Separated and in Love with Twin Flame

[pberb]

I was married for 9 years, but I divorced 4 years ago and am now ready for another serious relationship. My ex-wife and I have two children - 11 and 9. After our first son was born, her life slowly became nothing but watching TV, staying on the internet all night long and then sleeping all day. If it wasn't for me, the kids would have eaten candy for breakfast 7 days a week. My ex-wife became addicted to AOL chat rooms (in combination with her smoking) and started meeting men online and eventually flying off to visit them in person. She swears that every affair was emotional only, but I've never believed that. I helped her to see a Psychiatrist, and he basically told her that she needed to grow up, and thought I should be seeing him for staying in a relationship with such an irresponsible woman.

 

Anyway, my ex's last emotional affair was the last straw for me. She moved into her parent’s house and she has custody of our children. She is on medication for epilepsy and the only reason she has the children is because I know her parents step in with care giving when she falls short (which is often). I see my children as often as I can (every 2 weeks) but it's difficult because I live in another city in another country now.

 

Near the end of April 2009, right out of the blue an old long-lost childhood sweetheart of mine found me on facebook. I always considered her my first love and soul mate -- more than that, I consider her my Twin Flame (google it). As we were catching up, it turned out that she had been through the same thing I have -- a very bad marriage of betrayal and mistrust with a very self-destructive partner that needed to "grow-up". We clicked instantly. She told me that several times throughout her marriage she tried to leave her husband, but could never just quite do it because of her children. I know that feeling because I stayed in my marriage far too long for the same reason. We also spoke of how our lives had gone in two separate directions and stated that if things were different we probably would have dated and even married and had children with each other.

 

I've always had a problem of moving way too fast in my relationships, and with her I made no exception. The first week of May 2009 of being united with her was like a whirl-wind. She moved out of her townhouse and into her own apartment, and separated from her husband. The month (May 2009) that followed was like a dream come true for both of us, with truly the most magical, better than any fictional storybook romance, of magnetically intense feelings of indescribable attractions on all levels (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual). We fell deeply in love.

 

The beginning of June however, reality set in. She became flooded with feelings of being lost and confused. She found herself trying to sort through all her feelings at once. She became disappointed in herself for allowing herself to ignore her intuition and rush into things so fast. When she's with me it was easy for her to lose sight of what she really should be doing. Only when she's alone is she able to think properly about everything (her children, mine, her marriage, her and I). She had so much anxiety about whether she was doing the right thing that she hadn't been able to feel all of these feelings because her energy had been transferred to us and our childhood feelings. She hadn’t had time to rationally think about what it is that she truly wants because she had been completely wrapped up in a fantasy with me, and we weren't being realistic at all. Everything she felt was confirmed when her oldest son began to act up and she had to sit with him alone for a couple hours talking about how he felt, and he said “Mommy why is <INSERT MY NAME HERE> more important than me and <INSERT HIS BROTHER'S NAME HERE> ?”. Of course she told him that wasn’t true, but he was right for thinking that because she hadn’t given her children the one-on-one attention they deserved since her and I started talking.

 

Last week she experienced one the hardest of nights she ever had in a truly long time. It was the first night the children approached her about why her and her husband are not together, and it turned into a very long night of crying and reassuring, watching her youngest son weep about missing his father and not understanding why "Mommy and Daddy" wont be living together anymore, and that broke her that night. She watched her son fall asleep crying, and felt that they blamed her for every thing that has gone on. That night she truly was in a very dark place and was unsure how to deal with the situation. She knew she'd find clarity and be able to take this stuff on eventually, but for now she's searching.

