All in My Head-Need it out

[NOTSURE7]

It's called "hysterical bonding". She's re-establishing (to herself mostly) that you're still hers.

 

Very, very common reaction in BS's and WS's sometimes.

 

What's next is likely a few more weeks of the same. One moment, great. Next moment, major setbacks.

 

After that...expect the anger to REALLY set in.

 

Remember...this is a marathon. It's going to take MONTHS to feel like you're making headway...years to really recover. Don't expect this to be over by the end of next week.

 

its weird but i already feel like we are making headway..i know thats not realistic but it feels that way.

 

so there will definetely be an anger stage to come?, that actually sent a chill through my chest when i read that, i mean she has been angry at times but we seem to be working through it, is the anger stage a definite stage or do you think it can be different depending on the couple?

[NOTSURE7]

I think that the GOOD thing about all of this is that you and your wife are able to keep talking to each other. This is so important.

 

AND yes. I think everything you are going through is all part of the process. I know in my case, after dday the sex me and H increased dramatically. For me it was about reclaiming my self esteem and feeling attractive again, and regaining my confidence. For H it was about him wanting to prove that he WAS attracted to me and that I DID satisfy him sexually. It was a lot of sex and on some levels, it was a lot of fun but initally, at its roots it was more about fear of losing each other than about true desire for each other.

 

As we have healed and started doing the work of building a new marriage for ourselves, this aspect of our recovery has worked out very nicely for us both.

 

As for your sister. I know she doesn't believe this now but I believe that if your BIL didn't love her, wasn't happy in the marriage, and wanted to go, then he did the right thing by leaving the marriage. Now I don't think he should have moved so far away from his children so that he could not be a regular part of their lives (I think one day he will regret this). But I don't think anyone should stay in a marriage if they are no longer willing to work to make it better. Your sister deserves the chance to have someone in her life who thinks she is the best and most wonderful woman in the world and as I have said from the beginning, your wife deserves the same. Hopefully in your case, that person will be you .

 

yes i agree on my sisters case..

 

the sex has been an odd thing within this whole proccess.

 

can i ask, did you have an anger stage that set in weeks or months past dday?

[NOTSURE7]

Just wanted to say that I'm glad things are working out for you and your family. There is nothing more precious than a truly committed couple that has each other's back through thick and thin. I hope things continue to improve for you two.

 

so far things seem to be improving but i worry about the stages that might set in after it all sinks in, right now she seems to really be working hard too try and move forward. dont get me wrong, i dont expect this to be easy at all, it just surprises me that an anger stage will be coming.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The anger stages will come back and be worse than you have dealt with. Its part of discovering that type of betrayal. She's still in the very early stages. Its not something you can kiss and make go away.

 

The anger as the shock wears off will be worse, and harder to talk through. IC should help her, hopefully your MC will suggest it. Enjoy the good times and stay by her side.

 

I also wouldn't turn down sex right now. It will lessen. As crazy as it seems, it appears to be a normal reaction.

 

A look into the mind of a Betrayed Spouse.... - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

This is very interesting from the pov of a BS relating to the journey to recovery with her H. Bare in mind though, that this was only a PA, not an EA.

[PhoenixRise]

yes i agree on my sisters case..

 

the sex has been an odd thing within this whole proccess.

 

can i ask, did you have an anger stage that set in weeks or months past dday?

 

 

 

OH YEAH

 

There was anger that I didn't even know I was capable of. I thought back over the lies he told. I thought about the times that I was lonely when he was gone (I thought for business purposes only). I thought about how many times I was tired of dealing with our child solo. I thought all the effort and attention he gave the OW that I deserved for myself. I thought about the fact that when he was IN the affair he was clearly devaluing me and our family.

 

I got so mad I scared him to death. Hell, I even scared myself a little.

 

BUT

 

For me that anger was very healing. I needed to get angry because I needed to recognize that I DID deserve to be treated much better. I did deserve my husband's undivided attention and love. I did deserve to have a true partner and if my H was not going to be a true partner I needed to walk away from HIM. My anger woke me up and made me start demanding a better life for myself.

 

I didn't stay angry though. AND hopefully, your wife will get all the help and support she needs so that she won't stay angry.

 

Don't even begin to hope that she won't GET angry. She will. and even though it will be tough for you try to look at it this way: You want to love a WHOLE woman right? Not some beaten down fearful shell of a person.

[NOTSURE7]

The anger stages will come back and be worse than you have dealt with. Its part of discovering that type of betrayal. She's still in the very early stages. Its not something you can kiss and make go away.

