All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

i agree really with everyone here..but i know i love my wife and telling her is just not in the cards right now..i am working hard to try and change my ways and realize what i have right at home but i will agree with owl that if i dont seek real help or face any consequences then i will have a good chance of repeating the cycle or going back to this ow if she resurfaces.when i got caught gambling i faced a dire consequence and my wife became aware and guess what, i havent gambled in 6 years.so owl you make perfect sense.

 

right now i am in solid 2 day nc,i wont call it easy but i realize i must do this, not to mention it feels better every hour.its a weird feeling inside me since the ow and i went our seperate ways.

 

yes it is about me me and thats what it needs to be, this cant be fixed by anyone but me,i know this but i have to actually put it all into action, i can talk till i am blue in the face,but what happens to be honest is after the storm calms down i get complacent and i think i am strong enough to handle it all on my own.

 

i know i need to take charge, i can give you a myriad of excuses as to why i do things,repeating my fathers behavior etc etc but the bottom line is i have an addiction problem and its an addiction to the excitement another woman brings to me,for awhile it was just flirting around toen ,then it was internet banter and then it became a full fledged A, now i am experincing coming down from the high of a full fledged A and it sucks, so i am saying all the right things because i am trying to recover and i am trying to get back to my life and love the things i should be loving but i know i have to fix things.

 

nc is a good first step,at least my head is getting a drop clearer...

[65tr6]

it is possible that he realizes that he does

not love the wife, maybe never did.

 

by his own admission, he loves his wife...unless he is lying to himself. It is amazing to see the number of men who are so quick to jump right back into their marriage after an affair. Love their wives and yet want the affairs. Can someone please explain this to me ?

 

Not tell and continue to live a lie and be miserable and in turn make his wife miserable?

 

precisely. I dont think he can do this on his own or for long. And checking into therapy (and he is going to lie to his wife about why he is getting into therapy now or just completely hide it from her ?) only to find out he could be even more "confused" ? It is easier than you (not you you) think.

 

and so what if they have been married for a long time?

his wife deserves to know the truth ?

[NOTSURE7]

that is a good question for another post, why do men who seemingly love their wives and can be such good fathers and husbands(i know if your having an affair your not considered a good anything ) but yet need the affair.

[PhoenixRise]

i agree really with everyone here..but i know i love my wife and telling her is just not in the cards right now..i am working hard to try and change my ways and realize what i have right at home but i will agree with owl that if i dont seek real help or face any consequences then i will have a good chance of repeating the cycle or going back to this ow if she resurfaces.when i got caught gambling i faced a dire consequence and my wife became aware and guess what, i havent gambled in 6 years.so owl you make perfect sense.

 

right now i am in solid 2 day nc,i wont call it easy but i realize i must do this, not to mention it feels better every hour.its a weird feeling inside me since the ow and i went our seperate ways.

 

yes it is about me me and thats what it needs to be, this cant be fixed by anyone but me,i know this but i have to actually put it all into action, i can talk till i am blue in the face,but what happens to be honest is after the storm calms down i get complacent and i think i am strong enough to handle it all on my own.

 

i know i need to take charge, i can give you a myriad of excuses as to why i do things,repeating my fathers behavior etc etc but the bottom line is i have an addiction problem and its an addiction to the excitement another woman brings to me,for awhile it was just flirting around toen ,then it was internet banter and then it became a full fledged A, now i am experincing coming down from the high of a full fledged A and it sucks, so i am saying all the right things because i am trying to recover and i am trying to get back to my life and love the things i should be loving but i know i have to fix things.

 

nc is a good first step,at least my head is getting a drop clearer...

 

 

Notsure

 

What happened to your claim that your wife was never right for you? You said you have known for a long time that you and your wife are not compatible. Have you started talking to her? Have you started sharing yourself with her?

 

 

Getting therapy is a good step for you. If it helps you figure yourself out and get your head on straight then great.

 

However, I think you aren't getting it. As long as you stay selfish and continue to make decisions that are only in your own best interest you WILL continue to cheat. It was in your best interest to cheat- it gave you passion, excitement, intimacy, etc, so you cheated. It is now in your best interest to conceal this from your wife- you don't want to face WHO YOU ARE, so you continue to lie.

 

I wish you the best. I really do. But I don't think you WILL change long term if you don't tell your wife the truth. Surely this is not the first time you have considered the possibility that this constant cheating is wrong and that your wife deserves better from you?

