All in My Head-Need it out

[sadintexas]

The therapist can't MAKE you do anything that you don't want to do. S/he is there to help you figure this out. Your wife won't be included unless you WANT her to be. I've been to counseling and that's the way it works. They've heard every story under the sun, are not there to judge you, have the professional training to help you sort out the issues and identify what you need.

 

And again, doesn't really matter if it's withdrawal from the OW or a realization that you need more in your life. The fact that you don't know which it is is why you need to talk to someone to get it figured out. Do that for a while, get it figured out and then deal with your wife. But keep the OW out of the picture until you do that. That's for YOU so that you can honestly figure this out without her influence.

[seibert253]

owl- i know but im trying to think of a way to make something change.

 

Notsure, I'm willing to bet the farm on this, you WILL NOT be able to do this on your own. No matter how much you want to give this up, you can't without help. An affair is like a drug and you are the addict.

To me, sounds like you don't want to engage counseling because you don't want to hear what your counselor is going to tell you.

Well this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to tell you this because you NEED to hear it.

1. Stop beating around the bush, stand up and take responsibility for what you've done.

2. Have the courage to admit to your wife what's been going on.

3. Swallow your pride and beg for her forgivness (she may just surprise you and show more compassion than you deserve)

4. Work to fix you, and be the best husband you can be.

 

I don't say this to be mean or be an azz, I say this because I think you can be a great husband because you've taken the first great step; you see you have a problem, and I really think you want to fix this. Problem is, you're affraid of the consequences. Every action has a reaction. Please realize the worse case senerio may come to be, it's just something you have to be prepared to live with.

 

I can promise you this, if you don't tell your wife, and sometime later she finds out about your A, her hurt and anger will be tenfold. Not because of the A, but because you lied and covered it up for so long. To her, your marriage will have been a lie. She will be alot less likely to be so forgiving.

Best of Luck to you.

[NOTSURE7]

do you think that she will think the marriage has been a lie because she uncovers it, why would it be any different if i tell her?.i mean the bottom line is it has been a lie , i know it but she dosent.she thinks i walk on water,the gambling to her is in the past but of course you are right if i continue down this path i foresee another A maybe not tommorow but someday and on that one i may not get so lucky as to not be found out or have the ow tell my wife.

[65tr6]

do you think that she will think the marriage has been a lie because she uncovers it, why would it be any different if i tell her?..

 

you are correct, it wont be much different. She will still think the marriage has been a big lie all along/for most part. HOWEVER there is a chance that she will have that little bit of respect for you if you confess on your own. Does that matter ? May be.

 

But more importantly, like others said, this is an opportunity to put an end to all the lies and start your efforts to become a good man. You want that, don't you ?

 

Oh, by the way I dont trust seeking a counsellor's opinion whether you should tell or not. Some of them have actually advised not to tell (and you wonder about how successful they are as Cs).

[whichwayisup]

This is why he should seek marriage counselling, or a therapist who specializes in couples counselling.. The MC will help in the future, especially since you and your wife will have to co parent and be in eachothers lives (to a point) forever, for the kids sake.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You have what is called an addiction. You're not only addicted to gambling, but also to love.... the euphoria of new relationships, the high that the excitement provides, the chemical reactions caused by this, and your body craves more of it, more and more so you can barely get that high anymore.

 

I just started reading a new book called "Is it love or is it Addiction" by Brenda Schaeffer. I was looking for a book on relationships, to figure out if my relationship with my MM is really love or something else, and if it is really love for him or something else.

 

Reading your story, my god, this book is exactly you in every chapter (I'm half done already). I hope you will consider it, or at least if you get counselling, mention your addictions.

[NOTSURE7]

mwc- i agree it is an addiction, i can even tell just by the low i am feeling since the ow said she wanted to take a break.i feel so down with a pit in my stomach, i have wondered is it because i loved her and wanted to be with her or is this just an addiction and i am coming down from the high i was feeling the last year when she was in my everyday.

 

this has been further answered by the shear fact that for a day i had nc, i was feeling better and upbeat and of all things she randomly pulls up next to me this morning at a light,i tried to ignore her but she rolled window down and says you cant say hello,so we had small talk and now that pit is back again, nc helps and i am hoping to string together some days of nc to help me get over this latest addiction.

