I Know We're Not The Only Ones....

[IScrewedUp]

In this situation.

Please read and give your opinion, im clueless here honestly. So many thoughts running through my head no idea where to start.

 

Im 26, my husband is 24. we've been married 1 1/2 years and have a 12 month old baby now.

 

we dated for approx. 5 months before we got married. dont give me heck on why, we just felt we wanted to spend forever together.

im an ex porn star. not a big one, but i did about 30 videos, some solo work, boy girl and girl girl work. i did about everything there is to do, even a "gangb" if ya get my drift.

anyways. i stopped doing this stuff once i met my husband...but i didnt tell him about it all, i lied and said i only did a few things, he knew i was lying and we'd fight all the time about it. i never told him all the truth, didnt want him to knwo the horrible things i did in past, wanted him to love me for the new me.

so we were broke, fighting a lot, i wasnt thinking clearly, and accepted a random offer i got in my email to go do a video. this was about 2 weeks before we were to get married. it was for a lot of money that we needed, and in my past whenever i needed money for food or bills or whatever, id go do a video, so i ignored the fact he existed and went and did it.

we got married. then found out i was already 1 month pregnant a few days later.

we got to month 7 of the pregnancy and he found out i did more porn than i originally told him, he kept looking for it online.

he left me, at 7 months pregnant and moved home which was 3000 miles away.

he found out about the cheating on him before we got married while home.

decided i needed to prove to him i could change and be good for him etc.

i completed the following tasks for him.

told my parents what i did while he listened over the phone.

i took a lie detecter test to answer questions like "did you enjoy doing porn" "did you do more" "are you still lying"

i passed the test, actually, i passed BOTH tests he gave me (and to this very day, he STILL THINKS IM LYING) the tests were done via voice analysis over the phone and both times i passed.

ive gone out of my way to please him sexually, doing things i dont want to do.

so he came back to me a few weeks before our daughter was born, and everything was cool.

he just always asked me if i liked them and if i did more.

truth is, i hated doing porn, i only did it for money, i guess i was money hungry? but i enver had fun or enjoyed myself, the men were ugly and i felt uncomfortable, but somehow i was still able to do it. and he found out everything i had done while back home. to this day there is nothing he doesnt know about now.

so here we are 1 year later....

he still thinks im lying about having enjoyed these men, he has admitted he cheated on me (had sex) with someone he met off craigslist while hwas back home and i was pregnant. he has admitted to masturbating about ex gf's, he has verbally abused me so much, telling me he doesnt love me, then yelling at me for anything he can, even if someone cuts him off while driving i get yelled at.

he wants to be able to watch porn online and jerk off to it, since i used to do porn apparently he thinks it gives him the right to look at the stuff, even if its not mine.

he constantly says he wishes he had been able to do some of the things i did, like 3 somes, etc. eventhough he used to tell me he wasnt into that sort of stuff. now it seems like he wants to be equal?

he already is the best sex ive ever had, the most attractive man i have ever been with.

all the sex i had was in porn, i only had 2 boyfriends otherwise and didnt enjoy sex with them either.

this guy has nothing to worry about now!

i worship him now. i have such a low self esteem too because i feel guilty for what i did, but at the same time, he abuses it to hurt me and get what he wants sometimes.

plus he seems to think what he did doesnt matter at all.

he thinks that because when i cheated 2 weeks before we got married, because it was on film, with 2 men its worse than when we were married, i was 7 months pregnant and he cheated on me while 3000 miles away.

i think its all bad!!!

anyways, im at my wits end.

he wont give up this whole "did u enjoy them" thing, eventhough i already proved to him on 2 lie detecter tests.

i have a huge problem with women...i think he wants them all....

im jealous of EVERYBODY, if your female, i hate your guts.

im terrified because i think they are all better than me.

he shows me barely any affection, yells at me, calls me names, etc etc, then tells me he will leave me if i dont stop being jealous of other women. he tells me he masturbated to his ex gf once because she was skinny and innocent and blah blahblah.

here i am not wanting to eat, terrified he will leave me constantly. what the hell do i do????

oh yeah, he also wants videos of himself jerkin off put on the internet so other women will watch and enjoy him and he can feel good about himself, because apparently, i never do, eventhough i praise him all the time, tell him how big he is, how he is the best, how much i love him etc. i proved this to him all with the lie test too keep in mind!

[TaraMaiden]

Nice post.

you sound like a wonderful pair of loving caring people, and I'm so thrilled your child has such well-adjusted, kind considerate and selfless parents like you.

 

 

 

 

"Get Counselling" doesn't cover it.

