All in My Head-Need it out

[confusedinkansas]

interesting thing happened...

 

out of the blue i get an instant message from my ow, its been 3 weeks full NC but apparently i blocked her screen name on instant messenger but i failed to block any name from contacting me,so she used another screen name, anyway she writes me that she knows i am blocking her etc etc but she wanted to let me know she is seperating from her H and she hopes i am well...

 

i was very proud of myself and i didnt even respond, she signed off and that was that..

 

You should be proud of yourself. Why do you suppose she needed to make this information known to you?

[NOTSURE7]

You should be proud of yourself. Why do you suppose she needed to make this information known to you?

 

I can only assume it was so that i would respond or maybe she hoped it would cause me to rethink my decision.

 

either way it made no difference as i didnt and will not respond.

[confusedinkansas]

I can only assume it was so that i would respond or maybe she hoped it would cause me to rethink my decision.

 

either way it made no difference as i didnt and will not respond.

 

I know how it feels the first time that happens after NC. Kind of makes your heart leap into your throat - Huh?

It's a little difficult to not write back - even if to only say..I'm fine!

I know all this.

:)Good for you for not engaging.

:cool:You should be proud of yourself.

That there mister is a very big step!!

[whichwayisup]

Glad that you told your wife about the OW contacting you.

 

Take this a step further and DELETE that IM account and create a new one so the OW cannot find you. She will try to contact you again, even more so since you're ignoring her. Keep going, stay strong and IF you ever get the urge to contact her back for whatever reason, DON'T. Post here instead.

[NOTSURE7]

rough night last night, i finally saw some real anger, but i guess thats a good thing?

[PhoenixRise]

rough night last night, i finally saw some real anger, but i guess thats a good thing?

 

 

 

I think it is a good thing. The anger is and has always been there, it is good for your wife to let it out instead of supressing it.

 

Was it triggered by the OW message?

[NOTSURE7]

I think it is a good thing. The anger is and has always been there, it is good for your wife to let it out instead of supressing it.

 

Was it triggered by the OW message?

 

actually it wasnt, it was triggered by her having a bad dream about the ow..so maybe it all tied in, who knows..

[Gamine]

It is truly a wonderful thing that you have done. You have set an impulse aside for someone of truly sustaining value. One day we will become old and tired... too tired in fact to keep up with so much drama and tearing down. Sabateurs are individuals who do not believe that they deserve (deep in their heart of hearts) good things and success. So they, almost as a compulsion, tear down. You tore down the marriage and are now building it back up again. Please go and speak to a psychologist (and/or real about it on the internet) about 'Sabateurs' and before the need to tear down comes again... you'll be ready.

 

It is so wonderful that you are remaining good and true. This 'sabateur' phenomenon is something that my husband was ultimately 'diagnosed' has having. This may speak to your issues regarding gambling as well. In other words, the affair was no different than gambling... it is really the same compulsion with a different 'tool' to make it happen.

 

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled for all of your life... check out the information on 'sabotaging' and I think you'd be surprised. It is a 'sneaky' psychological burden to carry.

 

Godspeed...

[aeh]

NS, As I have stated earlier, I think I am a week or two ahead of your wife (although I know everyone has different rates of recovery etc but so far, your W's situation so closely parallels mine). I am still in the anger stage (guess this will be a long stage:eek:), but some days are worse than others. I was having a slew of days last week that REALLY triggered a lot of anger. As soon as my H would go to work, I would think of something and just cry and cry these tears of anger and want to lash out. I was filled with fury at what he had done to me, to us, to our family. How could he? How could it go on for so long? etc. This week I am having a better week. Not sure what the difference is. I finally felt a couple of nights ago like I was 'rounding a corner on what I needed to know. I mean, we've talked about this til we're both blue in the face...you know the drill. up all night, talking whenever we have a moment away from the kids, as soon as they're occupied, asleep, whatever...talking on the phone during the day, texting and these questions come up in my mind or we start discussing it. But I finally felt like I had some 'handle' on it. I'm still angry, don't get me wrong, and that doesn't mean that I won't be right back in the fury stage later this afternoon maybe, but I am just saying that last week, I was absolutely trying to envision my life without my H, which I have never done before, and realizing I could handle that if I had to, and this week, I am, while still hurt and angry, not as furious as I was last week. Doesn't mean it won't change back in ten mins, but have hope that no matter what your wife says, that you will still fight for her. In one of these books I read, it was talking about the CS who wants to R really having to be the one who ACTS certain of a future together bc the BS might be so discouraged at times that the CS has to be the one to "pull them along" at times. I totally get that. I think if my H was waffling at all or acting in any way ambivalent about being there for me, etc then our marriage would be doomed. When I am angry, I don't feel like working on the marriage. I don't feel like having to "do trust exercises" or whatnot bc I am not the one who F*&*ed this up. So I need his constant reassurance.

