Why does it still bother me!!!!

[Arcanum]

I have been here before talking about the retroactive jealousy I suffer with in my relationship.

 

Well most of it centred around my man's values and morals which were a little lacking to say the least. But I have been doing better with those over time. But in some respects I am still having so much trouble with it all and we've been together for over a year now.

 

I know all the things I need to say to myself and say them all the time and yet my feelings can't seem to right themselves whatsoever.

 

At the moment it seems to be directed in one particular area and I'm hoping that this is what someone may be able to clarify for me just a little.

 

My guy when I met him was in a close circle of friends, one of which was a woman that he had had sexual relations with. A woman that got jealous whenever he appeared to have a new girlfriend. A woman who from the very moment she met me was rude to me.

I tried my best to be friendly and civil and even understanding of their closeness and her obvious jealousy at the beginning but it got to be too much.

Whenever we were alone she would say cutting things or ignore me or roll her eyes and mutual friends we met would be rude to me on account of what she had said to them.

After a long time of this bullying I snapped. Unfortunately I snapped publicly (online) which made me out to be the bully. She of course played dumb to everyone and I was left trying to defend my character. There is now no communication whatsoever between her and me and my boyfriend which I am pleased about. He seems not to have felt much loss but I understand things were falling apart a little after they involved sex in a friendship.

 

So after being bullied and then pretty much framed as the bully I was incredibly hurt. But then I felt incredibly angry. I hate her and what she did and I have no doubt that jealousy is in there too as she had my guy and her thing is to surround herself with fans a lot of whom dislike me without having even met me.

 

I know I shouldn't care but I do. I know I shouldn't let what happened in the past hurt me in the present but it does. I know I shouldn't still be angered and upset by what she did but I am.

How do I let go of this obsessional hatred? I can't talk about it to the only man I'm close to because he's part of the problem and I know I will push him away if I try and talk about this with him.

 

It's all been swimming in my head for so long that it feels like there are a million things I haven't said so that maybe people don't understand what I'm trying to say so please feel free to ask me about any details.

 

Thank you everyone.

[Thornton]

Just realised you said she is already out of your lives, so I'm editing my original post telling you that you need to deal with her rudeness. If it's in the past and you don't see her any more, you need to try to let it go. Perhaps you're harbouring some anger and resentment towards your bf for not defending you? Or perhaps you're kicking yourself thinking you should have stood up for yourself more? At least you've learned a valuable lesson about standing up for yourself and not accepting any crap from anyone - take the lesson and move on.

[rainbowluv_obsessed]

Oh sweety I know just how you feel. I am pretty much in the same situation as you. I'm sure the reason why it bothers us so much is bc we are insecure of ourselves, not as confidant as we should be. Who knows what other factors are helping this be hell for us. I wish I could give you an answer, I really do bc then I would have an answer for myself as well. I hope others post in this, I've read what some people have written and they are such wonderful helpers.

 

What is it that let's this bother us so much????

[TaraMaiden]

because you see yourselves as victims, not victors.

 

So everything is taken as a slight and a personal crush.

Stop looking at yourselves as having deserved this somehow, and understand that everything going on inside your heads is perpetuated by your own thinking patterns.

These people no longer figure in your lives.

But you let the energy of the circumstances continue. You keep them alive - deliberately - because to do so somehow justifies how wronged you felt.

 

But you also know it's foolish, because the moment has passed, yet here you are, still stuck in 'then'......

 

You have to see the thoughts arise.

You literally have to watch them as they enter your head.

 

And it is at that precise point - the instant that you think the negative thought about the incident - or about yourself - that you catch it, stop in your tracks and observe it.

Analyse it. Pick it to bits. And see how truly stupid it is, because it is illogical, out-of-place-and-time, and self-defeating. And you decide there and then, to not react to it.

Not feed the thoughts and respond emotionally.

You laugh at it.

Out loud.

 

Seriously.

 

You 'look' at it, ridicule it and say "oh, not you again! Are you still here? This was sooo long ago, and you're still thinking that?"

Shake your head in disbelief, then deliberately 'change the subject'.

Change the record.

And smile.

And move on.

 

Simple.

 

('Simple' doesn't mean 'easy'. But it's a start.)

