All in My Head-Need it out

[whichwayisup]

Will you consider getting professional help, finding a therapist to help you? You haven't said yes or no to it, even though you've said you're afraid to or don't want to..

[PhoenixRise]

i agree that leaving probably wont solve my problems, i dont know what the answers really are.

 

i understand that leaving wife for the ow will not be all its cracked up to be once the newness dies off,i understand fantasy and reality and if i was so bent on doing that i would have left already.

 

i often wonder if i am just a cheat and will always be a cheat,i know that dosent solve anything and i hope that the fact that i am actually bothered by all of this and attempting to figure it out is hope for me

 

As long as you continue to lie you will continue to cheat. You should listen to the poster who has been suggesting therapy.

 

Right now you have an illusion of being a good man that you want to maintain with your wife, children, family, etc.

 

Right now it is JUST an illusion.

 

You say you will not tell your wife the truth about your infidelity if you choose to stay with her. You are just fooling yourself. If you maintain this lie, you WILL continue to cheat. You are not even telling the truth about WHY you won't tell her. It is not about not wanting to hurt HER. It is about you not wanting to face the consequences of your actions.

 

You can chose to actually BE a good man. To me that means taking responsibility for your own Sh**. That means having some integrity and being a true example for your children, not just showing them the illusion of what you think a good man looks like.

 

If you WANT to stay in your marriage then do the actual work required to build a happy marriage. Build it on truth. Maybe the reason you can't talk to your wife about anything is because you have lied to her about so much.

 

If you are going to walk away then get to stepping. Make the necessary financial arraingement, set up visitation, get counseling for your children if needed and go. Let your wife start the healing process and let her find a man who truly loves her and only her. Your wife deserves better than live her life as your second choice.

 

BTW. Your wife has already been terribly hurt. She just doesn't know it yet.

[NOTSURE7]

i wouldnt mind therapy but i guess it all goes part and parcel, if i tell wife i need therapy i will also have to tell her why and i dont know that i am willing ti admit this affair if i choose to stay in my marriage.

 

yes i know my wife has been hurt already because she has been leading a life which is not all its cracked up to be but yet she may never know this.

 

you are 100% right when you say i dont want to face the consequences of my actions, i dont want to hurt her but yes i also dont want to face up to it or have to live in my marriage with this out there.

 

yes i am an illusion,my wife thinks i am great,my kids think im great and i live in misery because i am not what everyone thinks, i am a liar,a cheater and i have never lived honestly since i was a child, i am following the exact patterns of my father without even knowing it.

 

after all these posts i still dont know what i will do, i just cant get past the hurt and destruction i will cause and i cant 100 % convince myself that leaving is the answer. i understand i need to try and stay away from the ow to at least give myself a real chance of figuring something out, so far so good, we have gone 1 day nc.

[Gamine]

i understand what your saying,i know how unfair it is to my wife, i guess i justify it by the fact that because she has no clue and has no idea that i am living a lie and she is happy and the kids are happy that its all ok..i just cant get myself past the devastation i will cause,but on the other side i say i only have 1 life to live and is it fair for me to be so unhappy ,i think maybe if i can get a better understanding of how my kids and wife would be and i could fast forward a year it would help, but of course i cant.. feel so stuck.

 

 

Okay, so the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with is someone who would post on an infidelity hook up site looking for a quickie behind her husband's back.

 

Then, because you 'hit it off' she is suddenly a 'catch'. The two of you should be together and probably learn (the hard way) what it's like being on the short end of the stick. I promise you, the two of you will do to each other what you've done to your respective spouses and... quite frankly deserve one another.

 

Your wife has been respectful to you, now pull yourself up by your bootstraps and reciprocate and be the man God made you to be. You are violating her and a vow (soul based promise) and using her with the justification in your mind that she's a fool and as long as she doesn't know she'll be fine? How would you feel about it if the shoe were on the other foot? Tell her and own up to who and what you are. Marry the 'woman' from the infidelity site and cheat on each other until the cows come home. For once, you'd be living truthfully and... wondering who she slept with while you went to pick up a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread. FYI, this sort of behavior is a personality flaw deep within your psyche and character.