 

It would actually help you to use your brain and think about what you're going to do before you do it.,

Try asking:

"How will this help my baby?" before you do anything.....

 

 

Leave each other alone, and concentrate on bringing that child up properly.

Or put it up for adoption, because you both sound insane to me.

It needs a loving stable environment.

I don't see this ever happening with you two.

 

Sorry, but this truly stinks....

[JayJ]

I know love is blind but honey you married the wrong guy. If you were in porn you know that there are many successful pornstar marriages. These marriages work because the couple are 100% honest with each other right from the get go.

 

After making 30 videos did you not think he would find out sooner or later? And seeing your wife in a porn vid not knowing what her career was before you met her would be an awful shock to even the most open minded guy.

 

Sex work is a business, just a job and can be a good source of income but you have to be with a guy who's either in the business, a cameraman, editor, producer/director etc or someone you can be honest with and who knows what you do.

 

But all that aside what needs to happen is you both need to put this stuff behind you. Counseling may help by giving you some guidelines to live by to prevent the past from being brought up every time you guys have a disagreement.

 

When talking with him you have to cut out all the details and get to the basic facts- if you love each other and want to be together then you have to promise to trust each other otherwise nothing will progress.

 

What's past is past and building a future together and keeping yourselves focused on the goals you want to achieve is the best way to make it work. Make your child the focus of your lives now and make his/her well being the most important goal in your lives.

[IScrewedUp]

Nice post.

you sound like a wonderful pair of loving caring people, and I'm so thrilled your child has such well-adjusted, kind considerate and selfless parents like you.

.

 

 

Excuse me ma'am, but just because of these issues ive shared and asked others opinions on does not mean we are not loving, caring, considerate and selfless people/parents.

our daughter is being raised well, we never fight in her presence or scream at one another, we make sure she is well taken care of, she has never even been sick for gods sake. i find it extremely rude of you to assume these things about us. perhaps you just dont like me for being an ex porn star, or the fact that my husband has some issues. well too damn bad lady.

 

in fact, you rude little snot....our 11 month 3 week old daughter is saying "apple" "doggy" and "milk" although they dont sound perfect, because we spend time with her EVERYDAY using flashcards, watching educational shows and playing with her, she is a very happy baby, would you like to see the pictures of her smiling constantly with us?

next time you make such a rude comment, think first. i hope you dont give anyone else advice, you obviously dont know what your talking about.

i asked for advice on the situation with my husband, not with my child.

dont you dare say anything back about my daughter not being raised well. we are not scumbag white trash people, we just have an odd situation we are dealing with quietly, it does not affect our daughter and how we treat or love her in any way.

[NoIDidn't]

I do not agree with sex work as a legitimate "job", but that's besides the point here.

 

You consider the "job" you did two weeks before your marriage "cheating"?

 

I thought it was just work.

 

I don't see this R as lasting if you aren't willing to give up your "job" and if he isn't willing to have a W with that particular occupation.

 

Are you going to stop taking porn work? Because, if not, he's not likely to want to stay married to you.

[seibert253]

I don't say this out of hate or meaness but I shall be blunt;

You both are very immature and need a lot of growing up to do. What kind of examples are both of you setting for your child?

Porn, cheating, lieing, Gang play, man sounds like something out of a Jerry Springer show.

Both of you need to cut your losses and move on. Neither one of you is good for the other. Too many negative resources and history between you.

You do sound like you see the light, and agree that your stupid choices in the past were wrong. But, what's done is done. No matter how bad you want to go back and redue or fix what you did, you cannot. Want to get to where you want to be? First you need to forgive yourself. Then you need to seperate yourself from the negativity of your husband and start anew.

With your next relationship, start with honesty. If someone truely loves you, they will accept your past mistakes.

[HsMomma]

in fact, you rude little snot....our 11 month 3 week old daughter is saying "apple" "doggy" and "milk" although they dont sound perfect, because we spend time with her EVERYDAY using flashcards, watching educational shows and playing with her, she is a very happy baby, would you like to see the pictures of her smiling constantly with us?

next time you make such a rude comment, think first. i hope you dont give anyone else advice, you obviously dont know what your talking about.

i asked for advice on the situation with my husband, not with my child.

dont you dare say anything back about my daughter not being raised well. we are not scumbag white trash people, we just have an odd situation we are dealing with quietly, it does not affect our daughter and how we treat or love her in any way.

