All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

i am definetely for real and trying to get help here.no the ow never said she would accept all of those this things and i dont think she expects me to bring that with me,she is experincing all of that with her current H.

[NOTSURE7]

as strange as it is i do give her the love back,i deal with my unhappiness by myself and yes it affects certain things i do now more than ever but even as i had the affiar i gave my wife what she needs,and i know this because she tells me all the time how happy and lucky she feels.

 

i guess its hard for me to see the future,i would want her to be happy and secure but i know me leaving will break her heart in half, this isisnt ego,this is fact.my children would be depressed and basically i would cause mass destruction.

[whichwayisup]

I know you're trying to get help here and that's the first step. The more honest and open you are, the better you'll feel - I won't judge you, it's not my place to.

 

Just hope with the help of others here, maybe in time you'll be ready to actually get the nerve up to make a call, do counselling.

[NOTSURE7]

i agree owl and i know that all it takes is 30 seconds and the conversation has begun, i thought about writing a letter or being a coward but i know that if i do it it has to be done the right way.

 

i think my thing is that if i am going to stay with her i am not going to tell her about the affair,i dont see the point,i will only admit the affair if i am planning to leave, i know you all think its for self reasons but i truly do not want to hurt her.

 

i know its wrong and that she needs to know but i live under the if they dont know it wont hurt policy and i dont see myself admitting the affair if i plan to stay.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, why would you stay with your wife? I think deep down this is a cry for help and you just need that push to go. COUNSELLING. (yeah I know i"m pushing this, but it could save you)

 

If you plan on telling her the truth, tell her beacuse she deserves to know not because it'll make your life easier. Leave or not, tell her so she can atleast know that she isn't crazy. Maybe she's just as good as hiding her feelings and deep thoughts.

[NOTSURE7]

thank you for that fooled, i am glad it worked out and everyone sounds like they are doing great.

 

see for me i am such an intergral part of my kids lives,in fact they joke at school that i am always there,driving them,walking them to class,i attend every function and coach all their teams.so i dont ever see that stopping no matter what,i wouldnt move far,in fact if i could i would live next door.

 

i agree on the intriduction of another woman that quick,although my ow also has 3 young children close in age,but yet i dont know if thats the route i will take..

[angie2443]

But all this is IN an affair setting, not 'real' life. Hearing about someone's past, their flaws, deepest secrets is one thing but LIVING through it is another

.

 

This is one of the wisest things I've heard in a long time!

[NOTSURE7]

i know full well that no internet board will give me the help i need but i have to say i appreciate everything so far and it has been helpful to me.

 

this is my first step, i have never opened up and asked for help in my life as you can probably all tell.

 

i knew i would be judged and even called names but i need to hear everything as long as its honest and serves a purpose

[NOTSURE7]

yes this is a huge cry for help, i need that push,in fact i often hoped i would get caught cheating just so she would confront me like she did with the gambling,when she confronted mew with the gambling i opened up a bit, but i always have something else or someone else to blame and i always have anew story. in fact before we got married i started to break it off and she cried and i went into all of my family issues etc etc and i stayed with it and now here i am.

 

i dont think she is hiding her feelings at all, i think she lays it out there, do i think sometimes she wonders about me yes, but overall i think she beleives i am a good human being who loves his wife and children.

 

i know everyone deserves to know the truth but i am being honest that i just dont see myself telling her if i decide to stay, if i decide to go then i will 100% tell her about the affair whther i go to the ow or not.

[whichwayisup]

No, it won't give you the help you actually need, but it does get the ball rolling and you get support along the way.

 

I hope you keep posting here.

[NOTSURE7]

angie i agree its a very wise statement, in an affair is alot easier than in real life, evern if i go to the ow,we have 6 kids among us,2 exes,lots of problems, i know its not reality and reality is at home

[NOTSURE7]

i will keep posting here, i find this to be a great place for people to talk about things and share experiences, especially people like me who have nobody to talk too and keep it all inside.

 

i keep going back and forth on what i should do,anytime me and the wife argue or talk i say ok now is the time but then i get past it and move on,then i will say ok i made my mind up i have to leave and i will see my kids or they will hug and kiss me or tel me about there day and i say i cant do this.