[NOTSURE7]

It is truly a wonderful thing that you have done. You have set an impulse aside for someone of truly sustaining value. One day we will become old and tired... too tired in fact to keep up with so much drama and tearing down. Sabateurs are individuals who do not believe that they deserve (deep in their heart of hearts) good things and success. So they, almost as a compulsion, tear down. You tore down the marriage and are now building it back up again. Please go and speak to a psychologist (and/or real about it on the internet) about 'Sabateurs' and before the need to tear down comes again... you'll be ready.

 

It is so wonderful that you are remaining good and true. This 'sabateur' phenomenon is something that my husband was ultimately 'diagnosed' has having. This may speak to your issues regarding gambling as well. In other words, the affair was no different than gambling... it is really the same compulsion with a different 'tool' to make it happen.

 

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled for all of your life... check out the information on 'sabotaging' and I think you'd be surprised. It is a 'sneaky' psychological burden to carry.

 

Godspeed...

 

thank you, i will definetely read up on that, i think you might be onto something because that sounds like me.

[NOTSURE7]

NS, As I have stated earlier, I think I am a week or two ahead of your wife (although I know everyone has different rates of recovery etc but so far, your W's situation so closely parallels mine). I am still in the anger stage (guess this will be a long stage:eek:), but some days are worse than others. I was having a slew of days last week that REALLY triggered a lot of anger. As soon as my H would go to work, I would think of something and just cry and cry these tears of anger and want to lash out. I was filled with fury at what he had done to me, to us, to our family. How could he? How could it go on for so long? etc. This week I am having a better week. Not sure what the difference is. I finally felt a couple of nights ago like I was 'rounding a corner on what I needed to know. I mean, we've talked about this til we're both blue in the face...you know the drill. up all night, talking whenever we have a moment away from the kids, as soon as they're occupied, asleep, whatever...talking on the phone during the day, texting and these questions come up in my mind or we start discussing it. But I finally felt like I had some 'handle' on it. I'm still angry, don't get me wrong, and that doesn't mean that I won't be right back in the fury stage later this afternoon maybe, but I am just saying that last week, I was absolutely trying to envision my life without my H, which I have never done before, and realizing I could handle that if I had to, and this week, I am, while still hurt and angry, not as furious as I was last week. Doesn't mean it won't change back in ten mins, but have hope that no matter what your wife says, that you will still fight for her. In one of these books I read, it was talking about the CS who wants to R really having to be the one who ACTS certain of a future together bc the BS might be so discouraged at times that the CS has to be the one to "pull them along" at times. I totally get that. I think if my H was waffling at all or acting in any way ambivalent about being there for me, etc then our marriage would be doomed. When I am angry, I don't feel like working on the marriage. I don't feel like having to "do trust exercises" or whatnot bc I am not the one who F*&*ed this up. So I need his constant reassurance.

 

if i didnt know differently i would think you were my w, the story sounds exactly the same, when i am home and with her she seems much better than when i leave for work..

 

i have seen that she needs the re assurance and i have realized that eventhough i have talked about the same thing or answred a question a gazillion times she still wants and needs to hear it..

 

i feel that alot of the time she really just wants me to make it all better,of course my words alone will not do that and only my actions and time will....

 

so it sounds like she is progressing normaly...

[NOTSURE7]

this is some rollercoaster ride...we had pretty nice weekend, we went out together friday and saturday night, laughed alot,held hands,sunday we had a nice day at my parents house.sunday night was ok, we didnt talk that much but did talk about how things are going now and we both agreed it has been nice,like we are falling in love all over again..i have been open and honest and loving and i am really being attentive to her needs and vice versa.

 

then bam,this morning she wakes up and asks me a few details about the A and i as always answer them and she starts to cry and the anger sets in and she talks about the hurt and how could i do this to her and the kids,she says she isisnt showing anger but is showing hurt,it seems angery to me..so i apologize as there isint really much i can say to say, but i do try and make it better.

 

from what i have read on ls and what alot of you have conveyed to me,I know this is all normal of a bs

 

I know it might be hard for some to try and help a wh but can anyone help me here or give me any tips on how to handle the anger of my bs? i know my words will not heal and that only my actions and time will help, i have been really showing her how i feel with my actions but i guess its those moments were everything blows up that i need some advice on dealing with..

[confusedinkansas]

I know it might be hard for some to try and help a wh but can anyone help me here or give me any tips on how to handle the anger of my bs? i know my words will not heal and that only my actions and time will help, i have been really showing her how i feel with my actions but i guess its those moments were everything blows up that i need some advice on dealing with..