 

The anger as the shock wears off will be worse, and harder to talk through. IC should help her, hopefully your MC will suggest it. Enjoy the good times and stay by her side.

 

I also wouldn't turn down sex right now. It will lessen. As crazy as it seems, it appears to be a normal reaction.

 

A look into the mind of a Betrayed Spouse.... - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

This is very interesting from the pov of a BS relating to the journey to recovery with her H. Bare in mind though, that this was only a PA, not an EA.

 

that was a very interesting read...and i definetely am not looking forward to what is to come but i know i must in order to make this marriage work.

[NOTSURE7]

OH YEAH

 

There was anger that I didn't even know I was capable of. I thought back over the lies he told. I thought about the times that I was lonely when he was gone (I thought for business purposes only). I thought about how many times I was tired of dealing with our child solo. I thought all the effort and attention he gave the OW that I deserved for myself. I thought about the fact that when he was IN the affair he was clearly devaluing me and our family.

 

I got so mad I scared him to death. Hell, I even scared myself a little.

 

BUT

 

For me that anger was very healing. I needed to get angry because I needed to recognize that I DID deserve to be treated much better. I did deserve my husband's undivided attention and love. I did deserve to have a true partner and if my H was not going to be a true partner I needed to walk away from HIM. My anger woke me up and made me start demanding a better life for myself.

 

I didn't stay angry though. AND hopefully, your wife will get all the help and support she needs so that she won't stay angry.

 

Don't even begin to hope that she won't GET angry. She will. and even though it will be tough for you try to look at it this way: You want to love a WHOLE woman right? Not some beaten down fearful shell of a person.

 

yes i understand...basically this is just a nightmare that will never end.

[taylor]

it just surprises me that an anger stage will be coming.

 

WHY in the world would this surprise you??!!

 

Everything your wife is doing now she is doing out of fear.

 

When she is no longer afraid, she WILL get angry.

 

And you can't think of one reason why your wife might get angry at you??

[PhoenixRise]

yes i understand...basically this is just a nightmare that will never end.

 

 

I didn't say that Notsure.

 

It is just something that you will have to go through if you WANT to recover your marriage.

 

Your wife has every right to be angry.

 

You can both come out of this better and stronger if your both want to do the work to make it so.

 

Today My husband and I are both glad we did and are doing the work

[NOTSURE7]

WHY in the world would this surprise you??!!

 

Everything your wife is doing now she is doing out of fear.

 

When she is no longer afraid, she WILL get angry.

 

And you can't think of one reason why your wife might get angry at you??

 

i can think of many reasons she will get angry, i was more saying that she seems to already be getting angry at times and sad and a whole range of emotions. so i was surprised that that will all change to just anger..so basically all these nice moments and conversations we are having do not mean anything really because right now she is just talking out of fear?

but i guess i can see that when she is no longer afraid she will get really angry.

[Snowflower]

Unfortunately for you, NS7, yes, an anger stage is absolutely coming for your wife. Brace yourself for it. But it will be okay, I promise!

 

It might take her a little while to get to the anger stage, but she will get there. YOU betrayed her in just about the worst way possible. She believed in you and and look what happened to her. Yes, she WILL get angry.

 

It took me a few weeks after d-day/reconciliation to find my anger. My friends, family, and therapist were all a bit worried about me because I "didn't seem all that angry" in those early weeks. My therapist was concerned that I would never really 'heal' if I didn't eventually get angry. And, I DID eventually get angry...it is just took me a little while to process to the point that I could get angry.

 

Your wife will reach that point, in her own way, on her own timeframe. When she does get to the anger stage...let her be angry. Don't try to tell her (even inadvertently) to get over it or try to hurry her through it or encourage her to submerge it...otherwise it will turn into a deep bitterness or resentment for her that will seriously undermine any hope for a happy marriage in the future. So please, when she reaches her angry stage, let her work through it in her own way, for as long as it takes. It will be much better for her, for you, even for your kids if she can do this in her own way and let her anger run its course.

 

But, your wife will work through her anger, I promise. I worked through my own intense anger, and yes, it was intense in the beginning and my husband "took it." It was probably one of the best things he could have done for me, for us, as we worked through this. And it wasn't like I was angry all the time, but the first couple of months it would seem to flare up out of nowhere. I would cry, scream, yell, but each time I would let it all out and eventually my anger ran its course. I think it (anger) is one of the biggest healing processes that a BS has to go through in order to come out of this ordeal as a healthy, loving individual.

 

Best of luck, NS7, as you navigate your way through this. I think you're strong enough for you and your wife as you guys work through this.

[NOTSURE7]

I didn't say that Notsure.