 

but of course nc will not solve the underlying problems which are my addictions and i dont doubt for 1 second that i am exactly like your book because i dont just look for sex,in fact sex is the least part of my affair, i look for the high of the new relationship and the excitement each day brings, especially when the ow needs it too.

[whichwayisup]

Right now you're going through withdrawal, like an addict not having his/her drug. The OW provided you with tons of feelings and it was intense..She's not there and you're missing how she made you feel. Do you see it's about you? How she made you feel?

 

Soooo..Have you looked in your local phone book or checked online to seek out therapists yet? (My daily bug, the pain in your @ss.) I AM going to ask you everyday until you make the call and book an appointment NS7.

[NOTSURE7]

oh its definetely withdrawl,when there is nc and i dont think about her i start to fel better, i never have been into drugs or drinking but i am sure it feels just the same coming off a high.we were in eachothers everyday,not always physically but mentally, i enjoyed the high i got from knowing she was there and all the feelings etc etc, the second i felt it was gone i was in a depressed mood with a pit in my stomach, highs and lows.

 

when i had nc with her yesterday, this morning i was fine,me and wife had a nice morning i was clearing my mind and then bam i saw ow this morning and im right back with that feeling again.

 

yes which this is all about me,i am the one with the problem,this ow was no better than anyone else she just played the role i needed in my life to satisfy my addictions.i am working my way towards a therapist,even if its just to sort out my addictions and why i have the needs i do

 

right now i have put on hold any thoughts of leaving wife and kids and i realize i need to get myself better because this behaviour will repeat,right now after coming down from the high i feel low and feel mad and depressed about the ow but i know that will subside and i will find myself months down the line probably right back out there trying to find a new ow,these days unfortunately with so many needy men and woman out there and the internet its not that hard to find someone withing your own circle or city, anyway my point is i know things wont change without help. now i just have to be strong enough to seek it.

[65tr6]

,this ow was no better than anyone else she just played the role i needed in my life to satisfy my addictions..

 

WE HAVE A WINNER !!! You are actually smarter than I thought. Or is it the withdrawl talking sense ?

 

You are correct. It could have been anyone. Your addiction need serious medication. You cannot do it on your own. You need your wife's help. Hence the need for confession.

 

PS : My wife is into 9th month of NC.....Amazing difference NC brings about.

[NOTSURE7]

i am actually pretty smart, i have always realized my addictions and the problems i just do nothing to address them because i am never forced to confront them.maybe it is the withdrawl i dont know but i am trying to make changes.

 

yes nc works wonders if you can do it.just 1 day did wonders for me but of course it was turned around by actually seeing her this morning.

[NOTSURE7]

hi all, i just wanted to say i really appreciate everyone on ls who took the time to respond to my post,having absolutely no one to talk too it is truly helpful to have people who give there input whether i want to hear it or not. it is very tough when you cant talk to anyone especially when it involves an A.

 

so just to update,i had gone full nc for 2 days and then the ow sent anemail wishing me a happy fathers day, i responded simply thanks,but was mad at myself that i even responded because now my mind is working again, for all those who talk about nc it is so important as you go through this coming down from the high process,you all made me realize that this A was just another of my addictions and i truly feel like i am going through witdrawal.i am back on nc today and i am holding strong

 

but the good news is i had a great weekend, i really opened my mind up and was home all weekend with the kids and W,we laughed,swam and had alot of fun,me and the W went out to dinner on saturday night to celebrate 11 years.after alot of thought and reading everyones advice i decided to make what is really important work,its too easy to abandon ship and really my W loves me like no other ever will.

 

i know this will be a tough road ahead and i can tell you that i am not a changed man overnight ,the ow is still very much in my head and i am battling everyday to fight my urges,thoughts and temptations but i am re focusing myself on my W and family, i focusing on work and i am training for a half marathon and trying to get things back on track.

 

i will truly say that the most important things are to understand the A was exactly that,it wasnt any long lost love affair, it was just another woman making you feel alive and vice versa,no different than a drug. and i can tell you when you come down it is no fun.

 

i know i have to fix myself and i am trying but the most important thing i can ever tell anyone is to pull back from the A and the Ow because you cannot have a clear mind and you cant see how withdrawn you have been from your family.

 

my journey ahead is tough but i think i can do it..

[whichwayisup]

The A is far from over. Know why? Because you haven't told the OW goodbye, told her never to contact you again. You haven't blocked her from her email, or closed that account, opened a new one.

