* * * what message does nc send to an ex, the dumper?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i'm doing NC with my ex who ended our relationship. he broke up with me in a cowardly and cruel way and so i went NC. what sort of message does NC send to the dumper? i've been doing it for 4months now. he's only been sending me little short texts messages, about 1 a month- minimal effort. and so far i have ignored him. but it's not as if i have told him to 'f**k off' either so does NC send a message to him that i want him to f**k off? will if push him away more the longer this goes on? is it out of sight out of mind? or does it show that i'm actually hurt and too upset to talk to him?

 

just wondering even if there are any dumpers on here who could shed some light on how they felt when their ex did NC on them? did they want to give up or keep trying? i feel my ex knows he has messed up and NC is sending a message to him that i know he did wrong and needs to try harder than a text msg to get my attention.

 

i just feel by doing NC i've ruined my chances of ever talking with him again, even just for closure. i feel guilty even though i went NC for a reason-because he did wrong he ended it, not me. yet i hate doing it, i feel life is too short for these games and im generally a nice person and i feel so bad going so long ignoring him. tho deep down i know he hasn't exactly tried very hard. he has sent afew texts and emails but he has never called me. i hate these guilty feelings, blaming myself when he screwed things up.

 

still wish i could talk with him. i miss him so bad. but i don't wana be a doormat and he didn't want me around when he ended our relationship. now he texts me from time to time and i maintain NC. i mean does NC even bother an ex? i thought it would send a msg to him that he needs to try harder than just words in an email but so far he hasn't.

 

obv every ex is different, but generally how did NC make you feel if you were on the receiving end of it? esp if you were the dumper?

what message does NC send to the ex on the receiving end? does it look like i don't care for doing NC because the truth is i really care and i miss him so much

 

thoughts?

[Thomas X Forever]

I used to believe it did something.

 

But it doesn't.

 

NC is all for you. Nothing else.

[amaysngrace]

Tom is right. It is for you mostly but it sends a message too. You are not allowing him to treat you like crap anymore. So he either has to step up to your level and treat you as he should or he should say bye forever.

 

You are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns on this. I know it's probably hard for you and I am sure you miss him a lot but if he will only keep treating you this very same way then what is so great about him anyway?

 

Good job.

[carhill]

obv every ex is different, but generally how did NC make you feel if you were on the receiving end of it? esp if you were the dumper?

 

Since I can be emotional but make such decisions carefully, I would opine, after making such a decision, I would already have been emotionally detached for some time and NC would not affect me in the least as I'd have no wish to return to where I was before. I know this from experience, going through the divorce with my wife. If we weren't settling property issues, I'd have no interest in nor reason to interact with her and no real desire to. I'm cordial and friendly because it is my personality and it helps negotiations.

 

Look forward to being that way when you're older

[screwedup&regretful]

Charmaine,

 

I was the dumper and my ex has been essentially no contact with me for about 4 months now. When she last spoke to me, it was after I had tried for two weeks using many methods, phone calls, texts, letters, flowers over the course of a three week period to get her to hear me out, accept my apology and give us another chance.

 

Needless to say, there has been no progress. I read your words here and WISH they were hers, because at least then I would have some idea of what she was thinking, wanting, etc.

 

I would do whatever it takes to get her to forgive me and give us another chance and I would say IF he had REAL love for you, he is likely to be feeling the same. My ex may have given me the old "F*** off" but I wonder if she did so in order to, like you have done here, push me to try harder. Part of me wants to, but then there is all of the No Contact advice we get and the advice we get to try and "take control back in the relationship" that gets in the way.

 

I guess, in all honesty, I am someone who believes in love and not so much in games. The way I feel about my situation is that my ex knows I love her and knows that my breaking up with her was NOT because of a lack of love for her. But she has to choose what is right for herself. I can't make that choice for her and I love her enough to let her go if that is what she chooses. I WILL wait, despite all of the doubters and movers on, and those that would say that is a horrible thing to do. But I can't pester her or relentlessly try and persuade her to be with me. I reached out to her and made it clear that I loved her and wanted to be with her. She told me to stop contacting her and that is what I have had to do.