 

It is just something that you will have to go through if you WANT to recover your marriage.

 

Your wife has every right to be angry.

 

You can both come out of this better and stronger if your both want to do the work to make it so.

 

Today My husband and I are both glad we did and are doing the work

 

i understand..i guess i had some hope that we could get through this easier, i know thats unrealistic but i was hoping.

 

can i ask, when does the fear really subside, i assume when you say fear you mean right now she is reacting because she dosent want to lose me and is scared, so why does that stage eventually end?, what happens inside to make it end?, wont she always in her mind worry about that possibility no matter what i say

[NOTSURE7]

Unfortunately for you, NS7, yes, an anger stage is absolutely coming for your wife. Brace yourself for it. But it will be okay, I promise!

 

It might take her a little while to get to the anger stage, but she will get there. YOU betrayed her in just about the worst way possible. She believed in you and and look what happened to her. Yes, she WILL get angry.

 

It took me a few weeks after d-day/reconciliation to find my anger. My friends, family, and therapist were all a bit worried about me because I "didn't seem all that angry" in those early weeks. My therapist was concerned that I would never really 'heal' if I didn't eventually get angry. And, I DID eventually get angry...it is just took me a little while to process to the point that I could get angry.

 

Your wife will reach that point, in her own way, on her own timeframe. When she does get to the anger stage...let her be angry. Don't try to tell her (even inadvertently) to get over it or try to hurry her through it or encourage her to submerge it...otherwise it will turn into a deep bitterness or resentment for her that will seriously undermine any hope for a happy marriage in the future. So please, when she reaches her angry stage, let her work through it in her own way, for as long as it takes. It will be much better for her, for you, even for your kids if she can do this in her own way and let her anger run its course.

 

But, your wife will work through her anger, I promise. I worked through my own intense anger, and yes, it was intense in the beginning and my husband "took it." It was probably one of the best things he could have done for me, for us, as we worked through this. And it wasn't like I was angry all the time, but the first couple of months it would seem to flare up out of nowhere. I would cry, scream, yell, but each time I would let it all out and eventually my anger ran its course. I think it (anger) is one of the biggest healing processes that a BS has to go through in order to come out of this ordeal as a healthy, loving individual.

 

Best of luck, NS7, as you navigate your way through this. I think you're strong enough for you and your wife as you guys work through this.

 

thanks for sharing, i have to be strong and i know that, i have to not fight back and let her get angry,she has gotten angry but right now even when she cries or gets mad she always seems so concerned with me and afraid that i am upset or mad, i guess thats part of the fear stage.

[Owl]

i understand..i guess i had some hope that we could get through this easier, i know thats unrealistic but i was hoping.

 

can i ask, when does the fear really subside, i assume when you say fear you mean right now she is reacting because she dosent want to lose me and is scared, so why does that stage eventually end?, what happens inside to make it end?, wont she always in her mind worry about that possibility no matter what i say

 

YES SHE WILL.

 

That's why you've got to match your ACTIONS with your WORDS.

 

What can help her rebuild her trust in you is for you to actually become trustworthy.

 

You haven't been for years...if not decades.

 

That has to change. And you have to let her SEE that change in you.

 

You have to stop doing what you did, and you have to search for ways to demonstrate that change to her.

 

That's where the "open book" policy comes in. Give her access to all those things you kept hidden before. Show her how you deceived her before, let her learn your "tricks" for doing so...so that now you can't get away with it. Show her how she COULD have busted you before...and encourage her to "check up on you" going forward.

 

Eventually, seeing that 'new' behavior demonstrated over and over will lessen her distrust of you.

 

As a BS in a recovered marriage, I'll warn you of this...her shattered trust may never be rebuilt to what it was before. We've talked about this on other threads...once the "blind trust" is destroyed, it rarely comes back totally. It wouldn't matter if your wife was with you or someone else...she now REALIZES that anyone can cheat on her...anyone can betray her, just like you did.

 

Don't expect her to resume that complete blind faith from before...but accept that as a change in your relationship for the better. Now, YOU have to prove it...and that's a good thing.

[PhoenixRise]

i can think of many reasons she will get angry, i was more saying that she seems to already be getting angry at times and sad and a whole range of emotions. so i was surprised that that will all change to just anger..so basically all these nice moments and conversations we are having do not mean anything really because right now she is just talking out of fear?

but i guess i can see that when she is no longer afraid she will get really angry.

 

 

No one is saying that these nice moments that you are having are meaningless. I think you are laying a nice foundation on which to build a new marriage with your wife.