 

i dont know what will be,i really dont

[whichwayisup]

I think, for now atleast, is to leave the OW out of the picture. Don't even start to think/fantasize about a life with her, having a blended family. Chances are, even if that did happen it would be YEARS before those kids would accept a step parent. Don't entertain those thoughts.

[whichwayisup]

One thing, don't wait until an argument happens to tell her about this stuff. You'd be better off shipping the kids to the grandparents for a weekend and you two talk without them around.

[NOTSURE7]

at this moment i have no plans to email the ow back, we had a little dialogue yesterday and she said she wishes things were different and she feels so bad about this and i mean the world to her and i am amazing but the facts remain the same that if i am not willing to leave my W then me and the ow really have nowhere left to go,she wants all or nothing and she still hasnt left her H either.

 

i have often fantasized about life with her,but again this is the fantasy of the awesome things,not the being a step parent ,bills etc etc things

[NOTSURE7]

i think your right but if this happens i honestly know it will probably be as result of an arguement about something else and then i will just let it all out, but i agree i wouldnt want the kids anywhere near.but i am not sure i will make those arrangements as if it happens it will just happen

[Owl]

i will keep posting here, i find this to be a great place for people to talk about things and share experiences, especially people like me who have nobody to talk too and keep it all inside.

 

i keep going back and forth on what i should do,anytime me and the wife argue or talk i say ok now is the time but then i get past it and move on,then i will say ok i made my mind up i have to leave and i will see my kids or they will hug and kiss me or tel me about there day and i say i cant do this.

 

i dont know what will be,i really dont

 

Here's something you'd do well to consider.

 

This board is fine as a place to start working on things...but one thing you'll find from most long term posters like myself and many others...

 

We don't like to just sit here and offer the same advice to someone...day after day after day after day after day....and see them want to do nothing but talk about it.

 

That's a waste of EVERYONE'S time and effort.

 

Coming here to talk about the problems...fine for a while.

 

Coming here to talk endlessly about the problems with no real intent to implement changes to fix them...not so fine.

 

You're getting tons of support at the moment...because people are hoping that this will actually help you.

 

If you drag this out...you'll likely find this place will be a lot less than what you hope for. We're here to offer help and support...most of us don't want to see this turn into an endless discussion on the same thing with no action being taken.

 

Just something to consider.

[fooled once]

When the kids are asleep tonight, do like Owl suggested and get the ball rolling.

 

"Honey, I am not happy and haven't been for a while. While I care deeply for you, I am not in-love with you. I have been thinking about this for a while and I think we need to separate".

 

Personally, I would leave the OW/affairs out of it. WHY hurt her so badly? What has she done to deserve it?

 

on the other hand, I know the arguements that she deserves to know the truth.

 

Wait -- and just start the conversation. She doesn't need to know about the affairs right away because she will start thinking

 

what did I do wrong

am I not pretty enough

am I not thin enough

am I not smart enough

why? why her and not me?

What is wrong with me?

 

Those are tough questions -- and every OW who "lost" the MM she was seeing can tell you that those questions go through our minds and sometimes, we take a long time to recover from it.

 

Imagine being the wife and having those questions -- and the kids to raise, etc.

 

I personally vote waiting to tell about the affairs.

[NOTSURE7]

owl i hear that and i understand that, i dont want to drag on about the same things at all, as you can see i am here answering every person who takes there valuable time to try and offer me advice, i think my new posts have sparked new conversations but once its done it will be me who needs to make the choices

[NOTSURE7]

fooled that is a very interesting post, i havent seen many who say leave the affairs or ow out of it,i do agree that telling her about an ow on top of the fact i am not happy is alot to handle.

 

but on the flip side it makes it alot easier because i am at least giving her a good reason why i am not happy,other than that it might all sound silly,like i need freedom,we are different people, i just dont know if she will accept that all and understand why thats enough for me to leave her and the children and the life we have built.i guess admitting the affair makes it easier to walk out the door.

[NOTSURE7]

by the way fooled, my ow didnt lose me,she chose to go work on her marriage and give her H one last shot but i think it more has to do with her belief that i never will leave my W and she is being realistic or maybe hoping that by not being in my life that i will do what i have to to be with her, but i dont think she plays mind games, i truly think she feels i wont leave and she can no longer carry on this way.

[PhoenixRise]

i know you should never assume, i agree with that but i just think she wouldnt understand me and never really has.