 

In your situation, he's a guy. He has pride. He may not pour it all out to you via a text and tell you how much he loves you. You may end up walking away from a guy who is madly in love with you, but you need to choose how to handle this because the possible outcomes vary greatly.

 

(1) You can stay NC and move forward, heal and at some point, you'll move on from your relationship with him. This is probably the surest thing.

 

(2) You could contact him, tell him what you expect and see how he responds. This could be, as it is for me, just the kind of phonecall or sign he is waiting for in which case he will respond just as you hope and will show you how much he loves you and respond to your request. Best case, right?

 

(3) But he might not. He may have moved on or be committed to moving on and your phonecall to him will only be met with his pride and dignity, not his feelings for you.

 

I think we all get to a point all at different times and via different paths where our feelings no longer dictate our actions. We love, but decide to move on in order to protect ourselves or avoid future disappoinments. The heart is very flawed and can lead us down paths of devastation. But ignoring the heart for too long can ruin a person for good.

 

I will just say, from my perspective, I was the dumper and realize (see my username) that I screwed up and I am regretful for it all. I tried for a few weeks to show her that I know what a mistake I made, but the emotions were running high and she drew a line and told me not to cross it. For me, I can't run the risk of crossing that line anymore, because I can't bear the disappointment and the regression if she doesn't respond positively. For me, I must just trudge along and hope that she will someday reach out to me. But this is from a dumper who knows how much I love her and how much I miss her and how much I know I screwed up.

 

I hope you will get what you want, true love and happiness.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thanks that is really helpful. the difference is though you really did try very hard and did everything to get your ex to hear you out.. all my ex has done is send me the odd short text message/email, he hasn't said sorry, or admit that he screwed up, i don't know whether he will in time or if he will just move on. yes, he has told me he misses me, but he hasn't said he wants me back. also your ex pretty much told you to 'f**k off' i have never said that to my ex, i have simpy ignored him so he doesn't know what way the land lies with me yet he has still just given up without really trying. for me i don't think ignoring him anymore and continuing the NC will bring me any closure. i think i need to make contact with him to find closure, even if i hear something i don't want to know, atleast i will know, whereas where i am at now i'm in limbo.

 

in your situation i think it is wise to back off for a while and give her space. and then after a time you could initiate contact again. it's different for you tho as you were the dumper. i'm always curious as to how dumpers feel as they often seem so cold. though this is the 2nd time my ex has finished with me and the first time he literally begged me for another chance and i took him back, now he has done it a second time. thats why i feel this time he must be sure he didn't want me

[screwedup&regretful]

Don't be so sure that he "didn't want you". Guys are different animals than girls and often times, it can be fear that leads us to break things off, not a lack of love and sometimes, the only way we know how to do it is what comes across as cruel and cowardly. It isn't always what it seems.

 

Call me an optimist, but I believe that people who are drawn together should try and stay together and I know that goes against the grain of a LOT of people on this forum. It seems like we have embraced a belief system that says, as soon as trouble appears, bail. You'll find someone better soon enough and having to deal with hassle's and difficulties is too much, since life is too short.

 

I believe in the long haul and that through thick and thin, things can work out. Unfortunately, I didn't ACT that way for a brief stretch in my last relationship and that is what leaves me where I am today. I think your ex is probably in the same boat and so, if you choose to contact him, be prepared for the fear to still be running his response to you. If he gives you the impression he is not fully in it for taking another shot at making things work, then he probably should be on this forum telling everyone who wants a second chance with their ex to just move on and find someone better.

 

If that is the response you get, then you ARE better off finding someone who believes in sticking with it, through thick and thin, for the long haul. If you find someone like that, you can make anything work, I think.

 

Best Wishes. I hope for healing for you and I both, as well as for our exes.

[Cloudberry]

"Screwed up & Regretful"

Charmaine,

 

I was the dumper and my ex has been essentially no contact with me for about 4 months now. When she last spoke to me, it was after I had tried for two weeks using many methods, phone calls, texts, letters, flowers over the course of a three week period to get her to hear me out, accept my apology and give us another chance.

 

Needless to say, there has been no progress.

