Tortured state of mind

[Valedico]

hi everyone

 

i cheated on my gf one night when i was wasted out of my mind, i couldnt keep it a secret and the guilt was killing her so i told her. She was hurt and broken and it killed me to see her eyes when i told her, she forgave me and we were happy for months but she did eventually break up with me the damage was to much.

 

When she left me i was a pathetic wreck, crying, begging, pleading, phoning her non stop smsing her all of the things i shouldent have done! She then met up with me eventually and told me she couldnt give me a second chance because it would destroy her soul, she brought the cheating back up....i told her i would NEVER do it in my life again and i mean it i wont ever do it again the pain and guilt isnt worth it.

 

I started to ignore her, then she started phoning me and she wanted to meet up, she would sleep with me and say things like "i hope im not giving you false hope?" I was so desperate to get her back that i saidn no but it did, she just used me for sex stringed me along for months...and then one day she said she's over it and completely ignored me. I know i hurt her and i think she wanted to hurt me just as much and that was her way of doing it...i know i deserved it and it hurt me like hell.

 

Well i cant forgive myself for cheating on her and i feel like i deserved to be treated like that for months by her. Now the guilt of what i did is tearing me apart, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cry at night for four months now and its not getting any better i honestly live in hell...ive started hating myself, she was amazing and i tore her apart...im still so in love with her. How do you forgive yourself and stop hating yoursel for what u did when you dont even recognise that person you once were??

[Thornton]

You obviously really hurt her when you cheated, and your actions ended your relationship - that is something you'll just have to live with. She wasn't necessarily trying to hurt you back - perhaps she tried to get over it and give you a second chance but she just couldn't.

 

I imagine you probably feel guilt because it was your fault that the relationship ended, and because you hurt someone who you love so much. Well, it sounds like the relationship is un-fixable now so all you can do is learn from it and move on; continually punishing yourself will achieve nothing. You'll never cheat again, and you'll also never drink to excess again if alcohol has such a bad effect on you that you're capable of cheating on someone you love. She is over it now, so you need to work on getting over it too.

 

When I was upset about mistakes I made, my mother always used to say to me "With the facts at the time as you understood, you made the best decision you possibly could". What she meant was that at the time you do the best with whatever information you currently have available, and punishing yourself after the event doesn't help at all. It's easy to look at things afterwards with hindsight and say what you should (or should not) have done, but the fact is that at the time you did what you thought was right/best, or what you wanted to do, so even if you were back in that situation again you'd still do the same thing, because you wouldn't have the benefit of hindsight. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move forward. Perhaps if you could speak to her and ask her forgiveness, that might help you to let go?

[love2dance]

Get some therapy..