 

I can't offer much advice per se.....- Except be patient.

 

But, how is the counseling going? Your's & Hers? I assume she's in individual counseling as well.

 

Time really does make a difference. Over the course of the next few months - or maybe longer - she will question herself & you over & over again. And, just like this one - having a great weekend & BAM on Monday...Well It's Monday - Think about it. You're going back to work. You won't be there for her 24 hours a day. She has to be alone with her thoughts & not knowing for sure where you are. Whether you've assured her or not. That could have triggered this morning. But you probably already thought about that. Talk about this in your joint counseling session. The counselor should be able to give you & her some advice & homework - to work on so it will help her thru times like this.

[PhoenixRise]

this is some rollercoaster ride...we had pretty nice weekend, we went out together friday and saturday night, laughed alot,held hands,sunday we had a nice day at my parents house.sunday night was ok, we didnt talk that much but did talk about how things are going now and we both agreed it has been nice,like we are falling in love all over again..i have been open and honest and loving and i am really being attentive to her needs and vice versa.

 

then bam,this morning she wakes up and asks me a few details about the A and i as always answer them and she starts to cry and the anger sets in and she talks about the hurt and how could i do this to her and the kids,she says she isisnt showing anger but is showing hurt,it seems angery to me..so i apologize as there isint really much i can say to say, but i do try and make it better.

 

from what i have read on ls and what alot of you have conveyed to me,I know this is all normal of a bs

 

I know it might be hard for some to try and help a wh but can anyone help me here or give me any tips on how to handle the anger of my bs? i know my words will not heal and that only my actions and time will help, i have been really showing her how i feel with my actions but i guess its those moments were everything blows up that i need some advice on dealing with..

 

Notsure

 

Much of your contact with your OW happened when you were at work right? For a while you leaving for work might be a trigger for your wife. When you are with her and visibly makeing an effort she feels hope. Then when you go to work, she feels fear. She is afraid that you are showing her the man she always wanted to be but that you are making a fool of her.

 

The only advise I can give you for how to deal with it is just apologize. If you feel this way, tell her you are sorry that you ever did anything that hurt her so badly or made her feel so unsure of you. Then apologize again, and again, and again.

 

Don't try to justify anything. When she is raging don't bring up the issues you feel she needs to work on or the issues in the marriage. Bring those up when things are calm or in MC.

 

Her anger is justified. Her fear is justified too. All you can do is show remorse and take actions that back it up.

[NOTSURE7]

I can't offer much advice per se.....- Except be patient.

 

But, how is the counseling going? Your's & Hers? I assume she's in individual counseling as well.

 

Time really does make a difference. Over the course of the next few months - or maybe longer - she will question herself & you over & over again. And, just like this one - having a great weekend & BAM on Monday...Well It's Monday - Think about it. You're going back to work. You won't be there for her 24 hours a day. She has to be alone with her thoughts & not knowing for sure where you are. Whether you've assured her or not. That could have triggered this morning. But you probably already thought about that. Talk about this in your joint counseling session. The counselor should be able to give you & her some advice & homework - to work on so it will help her thru times like this.

 

yes i know patience, time and consistency in my everyday actions and feelings will help and is probably the only answer, i was just hoping someone might have some insighful ideas for me to help me to help her heal,i know there arent many wh besides me who post but maybe some bs can help me out.

 

i do beleive you are 100% right that monday morning brought this upon us, i had taken off friday to be with her and family and then we had a nice weekend and yes of course come monday she knows i am not going to be around all day and eventhough she knows where i am its different than me being there with her.

 

the counseling is going ok, i have had one ic session and i have another this week, we had one mc session and as the first session it was rough,then i met with our mc this weekend by myself and my w will meet with her by herself this week. the counseling sessions seem to make things worse as i gues it ratchets everything up but it allows my w to speak and get some things out so i hope counsling will prove beneficial to us., she is not in her own ic and doesnt wish to be..

[bentnotbroken]

Ever heard the term "it's darkest before dawn"? That's where you are now. All the dark lies are coming out. They have to have light shed on them in order to be exorcised. The word seems..is a key word. For years your wife thought her marriage was great, it seemed fine, it wasn't. Seems is a confusing and tricky word. But one thing to remember it isn't always reality.

 

All the pain and anger you see now are actually healing. It's like a drug to control hypertension. You can't see the healing going on in the body, but it is happening. She is dealing with reality now and believe or not, that is healing in itself. Now grow chicken wings now. Stiffen your backbone, take what she has to give, apologize, hold her when she needs to be held, leave her alone when she wants to be left alone, read everything you can get your hands on, continue counseling, continue to facing yourself. All these things will help her even if you think it won't.

