All in My Head-Need it out

[Athena]

my son started crying this afternoon and asked my w why she is always crying,she was able to avoid the issue but its really all devastating

 

I think it's a really bad idea for your W and you to avoid your son's questions... else, being a child, he will naturally blame Himself for his mother's change in happiness...

While you do not have to tell him and your other children that you have cheated on their mother, you must tell him that you and mom have a problem, an adult problem that is making mom very sad, and you are both working hard to resolve it. That it is Nothing that your son did to cause it in anyway, and you want him to be assured that you and your wife are going to handle this problem until is is sorted out!

[NOTSURE7]

B-I-N-G-O. I confessed and never once regretted the confession. The cheating yes, the confession, no. The cheating caused my H's pain and took his freedom, the confession gave him his freedom back.

 

NS7 reminds me alot of my xMM. XMM and his W took it once step further in terms of shirking responsiblity, they blamed my H for getting the word out to the community. And yes I think my xMM has NPD and his wife is the codependent N.

 

NS7 you have to believe that you're making the right choices, including confession. Get to a therapist sooner rather than later. Most will accomodate people in a crisis situation.

 

i am not regretting the confession at all, i fully understand i needed to do that in order to live and honest life and true existeince, i was simply second guessing whether there was an alternative to seek help by myself first before revealing.but i see that it most likely wouldnt have given me the consequence i needed to make a real and lasting change..

 

i am going to ic next week, mc the following week

[Athena]

The cheating caused my H's pain and took his freedom, the confession gave him his freedom back.

 

I like the way you put this.

[NOTSURE7]

then i will come home and comfort her and talk to her because i am sure we have a long night ahead..

 

Why not give yourselves permission to take a much needed break tonight. Tell your wife that you know you that you have a long road ahead, and the there is much more to talk about and discuss, but ask her for both of your sakes if you two could spend some time together, tonight with out all of it and resume talks tomorrow. Maybe you could get a babysitter for a few hours and go do something simple that is something you don't usually do. rent a movie,play a board game, or something.

 

She might appreciate being given permission NOT to talk about it tonight, while knowing that that doesn't mean the discussions are over. Sounds like you could both use a break and something light hearted.

 

you are probably right,we have spoken of nothing else since dday, i did tell her earlier that maybe we can take a break and watch something funny so we will see how that goes.

 

i guess i know she wont really be taking a break and i dont want to leave her alone in this battle..

[NOTSURE7]

I think it's a really bad idea for your W and you to avoid your son's questions... else, being a child, he will naturally blame Himself for his mother's change in happiness...

While you do not have to tell him and your other children that you have cheated on their mother, you must tell him that you and mom have a problem, an adult problem that is making mom very sad, and you are both working hard to resolve it. That it is Nothing that your son did to cause it in anyway, and you want him to be assured that you and your wife are going to handle this problem until is is sorted out!

 

thanks for the advice..

[Athena]

thanks for the advice..

 

I did this with my own kids, who were teens, and I added (since they knew it involved my H's infidelity) that I did not expect them to, nor want them to, Picks Sides! That both H and I loved them both, and I expect them to love both their parents, and not to worry themselves with trying to makes things better between their parents, because WE, as the adults, were capable of doing this ourselves.

 

I saw immediately that my words put them at ease, so I knew it was the right thing to do.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

i guess i know she wont really be taking a break and i dont want to leave her alone in this battle..

 

She needs the break more than you can know. Plus, when does it end.... you get so used to the "talks" after D day ... that you start defining your relationships by the talks.

 

They are needed but you also need to put something else in there. I wish you could take her out for a change of venue for her sake. Heck even a walk around the block might be nice.

[Athena]

... obviously with your kids, who are much younger, and who don't have a clue about Affairs, etc, and don't know of you doing anything, you don't tell them the part about affairs, you just sum it up by saying the two of you have a 'problem' that you are both working on, and you are the adults and you are gonna work it out, but it will take time, and in the meantime, you don't want him to worry about it, because the two of you will sort it out in the end.

 

Take the responsibility off of him, and also give him a basic explanation that mom is upset and sad because of 'a problem' but it's not his to figure it out...

[NOTSURE7]

i guess i know she wont really be taking a break and i dont want to leave her alone in this battle..

 

She needs the break more than you can know. Plus, when does it end.... you get so used to the "talks" after D day ... that you start defining your relationships by the talks.