[NOTSURE7]

the ow actually came to the website looking for sex because she was in a sexless marriage,we met and it became obvious we both were missing way more than just sex and it became an emotional affair as well as a freindship.i never said she was a catch, i dont really think anyone on a website cheating on there spouses should be considered a catch but i do feel i made a connection with her. i am not defending,just explaining.

 

my wife has always been respectful,she does everything she promised,she is stright laced and just wants to be the best mom and wife possible, i know this is all about me and i dont place blame on her.i dont think she is a fool at all, i think its sad that she is so happy and i am so miserable behind this fassad.

 

this is not about marrying the ow, im not naive enough to think it will be paradise,she dose make me happy. but i realize there is fantasy and reality, when having the affair i only deal with a small portion of her and her life and vice versa.

 

i just want to find the right balance somewhere, somehow

[Snowflower]

i just want to find the right balance somewhere, somehow

 

 

NS, you have been finding the 'right' balance for 11 years it sounds like. You are married and then have your OW on the side. What has suddenly changed that you now need to make a choice? Is it because the OW, your soulmate, is pushing you to make a decision?

 

I'm not bashing you because you seem to be honest here in what you are posting. You are obviously deeply conflicted. But what do you want any of us here on LS to tell you that is different from what you already know? You know deep down what is the right thing to do. Everyone here is basically telling you the same thing...tell your wife the truth about your marriage and then let her go.

 

It's time to stop this farce and let everyone move forward with their lives, in whatever way is best.

[NOTSURE7]

i have actually asked myself what the difference is because yes i have lived the last 11 years basically doing what i needed to do in and out of my marriage, i never even thought about consequences and now for some reason this ow calling for time off has hit me hard,maybe its just my male ego thing,maybe its the missed attention who knows.the ow is not pushing me to make a decision,in fact she is fairly certain i wont leave my W and really dosent even want to have any conversation about a life together until that ime comes.so i dont know why i have this pit in my stomach and all of the sudden i want to do the right thing.

 

i have been very honest here, i have held nothing back, i respect everything that everyone has taken there valubale time to post,im not expecting anyone on LS to offer me the answer because that has to come from me, but sometimes when you have nobody to talk too you need to get things out and fortunately i found this forum to help me get this out and see what others have to say.

 

i am deeply conflicted and although some might find it hard to beleive,i think you can have love for your spouse yet still do things that betray everything you promised to her.i truly dont want to hurt her,i know that sounds contadicting because of all i do and if she found out she would be hurt but i guess when i think about it i never think she will find out so i justify it as not hurting her and the fact that i act the role of amazing husband and father she is satisfied.

 

i know what the right thing to do is and probably what i want to do, but i still dont think i can do it. i feel so stuck inside my head.

[PhoenixRise]

i have actually asked myself what the difference is because yes i have lived the last 11 years basically doing what i needed to do in and out of my marriage, i never even thought about consequences and now for some reason this ow calling for time off has hit me hard,maybe its just my male ego thing,maybe its the missed attention who knows.the ow is not pushing me to make a decision,in fact she is fairly certain i wont leave my W and really dosent even want to have any conversation about a life together until that ime comes.so i dont know why i have this pit in my stomach and all of the sudden i want to do the right thing.

 

i have been very honest here, i have held nothing back, i respect everything that everyone has taken there valubale time to post,im not expecting anyone on LS to offer me the answer because that has to come from me, but sometimes when you have nobody to talk too you need to get things out and fortunately i found this forum to help me get this out and see what others have to say.

 

i am deeply conflicted and although some might find it hard to beleive,i think you can have love for your spouse yet still do things that betray everything you promised to her.i truly dont want to hurt her,i know that sounds contadicting because of all i do and if she found out she would be hurt but i guess when i think about it i never think she will find out so i justify it as not hurting her and the fact that i act the role of amazing husband and father she is satisfied.

 

i know what the right thing to do is and probably what i want to do, but i still dont think i can do it. i feel so stuck inside my head.

 

So you are now considering doing the right thing not because your wife (who has given you nothing but love, respect and honesty for 11 years) deserves to know the truth about her life and the man she is married to but because the married other woman cut you off.

