Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 Understandably I've only shared negative information so far, and so it does not surprise me that most of the responses are negative. However, I guess I am asking if this is a negative that is a HUGE negative, or if I am looking too hard into something that will likely not be a problem down the road. Has anyone been with someone who used to act this way and turned out just fine when it came to the relationship itself? And yes, I understand that talking is essential, but I've always had trouble addressing issues that aren't quite issues yet. As in, issues in someone else's lifestyle that have not yet entered the relationship itself but might. I sure as hell don't know how to do it tactfully. "I'm afraid you're spoiled and I fear you're going to rely on me for everything"? I don't know how else to phrase it. Link to post Share on other sites
butcher's hook Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 The answer is what we have been saying all along, you CAN'T know if you are overthinking or if this is a true concern of her character until you know what this girl is like in the actualy live flesh and blood relationship. That's why we keep bringing it up. You want us to give you advice on what you tell us but you want us to ommit the big picture in doing so, and you can't seperate the two.You can't address it because something inside you is telling you it is not your place to adress this since you know deep down you are not 100% connected with this girl. That is the thing about having an exclusive online relationship you don't know what your boundaries are or how they relate to the actual relationship. If you had been seeing her for a few months the story would be completely different and what you are trying to do would feel a lot more natural. Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Dump that ho right now . (not that you are 'together', but that's another story). She's quilty of the two biggest offenses: laziness and entitlement . While everybody goes through down periods, this is not something worth dealing with unless she acknowledges that it is an issue and puts some effort into it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 Has anyone been with someone who used to act this way and turned out just fine when it came to the relationship itself? If it's a perceived incompatibility now, it will be in the future. Expect this. It's kinda like sex. If you were perceiving her (assumed for example) lack of interest in sex as a negative now, do you think, in the future, she'd become interested in sex and the current negative turn positive? What does your red-flag-o-meter say about that? IMO, none of her red-flags should make any real difference to you until you have real world interaction. Further, I'd limit any 'serious' online talk until you've met in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 I agree with you all completely. I guess my question is how to bring this potential issue up in case it happens IRL. Or would it be better to keep quiet until we meet first and then discuss it if it becomes an issue? I mean she DID take a good step in applying for a job. She's never worked before, so there is a chance that she is willing to make efforts given enough discussion. My problem right now is how to bring this up and how to properly discuss it given the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I guess my question is how to bring this potential issue up in case it happens IRL. Or would it be better to keep quiet until we meet first and then discuss it if it becomes an issue? I tell you what. Meet her, date her 5 times, and if you have concerns, then come back and you will get some very good advice. Otherwise, this is entirely pointless to ask advice about someone you've never met and are not involved with. I mean, it's like asking what you should do if the sun doesn't come up tomorrow. Worry about it when it happens. Stick with reality. It's not a bad place to be... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 Depends on who you ask Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Alright now I am genuinely confused. I tried to subtley tease an answer out of her. Her: "What are you up to?" Me: "Just cooking myself some dinner." "Aw, that's cute :P" "How is it cute?" "That you're cooking for yourself, of course" "Unfortunately all I can make for myself is chicken and noodles :/ " "Aw, I'd cook for you" Alright, so supposedly she would not cook for herself but she would cook for me? Genuinely confused. Link to post Share on other sites
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 What did I tell you earlier? People do the most unexpected things when they fall hard for someone and out of the love they feel. You have no idea what this girl is capable of until you meet her, and she is in a position to actually show you in actions what she is all about. People say all kinds of things, pay no attention to what people say, pay attention to what they do. Essentially why we have been suggesting stop fantasizing and make this real. Words are meaningless, they form a picture but the actions is what makes words come to life. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkestDreams Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Today she just bought a bag, another makeup bag, a face wash, a cream, and two lipsticks. I've gotta say something. This is really bothering me. I just don't know how. Why do you have to say something? She's not spending your money after all. If she should answer to anyone, it should be her parents who provide for her. As a woman, having to explain myself on such an issue to a perfect stranger would be quite disturbing. I do agree that her behaviour points to some red flags, but you should be more interested in finding her opinion on how she would behave towards her boyfriend. The child-parents dynamic is quite a different matter. I don't have a problem when my parents pay for certain things, because we're part of a family after all, but I most definitely wouldn't accept the same from a man. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I think you are well deluded, my friend. The most salient point of this entire thread IS the fact that you are living this dynamic in your head. There is no relationship. You are carrying on like you are actually involved with this person, when, for all you know, she could be a 55 year old dude living in his mothers basement playing WOW all day and playing with his voice machine. Yes, MANY people meet online. BUT, they use it as a tool to actually MEET people. Not to carry on for weeks and months living a fantasy of being involved. Most people exchange a few emails, and then meet within a week. They don't get caught up in pure fantasy as you are. To be putting this much energy into fueling a fantasy is terribly unhealthy. I disagree. I think there are times it's just fantasy (I would know, been there) but I also know couples who were "together" months before meeting, and they are now in "real life relationships", some of them have even married, had children or are expecting etc. This includes people of ALL various ages and walks of life also. I think if two people are serious about meeting, and serious with one another about who they are, then I don't see what's so fantasy about it, if you meet and don't click etc. It wasn't a waste, it's no different than any kind of "Real life" relationship where you reach a point that you realise you aren't compatible. Also, I am now in a deluded fantasy . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Also, again, I repeat, I've done it once before. It's very much "real." Of course, it is much more personal once you meet, but that doesn't make everything beforehand somehow fake or deluded fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix, the people who are going to think it's unhealthy/fantastical/deluded/ridiculous/desperate/not going to work, are going to think it anyway. I think this is about the 4th or 5th time I've seen you defend yourself. I wouldn't worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Also, again, I repeat, I've done it once before. It's very much "real." Of course, it is much more personal once you meet, but that doesn't make everything beforehand somehow fake or deluded fantasy. So, mindful of the red flags, take the risk in a couple months and get back to us with the results Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Hey Prolix, none of us are real, so don't worry about public opinion! Just ask her what you want to ask her. "Hi Fantasy, I've been wondering about something. Would you consider yourself high-maintenance?" Okay, okay, I'm kidding, well....kinda'... I think you're pussy-footing around with questions. Just get direct with her. If you want to continue dancing around the issue, you had the perfect opportunity when she said she would cook for you, to tease her back about being unable to cook. Of course this would make her list some things, if you handle it right. Even in real life, meeting and dating someone, it takes awhile to get to know them. It's not as if this great bolt of lightening hits you, that yes, oh yes, the meet and greet gave me complete insight to a person's true character! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 She officially just started asking me for stuff. I'm pulling the plug on this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 What kind of stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 "what's up" "i'm coding, enjoying my warm clothes from the laundry" "I want one!" "Nope, they're mine *mmm*" ":(:(:( please?" "you want to join in the snuggle?" "can i wear your shirt? :D" "Why do you ask?" "Because I like big shirts. Send me one?" "Haha what, lol I kinda need my shirts" "Get me a new one then lol" "O.o" "Hehe. Please?" "Noo I need my clothes!" "Hmmmm. Fine." Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Well I guess some might see red flags where I see flirting. Wanna let an old man have a go at her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Am I looking too much into this? I knew she was going to ask me for SOMETHING at some point. I just knew it. And I'm not giving up my shirts! I really do need them... I don't have a whole lot, lol. Again I pay for all my own stuff. I need every shirt I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Prolix, she's flirting with you... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 See, she's not even old Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 I am just cursed I think. All I find is that all girls want material things from me all the time. I would never have the nerve to demand material things from someone else. My last girlfriend totally cleaned me out. I don't want to make that mistake again. How is that flirting? "Okay I'm gonna give you a shirt" -- now I'm down a shirt. It's not just harmless flirting as there's material transaction going on here "Send me money ps I am flirting" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 LOL, dude, I can't help but laugh over flirting about a shirt. Witness my empty house and my wife's new full one. That's what a cleanout is about. Shirts are nothing. Tell her you want to sleep in it first before you send it to her. Then tell her how you want to sleep in it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 As a college student who pays for everything, shirts are expensive for me. Ivy League is not cheap. Paying for everything is not cheap :/ It's not like I've developed a stable life for myself yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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