[rainbowluv_obsessed]

You know what? That is true and a good way to look at things. I've told myself that before but it only worked for a short while. I guess I just have to keep pushing it. The only difference with me is that we live in the same town so I am highly bound to run into her and her friends. I'm suprised I haven't yet *knock on wood* bc just about all of my friends haved run into at some point or another. Before I was afraid to go to certain places bc I didn't want to run into them. But I'm starting to think maybe I do need to run into them. Well not really purposely run into them but more of not to avoid certain places JUST bc they hang out there to. That's not fair for me, ya know? This is a small place so there aren't that many hot spots to go party/drink at or go to college.

 

And not only that but even after all of the ex girl friend physco stuff, 3 years later all of it got brought up again all bc of damn Myspace. So we had a "war" going on there for a while with **** talking, harressment, very blunt things were said and stupidity, her phishing into my husbands account and then of course things were taken further and she called my husband at work even. Err the whole thing just really irritates me.

 

Not to mention now, AGAIN a few years later I just caught her checking out MYspace and my husbands (twice in 2 months) and she was trying to do some more **** talking towards me in her friends comments.

 

So yeah, I know my problem is that I'm also jealous of her. She has things that I want that I don't have and I let fear get into the way of. I am bi-polar and have social anxiety so things feel so much more harder for me. BUT on the other hand I am so proud of myself bc in the past 2 years I have helped myself so much and have received help and love from others, I feel so much better about myself. I'm not where I want to be but at least I'm not where I use to be. It still bothers me though that someone like her (a whooooole other long story) could be so successful yet here I am.. afraid. Not feeling so lucky. But I am not wanting pity. I do not want that!!!! Bc I am trying to work on it. I don't want to be stuck here like this forever. And it's only ME who can change that.

 

There was another thread I found that also describes my exact problem

(Obsessed with boyfriend's Ex-girlfriend!!!!) Link here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=23242

 

So I am so happy to have found that. I am not the only one.

[Softsoul]

Arcanum, I totally understand how you are feeling. My situation is a bit different than yours, yet similar in a way. My bf was in love with his female friend before we met but she turned him down, and I think he still had feelings for her when we started our relationship. When we were already in the I-love-you phase, we met her at the local mall. He introduced her as "his best friend, by far best friend" and I was just introduced by my name grr. Although she "didn't want him", she called him every single time we were together! His first "I love you" was introduced by half an hour talk about her! Once, we were at a dance class and he would have a look at his phone every five minutes - I knew it was because of her. He also hung out with her whenever he could. Then I said, ENOUGH, either you're going out for coffees with me, or with her, and the things stopped.

But I still feel pain about these things, I don't know why but I hang on to the past negative feelings about her, and I'm also blaming him for it. I hope I can let go of this one day because it's killing me.

[Dee125]

I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I never thought I would be the girl who has a hard time letting go of someone else's past. My boyfriend that I have been dating now for a year and a half was involved with a girl before me. He actually dated her years before, but they were the 'friends with benefits' type. It definitely bothered me, but I didn't mind meeting her cause she had been wanting to meet up with us. My boyfriend instead of refusing actually just blew it off. He never made attempts, which I understand, because any person would feel awkward about the situation. However, I'm the type of girl that really didn't care much about it until when **** hit the fan.

 

I started caring a lot about his past, because he talked so much negative things about this girl, yet he still kept in contact with her over the years.

One time we were at the mall, and he received a text from her. She told him she was at the mall and wanted to meet up. I was completely fine with that, but then he made the WORST comment. He said, "Well, get ready to be judged." I was like what, are you being serious right now? No guy should EVER say that to a girl. Ever since then, my self-esteem completely shattered. At that point, I told him to forget about ever meeting her for even a simple hello and bye. He became so stubborn about the situation.

 

Things started to escalate from there. As months went by, he told me he stopped talking to her. I never thought I would do this but I went on his computer one afternoon and saw chat logs. I saw that he was talking to her behind my back. I was so angry, because if I hadn't been rude and snooping around, I think I would have felt worse if I found out another way. I immediately told him what I had done. In the conversation, he typed in CAP letters asking her why he hasn't stopped by to visit him at his work place. He wasn't upset, but he at the same time, he didn't express that what he did was wrong.