 

the counseling part is tough because then i have to admit problems,its hard for me admit anything in my life, i just hold it all inside and put on a happy face, i know everyone would think my wife and kids pick up on my unhappiness but to be honest they really dont,my wife would be shocked,i mean she wouldnt be shocked that i was capable due to the gambling history and what she knows about my family but i think she would be shocked that i have been disconnected for so long let alone cheating on her emotionally and physically.

 

i have thought about the ow issue, i even asked her the question,which was can you really trust me and even want me knowing that i can do this to my wife, i have opened up to this woman more than i have ever talked to anyone in my life,she was easy to talk too,smart,gave good advice and she gets me and understands me,she knows all of my faults and all of my history,she knows what i am all about, i truly think i could be happy and finally stop living the life of lies and secrets and deception and maybe finally be myself and live the life i deserve.

 

 

 

Exactly what kind of life do you think you deserve at this point? You are lying to your wife and cheating on her. You can not build a happy life on that kind of foundation.

 

You poured your heart out to the OW who at the end of the day went home to her husband. She even told you she is trying to make her marriage work but you assume that if you decided to leave your wife she would leave her husband for you.

 

But you assume that your wife wouldn't want to talk to you or meet your needs and you assume that all SHE needs to be happy is the piece of you you chose to share, financial security, and children to raise.

 

Have you ever probed beneath the surface to find out what your wife's hopes and dreams are? Have you ever taken any interest in her at all beyond her role as wife and mother?

 

You have issues that go far beyond your marriage. If you leave your wife to go to the OW you will take those issues with you. When the euphoria of the new realtionship dies down and you are dealing with the reality of children, stepchildren, pissed off ex husbands and your very probaly pissed off ex wife that euphoria will face reality and you will be on to your next soulmate.

 

I am not saying you should stay with your wife. I think your wife would probaly be better off without you long term since you say she has NEVER been right for you.

 

I am saying that leaving your wife will not solve your problem.

[NOTSURE7]

i agree that leaving probably wont solve my problems, i dont know what the answers really are.

 

i understand that leaving wife for the ow will not be all its cracked up to be once the newness dies off,i understand fantasy and reality and if i was so bent on doing that i would have left already.

 

i often wonder if i am just a cheat and will always be a cheat,i know that dosent solve anything and i hope that the fact that i am actually bothered by all of this and attempting to figure it out is hope for me

[Snowflower]

but on the flip side it makes it alot easier because i am at least giving her a good reason why i am not happy,other than that it might all sound silly,like i need freedom,we are different people, i just dont know if she will accept that all and understand why thats enough for me to leave her and the children and the life we have built.i guess admitting the affair makes it easier to walk out the door.

 

 

I think you answered your own question here. Read your last sentence in your post above. If you admit the affair...it will make it easier for you to walk out the door. In a nutshell, this is what you really want to do.

 

I say admit the affair, because it will destroy any illusions your wife will have about trying to save the marriage. You will be free to leave and have the freedom you are craving.

 

Your wife will know the truth and will be able to eventually move forward in a healthy way instead of asking herself repeatedly, "why did my husband end our marriage?: She now will have all the facts and can move forward.

 

I agree with Phoenix's post above that you should look at yourself afterward (after your marriage ends) though...it is not going to be all moonlight and roses with the OW either and that is IF she leaves her husband for you.

 

Good luck!

[NOTSURE7]

if i decide to leave i will definetely tell her about the affairs whether its for ease, she would deserve to know it and yes i beleive it makes it easier to realize i am not worth it.

 

i do not beleive i would run right to the ow,i think she made me realize alot about myself but i understand it will not be all roses,her kids will hate me etc etc. and yes she would have to be 100 % willing too which although i assume she will and she had basically said she would who really knows.

 

right now im leaning towards continuing to try and make my marriage work, i know everything i say and do contradicts that and i keep thinking i am doing this only for the children but i am hoping something will spark me. right now i am consumed and unable to focus on things, something must give.

 

so as of this moment i an nc with ow and trying to figure things out in my head. i just dont want to end up where i keep cheating and then 15 years from now i either get caught or realize i should have just left.

 

i guess i worry so much about how everyone else will be effected and i dont worry about how keeoing this charade up will hurt me and those around me, right now i am consumed and i even have people in my office asking me if i am ok.not good