All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

no shes none of those things, this is about a feeling about a connection, i just dont have that connection with her, she is very striaght laced, she is more about kids and family then a husband and wife relationship, she dosent like to do things other than family things, i need a true connection and partner.when i say we are opposites its that we just dont see the world in the same way

[whichwayisup]

You miss how she made you feel. Affair dynamtics are addictive and that's why they're had to break.

 

i dont worry about her finding out

 

Did you ever get checked for STD's? What if you gave your wife something?

[NOTSURE7]

yes they are very addictive, i have an apparently very addictive personality,not that me an ow have had no contact for 2 days i am working through sorting it all out which brought ne here, i amtrying to make sense of whether this woman is my soulmate or if she just made me feel alive and gave me the outlet i needed, again it comes down to the fact that if i want this woman i can be with her but i have to give up wife and kids, i have yet to do that so i continue to try and make sense of this all...no i didnt give my wife anything, i know that is a concern and i was very careful about that.

[NOTSURE7]

i posted it in seperation and divorce figuring i could get another groups perspective, i am new here so i dont know if everyone sees every post.

[PhoenixRise]

no shes none of those things, this is about a feeling about a connection, i just dont have that connection with her, she is very striaght laced, she is more about kids and family then a husband and wife relationship, she dosent like to do things other than family things, i need a true connection and partner.when i say we are opposites its that we just dont see the world in the same way

 

Have you ever talked to your wife about how you feel? Have you ever confided in her about anything?

[NOTSURE7]

no i have not, even my ow told me i should, i dont know why i have such a hard time, its like i dont want to upset her life yet if she ever knew about what i was really doing it would not upset her but destroy her..

[PhoenixRise]

no i have not, even my ow told me i should, i dont know why i have such a hard time, its like i dont want to upset her life yet if she ever knew about what i was really doing it would not upset her but destroy her..

 

 

Then Notsure7 the truth is you don't know how your wife would react to your needs. You don't really know that all she want is family activities. You don't really know that she would not want to do whatever it is you consider husband and wife activities. You don't know that she does not want a true partner.

 

It sounds like you have never given her a chance to be a true partner to you because you withheld part of yourself from her.

 

Maybe in your mind you put her in "wife status" meaning, there are certain things wives feel, think, and do. Wives are for children, hearth and home. Other women are for intimacy, fun, and adventure.

 

I don't know either of you so of course I could be wrong.

 

It does sound like you never really gave your wife a chance to be a true partner to you though.

 

Maybe she has the same needs you do.

[OFGnomore]

Then Notsure7 the truth is you don't know how your wife would react to your needs. You don't really know that all she want is family activities. You don't really know that she would not want to do whatever it is you consider husband and wife activities. You don't know that she does not want a true partner.

 

It sounds like you have never given her a chance to be a true partner to you because you withheld part of yourself from her.

 

Maybe in your mind you put her in "wife status" meaning, there are certain things wives feel, think, and do. Wives are for children, hearth and home. Other women are for intimacy, fun, and adventure.

 

I don't know either of you so of course I could be wrong.

 

It does sound like you never really gave your wife a chance to be a true partner to you though.

 

Maybe she has the same needs you do.

 

Give her a chance first w/o OW. Then you will have your answer. If it was mean to be with OW. You two will find your ways back into each other's lives when and if you are both fully available for a relationship.

[NOTSURE7]

i have long thought about whether i have given my wife the true chance to fill my needs but i have,she is just not like me,she fills the needs of the loving wife in regards to taking care of me,taking care of children,the making my life easier stuff,but i lost the connection and i need that connection, she dosent beleive in a man having any freedom so i think i always find outlets because i feel smothered,for instance she dosent want me playing softball on sundays because thats family day,the list goes on,i have always felt smothered and i look at other couples and i want what they have, i wouldnt trade the way my kids are or our home life, but it cant all be about children and i love my children and i would give up the world for them but can i really stay unhappy and living a lie just for the children, i mean there is no reason i cant still be a great dad and provider, i dont know i am all over the place, i also agree that if me an the ow are meant to be which i think we are then i will make the decisions i need to make, i think as soon as i do that she would join me but she dosent want me to resent her or be the cause of my divorce so she has backed off and said she wants to work on her marriage without any influences,her marriage is a whole different story and i dont think she will make it work. but i guess i respect her for not making me choose..i have been feeling this way now for 3 weeks, i have been trying hard to see if this was just a phase and if the ow was just a fantasy but i have to tell you i cant get her out of my head, although i have only really not been talking to the ow for 2 days so i guess i need more time...but the ow did email me last night and said she was sorry and that i mean the world to me and she wishes things were different, so the new nc time line has begun.i want so badly to respond to her but there is really nothing to say,basically i either have to decide to go or stay and try to make it work.