 

They are needed but you also need to put something else in there. I wish you could take her out for a change of venue for her sake. Heck even a walk around the block might be nice.

 

interestingly enough she went out by herself today shopping and although sad i beleive she bought sexy lingerie for me..so the outlet was a good thing for her, at least she was out of the house and by herself for a bit

[Athena]

interestingly enough she went out by herself today shopping and although sad i beleive she bought sexy lingerie for me..so the outlet was a good thing for her, at least she was out of the house and by herself for a bit

 

Sadly, her behavior is very telling -- see, it's all constantly on her mind -- even when she 'gave herself a break' and went out by herself shopping, she bought Something Sexy 'n Special to capture her Wandering H's attention...

 

It makes me wince. Reminds me of all the shyte I put myself thru with H's first few D-days -- me constantly thinking how to be better, more appealing, etc etc... and him showing me all the love and concern for my upset and hurt, while essentially avoiding doing the real work on HIM, and helping to reward me for searching for ways to be a better wife. grr

[taylor]

hi all- so today i am slipping into sort of a depression phase, its hard to feel bad about what i am going through because my W is about a 100 times worse, today i feel like i am having trouble living with myself and what i have done,i still dont have much support as i have not started ic and although my w listens ,she is really not one to support me right now..

 

anybody out there ever confess and have gone through the same range of emotions and can offer some guidance?..sometimes i get sad,angry,confused,feel alone and then there are times i just want to die.

 

Yes, NS, I've been there. Gone thru ALL the emotions, and more, that you are going thru now.

 

It will take months for you to feel normal again.

 

Don't hurry the process. You must walk thru it, not around it, for it to heal you.

 

Just a quick comment on what I bolded above.

 

This feeling of SELF-LOATHING, SELF-HATRED, is very normal and very common among waywards, like you and me, who feel deep remorse.

 

It's a good sign because it shows you care about what you have done to another human being and you take responsibility for your actions..no excuses, no justifications, no entitlements.

 

BUT..a warning. Too much self-loathing can be detrimental to recovery. It was the primary thing that prevented my husband and I to move forward in our recovery. I hated myself so much for what I did to him that I didn't want him to love me. I told him over and over I didn't deserve to be loved.

 

It's hard to love or be loved when you don't love yourself. Take care to not let self-hatred hinder progress..hinder intimacy. It was quite the challenge for about 9 months post D-day for my husband and I.

 

One day I said to myself, I've beat myself up enough about this, and I opened myself up to be loved by my husband again. It took nearly a year for this to happen.

 

I'm right with you, NS. I know what you are going through inside. Hang in there.

 

Keep posting for support. And rely on counseling heavily.

 

Another fantastic thing to do..JOURNAL. Write it all down. Read it again and again. You will marvel at the insight you gain from raw emotions you put down on paper. It will serve as an emotional release. And over time you will see your progress and it will give you hope and direction.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I invested in hoards of self-help books. "How to keep his interest" , "How to make your man love you forever", "How to become a sex goddess". Whatever! I remember the day very well when I trashed every one of them!

 

:lmao:

 

It's sad but part of the natural process I guess.

 

Well, I guess we know what NS will be doing tonight! I am glad she got out though.

[Athena]

I invested in hoards of self-help books. "How to keep his interest" , "How to make your man love you forever", "How to become a sex goddess". Whatever! I remember the day very well when I trashed every one of them!

 

:lmao:

 

I have yet to trash them....

[taylor]

Sadly, her behavior is very telling -- see, it's all constantly on her mind -- even when she 'gave herself a break' and went out by herself shopping, she bought Something Sexy 'n Special to capture her Wandering H's attention...

 

She went out to buy something sexy in an effort to get her self-esteem back that he has destroyed.

 

It's an effort to feel good about herself.

 

If he can show he still desires her, it will go a long way in helping her regain some of that self-esteem that she has lost.

 

I don't want the OP to think his wife bought this lingerie in an effort to reward him for anything. She absolutely did not.

[2sunny]

the bottom line is that growth is very painful. it's also very rewarding if you are willing to make the effort to repair your marriage.

 

it will take time and effort and a LOT of change.

 

the question remains - are you willing to go through the pain and effort; and do you have the courage that it will take to get to the other side a better man with a better marriage?

[confusedinkansas]

Yes, NS, I've been there. Gone thru ALL the emotions, and more, that you are going thru now.

 

It will take months for you to feel normal again.