 

Look at HOW easy your NC was broken. She emailed you to wish you a HFD. You couldn't ignore that and responded back to her.

 

If you have ANY chance of trying to fix things at home, END ALL CONTACT with the OW. Forever.

 

If you can't do this, then you'll be having an emotional affair with the OW (emails whatever) until you see her again face to face. Then it'll turn right back into the affair again.

 

Because you haven't suffered any real conquences from your choices, things won't change. UNLESS you go seek that therapy I've been bugging you about. Did you call yet? Set up an appointment?

[confusedinkansas]

GOOD FOR YOU! one step at a time.......

 

the ow is still very much in my head and i am battling everyday to fight my urges,thoughts and temptations

 

You will fight these thoughts for a VERY VERY long time. Every little thing seems to bring them to the foreground - (restaurants, songs on the radio, a certain time of day) no matter how hard you try to push the images back. It does get easier over time. Before you know it - You'll go several weeks without giving her a second thought.

 

 

my journey ahead is tough but i think i can do it..

 

Yep - You CAN do it!!!!

[NOTSURE7]

which-you are 100% right,i am still checking my email to see if she writes and i have not told her goodbye,she had said we need to go our seperate ways to figure our marriages out. but i have gotten to the point where i will not write her,but yes your right without blocking her i am giving her the chance to write me whcih she has done 3 times already, i am hoping she wont write anymore as she only seems to write when she has a reason like an occasion or to ask if my son was ok after his surgery.you are right that without consequence things are hard to change, my mind has been opened though and i can tell you my thought process is clear, i actually have asked around for a good T so we will see what happens, i have so many issues i need to clear in my head about myself and my life, this A is just a small part of it.its a battle my friend but i am taking it one hour at a time.

 

confused- thanks for the support,it is a hard fight and you are right everything reminds you of them and i also sit and wonder is she thinking about me,that is probably alot to do with ego.i went running and my first 10 songs on my ipod were ones we talked about and kind of made our songs, so yes its going to take awhile.but i hope that at least that i recognize the problem,realize its an addiction and i am trying and thats the first step in what i know is a very long road ahead

[Owl]

The A is far from over. Know why? Because you haven't told the OW goodbye, told her never to contact you again. You haven't blocked her from her email, or closed that account, opened a new one.

 

Look at HOW easy your NC was broken. She emailed you to wish you a HFD. You couldn't ignore that and responded back to her.

 

If you have ANY chance of trying to fix things at home, END ALL CONTACT with the OW. Forever.

 

If you can't do this, then you'll be having an emotional affair with the OW (emails whatever) until you see her again face to face. Then it'll turn right back into the affair again.

 

Because you haven't suffered any real conquences from your choices, things won't change. UNLESS you go seek that therapy I've been bugging you about. Did you call yet? Set up an appointment?

 

I would agree with all of this, and add:

 

Also, the affair isn't over with because you haven't told your wife the truth, and attempted to work through TRUE marital recovery.

[NOTSURE7]

as much as i appreciate that my W should be told, i personally feel this would not be to my advantage,yes iit will clean my concience and maybe allow me to help face up to the lies and the hurt but in the end i dont think it will do anything but cause unimaginable hurt, if i can get myself back on track,fix my issues and become the loving husband i know i can be then i think thats the solution, i dont agree she has to be told to make it right, i have alot of issues that need fixing and i need a strong W by my side whether she knows it or not she will play an imprtant role in my recovery

[confusedinkansas]

as much as i appreciate that my W should be told, i personally feel this would not be to my advantage,yes iit will clean my concience and maybe allow me to help face up to the lies and the hurt but in the end i dont think it will do anything but cause unimaginable hurt, if i can get myself back on track,fix my issues and become the loving husband i know i can be then i think thats the solution, i dont agree she has to be told to make it right, i have alot of issues that need fixing and i need a strong W by my side whether she knows it or not she will play an imprtant role in my recovery

 

Don't tell! Clearing your concience is not a good enough reason to tell her.

You can get on track.....You can move on....& you can work on whatever it is that needs "fixing"

ALTHOUGH.....I'm not always 100% certain something is broken in a marriage to cause an affair. I don't really recall mine being broken. Just twisted a lil' out of shape - by both of us...But not broken.

[Owl]

I disagree.

 

I also plan on seeing NOTSURE back here confessing another affair or a continuation of this one in less than a year.