 

But many of the things you are posting about her actions do seem to stem from her fear of losing you and the life you guys have built together. THIS IS NORMAL behavior from a betrayed spouse.

[PhoenixRise]

i understand..i guess i had some hope that we could get through this easier, i know thats unrealistic but i was hoping.

 

can i ask, when does the fear really subside, i assume when you say fear you mean right now she is reacting because she dosent want to lose me and is scared, so why does that stage eventually end?, what happens inside to make it end?, wont she always in her mind worry about that possibility no matter what i say

 

 

It may take a while for the fear to go away. For me, I understood pretty early on that my husband was not going anywhere voluntarily. He had no intention of leaving. I got that. My fear stemmed from the notion that he would stay and still betray me again or that he was staying for our child only. The passage of time and H constantly reassuring me helped a lot. Doing the work in IC and MC helped tremendously.

 

Your wife will never have blind trust for you again. She will always know that cheating is something you are capable of.

 

But, eventually she WILL start to trust your commitment to her and to your family.

 

You got off to a great start with rebuilding trust when you told her the truth. You will get through this.

 

Continue to do what you are doing. Let your wife know you love her and give her reassurance that you are exactly where you want to be.

[NOTSURE7]

YES SHE WILL.

 

That's why you've got to match your ACTIONS with your WORDS.

 

What can help her rebuild her trust in you is for you to actually become trustworthy.

 

You haven't been for years...if not decades.

 

That has to change. And you have to let her SEE that change in you.

 

You have to stop doing what you did, and you have to search for ways to demonstrate that change to her.

 

That's where the "open book" policy comes in. Give her access to all those things you kept hidden before. Show her how you deceived her before, let her learn your "tricks" for doing so...so that now you can't get away with it. Show her how she COULD have busted you before...and encourage her to "check up on you" going forward.

 

Eventually, seeing that 'new' behavior demonstrated over and over will lessen her distrust of you.

 

As a BS in a recovered marriage, I'll warn you of this...her shattered trust may never be rebuilt to what it was before. We've talked about this on other threads...once the "blind trust" is destroyed, it rarely comes back totally. It wouldn't matter if your wife was with you or someone else...she now REALIZES that anyone can cheat on her...anyone can betray her, just like you did.

 

Don't expect her to resume that complete blind faith from before...but accept that as a change in your relationship for the better. Now, YOU have to prove it...and that's a good thing.

 

i know that trust will never return, i think she is capable of getting close but i know i have woken her up and betrayed her immense trust she put in me and that will never return in full.

[Athena]

 

ok so whats with the sex? lol, she is ready to go everyday, i actually had to tell her i was tired and needed a break. is this just a stage?

 

It's Bonding...

 

Yes, I think you could call it a 'stage' but from here on out, I guess you can expect a Whole lot more sex than before!

[Athena]

does everything sound normal so far? although everyone is different, any ideas on what i should be expecting next?, i like to try to get an idea ahead of time so i can understand it and help the proccess..

Sounds absolutely normal!

I think what comes next is when the subject has been discussed to death, and you move on somewhat -- to enjoying life in the moment. Wifey may still get anxious/angry from time to time when Triggers bring up the Affairs, and even sometimes, I guess when she is having a good time, she may forceably remind herself, so as not to feel like she will Ever Be Caught Unawares again...

In times like that, you will need to acknowledge the pain, apologize, and hug her and state how much you love her! Those will be brief and far-between.

[Athena]

It's called "hysterical bonding". She's re-establishing (to herself mostly) that you're still hers.

 

Very, very common reaction in BS's and WS's sometimes.

 

What's next is likely a few more weeks of the same. One moment, great. Next moment, major setbacks.

 

After that...expect the anger to REALLY set in.

 

Remember...this is a marathon. It's going to take MONTHS to feel like you're making headway...years to really recover. Don't expect this to be over by the end of next week.

 

I agree with the Timeline... it's gonna take months and months... and the Anger WILL kick in!

Steel yourself for that.

[Athena]

is the anger stage a definite stage or do you think it can be different depending on the couple?

 

I think once she has ascertained that you are not leaving... she will free herself to express her true rage... at the betrayal itself, at the cover-up, at the Unfairness of it all!

In my opinion, the way to get thru this 'unpleasant' stage faster, is to at first simply listen to her express herself, THEN repeat it to understand it (and she hears that you 'got it') THEN to apologize for it, THEN vow to never repeat it, then to move on... perhaps state how you wish the M to be better for Both of you... what YOU want...

[NOTSURE7]

Sounds absolutely normal!