 

This feeling of SELF-LOATHING, SELF-HATRED, is very normal and very common among waywards, like you and me, who feel deep remorse.

 

One day I said to myself, I've beat myself up enough about this, and I opened myself up to be loved by my husband again. It took nearly a year for this to happen.

 

I'm right with you, NS. I know what you are going through inside. Hang in there.

 

NS.....This is all very true. For some it takes longer for the self-hatred to stop. But it does stop. Forgiving yourself - that will happen in time as well.

I personally have days even now - YEARS Later...when I beat myself up. Heck, even if the other man creeps into my thoughts (we can't control those) even for a second, I beat myself up for it.

Over time.....things do get better. It may feel like to you NS that this pain will last forever....It doesn't.

Hang in there - You are at the beginning of this ~ Give it time.

 

I'm curious about your kids. What is the plan to tell them what's going on? Personally - since they are so young, I would not tell them much at all. But I go in to Mama Bear Protection mode when it comes to my kids. I don't believe in dragging kids thru marital difficulties. (divorces, affairs, financial burdens etc.) Even if it means you have to "Put On A Happy Face" for them. But that's just me.

[PhoenixRise]

interestingly enough she went out by herself today shopping and although sad i beleive she bought sexy lingerie for me..so the outlet was a good thing for her, at least she was out of the house and by herself for a bit

 

Notsure

 

 

This kind of hurt my heart for your wife. It sounds like she is bending over backwards to make herself good, enough, interesting enough, and sexy enough to keep your attention.

 

Maybe she thinks that if she were sexy enough, you wouldn't cheat.

 

I hope you guys get into IC and MC soon because you wife needs to be assured that it is not some lack in her as a woman that caused you to cheat.

[NOTSURE7]

NS.....This is all very true. For some it takes longer for the self-hatred to stop. But it does stop. Forgiving yourself - that will happen in time as well.

I personally have days even now - YEARS Later...when I beat myself up. Heck, even if the other man creeps into my thoughts (we can't control those) even for a second, I beat myself up for it.

Over time.....things do get better. It may feel like to you NS that this pain will last forever....It doesn't.

Hang in there - You are at the beginning of this ~ Give it time.

 

I'm curious about your kids. What is the plan to tell them what's going on? Personally - since they are so young, I would not tell them much at all. But I go in to Mama Bear Protection mode when it comes to my kids. I don't believe in dragging kids thru marital difficulties. (divorces, affairs, financial burdens etc.) Even if it means you have to "Put On A Happy Face" for them. But that's just me.

 

i know, i just beat myself up so much and looking back on the A and my life it was all so stupid,but i know time will heal and i am doing my best right now.

 

as far as the kids, they know nothing and will never know anything,My W has been able to keep just enough of a happy face for them. yes they have wondered why mommy is crying and mommy and daddy are talking so much but they see us together and i am home and never left so they seem to not be too concerned right now..the last thing i want to do is hurt my children on top of everything else.so happy faces are on for the kids and hopefully it will all work out and they will enver know a thing.

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure

 

 

This kind of hurt my heart for your wife. It sounds like she is bending over backwards to make herself good, enough, interesting enough, and sexy enough to keep your attention.

 

Maybe she thinks that if she were sexy enough, you wouldn't cheat.

 

I hope you guys get into IC and MC soon because you wife needs to be assured that it is not some lack in her as a woman that caused you to cheat.

 

i agree phoenix and i have felt bad about that,through this all she seems so intent on showing me that she can be good enough and all i ever need.i feel bad and i tell her over and over that she is good enough and sexy enough.i even told her she dosent have to feel that she needs to do something everyday and that alot of this wasnt about that.

 

we have mc appt next week and i have an ic appt this week...

[PhoenixRise]

Well Notsure

 

 

Good luck with your IC and you MC. I hope both you and your wife get the healing that you need. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing as much as you can to make things right. It will just take time.

[NOTSURE7]

Well Notsure

 

 

Good luck with your IC and you MC. I hope both you and your wife get the healing that you need. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing as much as you can to make things right. It will just take time.

 

yes we are doing all we can right now,i never left the house,she never asked me too, in fact i am meeting her for a lunch date today..

[NOTSURE7]

so it was an ok weekend,friday night i actually took 2 of my kids to my sisters house for a bday party for their cousin, it was a sobering experience as my sister is 4 months into a nasty divorce and her wH who has left her and her 2 little ones for his Ow and her 3 kids and moved out of state to boot, it was very sobering for me to see the house empty,no father there on his sons birthday and the effect all of it had on my sister who never even got a chance to work on her M and she is still hysterically crying and left with so many unanswred questions. i actually came home and had a breakdown myself to my W, all part of the process i assume.