[fooled once]

One favor - please use paragraph breaks! The "enter/return" key IS your friend!

 

 

As for the rest - TALK to your wife. If you want more kinky sex, approach that with her. Let her know you are feeling as if the marriage is stagnant/boring. TALK to her. See what she is feeling. For all you know, she is boffing someone too

 

And if she isn't who you want to spend your life with, end the marriage.

 

I am divorced - I am the one who asked for the divorce. And honestly, the guilt stuff stops after time. Today, I am remarried and have NO guilt whatsoever LOL He is remarried too. (Cheating was NOT the cause of our divorce). And I had a young son (who was 6 when we split) so I know about it all.

[NOTSURE7]

ok i will work on my paragraphs..lol

 

i dont think my wife will get it,she will actually start to resent me,i know its weird but she is just a stright arrow and beleives in nothing but raising a family and being a loving wife,not that its a bad thing but i obviously need more,i grew up with a family that was always on the move,somtimes chatoic but always doing things,i am not used to this little house on the prarie life,although i have such well behaved beautiful children and i think thats the hardest part right now for me.

 

i think about that long term,i think that this sisnt about the next few days but about spending the rest of my life here,eventually the kids grow up and i have to know that i want to be here forever, i dont want to keep doing this my whole life,i dont want to be 50 and sneaking off to meet someone,so i think thats why i am finally at the crossroads.

 

i assume the guilt does stop and i know time always heals all or at least mostly all, i know that eventually my wife will be ok and that the fact i would still be a very active dad living close that my kids would eventually adjust,its just so hard for me to see it in my head but can i live this lie and misery just to make sure everyone is happy except me.

 

if you dont mind me asking how old were you when you divorced?,how long ago was it and how was your young son back then in regards to the divorce and how is he now?

[whichwayisup]

Don't assume to know what your wife feels or how she will react.

 

NS7, consider the counselling to help you through this, even go to marriage counsellng with your wife because she will always be a part of your life due to the kids. You can co-parent together, just in different houses.

 

Have to ask, let's say you did end up with the OW. Do you feel you wouldn't ever cheat on her? Could you stay committed and happy with just one woman? I ask this because it seems instead of opening up and talking about what's going on inside of you, you choose to look elsewhere to solve your problems. What if things got routine, boring and too comfortable with the OW? You'd be back to square one, with a woman who doesn't make you happy and you cheat.

[2sure]

You have an addictive disorder manifesting itself in gambling and serial cheating. Until this is addressed seriously , you will continue to try to fill that need with compulsive crap. Each of the OW will continue to be replaced. Your addiction to their attention has nothing to do with them or your wife. Stay off the internet and find something else to do.

 

You stated that the gambling issue was several times "taken care of". It wasnt. You trade one for other. The addictions are still there. They rule your life and your marriage.

 

Your problem is serious. It needs to be brought out and addressed. If you cant do it openly, at least recognize it yourself. You ask if you should soldier on...through your marriage. Please , you are no martyr here.

[NOTSURE7]

i know you should never assume, i agree with that but i just think she wouldnt understand me and never really has.

 

the counseling part is tough because then i have to admit problems,its hard for me admit anything in my life, i just hold it all inside and put on a happy face, i know everyone would think my wife and kids pick up on my unhappiness but to be honest they really dont,my wife would be shocked,i mean she wouldnt be shocked that i was capable due to the gambling history and what she knows about my family but i think she would be shocked that i have been disconnected for so long let alone cheating on her emotionally and physically.

