All in My Head-Need it out

[Owl]

Look...you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself.

 

That attitude is what has enabled you to do this for soo long.

 

You come across as someone who is convinced he is weak, pathetic, etc... and that is exactly how you justify and rationalize to yourself that you "can't stop"...you "can't tell". KNOCK IT OFF.

 

I'm sorry if I'm harsh, but frankly I'm not interested in giving you a pity party, or enabling your own.

 

This is ALL in your control.

 

You just need to stop coming up with excuses for doing what you're doing...PERIOD.

 

As far as your wife's "handicap" of having children or whatever...dude...if you're truly as messed up as you come across...she's better off with no one than with someone who does what you do.

 

Yes, that's harsh...and for that I apologize. But it truly is what comes across in your posts.

 

Stop with your self-pity. Stop with your constant excuses that enable you to avoid doing what you need to do.

 

Start acting like a man. A man takes responsibility for his actions and choices...and fixes his mistakes when he makes them.

 

Step up...or ship out.

 

That's what's best for your wife, and your kids...and yourself, when you get down to it.

[NOTSURE7]

owl, i appreciate your harshness, its ok i can take it and appreciate it, i am sure i am very frusturating but please know i am not intending to be that way, just confused,scared and not sure of my direction.even cheaters have remorse, i am just trying to make sense of everything.

[Owl]

owl, i appreciate your harshness, its ok i can take it and appreciate it, i am sure i am very frusturating but please know i am not intending to be that way, just confused,scared and not sure of my direction.even cheaters have remorse, i am just trying to make sense of everything.

 

Stop trying to make sense of the insensible.

 

You're going to find yourself stuck in "analysis paralysis". You'll spend all your time trying to figure out the why that you never get around to fixing the darned problem already.

 

I believe that you have remorse. The problem is...you don't have ENOUGH remorse to do something about the situation.

 

Frankly, you need to feel more remorse, more guilt than you already do. You need to feel freaking miserable...so that you finally make the changes you need to make.

 

You know that you're weak...so the only way to do something about that is to set the situation up so that it doesn't rely on your strength, but someone else's. That's why I suggested the MC. Or, it's why I suggested the "30 seconds of strength" idea. Once this is out in the open...you're going to be amazed at how much easier it will be to deal with than you thought it would be. I'm not saying it'll be easy...but rather, you'll have the support/tools/strength to deal with it, whereas right now you don't see that.

 

I'm out of advice to give you, my friend.

 

There's nothing left to say, nothing left to discuss.

 

Time to go do what you've got to do...and THEN come back here for support and guidance on how to work through things.

 

Speculating about it now just feeds your fears, rather than build your strength.

[NOTSURE7]

fair enough owl, i appreciate it

[65tr6]

confused,scared and not sure of my direction.even cheaters have remorse, i am just trying to make sense of everything.

 

Not so quick OP. You dont have remorse yet. You are going through the guilt phase. You have no idea what remorse feels like. You are still in fantasy. However, I do applaud you for coming here and posting....

 

First step...

 

I dare you to confess to your wife today.....dont go to MC or do any of that rubbish. Not yet. She needs to know the truth. You said you have 3 kids. What kind of example do you want to set for your kids ?

 

I didnt read through your whole thread....but if your affair was physical then all the more reason. Tell her today.

[PhoenixRise]

owl that is good advice except for the fact i have to be willing to tell her and also i have to want to save the marriage.as much as i cant fathom telling her i also have a hard time seeing myself telling her and then going through the 2 years it would take to maybe get over this.i know its selfish but again,if i stay in the marriage i probably wont say anything

 

 

You are a serial cheater. If you don't start to live honestly and tell your wife what is going on your desire to save the marriage (if you ever muster up any) won't matter.

 

If you don't tell her your marriage has a snowball's chance in hell of survival.

 

But seriously, you don't want to save the marriage you just want to keep your wife as an option until something better comes along.

[whichwayisup]

NS7, I'm gonna be a pain in your @ss until you make a call and go talk to a thearpist about this. Have you looked one up yet? Made a call, made an appointment? The sooner you do this, the faster you can start to work on yourself, gain the strength you need to talk to your wife about all this. Therapy will give you the tools you need throughout this!

[NOTSURE7]

i agree 65, i dont have remorse in the sense that i am willing to tell my wife, i think if i did that and saw her reaction well then i would really have remorse.im still living the lie.

[PhoenixRise]

i am trying so hard but i am all over the place on what to do,i guess i see it as for now the ow is gone and i feel like maybe i can just get back to my life but i know i am probably fooling myself and if this ow dosent resurface which i have a hunch she might then there will be another and another and you are all right eventually my W will catch on to something,we can think we are deceiving but one small slip up and bam.