 

Ever since then, things were rough. I broke up with him and then we worked things out. Arguments seem redundant these days, but I don't know what it is that keeps me from letting him go. His family and I are really close, and for me, that makes it harder for me. I have learned from all this that he is with me for many reasons and not those other past girls. But it is only human for both guys and girls to feel this way.

[Arcanum]

I'm so sorry that I didn't reply to any of you! I was under the impression that I would be alerted if someone responded and thought no one had!

 

Firstly it's a great comfort to know that other people are in the same boat as me. Since I wrote that post ....what nearly 5 months ago not much has changed.

 

I have often tried the almost cognitive behavioural approach of ignoring thoughts that pop into my head and making my self realise how little and silly they are. To be honest it makes me feel a bit stupid because these emotions do keep rising whether I belittle them or not. It can lead to the "what the hell is wrong with me" thoughts.

 

Yes this woman is out of our lives but I still feel so angered by her. She shares so many mutual friends with us. We've been blown off by some who have obviously gone to see her for something rather than attend any get together we have planned. That irks me. I know it shouldn't but it does. I'm not annoyed at them at all, just her.

And my boyfriend avoids any social gatherings we know she will attend.

That annoys me too. We sacrifice our enjoyment so she can have the time out? Part of me wants to show up and say "you know what, you tried to beat me down but I'm still here!"

 

There was a farewell party to one of our friends. We were on holiday at the time and so couldn't go. She delighted in telling people that we were not there because of her and that she wanted so much for everything to be ok she had sent us e-mails trying to make peace. We received nothing of the sort.

 

I know the old adage of "just let it go" applies but I'm afraid I don't know how to stop these feelings. I feel as though I'm not holding on to it, rather I'm trying to shake it off but it sticks something horrid.

 

Tomorrow night I am out to see a gig for a musician I love that has never played my town before. I have heard she is going to be there. And I'm worried but I don't want to back down again.

 

I will now check this post on the website rather than wait for notifications!

Thanks for reading and replying guys and girls.

[Arcanum]

I never thought I would do this but I went on his computer one afternoon and saw chat logs. I saw that he was talking to her behind my back. I was so angry, because if I hadn't been rude and snooping around, I think I would have felt worse if I found out another way. I immediately told him what I had done. In the conversation, he typed in CAP letters asking her why he hasn't stopped by to visit him at his work place. He wasn't upset, but he at the same time, he didn't express that what he did was wrong.

 

 

Dee I know exactly what you're feeling here. I too have snooped on e-mails and stuff to find out details I felt were being kept. It's a horrible guilt that is felt afterwards and yet oddly a sense of righteousness too. I know that I have nothing to hide from my loved ones and wouldn't care if they snooped on me as everything I say in e-mails I say in public. (Hence the problems with the jealous ex I guess!) I'm an out in the open person and rather people would cut all the beating round bushes and fake cloak and dagger c**p. I don't understand it in people at all.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm so sorry that I didn't reply to any of you! I was under the impression that I would be alerted if someone responded and thought no one had!

If you want to reply, and bring up a 'reply to thread' box, scroll down and look underneath it.

There is a section marked 'Thread subscription'. Scroll, select the option you want, and then click it. Then submit post.

 

 

 

I have often tried the almost cognitive behavioural approach of ignoring thoughts that pop into my head and making my self realise how little and silly they are. To be honest it makes me feel a bit stupid because these emotions do keep rising whether I belittle them or not. It can lead to the "what the hell is wrong with me" thoughts.

 

First of all, I never mentioned 'ignoring them'. Quite the opposite.

The important thing is to pay intense attention to them.

 

Secondly, the thoughts are not silly.

They are a product of an experience which left you hurt, betrayed, confused, injured, resentful and humiliated... whatever you want to call it.... but they are valid, nevertheless.

However, they are hurting you and holding you back.

 

But you should never belittle them. They are valid and they are yours.

The more you try to see them in a negative light, in the way you describe, the more you transfer these qualities to your good self.

You are not silly, stupid and there is nothing wrong with you.

All you need to do, is to train yourself to tame them.