 

Ask her what she needs from you to help in her healing. Ask her to be completely honest with her feelings. Show absolute concern for her even when it is uncomfortable for you.

[EarthGirl]

I've read a lot of this thread..skipped around..I admit I didn't read the whole thing it is awfully long...but it's nice to see a whole story folding out online and so many people coming back to try to help. It's very interesting compared to the kinds of things you usually see on message boards...arguments about religion and politics, people saying horrible things they would never say in person, etc...threads that people get bored with and just die.

 

Anyway, it's all very interesting, people are really giving their life experience advice, which is the best kind of advice, far better than anything you can get from "professionals".

 

One thing that bothers me though and I've heard a few other people mention is that the OP started off this thread talking about how in love he was with this other woman and he thought about her all the time and really was an equal with her and had a connection he clearly felt he did not have with his wife.

 

The thing that bothers me is that (unless I have missed something, I did admit that I have not read every single post, there are a lot of pages, I did my best, I don't have a great attention span) he doesn't seem to have anywhere mentioned anything about how he feels about his wife except that he feels horribly guilty for hurting her so and they have a "foundation" and a "history". Forgive me but when I read that I was like..."BORING!"

 

I realize that not everyone is a "hopeless romantic" (as always emphasis on the hopeless) like me, and ideally I think a marriage SHOULD become more of a friendship in some ways, and it's natural for there to be phases when things are not as intensely passionate and magical and joyful as they once were...BUT I do think there should also be periodic phases where hopefully that stuff comes back. I do think marriage can also be about partnership, in some cases even partnership in business or artistic areas, and of course in raising children...But ultimately love is SUPPOSED to be magical and passionate and exciting AND safe all at the same time. If you only have safety left I think there is a problem. Even as you get much older and may have slowed down and not have as much sexual desire or have health problems that prevent it or what have you, and may not do the deed nearly as often or even at all...There should still be a memory of that excitement that stays close by with you and the same connection you had with your spouse in the beginning manifested in different ways. I mean who wants to be 90 years old in their last days and have to spend all their time reading the newspaper and eating grilled cheese and watching jeapardy with someone that they stayed with because it was safe and established. I imagine it gets boring enough when you can't do a lot of the stuff you used to be able to do.

 

And yes, your grandchildren will be able to go to the same place to visit you, but if a family doesn't start out with true love and the couple (parents or grandparents) stay together, to me, I have this belief/theory that that creates a kind of toxin, a virus that may spread to all family members eventually and can cause harmful effects in their lives. I feel that unfortunately with my parents. Fortunately my maternal grandparents are obviously soulmates and love eachother dearly and in turn they have been a very stabilizing force on the entire family. In my opinion sometimes it's better to destroy a family and put it all back together in a different way, no matter how traumatizing, than to stay together in an unhealthy relationship.

[aeh]

Notsure, wanting to see what progress is being made? Are you and your W more affectionate now than before? Does she ever get through a day without crying? What's going on in your situation?

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure, wanting to see what progress is being made? Are you and your W more affectionate now than before? Does she ever get through a day without crying? What's going on in your situation?

 

thanks for asking aeh, i hope all is well for you....

 

we are on a very bumpy road right now,things go well and the simplest things trigger her and things get rough again, we went to mc today so that helped a bit but its a tough time in my life all around,alot of things going on, so we are doing the best we can right now,me cheating on her is not an easy thing for her to get passed but we continue to work at it and i continue to try and be open honest and accountable and meet her needs, but i will say there have been and will continue to be many bumps along the way..

 

we have been very affectionate and have many nice moments during this tough time,i dont think she gets through a day without crying, we are only 7 weeks post dday so i assume thats normal, she is still asking why and how but not as much as at the beggining,we are trying to live in the present as much as possible but of course the past is tough to forget..

 

so we continue to try and strengthen our m,personally i have my ups and downs, i get sad and mad at myself and sometimes feel worthless myself for the life i have led,i have only had 7 weeks to try and make everything better and in a short period i do feel i have done ok..but its a hard dynamic and especially when you have 3 young kids involved,they dont know anything but you have to try and always keep a brave face for them, even on days when you dont even want to get up and face the day.

 

so thats where i am at aeh....just 7 weeks into what will be a long period of falling in love all over again and creasting a healthy,happy,strong and honest M..

[zilgurl]

Are you sure about that?

Are you positive she has no clue?

If you are as unhappy as you say you are here - I'd think she'd be picking up on that. Most women who tool along thru life & have happy marriages - notice when things aren't quite right. I can understand your fooling her in the beginning - she didn't have anything or any behaviors to go on. But now - You sound SO miserable. Don't you think she could pick up on this?

 

I once heard a counsellor say if there is one unhappy person in the relationship then the other will be too.