 

She now knows that she has to leave the children out of this right now, meaning that she doesn't think it's appropriate for her and I to speak around them, because she believes it is really confusing them. She also doesn't think it’s right for her to have a relationship with another man while her children are so young. She wants to live her life selflessly for them, and then she wants to find herself again, and she wants to do that alone. She now realizes that she has been leaning on me too much. She has been using me to help get her through all of this, and not doing it on her own. She contemplated how fast we moved and how we completely jumped past friendship to lovers, and she said that maybe that is what she needed at the time, but that she needs to refocus on herself, and she can't do that when she's in contact with me. She married very young, and never had the opportunity to really date as a single person, and she says that she also wants the opportunity to do that now so that she won't later have any regrets about never having done that. She's not looking for a serious relationship, only to go out to the bars and nightclubs as a single woman with her girlfriends sometimes and have some fun. And let whatever happens, happens -- without feeling guilty.

 

Two days ago we mutually thought it best if I stay completely out of her life and have no further contact with her until such time she thinks she's ready and contacts me. This is extremely painful for us both to say the least. For her because she has so much to deal with and work through. For me knowing that she might go on casual dates with other men for fun with the possibility of sex if she says there's a spark. She's not saying she WILL have sex with other men, but she just doesn't want to 100% rule out that chance like she says she'd have to if we were together.

 

All advice is welcomed and appreciated.

[Thornton]

If it was so painful for her, she wouldn't be doing it. If she loved you so much, she would be happy just being with you, and she wouldn't want to date around and have casual relationships. Also it's ridiculous if she really thinks that women with young kids shouldn't have relationships - I know quite a few single mothers who date, and in general they would prefer to meet a man while their kids are young enough to accept him as a father figure, rather than trying to introduce a man into their lives years later when they're older and used to having their mother to themselves. In other words, this woman is talking a load of bollox, and is making excuses not to be with you.

 

The fact is, she used you to support her while she was lonely and struggling, and now she's feeling better she wants to get on with her life as a single woman -a life which does not include YOU. She wants to date, she just doesn't want to date YOU. She wants sex, just not with YOU. I am very doubtful about whether this woman is your Twin Flame, as you believe she is - if she was truly your other half she wouldn't treat you like total and utter crap, to be scraped off her shoe once she's done with you. Be glad you got rid of her so soon, and move on and find a woman who actually wants to be with you.

[seibert253]

Hate to put it this way but she used you as the crutch, to walk out of her marriage. Remember this, you are getting things from her perspective. How do you know what she's telling you about her marriage is true? Judging by her actions, using you to "help" her with the courage to leave her husband and children, then kicking you to the curb to go clubbing and being "single" again, doesn't show me much about her character as a wife, mother, and person for that fact.

IMO you are better off forgeting her, moving on, and letting her fall flat on her face.

To put her own interests in front of those of her family sounds extremely selfish to me.

Run Forest, Run.

[pberb]

Thank you both very much for your comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I'm afraid you're mistaken about her character. She is a very selfless type of person who loves me very, very much. I knew her before and I've gotten to know her very well again the past couple months. She is not the type to "kick anyone to the curb." Her main focus right now isn't to go clubbing and drinking (she's not even a drinker) -- that's a very small occasional part of something that she wants to experience that she never has before to help her through this difficult part of her life.

 

Unfortunately it's not as easy as her wanting to be with me, which she does very much. It's a matter of priorities, mainly right now her children. Having me in the picture right now is causing them and subsequently her a lot of problems. Her focus is #1 - to be the best mother she can be to her children, #2- to find herself again, and #3 - take some time to be a single woman that she never had the chance to ever be, and she wants to be independent and do all this alone without "using me as a crutch". I'll explain her marriage in more detail..

 

In her heart, her marriage ended long before we were reunited. She made a mistake and should not have married the man she did in the first place. She married very young (she was 17) without ceremony and only because she accidentally got pregnant and she thought marrying him was the right thing to do at the time. She married the wrong person and her marriage was never any good.

 

The man she married has always and continually to this day manipulates her, humiliates her, disrespects her, and cheated on her several times, and has severe alcohol and drug addictions that he refuses to deal with. He has now moved in with an old ex-girlfriend. He has no place of his own because he has no job, no money, and no vehicle because he recently got drunk and totaled his truck. He's done this before in the past, and as sad as it is, he does it for attention.