 

i guess i also have an ego and i think my wife is hapy with me and that she wouldnt want anyone or find anyone else, i think if i knew she would be ok and the kids would be ok then i would feel better.

 

with all my faults i feel guilty,i feel responsible,i feel like i need to provide and take care of them, these are all good qualities if i was living an honest life.but i still have them, i dont want to see or cause hurt.

 

but yet i look and say can i really keep doing this.

 

 

No Notsure, you are not trying.

 

You DO have a huge ego if you think your wife is completely happy with you and that she couldn't find someone better.

 

Your wife knows that something is not right with you. She is asking questions, she knows something is off. Over the years she has probaly decided that the little bit of yourself that you chose to share with her is all you can give. So instead of feeling sorry for herself she is making the best she can out of a sub-optimal situation. I'm sure that if she knew you were working overtime to give true connection and intimacy to other women while you were cheating her out of the same, she would not look back and still be happy about the kind of marriage you have given her.

 

(BTW I know you won't believe what I have written above. Obviously you think a little piece of you is all any woman could need to be happy in life)

 

 

AND just so you know. Maybe YOU would not want to start a relationship with a woman with 3 kids (why you say this about potential other mates for your wife I don't know, your married other woman has 2 kids), but there are many men who would would love and appreciate a woman like your wife (if she is as good a woman as you say).

For some man, your wife would be a dream come true, even with 3 kids.

 

 

You don't feel guilty enough to inconvienance yourself and actually give your wife the kind of life she deserves.

 

AND

 

You are not confused.

 

You know exactly what you are doing.

 

Don't fool yourself.

 

You just want to land on some mental contortion that makes it all ok and that makes it so you don't have any consequences.

[whichwayisup]

Don't be afraid of your remorse, and afraid of your wife's reaction. It's part of the consqences of your choices and actions. Own it and don't try to justify it..To her or to yourself.

 

Right now you're in a bubble and it's safe. Yet you know the time is coming that you have to tell her what's been going on around her. She deserves to know the truth.

[NOTSURE7]

i know i am a cheater, i do not deny that one bit, i wonder if this is just who i am, but i am trying, trying to figure out what to do, i dont want to hurt anyone but i know that my actions will do that, i guess its the old thing,if she dosent know it wont hurt her or maybe i dont want to reveal the affair because then it might force me to stop or end my marriage, i guess i want everything to be on my terms and i know thats not right.

 

maybe its because the ow is out of the picture now and i currently am not causing any trouble that i feel ok, but of course if i find my way back either with this ow or in a future affair, i cant guarentee she wont find out and then i achived nothing.

[NOTSURE7]

i havent made a call for therapy, i know i need to do something, this is consuming me and i can no longer handle this myself

[GorillaTheater]

i agree 65, i dont have remorse in the sense that i am willing to tell my wife, i think if i did that and saw her reaction well then i would really have remorse.im still living the lie.

 

I'm starting to wish someone would post something that royally and demonstrably pisses you off, so that there'll be some evidence that you can feel something other than meek acceptance of your situation and criticisms of that situation.

 

I don't mind giving that a shot, but I've been trying to cut back on infractions. But for the sake of everything-that's-holy, grow some Goddamn balls and DO something. Make a f*cking choice that includes consideration of people other than yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Gorilla, He is making progress, and the honesty he's showing in his posts IS a start. The guy only started posting here afew days ago. You can nag him in a week or two if he still hasn't done anything to change things at home, or made the call to a therapist.

[sadintexas]

just confused,scared and not sure of my direction.even cheaters have remorse, i am just trying to make sense of everything.

 

Ah but THAT is what counseling is for. I suggested that and others have suggested that and you use the excuse that you can't go without your wife knowing something is up. You were given a plausible explanation for that, i.e. explaining to your wife that you feel you are going though a MLC or depression or something along those lines, and you keep refusing to see counseling as an option. I think it is your ONLY option to live a happy life.

 

We've already established that this isn't really about the OW, but it's about you. Whether you stay in this marriage, or move on and seek happiness somewhere else, you HAVE to address these issues, or you're bound to repeat these same things with her or someone else. So I guess it boils down to: DO YOU LIKE FEELING THIS WAY AND DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING YOUR LIFE IN THIS MANNER? If the answer is NO, then get yourself into individual counseling and work on it. Your wife (if she is as you paint her) will be uber supportive for you workiing on yourself even if she doesn't understand why you're REALLY going there. I know I would see it as "Well, before he just turned to an addiction and now he recognizes something is off and taking the right steps to help himself. I'm so proud of him".

 

On one hand I admire that you are being open about your feelings. People don't like to be subjected to the scrutiny of others (especially men) so I think your willingness to talk about this with us is great. But you need to get busy "in real life" fixing this. Yes, this board can be a huge help, but it's only the first step REGARDLESS OF WHICH CHOICE YOU MAKE.