 

Surely this is not the first time you have resolved to be faithful?

 

What is different this time?

[Owl]

i agree really with everyone here..but i know i love my wife and telling her is just not in the cards right now..i am working hard to try and change my ways and realize what i have right at home but i will agree with owl that if i dont seek real help or face any consequences then i will have a good chance of repeating the cycle or going back to this ow if she resurfaces.when i got caught gambling i faced a dire consequence and my wife became aware and guess what, i havent gambled in 6 years.so owl you make perfect sense.

 

Then why do you ignore my advice?

 

Why do you post here saying you're going to change, when you know that any change you attempt right now is useless unless you heed the advice you've been given?

 

Sorry...you don't get credit in my book for claiming a change when you yourself know that you're not truly doing anything to fix the problem.

 

I begin to suspect that your only goal in posting here is to look for sympathy, rather than truly fix the problem.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have alot going on in my head and i need to make some choices,unfortunately i have no one to talk too and i am hoping that everyone here can help me.please read my whole story before judging me,i am looking for good advice, i know i will hear that i am selfish,narcissitic a cake eater etc etc but i am hoping that some of you can see through all this and realize i am someone who needs help and offer me some good solid advice and help.

 

 

Ok, here it goes. Get a divorce.

 

you said from day one you knew you married the wrong woman. This ALONE is ample reason enough to get a divorce.

 

not only that, you cheated....adding even more reason to divorce.

 

 

 

so my question is, am i supposed to just be unhappy but soldier on in this life

 

No, you get a divorce, set your wife free from you...pay your child support, and if need be, alimony...and do the right thing.

 

 

 

i keep repeating the same behaviors so something is wrong,do i leave my wife and kids and go with this woman who makes me happy and i can finally be myself

 

yes, you leave your wife and kids. you will get visitation with your kids, they will always be in your life. But you quit wasting any more of your wife's precious years on this planet. she only gets one life, don't suck it up and let her waste it on someone that isn't true to her and views her as the wrong woman. She deserves to live.

 

 

 

i know most here are pro marriage and i will be told to tell my wife about the affair and try to make marriage work

 

whats to work on? you said it yourself, from day one she was the "wrong woman". Nuff said, nothing left to discuss.

 

 

but in all honesty i know myself and if i stay in the marriage i will not tell my wife about the affair but i will just put on the mask and continue to live the lie, i will let a woman that i love walk away to save my wife and children from hurt..but then of course i wonder will this behavior just repeat itself again and will iwake up at 50 and say with even more regrets than i already have.

 

yup, you will repeat the cheating again.

 

 

please help me here, i am lost and confused.

 

 

divorce, pay your child support, set your wife free, and go off with this other woman. anything less would be holding your wife hostage and wasting her time in this life.

[confusedinkansas]

Then why do you ignore my advice?

 

Why do you post here saying you're going to change, when you know that any change you attempt right now is useless unless you heed the advice you've been given?

 

Sorry...you don't get credit in my book for claiming a change when you yourself know that you're not truly doing anything to fix the problem.

 

I begin to suspect that your only goal in posting here is to look for sympathy, rather than truly fix the problem.

 

WOW....Owl

Just because he won't take your advice - there's no need to go off on the guy!

Not everyone agrees on how the "proper way" to "FIX" problems or issues in their marriages. How about give the guy the benefit of the doubt because he knows his wife ..... & we don't!

I'm not giving him sympathy by saying this - but hey, why can't people post here with a few kind words....a little help.... & NO BASHING because the poster won't do things YOUR way! Seems a little juvinile to stomp your foot at him like a 2 year old "You don't get credit in my book" Sheesh!!!!! what's the heck is that all about anyway???

[Dexter Morgan]

What happened to your claim that your wife was never right for you?

 

did he change his mind on that? I wonder if any man changes their mind about something they were so adamant about if they are faced with the possibility of losing 1/2 the marital assets, retirement, and faced with having to pay an X-wife about 30% of net in child support?

[confusedinkansas]

so my question is, am i supposed to just be unhappy but soldier on in this life

 

Now if this really is the case...........You should consider at the very least separating from her & see how it goes.