 

When she met him, he had criminal records for armed robbery. He is extremely and always has been irresponsible and acts like a child, and she acts like a mother to him, looking after and supporting him just like her own children. It was her that kept her family together, in all ways. She is an extremely selfless person, and feels tremendous guilt for leaving him and moving on. She's been acting like a martyr. But she's come to realize that this is not what a marriage is supposed to be, and wants to finally do what she's tried to for years -- end it now.

[carhill]

As someone who has experienced some of this, I would suggest, unless you know the H personally, that you take her revelations with a grain of skeptical salt. This is classic emotional tampon behavior, where the more fantastic the claims, the more likely they are to elicit an emotional response.

 

If it was so painful for her, she wouldn't be doing it. If she loved you so much, she would be happy just being with you, and she wouldn't want to date around and have casual relationships.

 

Hate to put it this way but she used you as the crutch, to walk out of her marriage.

 

I would concur with these perceptions. Sorry

 

Lastly, when a woman of certain psychological setpoints becomes aware a man is emotionally invested in her (longlost childhood sweetheart stuff, revisited), she will use this to her advantage; such a situation is where you need to aggressively rely on her actions supporting and matching her words and deciding if that truth is healthy for you.

[TrustInYourself]

Thank you both very much for your comments and advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I'm afraid you're mistaken about her character. She is a very selfless type of person who loves me very, very much. I knew her before and I've gotten to know her very well again the past couple months. She is not the type to "kick anyone to the curb." Her main focus right now isn't to go clubbing and drinking (she's not even a drinker) -- that's a very small occasional part of something that she wants to experience that she never has before to help her through this difficult part of her life.

 

Unfortunately it's not as easy as her wanting to be with me, which she does very much. It's a matter of priorities, mainly right now her children. Having me in the picture right now is causing them and subsequently her a lot of problems. Her focus is #1 - to be the best mother she can be to her children, #2- to find herself again, and #3 - take some time to be a single woman that she never had the chance to ever be, and she wants to be independent and do all this alone without "using me as a crutch". I'll explain her marriage in more detail..

 

In her heart, her marriage ended long before we were reunited. She made a mistake and should not have married the man she did in the first place. She married very young (she was 17) without ceremony and only because she accidentally got pregnant and she thought marrying him was the right thing to do at the time. She married the wrong person and her marriage was never any good.

 

The man she married has always and continually to this day manipulates her, humiliates her, disrespects her, and cheated on her several times, and has severe alcohol and drug addictions that he refuses to deal with. He has now moved in with an old ex-girlfriend. He has no place of his own because he has no job, no money, and no vehicle because he recently got drunk and totaled his truck. He's done this before in the past, and as sad as it is, he does it for attention.

 

When she met him, he had criminal records for armed robbery. He is extremely and always has been irresponsible and acts like a child, and she acts like a mother to him, looking after and supporting him just like her own children. It was her that kept her family together, in all ways. She is an extremely selfless person, and feels tremendous guilt for leaving him and moving on. She's been acting like a martyr. But she's come to realize that this is not what a marriage is supposed to be, and wants to finally do what she's tried to for years -- end it now.

 

She cheated on her husband for you. You are blind.

[2sure]

She's not saying she WILL have sex with other men, but she just doesn't want to 100% rule out that chance like she says she'd have to if we were together.

 

Regardless of her reasons, which possibly were geared to not hurt your feelings - the bottom line is:

 

She has decided she would like to date other people. She told you she does not want a commitment to you and that she wants to be free to have sex with others should she choose to do so.

 

You are heartbroken and I feel for you.

She broke up with you. She wants to date, just not you.

 

You enjoyed the fantasy of reuniting with your " Twin Flame".

