don't want him to just become a stranger.

Don't worry about this. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself the right to contact him once you're healed and over him. And you will heal and get over him.

 

i would eventually like to talk with him, even if it is to get closure. but does going NC like this for such a long time worsen my chances of ever hearing from him again? am i pushing him away more that he will actually be afraid to contact me?

 

You're letting the reconciliation outcome inform how you think through NC. No, you are not pushing him away. He pulled himself out of your life when he broke up with you. Nothing you do now can change that.

 

or do u think my actions are irrelevant- that if he really misses me he will call me no matter how long i do NC for? i just feel maybe i am shooting myself in the foot by doing it for so long. i'd like to open up a window to conversation. people tell me that atleast with no contact i keep my dignity but i feel i have given him an easy way out.. he ignored me until i took the hint but at the same time i didn't really run after him either. i didn't really corner him and force him to explain to me, but from his actions it was obvious

 

 

i rem when he became distant just before it ended, i just KNEW something was wrong. it worried me so much that i got a taxi all the way up to his house to ask for answers. i sent him texts begging him to tell me the truth- he pretended not to get them. even when i called to his door he rushed me home, drove through a red light to take me back home- his excuse was he had to get ready for work and i shouldn't have called unexpectedly. but i know something was up, he just didn't have the balls to tell me. i admit i went abit 'bunny boiler-esque' lol but it was a 6 year relationship! tho i didn't really run after him as such, i asked him a few times and when it was clear he was messing me around i went strict NC pretty much right away. sometimes i wonder was it all a game to see if i would run after him, or he thought that i would and he could go have fun and then pick me up again but i went NC and he didn't expect that at all. he thought i'd spend weeks chasing him for an answer n i didn't.

Aren't you angry about this? Don't you deserve to be treated better then this? There is someone out there who wouldn't dream of treating you so poorly. The bad/good news: that person isn't your ex. Move on.

 

thats why if i rang him up now i know he would prob avoid my questions, and thats why i feel he isnt contacting me- apart from little texts, because he doesn't want to have to explain himself and admit to me what was going on back in Feb. but surely the longer this goes on for the harder it will be to ever make contact again for either of us?

Who cares CC? It's over. Stop hoping for contact and a reconciliation. And no, once you are over it all, if you still want to be friends with him, it won't be hard to get in touch because you won't care about the outcome. But right now, you need to stop focusing on having him in your life. You seem to be doing this at the cost of your well-being. I repeat: focus on your well-being. Stop spending so much energy hoping to hear from him.

 

has anyone here ever been NC for more than 4months and then had their ex contact them or met up to talk, or even got back together?

Ex (dumpee) and I (dumper) were NC for two years, at his request. We are now friends, who keep limited contact.

I did get back together with another guy before that, after about two months NC. As in your previous experience, it ended up being disastrous. People break up for a reason. People break up twice because they aren't made for each other.

 

You know what I find most frustrating about this? You sound like you know yourself well and you know you have a lot to offer. But you are wasting all your energy trying to mend a vase that has been broken twice. Remind yourself of this: there is someone out there who will be so compatible for you, it'll blow your mind away. You'll be left wondering why you were so hooked on your ex.

 

i just need to do the NC thing and it has to be him who makes the move because he made it clear he wanted it to end and when i chased him for answers back in Feb as we were breaking up he just ignored me. so i went NC. surely then he has to have to balls to admit he did wrong. but the longer i ignore him, he might just forget me? out of sight out of mind? will he not wonder where i am and contact me?

Yes he did do wrong. Why do you need him to admit it? The important thing is that his actions are unacceptable by your standards. Why would you want to get together with someone who treated you so poorly?

 

As to forgetting you: the harsh answer is this: yes, he is likely moving on. He, after all, is the one who chose to walk away. It doesn't mean he will ever forget you. You were his first love. No one ever forgets that. But you have to accept that doesn't mean he wants to get back together with you.

 

 

* to sum up my basic question is- is my NC for this long (4months) likely to push him away that he will just give up and not contact me as it's too late now and too much time has passed? OR does it not matter what i do, that if he really wants me he will contact me no matter how much time has passed or how long i ignore him for?

 

Again, here you're letting only the possibility of reconciliation inform your thoughts. The answer is, It doesn't matter. Stop torturing yourself over this. Give up the torture! Sit back, take a deep breath and imagine an alternate outcome: you get over him, find someone great and you and your new beau run into him in the distant future. You look like a million bucks and you can tell he is assailed with regrets. But hey, whatever, you're over him, he lost you. His fault.

 

i thought that by ignoring his little short meaningless texts it would send a message to him that he has to try harder, that i want an apology or atleast i want more, i deserve more. but so far he hasn't really tried harder or more frequently. i mean i haven't answered his texts but they didn't really say anything they were just very short 'i miss you' statements to gauge my reactions. so if he wanted me to talk he could actively call my phone rather than words on a screen.

 

thoughts.....?

 

The answer, again, is YES. If he wanted more he would send more then short meaningless texts. I know it hurts to hear this, but accept the hurt and accept that this only means one thing: it's over.

Cry, scream, get angry and then start thinking about a healing plan. Go exercise, go out with friends, get into rockclimbing, treat yourself to a spa day, pamper yourself. You will get over him.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

Kamille thank u so much for that post, it has really spelt it out to me. i know i over analyze this like crazy but i know i'm only torturing myself in the end. this is my first love and first proper heartbreak (well second- he has done it to me before! ahh, i'm pathetic, just i really loved him so gave him a second chance before)

 

you know the thing is if this was one of my friends, if i was on the outside looking in i would think i was crazy for letting him do this to me (again) and still hoping for a reconciliation. well i have plans for this weekend with friends and i'm gonna just try to not think about him.

 

the thing is he has just really wrecked my confidence and self worth by doing this, esp for the 2nd time- or rather i've let him. you are right, i do know myself well.. deep down i know i have alot going for me and this guy can't even hold down a proper job.. yet i loved him so much that i saw past all his faults and u can't help who u fall in love with. deep down i know that he won't get another girl like me, i just want him to realise that and regret what he's done.

 

but i will try to move on now and not think about a possibility of us getting together, i mean it i really am going to try, otherwise i'm gonna make myself ill over this and no man is worth that. and i'm gonna try to stop pimping this site so much as well, it's starting to consume my life.