[NOTSURE7]

yes i did say my wife was wrong for me but that dosent mean that i am willing to throw away 11 years of marriage,yes my thoughts and of course actions dictate otherwise but i am willing to give it a go...when i take a good hard look i am trying to see why i married her,yes we are different but is it enough to throw away the marriage,can i possibly bridge the gap.i have actually been opening up a bit to her on things i need and like and she has been pretty receptive so far, so this is not about changing my mind its about not walking away so easy like most do

 

i listen to everyones advice, this is not about sympathy for me,i never posted on here before,i ended a previous A a long time ago and never once looked for help or support or advice, yes thats probably why i repeated the behavior but my point is i am not here all of the sudden looking for sympathy i am looking for direction, i have nobody in my life i can talk to about this or about the things that are going on in my head, i dont want or need anyone to feel sorry for me but i do need to get these things out of my head and listen to what i consider intelligent people give me advice.

 

i dont mean or want to offend anyone, i know its fruturating but i am taking it all in and trying to get it right,i dont want to just walk away from a loving wife and 3 little kids without trying to see if there is something there, so yes maybe this is all alot of talk and maybe i never put anything into action but i at the least need to try and make some changes,change is not easy and i know that.i have some serious issues and again i am battling these issues alone.

[Dexter Morgan]

yes i did say my wife was wrong for me but that dosent mean that i am willing to throw away 11 years of marriage

 

you basically already did that by cheating. And you wouldn't be throwing away 11 years of marriage...because first of..this isn't a marriage.

Secondly, there is no need to waste whats left of your wife's time on this planet.

 

 

yes my thoughts and of course actions dictate otherwise but i am willing to give it a go

 

give what a go? You will never be satisfied with your wife, and will always pine for something different. you are lamenting your desire for happiness with some other woman...and by admitting your wife is the "wrong woman", then those desires are not going to go away. Your wife isn't all of a sudden, or ever, going to be the "right" woman.

 

 

i listen to everyones advice, this is not about sympathy for me,i never posted on here before,i ended a previous A a long time ago and never once looked for help or support or advice, yes thats probably why i repeated the behavior but my point is i am not here all of the sudden looking for sympathy i am looking for direction, i have nobody in my life i can talk to about this or about the things that are going on in my head

 

could the bolded part be why you don't want to divorce and set your wife free??

[Owl]

WOW....Owl

Just because he won't take your advice - there's no need to go off on the guy!

Not everyone agrees on how the "proper way" to "FIX" problems or issues in their marriages. How about give the guy the benefit of the doubt because he knows his wife ..... & we don't!

I'm not giving him sympathy by saying this - but hey, why can't people post here with a few kind words....a little help.... & NO BASHING because the poster won't do things YOUR way! Seems a little juvinile to stomp your foot at him like a 2 year old "You don't get credit in my book" Sheesh!!!!! what's the heck is that all about anyway???

 

If you think THAT was "going off"...you should see me when I really AM upset.

 

Sorry if you don't like my response to him...but frankly, he's not doing ANYTHING to fix the situation. I'm not going to applaud that. This isn't baby steps...it's NOTHING NEW AT ALL.

 

If you feel I'm being too harsh or violating TOS...feel free to report me to the mods.

 

I stand by what I've said here.

[Owl]

i have some serious issues and again i am battling these issues alone.

 

And this is why you're going to continue in the same cycle you've been in your entire adult life.

 

Until you actually BREAK that cycle...until you stop trying to do it YOUR way and start doing it a NEW way...you're going to stay right in that same circle.

 

If you don't like MY suggestions, that's fine. Go to a professional MC/IC, see what they can do to help you break this cycle.

 

But stop trying to do it on your own.

[NOTSURE7]

i respect everyones advice and i hear what your saying, there is no need for people to get upset with eachother

[PhoenixRise]

DexterMorgan is right about this

 

 

Quote:

yes my thoughts and of course actions dictate otherwise but i am willing to give it a go

give what a go? You will never be satisfied with your wife, and will always pine for something different. you are lamenting your desire for happiness with some other woman...and by admitting your wife is the "wrong woman", then those desires are not going to go away. Your wife isn't all of a sudden, or ever, going to be the "right" woman.

 

You have been cheating on your wife for YEARS with multiple women because for years you believe she is not the right woman for you. According to you, in the 11 years you have been married you have NEVER had the kind of connection you feel with your OW with your wife.