 

If you did all that, and your ex still did not want to try to work things out, then you should be 100% confident that her no means no. She definitely isn't playing games with you, I'm sorry to say.

 

The big difference with Charmaine Champagne's ex, is that he's sending an occasional text, possibly out of boredom. Why doesn't he try to call?

 

The dumpee should judge the level of seriousness and earnestness in the dumper's attempts to contact. And the person who tried to get back, can judge for themselves how seriously and earnestly they tried.

[BCCA]

I learned this the hard way, but when people break up with you, they are D-O-N-E, and NC really doesnt phase them at all. In fact, in most cases, they probably appreciate it. I'm sure its a lot better than having to deal with you calling, begging, or making them feel bad.

 

I think the purpose of NC gets twisted around a lot. Its really 100% for you, so that you can get over your ex in the fastest way possible. The problem people run into is that it does nothing unless you make a concious decision to WANT to get over your last relationship. Going NC and waiting for your ex to call indefinitely gets you nowhere. Its like buying lotto tickets and hoping to win big. Sure, it could happen, but the overwhelming odds are that it wont.

 

The only message it sends to your ex is that youre not going to accept a demotion in relationship status, say boyfriend to just friend, but no self respecting person would, and like I said before, by the time theyre ending things with you, they probably really dont care. DONT use NC for ANY reason other than to heal yourself.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

why does he send these occasionl, short, random meaningless texts around once a month tho if he really is D-O-N-E?!

 

is it boredom? a mind game? when he's had a crap weekend? to keep me thinking about him incase he ever does decide to come back to me? wtf?

 

only he knows i guess.

 

and i know u guys on here can't tell me but it's weird and very frustrating because anytime i have broken up with someone, i have meant it.. like BCCA i have ended it and never contacted them again because i honestly wanted it to just be over and didn't see the point contacting them or being friends. but maybe im just an honest straightforward person. if he really was done then why these little texts? it's annoying. if he is doing it out of boredom it is really giving me false hope, tho it has been a month since i received one so i guess time to move on. if he is doing it out of malice, he clearly has issues and im better off without him, thats just not right

 

i just dont want him to think i hate him because i'm doing NC as i don't hate him, i care about him, i'm just so hurt. but i guess what he thinks doesn't matter, i need to work on myself now and im gona try to move on, i was doing ok and then had afew set backs. everytime i receive a meaningless text from him it kinda sets me back too.. it's like if he doesn't want to be with me, why send them. i know anytime i broke up with someone i never wanted to contact them, no matter how bored i was.

[BCCA]

Why he sends the texts is anyones guess.

 

Your job is to decide what youre going to do when you get them. Ignoring them is a start, but you should also stop reading them and letting your mind race. If he wanted anything more than to pass the time, he would call and make sure you knew he wanted another chance. Dont convince yourself that the texts mean anything.

[boogieboy]

Then call him up and ask him why hes sending the texts.

[BCCA]

Then call him up and ask him why hes sending the texts.

 

Waste of time.

 

He told you, he 'misses you'. Thats exactly what hes going to say if you call him, if he even answers or calls back.

 

You really cant concern yourself with why he does what he does, you need to start worrying 100% about whats good for you. Calling him/staying in contact is NOT good for you, bottom line.

[clv0116]

I learned this the hard way, but when people break up with you, they are D-O-N-E, and NC really doesnt phase them at all. In fact, in most cases, they probably appreciate it. I'm sure its a lot better than having to deal with you calling, begging, or making them feel bad.

 

I think the purpose of NC gets twisted around a lot.

 

I think you're right. I know I've kept silent on this but I've heard people say things like "NC is the only way they will realize what they've lost" and other such crap. I never believed that for a second.

 

What you've explained is actually something that makes sense.

[boogieboy]

Waste of time.

 

He told you, he 'misses you'. Thats exactly what hes going to say if you call him, if he even answers or calls back.

 

You really cant concern yourself with why he does what he does, you need to start worrying 100% about whats good for you. Calling him/staying in contact is NOT good for you, bottom line.

 

She made it obvious that she wont be able to move on until she SPEAKS to him one last time for closure. She's got her mind set on it.