 

i have thought about the ow issue, i even asked her the question,which was can you really trust me and even want me knowing that i can do this to my wife, i have opened up to this woman more than i have ever talked to anyone in my life,she was easy to talk too,smart,gave good advice and she gets me and understands me,she knows all of my faults and all of my history,she knows what i am all about, i truly think i could be happy and finally stop living the life of lies and secrets and deception and maybe finally be myself and live the life i deserve.

[whichwayisup]

Therapy isn't easy, it's not meant to be. What you put into it, is what you get out of it.

 

Let's put it this way, if you are unhappy with "you" and how your life is, how you feel inside, having to lie and put on happy face (that's living a lie) then do what you can to make your life better.

 

If you can open up like that to your OW, you should be able to open up to your wife, let alone a therapist.

 

Bottomline, if you want to change things about you, therapy is the way to go.

[whichwayisup]

i have thought about the ow issue, i even asked her the question,which was can you really trust me and even want me knowing that i can do this to my wife, i have opened up to this woman more than i have ever talked to anyone in my life,she was easy to talk too,smart,gave good advice and she gets me and understands me,she knows all of my faults and all of my history,she knows what i am all about, i truly think i could be happy and finally stop living the life of lies and secrets and deception and maybe finally be myself and live the life i deserve.

 

But all this is IN an affair setting, not 'real' life. Hearing about someone's past, their flaws, deepest secrets is one thing but LIVING through it is another.

 

I hope this makes sense because right now you are kind of in an affair minded fog.

[NOTSURE7]

you are 100 % right,i know i have serious issues, i think this is what its all about, i am getting tired of it all and i am trying to understand the reasons.i know this is all about me, my wife has done nothing wrong,she has given me everything she promised me and more, it is me that hasnt.

 

yes i have gambled twice and cheated ,the only difference is she found out about the gambling and i had to deal with it,i have done a good job and have not gambled for 6 years now, that of course does nothing to excuse the fact i cheat on her emotionally and physically,i never look for just the physical and always need the emotional attachement.

 

i think back to when my wife caught me gambling the second time,although she thinks it was all 1 time, she was confronting me and crying about trust etc etc and i said to her i need more,it was such a telltale moment for me,she still brings it up to this day,it was basically a time when i was supposed to be so upset at what i did to her but here i was saying i need more,of course as usual i ducked that issue and fixed everything financially and life went on again, but here i am,lost and miserable,i know the right things to do but yet always do the wrong thing.

 

a perfect example is that i know i am not happy, i know that if its no this ow then another will eventually come along,yet i dont want to confront this or admit to my wife that she and i are a lie, i cant get the devastastion i will cause her and my children by leaving.i guess you can say i am a coward too.

[NOTSURE7]

i went to therapy once after the gambling issue whcih turned into trust issue of course,my wife basically made me go but i only went twice and was afraid to open up and trust the therapist,so my wife just let it go and i fixed things or so she thinks,but on the surface i made it all better,at the time my wife said i need the counseling and not her so we never went together.

 

i open up to the ow because i feel i can be me,i dont feel that with my wife,in fact i never have, so now i feel stuck

[2sure]

can you really trust me and even want me knowing that i can do this to my wife, i have opened up to this woman more than i have ever talked to anyone in my life,she was easy to talk too,smart,gave good advice and she gets me and understands me,she knows all of my faults and all of my history,she knows what i am all about, i truly think i could be happy

Even if both you and OW left your marriages you would still be the same person, with the same addictions and habits. You say she knows all about your history and loves you anyway. Its easy to love unconditionally when you arent the one dealing with it. Has she told you she accepts you so much that she would be ok with cheating, lies and gambling? Thats acceptance. If you think being with her or anyone else will fill the hole or change your habits....you need help.

 

"...and finally stop living the life of lies and secrets and deception and maybe finally be myself and live the life i deserve.

Are you for real??

[whichwayisup]

2sure is right, you replaced one addiction with another. The main issue isn't fixed and it won't be until you're ready to face it and deal with it..