 

I know you think you have sacrificed your happiness all these years Notsure but you haven't. You have been incredibly selfish.

 

You GOT your needs met. You didn't bother to clue your wife in about it but you got your needs met. You found other women, and gambling to meet your needs. You have actually had it pretty good. You've had what you describe as a great wife to take care of hearth and home, to give you children and to build a family with. And when you had a need, you went outside the marriage to get it filled.

 

Your wife on the other hand only had you.

 

You are so consumed with your pain, your needs, what you deserve that you haven't given a thought to what the woman who shares your bed every night needs. You will tell her the truth IF you leave so that she won't make you feel bad by trying to get you to stay to work on the marriage. But if you chose to stay then it is ok for you to keep this info from her because you don't want to face up to what you have done.

 

You are no martyr.

 

You want the option of your wife to be available to you just in case you decide not to dump her for the OW.

 

Don't you think your wife deserves to be able to make an informed choice about her life and the man she is sharing it with? Do you think she is less worthy of love than you are?

 

I know you don't love your wife but do you even respect her on any level?

[NOTSURE7]

Pho you hit on many things that make sense

 

yes my needs were met and the reason i am thinking of doing the right thing yes has to do with the fact the ow cut things off but also because i am at a point were i am saying do i want to do this all over again and go out and cheat and build this emotional affair or do i want to find the right path and either stay with wife or enter the singles world were i can do what i want...i do respect my w but yes i obviusly take her for granted, you are right i am selfish and i do exactly what i want, i blame it on needing outlets and being smothered but at the end of the day i make a concious decision to cheat and to be honest if the ow kept on going i would probably not even be here now.

 

i am consumed with my needs and my happiness and pain but i am also concerned with the fact that i live a lie and havent lived an honest day, is it all talk well maybe because unless i show action i can talk and write all day and it means nothing.

 

you are also right that if i tell wife i will go all in because i honestly beleive that with everything she will want me to stay, i could be wrong but i think she would.i dont want to face up to what i have done if i am going to stay in the marriage, i admit it, i am a coward.

 

yes she has every right to make an informed decison but right now she is happy in her life, i give her everything she needs so i dont know that exposing myself for the sake of exposing myself will help her or me.

[GorillaTheater]

yes she has every right to make an informed decison but right now she is happy in her life, i give her everything she needs

 

Except fidelity. And honesty. And respect. And love ...

[NOTSURE7]

i knew i was setting myself up on that one.

 

i do give her respect within the confines of the home and marriage and i do give her love,she feels important and i do take care of her and help her with kids and shopping and anything else she needs.

[GorillaTheater]

i knew i was setting myself up on that one.

 

i do give her respect within the confines of the home and marriage and i do give her love,she feels important and i do take care of her and help her with kids and shopping and anything else she needs.

 

Okay man, whatever you say. I'll leave you alone now. Probably.

[NOTSURE7]

i know it sounds silly but honestly i guess i justify things by the fact that she is so happy and has the life she wanted, yes i know she really dosent in reality but in her world she does.

[nothingissacred]

i know it sounds silly but honestly i guess i justify things by the fact that she is so happy and has the life she wanted, yes i know she really dosent in reality but in her world she does.

 

It is silly. You are robbing someone of their life, justification or not. I guarantee you that your wife knows something is wrong. Just because she doesn't have any facts to present to confront you, she probably has a feeling and tries to dismiss it. This is what bs do. Your attention and thoughts are with the ow, her feeling will become stronger and eventually she'll find out one way or another. And it will make the entire thing worse. For HER.

 

And she really doesn't have the life she wanted, does she? not really.

 

I'm a recent bs that got to find out all on my own after months of "feeling" something and knowing "something" was wrong and I was powerless to do anything since I had no proof. Trust me. It's going to hurt her. But it will do MORE damage to HER if she finds this out on her own. Own up to your actions. TELL HER.

 

btw. my H didn't think I'd ever be able to find out, either.

It's just a matter of time.

[whichwayisup]

i wouldnt mind therapy but i guess it all goes part and parcel, if i tell wife i need therapy i will also have to tell her why and i dont know that i am willing ti admit this affair if i choose to stay in my marriage.