 

If he says he misses her on the phone, then she will grill him. She probably wont get an answer, but she might get some closure by speaking to him and realizing its O-V-E-R and to stop obsessing. She has no intention of moving on until she actually talks to him...if he answers. So for her own well being, and so she can stop posting the same thing over and over, she should do it. Ive never advised that before, but shes obsessed over this for 4 months. Seems to me even if she went NC for 8 months it wont help. She refuses to move on until she TRIES to get an answer. Plus she got all the answers she can get here, and still keeps asking the same questions.

 

She might not admit it, but its apparent she wants to hear that if she asks him what broke them up she thinks he will be man enough to tell her so she can move on.

[BCCA]

BB, I know what youre saying, but Im willing to bet the farm that talking to him would leave her with more questions than answers. And it wont do a darn thing to help her move on.

 

You and I both know he's not going to shed light on anything, and probably wont even stay on the phone if the conversation shifts toward their relationship. He doesnt want to talk about it, why would he?

 

I know what youre saying, Im just trying to get her to realize that closure comes from within, and nothing he says or does should matter any more.

[screwedup&regretful]

I learned this the hard way, but when people break up with you, they are D-O-N-E, and NC really doesnt phase them at all.

 

I don't mean to be argumentative or say that you aren't right most of the time, but this statement isn't always true and I am living proof of it.

 

You can read around this forum and know that there are oodles of people who have made the mistake of breaking up, then trying to get back and are met with NC that absolutely does phase them.

[BCCA]

I don't mean to be argumentative or say that you aren't right most of the time, but this statement isn't always true and I am living proof of it.

 

You can read around this forum and know that there are oodles of people who have made the mistake of breaking up, then trying to get back and are met with NC that absolutely does phase them.

 

Well, Im not saying it doesnt happen, but if the extent of your attempts to get someone back are sending random text messages, Im going to go ahead and say you really didnt try that hard.

 

Being regretfull is one thing, but wanting to get back together is another. Most of the time, people dont want to get back together, they just want to stay in contact.

 

If you truly want someone back, you need to go above and beyond to prove it to them. If all youre willing to do is send a text, you probably dont really care if its ignored.

[boogieboy]

BB, I know what youre saying, but Im willing to bet the farm that talking to him would leave her with more questions than answers. And it wont do a darn thing to help her move on.

 

You and I both know he's not going to shed light on anything, and probably wont even stay on the phone if the conversation shifts toward their relationship. He doesnt want to talk about it, why would he?

 

I know what youre saying, Im just trying to get her to realize that closure comes from within, and nothing he says or does should matter any more.

 

This is a good point. But I think she insists on making it matter until she hears his voice. If talking to him leaves her with more questions, then we'll just have to see more threads with all the same questions like:

"******what does he mean 'dont ever call me again'?"

[Charmaine_Champagne]

ha ha, no please don't make me out to be some kind of crazy dim wit. i'm bloody hurt and confused, hence why i keep posting asking similar questions. but i'm reading over everything now and it's all very helpful. i know what i'm gonna do and i'll lay off this site for a while n give everyone some peace!

[BCCA]

ha ha, no please don't make me out to be some kind of crazy dim wit. i'm bloody hurt and confused, hence why i keep posting asking similar questions. but i'm reading over everything now and it's all very helpful. i know what i'm gonna do and i'll lay off this site for a while n give everyone some peace!

 

Just so you know, when I got here last August, I was a complete wreck. I wasnt eating, I didnt want to leave my apartment, and I honestly wanted to give up on life all together.

 

The reason I know everything I do is from my own experiences and from what Ive seen here. I litterally did everything wrong before I got here, I didnt want to face the truth, and I kept hoping against hope. It got me nowhere, life still sucked, my ex still wasnt coming back, and to make matters worse, my self esteem was so bad that even talking to another girl was painful.

 

Point is, if you tell yourself that you will get over this, it IS over, and unless your ex calls and says the royally screwed up, you dont want to hear from them at all, you WILL get over it. You WILL find someone else, and you WILL wonder why you even bothered wasting so much time on this guy.