 

I would be completely astounded if he comes back in a year and says that his marriage is vastly, tremendously improved since he first came here.

 

It won't happen if the truth isn't available for both of them.

 

It won't happen if he doesn't suffer a consequence strong enough for him to change a LIFETIME of habits.

 

He's fooling himself thinking that he doesn't need honesty to fix this situation.

[whichwayisup]

which-you are 100% right,i am still checking my email to see if she writes and i have not told her goodbye,she had said we need to go our seperate ways to figure our marriages out. but i have gotten to the point where i will not write her,but yes your right without blocking her i am giving her the chance to write me whcih she has done 3 times already, i am hoping she wont write anymore as she only seems to write when she has a reason like an occasion or to ask if my son was ok after his surgery.you are right that without consequence things are hard to change, my mind has been opened though and i can tell you my thought process is clear, i actually have asked around for a good T so we will see what happens, i have so many issues i need to clear in my head about myself and my life, this A is just a small part of it.its a battle my friend but i am taking it one hour at a time.

You have to DO something. Be active. Sitting passive and hoping the MOW won't email you is exactly what you're in doing in your marriage. Doing nothing to fix it, make it better or end it. You even said earlier that you would rather your wife find out and confront you, rather than have you confess and talk to her honestly and openly.

 

Great that you're looking for a T.

 

You can do this, you have to..Being a sitting duck is worse.

[whichwayisup]

As for the MOW, you need to block her now. This way you won't be checking your email to see if she's written you, or be tempted to write her back.

 

Even though the MOW has said you two need to go your own separate ways, that obviously hasn't happened yet. Words mean nothing! It's action that counts!

[tami-chan]

Ok...so one step at a time. First, you talk to a therapist about your addictions-this need to experience the thrill of doing something forbidden. You need to work through this, have control over your urges. Until then, even if you tell your wife and you are remorseful and she forgives you, you will do something AGAIN to feed it. I agree with CiK, take telling your wife off the table until you are able to muster enough courage to do so BUT keep in mind that you do have to tell her at some point and face the consequences.

 

Second, while in IC you might realize that you really do not love your wife-this is a possibility. And realizing this you then must tell your wife. It is also possible that when you do tell your wife, it might just be the very thing she needs to leave you, which in some ways is probably a good thing for both of you.....

 

Third, nc IS difficult. Find a friend that would remind you of reasons why nc is important-sometimes, even though we have not forgotten why, it is good to "hear" other people say it to us. I know you said you havent told any of your friends about your situation, but post here on LS and many will help you stay on track. Too bad you do not have PM privileges yet, I am sure if you do some LS members will reach out to you.

[65tr6]

as much as i appreciate that my W should be told, i personally feel this would not be to my advantage,yes iit will clean my concience and maybe allow me to help face up to the lies and the hurt but in the end i dont think it will do anything but cause unimaginable hurt, if i can get myself back on track,fix my issues and

 

read this again. It is all about me, me and me. Isn't it ? I mean that in a nice way !

 

Guess what, you will continue to check your email for anything from her for the next one month, three months, three years, 10 years...who knows. This affair could go on and on for most/rest of your life. Or it could die a natural death. The truth is you will continue to lead a marriage based on dishonesty. I dont think you want that. I know you dont want that. If you are not ready to tell your wife, alteast be "mature" about this and cut off all the links until you figure out what your next steps are.

 

For now, can you muster enough courage to send a No Contact letter to OW ending it all ? Can you do that ?

[65tr6]

Second, while in IC you might realize that you really do not love your wife-this is a possibility. And realizing this you then must tell your wife. .

 

lol. sorry. no insult but does op needs to "realize" that he is not in love with his wife to confess ? Talk about rationalizing. How about the fact that he has been married to her for so long ?

[tami-chan]

lol. sorry. no insult but does op needs to "realize" that he is not in love with his wife to confess ? Talk about rationalizing. How about the fact that he has been married to her for so long ?

 

Silly, of course not. But he does not want to tell his wife because of a myriad of reasons(that has been established). He had a lot of mixed feelings about his wife, so when he starts IC and confronts his demons and deal with emotions and such, it is possible that he realizes that he does not love the wife, maybe never did. So if he doesn't what is he going to do? Not tell and continue to live a lie and be miserable and in turn make his wife miserable?

 

What rationalizing are you talking about? and so what if they have been married for a long time? I don't understand your point.