 

If you do decide to do therapy, you don't have to tell her. This is for you, so you can get your head on straight. If you're not ready for her to ask questions as to why you feel you need counselling, then wait until you're ready to tell her. The counsellor will help you find a way of opening up and confessing what is going on inside you when the time is right, when you can handle it and are stronger.

[fooled once]

You can chose to actually BE a good man. To me that means taking responsibility for your own Sh**. That means having some integrity and being a true example for your children, not just showing them the illusion of what you think a good man looks like.

 

If you WANT to stay in your marriage then do the actual work required to build a happy marriage. Build it on truth. Maybe the reason you can't talk to your wife about anything is because you have lied to her about so much.

 

If you are going to walk away then get to stepping. Make the necessary financial arraingement, set up visitation, get counseling for your children if needed and go. Let your wife start the healing process and let her find a man who truly loves her and only her. Your wife deserves better than live her life as your second choice.

 

Excellent post! Excellent!

 

And I have to second that you are NOT giving your wife what she needs.

 

Hell, for all you know, she is putting on a sham for YOU and has a hot young stud satisfying HER needs

 

The TRUTH will set you free.

 

And it always amazes me the lack of communication in so many marriages. It is really sad.

 

TALK to your spouse (this applies to everyone who isn't talking to their spouse) and NOT just about the kids, jobs, the weather.

 

TALK about where you see each other in 5 years; what you see of your life together.

 

Date nights are something every couple needs; whether it be the newlyweds or the couples married 20 years.

 

1 night a week - only rules are (1) no talking of the kids and (2) the date cannot be at home if the kids are home; even if they are asleep.

 

It doesn't have to be expensive; a walk in the park, a picnic, or driving to the lake and sitting in the car. Heck, even McDonalds.

 

The point of the date is to force yourselves to spend 1-1 time; rediscovering each other, talking about any issues you two have, finding out you two have different views on where you see yourselves in 3 years.

 

Either fight for your marriage or GET OUT of your marriage. Those are your two options. And if you choose to fight, then you have to start with HONESTY - and not just partial honesty, the deep, 'secret' honesty.

 

Good luck!

[sadintexas]

yes they are very addictive, i have an apparently very addictive personality,not that me an ow have had no contact for 2 days i am working through sorting it all out which brought ne here, i amtrying to make sense of whether this woman is my soulmate or if she just made me feel alive and gave me the outlet i needed, again it comes down to the fact that if i want this woman i can be with her but i have to give up wife and kids, i have yet to do that so i continue to try and make sense of this all...no i didnt give my wife anything, i know that is a concern and i was very careful about that.

 

What you're failing to see is that it doesn't really matter if this woman is your soulmate or just made you feel alive and gave you the outlet you needed. It isn't about the OW. It's about you and what you want for your life in general. You seek other methods, gambling, other women, to fulfill something inside of you.

 

You know that you cannot continue without help and stay faithful to your wife, or stay away from your addictions for the rest of your life. I think there are only two things to do. Either get yourself into counseling and get yourself figured out without telling her first, or tell your wife and give her the chance to have some say in what happens in her life.

 

You say your wife is a great person. Why cheat her out of a life with love if she's so great? I think it's more about self image, what a jerk you think you will look like if you leave your family, and what if after it's all said and done, you end up alone. It's soley fear based, and it is not fair to anyone, yourself included, to continue on with a facade.

 

I can feel your anxiety just reading your posts (how do you think your wife feels being so close to someone that's as upset as you are? people do give off vibes yanno). You HAVE to do something about this. Keeping it bottled up hoping that in time it will get better is not going to work and you know that. That's why you keep questioning if you can keep on the right path over time. It's time to gather your courage and for once show your wife some respect and tell her the truth.

[sadintexas]

i think my thing is that if i am going to stay with her i am not going to tell her about the affair,i dont see the point,i will only admit the affair if i am planning to leave, i know you all think its for self reasons but i truly do not want to hurt her.

 

i know its wrong and that she needs to know but i live under the if they dont know it wont hurt policy and i dont see myself admitting the affair if i plan to stay.