 

Ok, THAT was uncalled for, ISU - you need to understand something. When you come to a forum like LS, you will get HONESTY (which may sometimes not be what you want to hear). If you can't handle that, then you've come to the wrong place. Name calling is not only unnecessary, it's counter-productive. You say you came here looking for advice about your husband & what Tara was commenting on was the entire situation.

 

If you came on here only to stir things up, you're off to a wonderful start!

 

As far as things with your husband, if you really want this marriage to work (both of you), counseling is very obviously the first step. Only once all the issues are out on the table with a neutral party can you begin the work it will take to make this marriage do-able.

[NoIDidn't]

My god. One has to wonder if this one calls her child a "rude little snot". I totally missed that only responding to the OP.

 

Wow!

 

[HsMomma]

My god. One has to wonder if this one calls her child a "rude little snot". I totally missed that only responding to the OP.

 

Wow!

 

 

As my dear, departed Dad would say, "A-o-mazing!"

[2sure]

Well as you probably already have figured out about yourself...

Women with low self esteem are often drawn to porn.

AND doing porn will lower yourself esteem.

 

So, you were probably at a low point already when you started the porn, and if not certainly when you were done. Having not enjoyed it at all and only having done it for the money probably makes you feel pretty crappy too.

 

A woman with low self esteem is completely vulnerable to hooking up with a man that is an abusive predator. And thats what you've got. He was a predator before he met you. With or without the porn - he is the type that is attracted to women he can control and abuse. The porn and the guilt is all just an added attraction.

 

Yep, you cheated on him. He cheated on you. Degree doesnt really matter in infidelity. That is not the problem here.

 

So, you have changed. Your a mom now. You have to take care of yourself. You stay with him and are jealous of him because your self esteem is lower than ever.

 

You have to bail. Take your kid and get out. Stop being his victim and a victim of yourself. You are paid in full.

[TaraMaiden]

In this situation.

Please read and give your opinion,

 

I did this.

 

 

anyways. i stopped doing this stuff once i met my husband...but i didnt tell him about it all, i lied and said i only did a few things, he knew i was lying and we'd fight all the time about it. i never told him all the truth, didnt want him to knwo the horrible things i did in past

,

You're the one who sounds as if you're ashamed of wjat you did here. Frankly, I don't care at all that you were a porn star. I have two very good friends who still are. they're amazing.

so we were broke, fighting a lot, i wasnt thinking clearly, and accepted a random offer i got in my email to go do a video

This is another admission of foolishness....

 

. this was about 2 weeks before we were to get married. it was for a lot of money that we needed, and in my past whenever i needed money for food or bills or whatever, id go do a video, so i ignored the fact he existed and went and did it.

That's just plain selfish....

 

 

we got to month 7 of the pregnancy and he found out i did more porn than i originally told him, he kept looking for it online.

he left me, at 7 months pregnant and moved home which was 3000 miles away.

here beginneth the dysfunction....

 

 

he found out about the cheating on him before we got married while home.

decided i needed to prove to him i could change and be good for him etc.

i completed the following tasks for him.

told my parents what i did while he listened over the phone.

i took a lie detecter test to answer questions like "did you enjoy doing porn" "did you do more" "are you still lying"

i passed the test, actually, i passed BOTH tests he gave me (and to this very day, he STILL THINKS IM LYING) the tests were done via voice analysis over the phone and both times i passed.

More dysfunction, mistrust, and disrespect.

 

ive gone out of my way to please him sexually, doing things i dont want to do

.

Major dysfunction and disrespect... Nobody should ever have to do this for somebody else. It's way out of line....

 

(. . .)

so here we are 1 year later....

he still thinks im lying about having enjoyed these men, he has admitted he cheated on me (had sex) with someone he met off craigslist while hwas back home and i was pregnant. he has admitted to masturbating about ex gf's, he has verbally abused me so much, telling me he doesnt love me, then yelling at me for anything he can, even if someone cuts him off while driving i get yelled at.

And you'd like me to believe that your daughter is never presenmt during these exchanges, huh....?

he wants to be able to watch porn online and jerk off to it, since i used to do porn apparently he thinks it gives him the right to look at the stuff, even if its not mine

.

major disrespect and mental abuse....

 

he constantly says he wishes he had been able to do some of the things i did, like 3 somes, etc. eventhough he used to tell me he wasnt into that sort of stuff. now it seems like he wants to be equal?

This is not affection, it's revenge.....

 

i worship him now. i have such a low self esteem too because i feel guilty for what i did, but at the same time, he abuses it to hurt me and get what he wants sometimes.

So you see it too, huh? Always alone of course. never with your child within earshot.....

