Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I have a fear that the girl I am seeing is going to be a high-maintainance spoiled brat, basically. We're currently in a long-distance relationship and have not met yet. I am a college student. Red Flag #1: She often complains to me that she is bored during the day. She stays at home and watches TV or plays on the computer. She has no money so she can't go out and do fun things. Naturally, I asked her why she doesn't consider getting a job, as it would give her something to do and would give her money to have fun, on top of the fact that you'd probably make some new friends. She has an extremely down attitude, "Blah nobody would hire me/nobody's hiring etc" even though her city is doing relatively fine for itself given the types of jobs she's after. I even compiled a list for her of places that were hiring for jobs in her area that she wanted and gave it to her. She still turned the idea down. So, she's unwilling to put forth effort even if I do all the searching for her. I get the impression she's incompetent or something, and content with her mother and father paying her way for everything, which includes a very expensive makeup addiction (she buys new makeup almost every week and that stuff isn't cheap. There's a lot she hasn't even used yet). Red flag #2: She often complains to me of her family situation, but now I have a hard time believing that she has it so rough. I won't even mention how much money her parents spend on her for random things like makeup, as I've already gone over that. She told me one night she was starving and was so hungry and wanted food so badly. Later she told me, "I am starving and all Mom gave me was a stupid sandwich." What?! That is NOT starving. "I want a hot, cooked meal and Mom refuses to cook tonight" was her response. I asked why she couldn't go into the kitchen to make herself something. She shook her head, "I don't want any of that. I want a cooked meal. I'm a picky eater." So basically she sits around moaning about how life is whenever other people aren't doing everything for her, is the impression I get. ______________________ Other than that she is a sweet girl with a kind heart, and we have a lot in common and have fun talking to one another, but I am really hesitant to take this relationship further if I am going to end up with someone who expects me to pay for everything, including their expensive addictions, and who won't do anything for themselves. I am only graduating college and so it's not like I have money yet anyway. I've always done things myself, be that paying for things, making food, etc, and so I understand how hard it is. I feel like she doesn't yet understand the value and worth of such actions and would take them for granted, and basically expect me to spoil her to the same extent that her parents do. Link to post Share on other sites
ph3nom Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 lol. My advice is to brace yourself when you meet her. Im sorry but relationships that exist having not even met the person are a ridiculous idea. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 my big question is to you... why would any guy find this gal attractive with all the choices of great people in this world? pick someone else to be interested in... and be honest with her why you made the decision... it's only right that she have an understanding that her lack of motivation and unwillingness to participate in life is not interesting for other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 ph3nom: I'm not asking about the nature of long-distance relationships. I've had one in the past such that we met in person and stayed together for two years. I'm asking about a separate matter. Link to post Share on other sites
refurb Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Yeah I would say those are red flags. She obviously has a lot of growing up to do. You can't do it for her. Will she turn into a responsible, healthy adult? Who knows. It's too early to tell. RF Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 I don't know whether to stick it out or just bail now and look for someone else. Is there anyone who stuck these type of situations out and had a successful conclusion? I've already had one relationship where the girl expected me to do all the heavy lifting on her behalf... I'm really hoping this girl is not the same. Very tired of the spoiled girls. Never satisfied, always demanding. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I live with my mom, I pay half the rent, half on every other expense we share, and my own bills. I cook all my own meals, and watch my own laundry. I would love expensive make up (sephora my love ) but I don't make enough money to afford it, so with the exception of a once in awhile treat, I just don't buy it. I have zero credit cards, and never have had one to pay for things I can't afford. I'm pretty happy overall and don't complain with what I do have. My parents are not in the position to buy things for me and I'm fine with it. If there's something I'm unhappy with, I make an effort to change it. I would like a second job, but it hasn't happened yet BUT I've at least made the effort at applying. When I hear situations like what you're stating, I want to roll my eyes. That said, what matters is what YOU think of her. In all honesty, there are plenty of girls I've seen act like this (this almost describes a few of my relatives to a perfect T, complete with the "I want a hot cooked meal and mom won't cook".) and they still have boyfriends etc all the time. No one is perfect, everyone has their negatives and positives, quite frankly I couldn't be with a man like that. Anyone who is willing to do nothing for themselves is a no no in my book, but again that's me. You need to decide if this is a charachter glitch you can overlook and accept her for her positives or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 I mean as long as she doesn't carry that sort of logic over to me, I could not care less. I just don't want her turning to me whenever she wants more makeup or getting pissed off if I don't cook her something. I've got my own expenses to worry about (Ivy League college tuitions are not cheap). Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I have a fear that the girl I am seeing is going to be a high-maintainance spoiled brat, basically. We're currently in a long-distance relationship and have not met yet. Um, what? You think you are "seeing" her, are in a relationship, yet you're long distance and have NEVER MET. And the point of all this fretting, is... ? As a tip - MEET a girl, date her in real life, and THEN evaluate her. Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Sounds like a big time LOSER Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 She just told me she got in an argument with her mom who kept calling her a piece of sh*t and that now she has a headache. I told her to drink some water and get some ibuprofin/advil/whatever. "I can't. Mom won't give me medicine." "Uh, you can just do it yourself, you know -- just open it up, take it, good to go" "She hides the medicine." "What the hell? That doesn't make sense at all whatsoever." "She is crazy." Alright, seriously? I am having a hard time buying this. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Move on. It's good you got your diploma but here you need some common sense! This gal is not respectable. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I mean as long as she doesn't carry that sort of logic over to me, I could not care less. I just don't want her turning to me whenever she wants more makeup or getting pissed off if I don't cook her something. I've got my own expenses to worry about (Ivy League college tuitions are not cheap). Well if it trully doesn't bother you that she treats her mother this way, then that's your right. As far as it being carried over to you..hmm let's see.. Well, we know she will not work and get a job. She going to live with you and call home to get her makeup and things she wants bought for her? Doubtful. She going to call mom over to cook her a hot meal ? Again, doubtful. So that just leaves well...YOU. I really don't think it's even a bad thing for a man to take care of a woman, but there's a difference between taking care of her, and the way she doesn't appreciate what is done for her and wants above and beyond. I also agree, that the story about the medicine seems over reaching. You said you never met this girl.. hmm You better PM lovenoob over in the LDR threads, make sure you two aren't wooing the same girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Asami Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I don't know whether to stick it out or just bail now and look for someone else. Is there anyone who stuck these type of situations out and had a successful conclusion? I've already had one relationship where the girl expected me to do all the heavy lifting on her behalf... I'm really hoping this girl is not the same. Very tired of the spoiled girls. Never satisfied, always demanding. I would say cut your loss on this one she sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, also she sounds a bit spoiled... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I would say cut your loss on this one she sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, also she sounds a bit spoiled...A bit? How about darn near helpless... Run, Forrest, run! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 read the book Co Dependent No More it isn't up to you to fix her - or fix anything for her... that is up to her. this gal is a totally unhealthy choice - makes me want to ask you - WHY would you even consider her to date? or spend ANY energy on her? WHAT are you getting out of listening to all her unhealthy dribble? Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Am I the only one who is catching that the OP has NEVER met this girl in real life, lives LD from her, and yet, feels he is in a relationship with her? I think the far larger issue is the OP living in fantasy land, rather than her being high maintenance. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Am I the only one who is catching that the OP has NEVER met this girl in real life, lives LD from her, and yet, feels he is in a relationship with her? I think the far larger issue is the OP living in fantasy land, rather than her being high maintenance. I've done it Jilly, with the intent to meet for real, and know how real it feels and yet, know that it's not for real. Until you've tried it, perhaps you can't understand it. I wouldn't do it again, though. There's always a first time for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 Jilly have you not heard of how various LDR's work? That so much isn't the problem here. Again, I've done it before and it turned into a successful relationship (at least for a few years, ended for completely unrelated reasons). Anyways I have no problems taking care of a girl I love... but I do have problems if a girl EXPECTS something as opposed to APPRECIATING something. If a girl genuinely appreciates what you do for her, the difference is obvious. If a girl is EXPECTING of you instead, it is far unhealthier. My relationship before was a lot like that... it was a thankless and stressful process. Like if a relationship is going well, I have no issues with cooking for someone or buying things for someone, but if I am *expected* to cook every day or *expected* to buy her makeup every week, that's a different story. However, she has not come across to me with that kind of attitude yet at all. I am just worried that these are red flags that will develop into a far worse situation later on. Link to post Share on other sites
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 It's not real it's all in your heads, stop being foolish. A relationship between two people who have never met is hardly a relationship it's a silly fantasy. Is it any wonder she complains she is bored? No, not really, this is exactly what bored people do, they form imaginary relationships with people they have never met. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 But she has every means NOT to be bored. It just bothers me that she defaults to it and complains about it so often. I feel like saying outright, "Well it's your own damn fault. You choose to do nothing but be bored, so what do you expect?" Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Jilly have you not heard of how various LDR's work? Hon, when people have NEVER met, and somehow have convinced themselves they are in a "relationship", it raises a lot of flags. You are not IN a LDR. You are stuck in a fantasy world. Do you ever meet and date women in real life? Or, are all of your "relationships" confined to virtual reality? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 i wish you would answer my questions... that would help to know why you choose this... Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 But she has every means NOT to be bored. It just bothers me that she defaults to it and complains about it so often. I feel like saying outright, "Well it's your own damn fault. You choose to do nothing but be bored, so what do you expect?" I have to agree with JillyBean. You spent 4 years in college to get your diploma and you couldn't find any nice girls there? College is one of the best places to meet people, especially because you are similar intelligence levels. But even more so, you can get to know them a bit before you date. It sounds like you had a relationship like this before (virtual world first). Touch the earth! Hit reality and go out and meet people for real. This way you don't have to keep second guessing. This girl sounds like spoiled brat which could very well lead you to the same situation as the girl from before. Why are you wasting your time? Get out and meet real girls and also ones who are not spoiled brats with nothing interesting to say except complaining. This girl sounds like a total loser! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 Jilly: Of course I've met and dated girls in real life. Relationships that start out online do not wind up permanently online. Plenty of people meet online, meet later and have perfectly normal in-person relationships, as I have done once before. I've also dated here in college (one girl one year, another for 2 years). I am finding it hard to meet new people outside of college now that I am graduating. However, looking online has helped. I just can't do the whole bar-scene thing. Again, please do not focus on issues that are not relevant here. Saying that this relationship "is a dream" is missing the point and is entirely inaccurate. _______________ 2sunny: Because everything else is otherwise great. She's very pretty and we do have fun talking (given that she is not complaining about something). Her relationship with her parents is not too good. Her father ran away when she was 2, and she does not get along well with the stepdad. The parents fight almost daily, and neither of them say nice things to her. However they do spoil her, and she's said this herself. She's described it as a "Just take this, be happy, and shut up" sort of relationship. Like, outside of the red flags I've raised, things are otherwise solid. I just have a fear that these red flags are somehow going to be indicative of future behavior to come. I cannot tell if she is just making her relationship with her parents sound worse than it really is, or if her home situation is just unhealthy. She makes them out to be such horrible people, but I don't know if she's twisting things such that she's pulling complaints over incomplete stories, here. Link to post Share on other sites
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