 

Ah but you are hurting her. She thinks you love her. She thinks you're faithful to her. If you don't get help, you will go to the point where she discovers this (maybe not now, but with your next affair, or the one after that) and realizes that even MORE years of her life have been a lie. You might be taking away valuable years that she could spend with someone who will be with her happily for the rest of their lives.

 

You are hurting her by denying her the truth about her own life. You are denying her the opportunity to work through this and rebuild your marriage should you both choose to do so, you are denying her the opportunity to learn what it is your missing and see if she can offer those things to you, you are denying her the opportunity to support you while you work on your issues if she so chooses.

 

You are hurting her. You need think deeper than the smile on her face right now.

[NOTSURE7]

your advice is correct and i know this is about me, i do have anxiety, and i do agree that woman get a sense,im good at hididng my sadness and misery but sometimes it seeps through and i am sure its picked up on.

 

as i have nc with the ow i am starting to see that this is really about me and not the fact that she might be my soulmate,i did this once before and had the same feeling so it seems that i am searching for something and i am missing alot.

 

i guess i keep thinking to myself that maybe just maybe i can stop doing these things,maybe i can find the connection in my wife and thorugh my kids to finally live a clean life,but i know that most likely i will get over this ow and in time probably be right back at it,unfortunately its not very hard these days to find woman right outside your door to have these affairs with,so many are unhappy and so unfulfilled.

 

so last night i thought i might have the courage to say something to my W but of course i backed down, i think she might be sensing something is off, i dont neccesarily think she thinks its about another woman but more in the financial sector but i think she is feeling something.

[Owl]

Schedule a marriage counseling session...and tell your counselor that you HAVE to say something to your wife in that session...and you need his help to ensure that you finally do so.

 

MC can provide a 'neutral third party" who can help get stuff like this out, and help referee the two of you working through all these issues.

[NOTSURE7]

owl that is good advice except for the fact i have to be willing to tell her and also i have to want to save the marriage.as much as i cant fathom telling her i also have a hard time seeing myself telling her and then going through the 2 years it would take to maybe get over this.i know its selfish but again,if i stay in the marriage i probably wont say anything

[Owl]

Tell the MC to insist that you tell her what you need to say. Let the MC force this out into the open.

 

Don't sit there and keep telling yourself that you can't. Start finding ways to force yourself to do what you've got to do.

 

You keep giving yourself permission to do wrong. Make yourself do the right thing...ONE time.

 

NOW.

[Owl]

owl that is good advice except for the fact i have to be willing to tell her and also i have to want to save the marriage.as much as i cant fathom telling her i also have a hard time seeing myself telling her and then going through the 2 years it would take to maybe get over this.i know its selfish but again,if i stay in the marriage i probably wont say anything

 

If you decide to stay in the marriage and not say anyting...you are doing one thing, and one thing only.

 

You're setting the stage to let yourself keep doing what you've been doing!!!!!!!

 

YOu need to erase this as an option.

 

Or else file for divorce...because your wife clearly deserves someone who IS man enough to be honest with her, and let her have a real marriage.

[NOTSURE7]

i am trying so hard but i am all over the place on what to do,i guess i see it as for now the ow is gone and i feel like maybe i can just get back to my life but i know i am probably fooling myself and if this ow dosent resurface which i have a hunch she might then there will be another and another and you are all right eventually my W will catch on to something,we can think we are deceiving but one small slip up and bam.

 

i guess i also have an ego and i think my wife is hapy with me and that she wouldnt want anyone or find anyone else, i think if i knew she would be ok and the kids would be ok then i would feel better.

 

with all my faults i feel guilty,i feel responsible,i feel like i need to provide and take care of them, these are all good qualities if i was living an honest life.but i still have them, i dont want to see or cause hurt.

 

but yet i look and say can i really keep doing this.

[NOTSURE7]

oh you are right by ignoring it i am setting the stage for it to happen again, it may not be tommorow but eventually i will get over this ow and be right back out there fulfilling my needs.

 

one thing i note is that everyone says my wife deserves someone else who will love her, i agree with that but is made to sound so easy that she will find someone,the playing field is shorter with 3 kids in tow, another one of my guilts i have for her.