 

plus he seems to think what he did doesnt matter at all.

he thinks that because when i cheated 2 weeks before we got married, because it was on film, with 2 men its worse than when we were married, i was 7 months pregnant and he cheated on me while 3000 miles away.

i think its all bad!!!

The guy needs a definite seeing-to with a size 12 boot in the nuts.

Again,my opinion.....

 

anyways, im at my wits end.

he wont give up this whole "did u enjoy them" thing, eventhough i already proved to him on 2 lie detecter tests.

He sounds more and more charming by the minute....

 

 

i have a huge problem with women...i think he wants them all....

im jealous of EVERYBODY, if your female, i hate your guts.

yes, that had me warming to you immediately. Given that the majortiy of posters here are women, I think that's a bit rich....

 

he shows me barely any affection, yells at me, calls me names, etc etc, then tells me he will leave me if i dont stop being jealous of other women. he tells me he masturbated to his ex gf once because she was skinny and innocent and blah blahblah.

This is getting dangerously abusive....

here i am not wanting to eat, terrified he will leave me constantly. what the hell do i do????

well, I'd leave him first, naturally....

 

oh yeah, he also wants videos of himself jerkin off put on the internet so other women will watch and enjoy him and he can feel good about himself, because apparently, i never do, eventhough i praise him all the time, tell him how big he is, how he is the best, how much i love him etc. i proved this to him all with the lie test too keep in mind!

I'd have already left, actually......

 

Excuse me ma'am, but just because of these issues ive shared and asked others opinions on does not mean we are not loving, caring, considerate and selfless people/parents.

Show me in any of the above, where I would get the impression that you are? What have you said above, that would convince me?

 

our daughter is being raised well, we never fight in her presence or scream at one another, we make sure she is well taken care of, she has never even been sick for gods sake

.

I don't dispute that she's never been sick. That's not the issue here. Please know - I have a history off working with teroubled kids, whose parents are all convinced they could not possibly be at the root of their children's issues. Have you any idea just how children process what they hear and see...?Eben if you really believe she's not being affected - I would bet my whole reputation on the fact that she is.....

 

i find it extremely rude of you to assume these things about us. perhaps you just dont like me for being an ex porn star, or the fact that my husband has some issues. well too damn bad lady.

Like I said - the fact you were into porn is not the issdue and I never said it was, and frankly i don't care. But to label your husband as having 'some issues' is like saying the Klu Klux Clan are a bit unfriendly towards coloured people.....

 

in fact, you rude little snot....our 11 month 3 week old daughter is saying "apple" "doggy" and "milk" although they dont sound perfect, because we spend time with her EVERYDAY using flashcards, watching educational shows and playing with her, she is a very happy baby, would you like to see the pictures of her smiling constantly with us?

No.

I'd like to see you safe and happy on your own, not living with that man who's a heck of a lot more of a rude little snot than I am.

 

next time you make such a rude comment, think first. i hope you dont give anyone else advice, you obviously dont know what your talking about.

Actually, I know plenty and a lot more than you'd think. You come on here, with a story straight out of a Jerry Springer programme and expect.... what? Sweetness, gentleness and light?

You told it like it is. I answered like it is.

 

i asked for advice on the situation with my husband, not with my child.

THis whole thing concerns your child. Don't you see that? You are bringing her up in a toxic, damaging environment, and he is not good for you or her.

 

dont you dare say anything back about my daughter not being raised well. we are not scumbag white trash people, we just have an odd situation we are dealing with quietly, it does not affect our daughter and how we treat or love her in any way.

 

"odd situation you are dealing with quietly...."? That's one way of putting it....

Trust me.

It IS AFFECTING YOUR DAUGHTER and it will continue to affect her until you remove her form this sadistic malicious, manipulative, immature and abusive man.

 

felt I should come back here. That rude little snot comment was just too wrong to let pass.....

 

Thank you for reading.

Good luck.

You're going to need it.

[HsMomma]

That rude little snot comment was just too wrong to let pass.....

 

 

I thought so, too, Tara - that's why I called her on it.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you, Hsmomma, I appreciate it, I really do. That's kind of you.

 

 

Those who know me well, IScrewedUp, know I sometimes shoot from the hip.

 

But I got your attention, and made you mad.

 

That's actually a good thing.

 

Now aim it where it's most deserved.

At him.

And leave.

[HsMomma]

Thank you, Hsmomma, I appreciate it, I really do. That's kind of you.

 

 

Those who know me well, IScrewedUp, know I sometimes shoot from the hip.

 

 

Wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it, Tara. I may not have been here all that long, but I've been here long enough to take offense when someone is getting called names & they don't deserve it.