 

The thing is, lying, deceiving and hiding this from your wife is WORSE than her knowing. Atleast the cards would be on the table and she could make an informed decision. I'm sure if she knew you were feeling this miserable, she would opt out of the marriage. Staying with someone out of pity doesn't feel nice. She deserves a chance at finding love with a man who will love, respect and adore her. It's a two way street and right now you get that love from her but can't give it back to her. That's just sad.

[NOTSURE7]

oh absolutely and i recognize its in an affair setting and mostly hidden behind a computer screen.living life with a person is tough,having a part time affair is easy,i know all of this, i guess its more the feelings that it has awakened within me to know i am not happy and need to be happy.

 

i dont have a guarentee that this ow is the one and maybe she wouldnt be in the real world but my unhappiness is what needs to be fixed.

[GorillaTheater]

 

Are you for real??

 

I've been more-or-less following this thread, but the abject self-pity/sense of entitlement/refusal to take action pretty much leaves me unable to offer any constructive advice.

[Owl]

You know...here's the deal.

 

You already know what you have to do here. You knew it long before you came here asking for advice.

 

The problem is that you're too scared about what will happen to you if/when you actually get the cojones to do it.

 

Here's your solution:

 

DO IT.

 

Once you tell your wife the truth...the bandaid is ripped off, and you have no option but to do move forward from there.

 

Man up. Be brave for 30 seconds and tell your wife the truth.

 

Just 30 seconds...just long enough to start this conversation.

 

After that, it's all downhill.

[whichwayisup]

i open up to the ow because i feel i can be me,i dont feel that with my wife,in fact i never have, so now i feel stuck

 

That's because on some level this woman isn't a huge factor in your life. She isn't going to suffer any consquences of your choices, what you do. It doesn't affect her! Whereas with your wife, what you do DOES affect her, the family..

 

Anyway, until you're ready to not only hear advice, but to really take it, understand it and DO something about it (COUNSELLING) your life will remain the same. Changing flaws, fixing issues isn't easy, it's not meant to be, as I said before..

 

The choice is yours, please don't let fear get in the way.

[fooled once]

if you dont mind me asking how old were you when you divorced?,how long ago was it and how was your young son back then in regards to the divorce and how is he now?

 

My son was 6.

 

I was 31. It was 1995

 

I remarried at 34. I am now almost 45. Been happily remarried for 11 years.

 

I was an OW during almost 2 years of the time I was single.

 

My son is now 20; and he is great - a wonderful man who at 18, after graduating with honors from High School, moved out with friends. He has been on his own, paying his own bills, for almost 2 years. He has been working since he was 15. At one point, he was working fulltime and part time. He just recently quit his part time job. He is in Heating and Air Conditioning and has gotten 2 major certifications. He is doing fantastic and I could not be prouder of him. My husband, his stepfather, and him are going to buy a house together; it will give us an investment and my son a permanent place to live.

 

When he was younger, the divorce didn't seem to bother him. See, my ex is an alcoholic who preferred his beer over his family. He cancelled more visitation than he took; never took our son on vacation. When he got remarried 4 years ago, I offered to fly our son to the wedding destination (the beach) after my ex invited him. 2 days later, he called me and said he decided NOT to have our son present at his wedding. Great father huh?

 

So, in MY situation, my ex has never been a promient part of our son's life; and I will openly admit, I am thrilled by that. I got to be the one who shown with pride during baseball, band concerts, graduation. Graduation was the ONLY event my ex bothered going to. We had minimal conversations because most of them were "why can't we try again? Why did you do this?" <vomit> and these were even after he remarried.

 

But kids are resilent. Kids adapt. As long as you stay involved, they will be fine. Please don't introduce a new woman too quickly after you leave; kids aren't stupid.

 

But handled right, it does work out. My son is a shining example of quite frankly, how well I raised him. I have talked with him about the divorce and he honestly has no real memories and harbors no hidden sadness over it.

 

He and his father talk about once a month. Me and my son text every other day and we see each other once a week (he lives about 5 miles from me). He knows his mama needs hugs and kisses at least once a week. He will call me out of the blue just to talk, he calls me first after he takes a certification test. He knows his mom is and has always been there for him.

 

IF you truly do want to leave, you need to man up and do it.

 

Kids also sense parental issues - they know when things aren't going well. They are not stupid.