 

You don't respect you wife enough to tell her the truth. You don't have enough integrity to face the consequences of what you have done.

 

Is this the first time you have attempted to be faithful to your wife?

You failed before, What has changed?

 

AND

 

It is not just YOUR marriage or about YOUR life.

 

Your wife deserves to be able to make informed decisions about her marriage and her life.

 

You are denying her that = no respect.

[NOTSURE7]

everyone makes it sound so easy to just walk into my unsuspecting wife of 11 years, who thinks i walk on water and who lives this amazing life were she is so happy and say oh by the way its all a lie.i know its right but its not easy so at least understand that please

[confusedinkansas]

If you feel I'm being too harsh or violating TOS...feel free to report me to the mods.

Nah - that'd be silly!

I just think it's juvenile to figuratively stomp your foot at him like a child because he's not doing things your way. That's all.

 

i respect everyones advice and i hear what your saying, there is no need for people to get upset with eachother

 

Haven't you read other posts? This happens all the time. No biggie. We'll all kiss & make up in the end anyway.

[Owl]

I've NEVER indicated that it was easy...not once.

 

But I DO feel it's absolutely your only way to make ANY forward progress.

[confusedinkansas]

everyone makes it sound so easy to just walk into my unsuspecting wife of 11 years, who thinks i walk on water and who lives this amazing life were she is so happy and say oh by the way its all a lie.i know its right but its not easy so at least understand that please

 

I don't think anyone has said it'd be easy. IF you were to do that (sounds like you're not planning to) - It will most definitely be the hardest thing you've had to do in your whole life.

 

So let me ask you this - If you are determined not to tell her....& the majority here seems to think you're wrong not to tell her.....What do you take from this forum?

[Owl]

Nah - that'd be silly!

I just think it's juvenile to figuratively stomp your foot at him like a child because he's not doing things your way. That's all.

 

 

And I didn't feel like it was a "foot stomp" at all.

 

I AM frustrated with posting to him...but my advice stands, and if anyone feels my responses are juvenile, they're welcome to ignore me. It won't change what I post.

[NOTSURE7]

and i respect that owl, i guess it just scares me and also upsets me to have to hurt her.i know of course my actions if they were known would hurt her but i guess i think of it as she dosent know about that and if i tell her then she will know...this issint easy and i am trying to work through it all

[NOTSURE7]

i know i am frusturating and i dont mean to be...

 

as far as what i get from the forum,its really about listening and trying to do the right thing

[Owl]

I completely respect that you don't want to hurt her.

 

But the damage is already done...that "Sword of Damoclese" has been dangling over her head for years.

 

You CAN'T fix things on your own.

 

You already know this.

 

So trying to do so is simply postponing ANY real attempt at healing the marriage, or yourself.

 

I've referenced the band-aid thing several times in this thread.

 

Here we are, like 11 or 12 pages into your thread asking for help...how much closer to truly making progress are you?

 

All you have to do is ADMIT to the affair...it's like one sentence..."I cheated on you.".

 

And EVERYTHING that follows from there is progress.

[NOTSURE7]

you are right it is one sentence but then all hell will break loose...i guess when you say the damage is done i think differently because she knows and suspects nothing and i mean that.so to me i think why upset and hurt her but i know your right and its much deeper than that because this behavior will probably repeat and maybe next time i will get caught...

 

this just sucks and your right after 11 pages i am no closer to making progress because i cant figure out what to do..

[confusedinkansas]

you are right it is one sentence but then all hell will break loose...i guess when you say the damage is done i think differently because she knows and suspects nothing and i mean that.so to me i think why upset and hurt her but i know your right and its much deeper than that because this behavior will probably repeat and maybe next time i will get caught...

 

this just sucks and your right after 11 pages i am no closer to making progress because i cant figure out what to do..

 

Obviously you know your wife. BUT are you SO sure that "all hell will break loose?"

I know my husband better than he knows himself & when I moved out NONE of the things that I predicted happened. NONE. There was NO stalking, NO begging, NO fist pounding, NO yelling...Not one thing that I was 100% positive would happen. SO....how are you so 100% certain that all hell will break loose? Is it possible AT ALL it could be quite the opposite?

AND .... What if "all hell breaks loose"...Don't you think that MAYBE she'd want to work thru this --- IF you wanted to as well? If she loves you as much as you keep saying here, she may "Stand By Her Man"!!