 

Yes this woman is out of our lives but I still feel so angered by her. She shares so many mutual friends with us. We've been blown off by some who have obviously gone to see her for something rather than attend any get together we have planned. That irks me. I know it shouldn't but it does. I'm not annoyed at them at all, just her.

 

She's a sad woman, and I would suspect that any joy or sense of achievement she has over her actions is actually subconsciously fed by a great sense of personal loss and lack of self-esteem.

 

She has a gaping hole in her happiness, and thinks the only way to fill it, is to act the betrayed victim, because it earns her sympathy. But it's hard work, and such people have to have good and long memories.

hard as it may seem, it might help you to see her in the light of someone pitiful, and feel sorry for her.

Hatred and resentment towards her, simply injures you, because like a burning coal, eating away inside you.

I know it's hard, but turn it into compassion.

see her for what she truly is.

If anyone brings her up, tell them you feel sorry for her, she's a sad woman, leading a sad life, and you think she's her own worst enemy, and leave it at that.

If she sees you, look upon her with sympathy and pity.

"Nasty" people hate nothing more than people they are vilifying, being nice to them. it's disarming, unsettling and unexpected.

 

 

And my boyfriend avoids any social gatherings we know she will attend.

That annoys me too. We sacrifice our enjoyment so she can have the time out? Part of me wants to show up and say "you know what, you tried to beat me down but I'm still here!"

You should let that part of you win, some time. But strengthen yourself as I have pointed out.....

 

There was a farewell party to one of our friends. We were on holiday at the time and so couldn't go. She delighted in telling people that we were not there because of her and that she wanted so much for everything to be ok she had sent us e-mails trying to make peace. We received nothing of the sort.

Someone must have known you were on holiday.....

Worry not.... she will undo herself, one day...... Just be sure to cover your tracks, and inform people of such occurrences, then if she spreads lies, someone, at some point, will definitely pipe up, and say "Well actually, I spoke to *Arcanum* myself, and she tells me...."

 

I know the old adage of "just let it go" applies but I'm afraid I don't know how to stop these feelings. I feel as though I'm not holding on to it, rather I'm trying to shake it off but it sticks something horrid.

like I said, you can't shake them off without dealing with the issue, first. But you need to protect yourself.....

 

Tomorrow night I am out to see a gig for a musician I love that has never played my town before. I have heard she is going to be there. And I'm worried but I don't want to back down again.

Then don't.

And ignore her.

truly, she craves attention, and loves that she can unsettle you... you have to take your Power back, and deprive her of the opportunity.

[Arcanum]

Taramaiden thank you for your post (I figured out the subscribe bit after I'd written lol)

I think a lot of what you say rings true. I often think that she really is pitiful in the way she has dealt with everything and the way she seems to need everyone around her adoring her.

I have decided to go along to the gig anyway. Hopefully we won't have to see each other.

I would love to say that i would be nice to her if I saw her to unnerve her but I'm afraid I just cannot bring myself to do it. As I said I find open honesty far more important. The false smiles are what she put upon me and what I truly despise in people. I would much rather ignore her and if she tried anything tell her she's not welcome. God forbid I do anything else to strengthen her conquering of our friends.

My honesty has sometimes been to my detriment but I truly believe it to be a quality to uphold.

 

You're right about the holiday. One friend did know and he came and asked if there had been any peacemaking e-mails. I was shocked and told him no. He's now very unconvinced about her and himself has said she's a silly woman for acting that way. If anything that help me feel vilified. She has done a very good job to mar my character to a lot of people.

 

I have no disillusions whatsoever that a lot of my hatred towards her stems from my own insecurities. The troubles I have had digesting my partners past and the fact that i was continually nice and tried very hard to be nice to this woman who was very obviously jealous about the man I loved. I felt like I bent over backwards just to be made out like some kind of bully, and I feel annoyed at myself for doing so.

However I know my character and I know I am insecure about myself, that I give people too many chances but also that I am vengeful.

This woman even went so far as to criticise my parenting and make jokes about my being a single mother. I guess it'll take a long time to get over but I just wish it'd be over with already as it's been way over a year since the final bust up. *sigh*

 

I guess I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow!

[Arcanum]

Well we went and she was there.