She enjoyed it also, but recognizes it for what it was.

By not accepting her words and actions at face value, you are continuing in a fantasy...she has left.

 

You can feel better, but you need to face what it is you are trying to get over.

[530 Guy]

Yeah sorry, man. I've got to agree with everyone else, she used you.

[Thornton]

I don't have a problem with her wanting to end a bad marriage, and be a good mother, and find herself - but I do have a problem with the suggestion that this is something she cannot do while you are in her life. It is perfectly possible to be a good mother and put your kids first while still maintaining a healthy relationship with a nice man.

 

I also find it difficult to understand this statement you made: "She's not saying she WILL have sex with other men, but she just doesn't want to 100% rule out that chance like she says she'd have to if we were together." Um... why would sex have to be ruled out if you were together? How is it ok for her to have sex with other men but not to have sex with you? Sorry, but it sounds like a load of nonsense to me.

 

The fact is, you were around when she needed someone but she doesn't really love you. Why would she want to experience being a "single woman" if she thought she had found her soulmate? I know many people who met their partner when they were teenagers and have never played the field, but they don't care because they're in love with their partner. A person only wants to date around if they're still looking for Mr/Ms Right, nobody throws away someone they really love just to experience being a "single woman". Sorry, but she does not love you, and the sooner you accept that the better.

[pberb]

Thanks for all the advice everyone.

 

When I said that she's not saying she will have sex with other men, but she just doesn't want to 100% rule out that chance like she says she'd have to if we were together, I meant that she wouldn't be able to have sex with other men if she was with me due to loyalty. She feels it's only okay to have sex with me if we are in a relationship because we wouldn't be able to have casual sex because our feelings are too intense. It is this intensity she's not ready for right now.

 

You wrote something that really hit home for me that I'm having trouble getting past, because I agree...

 

"Many people meet their partner when they were teenagers and have never played the field, but they don't care because they're in love with their partner. A person only wants to date around if they're still looking for Mr/Ms Right, nobody throws away someone they really love just to experience being a "single woman".

 

She wants to experience being single because she wants to deal with all her issues by herself right now and she's not ready to be in a relationship.

 

But I'll discuss what you said with her and ask her again if she still truly deeply loves me or not. If she says she does, I'll ask her why she wants to "throw me away" to experience being single.

[Thornton]

So she wants to get her head straight and find herself before she can commit to a relationship; I can understand that. But I can't understand why this process has to involve dating or having sex with other men. Why can't she say "Pberb, I love you but I need some time to sort myself out, please give me six months and then if you're still willing we can try again". This would mean she loves you and doesn't want any other guy, but genuinely needs time for herself before she can commit to you.

 

The fact that she wants other guys is what raises a red flag for me... basically she wants sex with other men, so she can't be in a relationship with you because that would make her unable to have sex with other men. In other words, she wants to date and sleep around more than she wants to be with you, and she's willing to throw away your relationship forever just so she can experience that. That doesn't sound like someone who loves you, who wants to be with you and only you, does it?

[2sure]

She wants to break up with you nicely but basically you won't let her.

I once had a man make and bring me a PIE chart showing all the areas and reasons why a life with him would work.

 

You want to hear her say the words and thats fair.

[seibert253]

I've re-read all of this and have come to this conclusion. Might be wrong, but I think I got it this time;

She married early and feels she "missed out" on being single. Now because of the totality of circumstances, bad marriage (at least in her view), curiosity, confusion about her feelings toward you, have lead her to want to escape.

 

If her marriage is that bad, and her husband is a POS and doesn't want to change to fix their marriage, then yeah by all means she has a right to go. But, and only if she's exhausted all means and it cannot be repaired.

You being in the picture, and being involved in an affair with her, yes it is an affair, has fogged her thinking.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again, she's using you as a crutch to help walk her through this. Your relationship is also giving her justification in her feelings. IMO she's being pulled in two opposite directions, the direction she should be going, and the direction she "wants" to go.