 

Bouncing bunny to ya, Tara!

[girl68]

What gets me is after all that horrible things he does and has done... you "worship" him. I'm going to take a stab and say that's because you don't think you deserve any better. And you don't... unless you've changed. You lied, and you cheated. You've since corrected those wrongs... and are trying to do what's right.

 

Right is: getting counselling for your low self esteem. It's affecting your whole outlook on the situation. Then get couples counselling. His verbal abuse, revenge and guilt need to be addressed. Right is accepting that you child is directly and heavily impacted on everything that happens in your house. She might not know now... but in 2 years I assure you she'll be asking "why does daddy hate mommy so much?". Kids are not as stupid and naive as adults think they are. I know I was one of them. I remember much of what mommy and daddy thought "oh, don't worry about they kids... they don't get it". Yeah, we do.

[redtail]

etc...

Thank you for reading.

Good luck.

You're going to need it.

 

Holy crap, if that isn't the best post (and advise) I've read in a long time, I don't know what is!

 

You're awesome!

[lkjh]

Sounds like he wants to compete with your past and that he is bitter about it. Marriage and family is about being open and honest, you started out your marriage with a big lie and it will take a lot of work getting over it.

 

You two need some serious work and from here on out everything should be about your child. She will be exposed to a lot of the things you guys have done and you need to make every discussion you make about her. Even if it is the cloths you wear.

 

I know a lot of people will bash this but I think in cases like yours where the people have some self respect issues, the best thing to do is turn to religion and exercise. religion can make people strong and give them faith. Exercise can build your confidence and make you feel good about yourself.

 

Find a local religion institution that you can associate yourself with and see of they offer counseling. See if your H will want to take part in this and see if he is up for a work out plan. When I say exercise I mean something outside, if you run on a treadmill....start outside.

 

You two need to figure something out especially for your little girl

[JayJ]

What gets me is after all that horrible things he does and has done... you "worship" him. I'm going to take a stab and say that's because you don't think you deserve any better

 

Porn stars always end up with creepy dudes. Ironic when there are a zillion nice guys who would happily worship the ground she walks on.

[1Angel]

I don't agree with your career choices that's my opinion.

Please take your child, leave this man and get counseling. You are human like everyone else. You can move on from this and find a healthy satisfying relationship.

[Gamine]

My heart goes out to you. It truly does. I don't know if I have ever read anything so sad in my entire life. I wonder if men watching porn ever think about the lives of the women behind the video... their experiences... what it has cost them.

 

There is someone in this world who can love you as you need and deserve to be loved... and yes, respected. I don't care what you've done. The past is the past and it sounds as if you truly love your baby. Be a good mama and raise your child to be okay with themselves.

 

Your husband has apparently gone insane over this and either he can handle it or he cannot. If he cannot, please leave him. You do not deserve to be abused for what you've done in your past and frankly should be able to be free of it if that is what you wish. Your husband's behavior is abusive and very degrading... and there is a violent angry undertone to it. He is not a man who can uplift your life... and while you may love him and the child you created... you must be realistic. He is tormenting you and is behaving very cruel. God doesn't want this for you because God doesn't want his children to be sad and unhappy. Remember that and do whatever you need to in order to make a life that you can be proud of having lived. If your husband is unwilling to get professional help and move forward then I think the best thing for you would be to leave him. You are undeserving of abuse.

[boldjack]

Op. I have known some pornstars in the past, and while many are into drugs and other destructive behavior, a few have moved past it and are living in normal, loving, relationships. So don't get down on yourself. The chief issue that you are facing, is trust. You lied to your H early on in your relationship, so he doesn't trust you now. Even after all you have done, he is still dealing with this issue. The Porn is his proof of your untrustworthiness. He would act the same if you had been with 1 man or 20. Both of you must seek counseling, if you are going to remain married. Both individually and as a couple. You need to focus on your self-esteem issues and he on his trust and abuse issues, and both of you on being able to let go of the past.. It will take a lot of work, but you can overcome this. If you decide that the marriage isn't worth the work and anguish, then you need to put the welfare of your daughter first, when splitting up. The most important thing to remember is, always be honest. I think that you have seen the damage lies can do. Good Luck

[Mr. Lucky]

I Know We're Not The Only Ones....

 

In this situation.

I had to laugh because the intro made me expect a run of the mill relationship story, not this tale porn-driven tale of reciprocal cheating. So I'll just say to the OP that I disagree with your premise, I think you're one of a very few in this situation...

 

Mr. Lucky