Thankfully she ignored us and we her. She at one point got a friend of hers to confiscate one of our mutual friends.

I said nothing as I didn't want to cause upset to any of our mutual friends.

 

After the night my thoughts went wild. Rehashing the same things, looking for answers I cannot seem to find when I asked my partner, "why do you think I have this hatred I cannot shake for her?" His response was an exasperated "I don't know"

I said " I know it annoys you" and he cut me off with "yes it does" End of conversation. We spent the whole weekend very distanced from each other.

I feel as if I need to just get this stuff off my chest but I cannot do it with my confidant. It makes me feel very isolated from him and just feeds all the doubts I have.

Ugh, nothing is ever easy.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I have been here before talking about the retroactive jealousy I suffer with in my relationship.

 

Well most of it centred around my man's values and morals which were a little lacking to say the least. But I have been doing better with those over time. But in some respects I am still having so much trouble with it all and we've been together for over a year now.

 

I know all the things I need to say to myself and say them all the time and yet my feelings can't seem to right themselves whatsoever.

 

At the moment it seems to be directed in one particular area and I'm hoping that this is what someone may be able to clarify for me just a little.

 

My guy when I met him was in a close circle of friends, one of which was a woman that he had had sexual relations with. A woman that got jealous whenever he appeared to have a new girlfriend. A woman who from the very moment she met me was rude to me.

I tried my best to be friendly and civil and even understanding of their closeness and her obvious jealousy at the beginning but it got to be too much.

Whenever we were alone she would say cutting things or ignore me or roll her eyes and mutual friends we met would be rude to me on account of what she had said to them.

After a long time of this bullying I snapped. Unfortunately I snapped publicly (online) which made me out to be the bully. She of course played dumb to everyone and I was left trying to defend my character. There is now no communication whatsoever between her and me and my boyfriend which I am pleased about. He seems not to have felt much loss but I understand things were falling apart a little after they involved sex in a friendship.

 

So after being bullied and then pretty much framed as the bully I was incredibly hurt. But then I felt incredibly angry. I hate her and what she did and I have no doubt that jealousy is in there too as she had my guy and her thing is to surround herself with fans a lot of whom dislike me without having even met me.

 

I know I shouldn't care but I do. I know I shouldn't let what happened in the past hurt me in the present but it does. I know I shouldn't still be angered and upset by what she did but I am.

How do I let go of this obsessional hatred? I can't talk about it to the only man I'm close to because he's part of the problem and I know I will push him away if I try and talk about this with him.

 

It's all been swimming in my head for so long that it feels like there are a million things I haven't said so that maybe people don't understand what I'm trying to say so please feel free to ask me about any details.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

 

The only people's opinion that matter are yours and your bfs... don't worry

[TaraMaiden]

Well we went and she was there.

Thankfully she ignored us and we her. She at one point got a friend of hers to confiscate one of our mutual friends.

I said nothing as I didn't want to cause upset to any of our mutual friends.

 

Now, do you think this was wise, or do you think this was merely placatory? That is, did you hold your peace, because it was best, or did you hold your peace so as to not create waves?

 

After the night my thoughts went wild. Rehashing the same things, looking for answers I cannot seem to find

And these are the demons you need to learn to control... the retrospective wild imaginings....

The lies you tell yourself, the tales you fabricate, the situations you blow out of all proportions and exaggerate....

 

when I asked my partner, "why do you think I have this hatred I cannot shake for her?" His response was an exasperated "I don't know"

I said " I know it annoys you" and he cut me off with "yes it does" End of conversation. We spent the whole weekend very distanced from each other.

...And this is how poisonous people drive a wedge between people.

 

by standing back and doing little, but letting the anger and seething resentment do the work for them....

You see how insiduous such venomous people are?

They need do nothing.

Your fears and irritation do the rest....

I feel as if I need to just get this stuff off my chest but I cannot do it with my confidant. It makes me feel very isolated from him and just feeds all the doubts I have.

Ugh, nothing is ever easy.

 

Behold what you are doing to yourself.

dependency.

Repeating previous crazy behaviour.

YOU are feeding your doubts....

 

You need to change your perception and behaviour, otherwise, it's insane to keep doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting something different.....