 

as far as myself and the W things are going ok,friday night was alot of talking and she started to sleep a bit which was nice.saturday was a fairly normal day,she got out a bit by herself and i watched kids,then sunday afternoon she had a breakdown again and we talked it out,its a very surreal proccess as well as frusturating at times.she is just so sad and it pains me to watch.

 

ok so whats with the sex? lol, she is ready to go everyday, i actually had to tell her i was tired and needed a break. is this just a stage?

 

on a more serious note,she slept a bit last night too and the crying seems to be getting less which i am hoping are good signs.we talk alot and will begin mc next week and i begin ic this week.i am meeting her for lunch today and we have begun texting eachother during day which has been nice.

 

aside from all of the deep issues i had a nice weekend as it felt good to be 100% there for my kids and W.

 

does everything sound normal so far? although everyone is different, any ideas on what i should be expecting next?, i like to try to get an idea ahead of time so i can understand it and help the proccess..

[Owl]

It's called "hysterical bonding". She's re-establishing (to herself mostly) that you're still hers.

 

Very, very common reaction in BS's and WS's sometimes.

 

What's next is likely a few more weeks of the same. One moment, great. Next moment, major setbacks.

 

After that...expect the anger to REALLY set in.

 

Remember...this is a marathon. It's going to take MONTHS to feel like you're making headway...years to really recover. Don't expect this to be over by the end of next week.

[PhoenixRise]

so it was an ok weekend,friday night i actually took 2 of my kids to my sisters house for a bday party for their cousin, it was a sobering experience as my sister is 4 months into a nasty divorce and her wH who has left her and her 2 little ones for his Ow and her 3 kids and moved out of state to boot, it was very sobering for me to see the house empty,no father there on his sons birthday and the effect all of it had on my sister who never even got a chance to work on her M and she is still hysterically crying and left with so many unanswred questions. i actually came home and had a breakdown myself to my W, all part of the process i assume.

 

as far as myself and the W things are going ok,friday night was alot of talking and she started to sleep a bit which was nice.saturday was a fairly normal day,she got out a bit by herself and i watched kids,then sunday afternoon she had a breakdown again and we talked it out,its a very surreal proccess as well as frusturating at times.she is just so sad and it pains me to watch.

 

ok so whats with the sex? lol, she is ready to go everyday, i actually had to tell her i was tired and needed a break. is this just a stage?

 

on a more serious note,she slept a bit last night too and the crying seems to be getting less which i am hoping are good signs.we talk alot and will begin mc next week and i begin ic this week.i am meeting her for lunch today and we have begun texting eachother during day which has been nice.

 

aside from all of the deep issues i had a nice weekend as it felt good to be 100% there for my kids and W.

 

does everything sound normal so far? although everyone is different, any ideas on what i should be expecting next?, i like to try to get an idea ahead of time so i can understand it and help the proccess..

 

 

I think that the GOOD thing about all of this is that you and your wife are able to keep talking to each other. This is so important.

 

AND yes. I think everything you are going through is all part of the process. I know in my case, after dday the sex me and H increased dramatically. For me it was about reclaiming my self esteem and feeling attractive again, and regaining my confidence. For H it was about him wanting to prove that he WAS attracted to me and that I DID satisfy him sexually. It was a lot of sex and on some levels, it was a lot of fun but initally, at its roots it was more about fear of losing each other than about true desire for each other.

 

As we have healed and started doing the work of building a new marriage for ourselves, this aspect of our recovery has worked out very nicely for us both.

 

As for your sister. I know she doesn't believe this now but I believe that if your BIL didn't love her, wasn't happy in the marriage, and wanted to go, then he did the right thing by leaving the marriage. Now I don't think he should have moved so far away from his children so that he could not be a regular part of their lives (I think one day he will regret this). But I don't think anyone should stay in a marriage if they are no longer willing to work to make it better. Your sister deserves the chance to have someone in her life who thinks she is the best and most wonderful woman in the world and as I have said from the beginning, your wife deserves the same. Hopefully in your case, that person will be you .

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Just wanted to say that I'm glad things are working out for you and your family. There is nothing more precious than a truly committed couple that has each other's back through thick and thin. I hope things continue to improve for you two.