Standing ground or manipulation?

[Anis]

I need some advice. The short story is H had an affair a couple years ago, about 7 months into healing he messes around with a friend's gf one night while I'm out of town. I bit the bullet and decided to try, H was in counseling and then we did it together. The relationship has improved by leaps and bounds.

 

Now in the same workplace where the A occurred, he's befriended the receptionist. When I found out I told him I wasn't ready for him to have female friends, didn't know how long it would be that way but now definitely isn't the time. The A was with a prior receptionist at that place. This was back in Oct. Now little by little I find out they have several cigg. breaks a day together and he is her therapist. She's in a bad relationship and suddenly he's in the thick of her personal life, including her sex life.

 

He'll tell me things sometimes and then back off when I explode b/c he has no business asking her how often they have sex or going anywhere near that topic. I found her number in his phone and made him erase it. He says I'm trying to control him and it's not fair and I'm being insecure...in reality I am trying to control him and I'm extremely insecure after what he's put me through, but he agreed to be fully committed to our relationship and I feel like now he's changing his stance b/c he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong.

 

My dilemma is this. I'm pregnant with our first child. I see the pattern like a train coming my way and I refuse to go through this again. I refuse to allow him to keep his old habits, without boundaries and still open my heart to him. He's not budging and thinks I'm completely overreacting but I see the same justifications and finger pointing and white lies and I'm prepared to disconnect emotionally. I feel like it's the only way I can protect myself and show him I won't accept what he's willing to offer. I let so many things go in the past when I should have stood my ground.

 

But at the same time I'm in love with him and I'm afraid that I'm trying to manipulate him into a useless give-in, b/c whatever he agrees to isn't in his heart and he'll end up doing what he wants in the end regardless. Meanwhile I'm painted as the jealous, dominating wife. I'm just really panicked about this b/c I feel like it's a cross road and I have a choice, and if I let it go then I'm nailing my own coffin, but I'm not ready to leave - so far from wanting to leave, in fact. But I'm so far from trusting him that I can't handle him getting close to another woman.

[AlektraClementine]

I am so sorry you're in this situation. And I'm sorry you're dealing with a pregnancy on top of it all.

 

Quite simply, I think your husband runs a high risk of cheating again. He probably will. To get defensive of his relationship with the receptionist is a sign that he values her in his life.

 

I'd leave him. But that's me. And before you ask. Yes, I've been married and yes I've raised children alone.

[stace79]

I am not yet married and I do not have children. But I would say 100% to leave. Do you have a support system if you were a single mom?

 

I think what he is doing is highly disrespectful, and it does not sound like he loves you the way he should. My fiance broke up with me once to go back to his ex, and then even when he and I got back together for two years he refused to stop being her friend. I felt horrible, insecure and jealous all the time.

 

Granted I was not pregnant, but I finally decided enough was enough and his being her friend was not a situation that would ever make me happy. So I broke up with him. He turned tail, immediately emailed her that they could no longer be friends b/c he loves me too much and my happiness was the most important thing. She has still tried to text him, but he ignores her completely and shows me any message she might send (it's only been twice so far).

 

If your husband loved you and cherished your feelings, he would stop doing this. I am afraid these are not good signs for you, and raising a child is hard enough without also freaking out about whether your husband is cheating on you! No woman deserves that.

 

Even if you were being a little irrational, he should understand because HE made you that way by cheating the first time!

[TaraMaiden]

Are you still in counselling?

I would suggest requesting to him that you both go back, because there are obviously unresolved issues... then bring it up and air your concerns...

It's natural that you would still have trust issues.

But if he had the affair he has to prove to you with whatever it takes that he can meet your standards, until such a time as you're satisfied he has.

You, by your turn, have to give him the opportunity to prove himself, without throwing up the past in his face all the time. you have to give him room to grow.

 

But he's overstepping the line in my view.

He's flaunting his bravado in your face, by saying, "look, I can mix with women AND keep my hands off them! In fact, I am useful to them, without taking it out of my pants!"

 

He needs to stop.

Or he needs to go.

And Alektra is living proof that I believe, when it comes to having no choice but to go it alone, we can do it.

And so can you.