I think what comes next is when the subject has been discussed to death, and you move on somewhat -- to enjoying life in the moment. Wifey may still get anxious/angry from time to time when Triggers bring up the Affairs, and even sometimes, I guess when she is having a good time, she may forceably remind herself, so as not to feel like she will Ever Be Caught Unawares again...

In times like that, you will need to acknowledge the pain, apologize, and hug her and state how much you love her! Those will be brief and far-between.

 

we seem to be in this stage a bit now, it gets interrupted by brief crying attacks but she seems to be doing ok, i guess thats were the false hope sets in.

[taylor]

i understand..i guess i had some hope that we could get through this easier, i know thats unrealistic but i was hoping.

 

can i ask, when does the fear really subside, i assume when you say fear you mean right now she is reacting because she dosent want to lose me and is scared, so why does that stage eventually end?, what happens inside to make it end?, wont she always in her mind worry about that possibility no matter what i say

 

She is afraid of losing you. She is afraid of being alone...lonely.She is afraid of being unloved.

 

She is afraid of her life changing from what she has always known to something she knows nothing of...an unknown future.

 

This fear will make her cling to you (hysterical sex).

 

She may work hard to convince herself that all is well...all is normal...that all will go back to the way it was. She wants to believe that nothing has changed. But it has.

 

She is dealing with overwhelming sadness/grief at the devastating losses in her life - the biggest ones being loss of faith in you and in the marriage.

 

As she regains emotional strength, rebuilds her self-esteem, and can start to look at the affairs with greater clarity and objectivity, she will start to see things differently. Emotional overload is making it hard for her to do this right now. But these sad and fearful emotions WILL subside and the time will come when she will start analyzing you and the affairs with her head, instead of her heart. The time will come when raw emotions won't cloud reality.

 

THAT is when she will take a step back and realize that her life has changed forever, her marriage has changed forever, and it will NEVER be the same again. She will realize all is lost because of YOU and YOUR CHOICES, not because of something she did or didn't do. She will stop blaming herself for your affair and she will hit you full force with the wrath of a person who has been betrayed/destroyed by a person she believed in and trusted.

 

She will take a step back and take a good look at you. She will see you with different eyes. She won't "see" the loving, faithful husband she always thought you were. Instead, she will see a stranger...a cheater..someone who lacks character..integrity...someone capable of ripping her heart to shred for no reason at all. She will start to question her "choice" of partner. She will start to wonder whether she deserves "better." She will wonder if she will ever be able to trust you again. She will wonder if you are capable of being faithful. She will wonder if you are worth her time and effort. She will wonder if you are "worth" it.

 

And as she begins to think this way, you will see your wife change before your very eyes...not so sad, not so grieving, not so clingy...but one who is very, very ANGRY.

 

If, after the anger stage, she still sees value in you and your marriage, she will work to save the marriage.

 

But if she convinces herself during this time that you aren't worth it and the marriage has lost all it's value and meaning, she won't care whether she loses you or not. She will convince herself that you aren't worth it, she can do better, and she will move on.

 

If you truly love your wife, maybe you should be the one afraid of losing her after what you have done...not the other way around.

[Athena]

can i ask, did you have an anger stage that set in weeks or months past dday?

 

In my M, we've had, I think about four D-days... the first D-day, there was NO anger from me... because even when I felt it several weeks later, I didn't lash him with it -- he had seemed remorseful and I didn't want to punish him...

 

The second D-day I cannot even remember an Angry stage from me -- hmm -- weird! Oh, ok... the anger turned 'inwards' and I got depressed...

I 'dared' not take it out on him...?? Who the heck knows... yes, we had hours and hours of talks... but since H was sneaky enough to ONLY admit his A's to me after I found him out, when he was overseas, these talks would mainly be via phonecalls -- I clearly remember one certain Seven Hour Phonecall! Draining...

 

Jeez... now that I think back on it, the only real Anger I showed was from about the third D-day... when I had had enough... and no more feeling sorry for his claiming weakness of character...

 

I have been mostly angry with him for well over a year now... not all the time, but whenever I catch a glimpse of his self-entitlement attitude... grr

[Athena]

when does the fear really subside, i assume when you say fear you mean right now she is reacting because she dosent want to lose me and is scared, so why does that stage eventually end?, what happens inside to make it end?, wont she always in her mind worry about that possibility no matter what i say

 

Her fear will subside once she sees she is 'allowed' to express her anger and outrage at your unfair behavior, and you 'accept' her expressions.

 

Once she sees you are Still Together.

 

Once she feels safe that she can be truly herself without fear of that having not been enough to keep you true to her... I guess that's where the IC and the MC will help... when she sees that it's not all about her not being enough for you... that's when the fear will go away...