 

It troubles me that if she truely loves you as much as you think, she would make any statement about being with other guys. If she was truely in love, she would want to be with no one but you, and would move heaven and earth to do so. No matter what her current situation is. IMO she's using you to get through this, and to keep you around as a backup while she "sows her oats". I think she thinks, well as long as X is around I can do this, that, and the other, then I can come back to X, because I know he'll wait around. Don't fool yourself here, many women and men, use this philosophy.

 

IMO you're way over you head and need to step away and evaluate what's going on. You've got a skewed view of this because of your emotional attachment. We are looking at this objectively, from the outside in.

 

Here's what you can do to figure out her intentions. Remove yourself from her and this situation. Tell her you have some concerns about all this, and the two of you need to take a break from each other to figure this out. Then go NC for a time. It will suck because you are in love with her and she may be in love with you. Seperation will make the heart grow fonder, if this is where she is at.

[lostsoulmate]

Patience is a vitrue.

 

Please realize that she may have the same feelings for you, but as a mother (and from what you have said about her character) being selfish and doing what is right for herself is very hard. Even if it is the best thing for the children.

 

If she needs to have space to find herself and to understand what she really wants in her life, let her have the space.

 

It's like the old saying, if you love "it" set it free... if it is meant to be "it" will come back to you.

 

Until the time comes when you both can talk about what is happening, keep your head up.

 

Live your life, it is too short to spend it worrying about if the love is real.

 

If it is, it is.... if it's not, it's not. It truly is that simple.

[boldjack]

Pherb old buddy, You need to pay attention to WHAT she is saying, not HOW she says it. She doesn't want to have sex with you because it's too intense? Have you ever heard of anyone breaking up because the sex was too intense? She wants to have casual sex, period. She wants to be a single woman, and wants to find someone else. She is trying to let you down easy, both to salve her guilt and to save your feelings. She is also leaving the door open, just in case she needs you as a backup. This woman does not love or respect you as a man. Forget about her and find somebody new, who will love you, for you. Forget about the past. You tried to remake history and it didn't work out. It was a good try, and you gave it your best shot. Time to move on. Good Luck

[boldjack]

Pberb, I don't blame you for trying to rekindle your old love. I recently reconnected with my HS GF. I wasn't trying to turn back time, just reach an understanding about issues we had. It went very well. We were ,each, able to recapture a part of our past that we thought was lost forever, and can now have a future as friends. Maybe that's the way you should go. As friends.

[pberb]

Well folks it's over...

 

Yesterday she told me she loved me. After I told her that I feel as if her love for me has been diminishing over the past couple weeks, today I finally got her to admit that although she cares about me very much, she doesn't love me anymore like she used to. She also admitted to having been on dates with someone else. She also said today that she does not see us ever being together as a couple.

 

I really appreciated all the advice and support everyone gave here.

 

Thank you!

[boldjack]

Sorry about this, Pberb, but there are millions of women out there, and now you can go out and find a good one. Good Luck

[Thornton]

Sorry to hear that Pberb

 

At least now you won't be pining after her and thinking she's your twin flame - you know she doesn't love you, and you can move on and find someone who does. Your true soulmate is still out there waiting for you...

[pberb]

Thank you very much for your sentiments, Thornton & boldjack.

 

I have come to realize that I got involved in an "Exit Affair" with her (google it). Extremely poor decision on my part that I won't repeat. Yes, from now on I'll only be getting involved with a legally non-married, non-separated woman that's emotionally ready for a relationship.

[seibert253]

Thank you very much for your sentiments, Thornton & boldjack.

 

I have come to realize that I got involved in an "Exit Affair" with her (google it). Extremely poor decision on my part that I won't repeat. Yes, from now on I'll only be getting involved with a legally non-married, non-separated woman that's emotionally ready for a relationship.

 

This strategy seems to work best. Happy hunting my friend.