[NOTSURE7]

you are right i am in control right now, when she caught the gambling i wasnt in control and i did what i had too to make things right, i often wished she might have caught me cheating but of course if i really wanted that i would have gotten caught, i guess i have such a hard time confronting things that i just try and keep a status qou..

 

i also wonder if deep down i am afraid to have to fix things and all that it will entail.

 

last night she asked me if everything was ok, and said i feel like something is out there your not telling me, so you are all dead on with womans intuition, that being said i dont think she thinks it is anything like what it is, i think she thinks more along the lines of money or work.

 

up till recently i could hide it well but since this ow has decided to go her own way(although she wrote me last night under the guise of seeing how my son was after foot surgery) i am feeling like something has to give, i dont know if im feeling remorse or just coming down and feeling a low from the addiction of the affair

[GorillaTheater]

Gorilla, He is making progress, and the honesty he's showing in his posts IS a start. The guy only started posting here afew days ago. You can nag him in a week or two if he still hasn't done anything to change things at home, or made the call to a therapist.

 

Okay, fair enough. I'll give him another week before I jump his sh*t again. I just wish he had some friends IRL that would do the ass-kicking we can only do via keyboard.

[NOTSURE7]

gorilla has a right to express that, i need to hear everything but i am trying to make progress here and at the least i am thinking about it.

[NOTSURE7]

sadintx..you are right and she would probably be proud, i guess its me that has to want to do it and make changes, if i dont i will never be happy, i guess im just afraid.

[NOTSURE7]

gorilla- i dont have anyone to talk too, thats why i am here.i know i am very frusturating but i am trying to make sense of everything and the fact i am still in my marriage means i am trying to not hurt anyone either

[GorillaTheater]

gorilla has a right to express that, i need to hear everything but i am trying to make progress here and at the least i am thinking about it.

 

I'll give you that. But the time will come, hopefully sooner rather than later, when the time for processing ends and the time for action begins. Counseling, however, should start immediately. That's not so much an "action" as it is a tool for the "processing".

[sadintexas]

sadintx..you are right and she would probably be proud, i guess its me that has to want to do it and make changes, if i dont i will never be happy, i guess im just afraid.

 

Yeah and I'm sure that's totally normal. I'm going to tell you a story that is totally unrelated, but does address fear. A couple of years ago my dad was having trouble sleeping because everytime he laid down he felt like he couldn't breathe. He was having heart palpitations etc. He felt sure he was getting ready to die and was too afraid to go to the doctor because he just knew they were going to tell him it was hopeless and he would have his biggest fear confirmed...that it was either too late and he was dying, or if he didn't want to die he was going to have change his lifestyle...stop smoking cigars, exercise, eat better etc. We, as a family, begged him to go to the doctor. We were tired of him suffering and the depression that was a result of it all. He lived like that for the better part of a year before the fear itself had eaten him up so much that he knew it was better to know than to keep living in physical and emotional distress.

 

He went to the doctor and they ran tests. End result, he had to get on some meds (he had a leaking valve) and now a year later, the meds have worked and he's feeling so much better. The moral of the story is that now he has faced his fear and gotten the help, his life has improved drastically. He is no longer worried about his fate and is able to enjoy life again. But he WASTED a year (that we know of, no telling how long it had gone on before he actually said something to us) worrying and being afraid and actually taking the risk of it getting worse.

 

You have to face your fears. It won't get better by itself. Take telling the wife off the table for now. Go talk to someone who can help you sort this out. Just commit to a couple of sessions for now and be as honest with that person as you are being with us.

[NOTSURE7]

i appreciate the story and im glad your dad is doing well.maybe that is a good option,telling her i feel down or depressed or removed, i can always use this great economy as an excuse but your right once i get to the therapist i have to be honest, i went once before for the gambling and i didnt attack any real issues.

 

i think i have to take telling her about the affair off the table for now, its just too all or nothing,i need to get a better idea of myself first and see if i really want to throw away 11 years of marriage and 3 happy children for my freedom.i guess once i figure that out i will have a better direction

 

now the hard part,actually putting my words into action.i also have fears of telling a therapist everything as well as the fact that she is liable to make me tell my wife or have my wife come in but i guess anything is better than this pit in my stomach that wont go away no matter what i say to myself.i am wondering if the pit is due to missing the ow and the high she brought me or that i have maybe finally realized i need change.

 

also as an update, i have gone 1 day nc with the ow,may not sound like much but when you went 365 days with a gazillion emails back and forth and a physical relationship it is a good start,she emailed me last night about something irrelevant but so far today i have made nc, its not easy but its a step in right direction because if she returns it will not be helpful to me.

[Owl]

Notsure...you're just avoiding conflict...and avoiding fixing the problem.

 

You're not solving anything.

[NOTSURE7]

owl- i know but im trying to think of a way to make something change.