gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I am maintaining NC, hasn't been too hard, the only issue being that I am not sure that it is the right strategy since the reason that she left me for someone else was because I never fully committed. I just talked to a friend of mine (girl) who was in a similar situation and decided to go back to her ex since he kept some sort of LC going and followed up with her. She said that he 'fought' for her and it worked. Should I keep LC going too even though she is with someone else? Should I wait teal I heal before going LC? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 she left me for someone else Please listen to me. You must avoid her like the plague. Everyone tells you stories about how someone ends up getting back together, and all that other stuff, but it almost never works out that way. She left you for someone else. NC from here on out, or youll wish you had, believe me. Been there, done that. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 BCCA is spot on! And since "you never fully commit" here's your chance to show her you're fully commited to NC Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks guys for putting me back in line :-) This thing is like a drug and NC is the antidote; the longer I am in NC the more the picture becomes clearer, but sometimes the drug comes back and knocks me off my feet. NC it is! Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks guys for putting me back in line :-) This thing is like a drug and NC is the antidote; the longer I am in NC the more the picture becomes clearer, but sometimes the drug comes back and knocks me off my feet. NC it is!ohh..trust me! I know how the "drug" withdrawl is! haha.. Gets really hard when you've had a few to many and they won't stop calling/texting..but, know that NC is the only way to heal yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 The only thing that makes this breakup harder than others is that we were never really committed, we were just fwb's, and when she wanted to commit I bailed. It's just hard getting rid of the blame. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 similar to me.. We were together for 5'ish years living together for 3. Towards the end she started showing some very bad habbits and I wanted out and left. We satayed in contact/back "to dating" for the next 6 months or so..and things were begining to look better. I was thinking about starting over with her and "her me"... Then BAM!! There's a new guy I find out about and imediatly confront her and here I set..Talking to you about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 similar to me.. We were together for 5'ish years living together for 3. Towards the end she started showing some very bad habbits and I wanted out and left. We satayed in contact/back "to dating" for the next 6 months or so..and things were begining to look better. I was thinking about starting over with her and "her me"... Then BAM!! There's a new guy I find out about and imediatly confront her and here I set..Talking to you about it Sounds like my story, just in my case when she left I showed her the door and thought I didn't care. I cracked a month later and tried to get her back. But I wasn't there for her so it makes sense. I just think that the way she did it wasn't right, but who am I to judge her when I was not 100% honest with her either? That's why I keep thinking that down the road LC would be a good thing. Just an email every 3 weeks or so. That way we are in the back of their minds but we are not there to be friends. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Please listen to me. You must avoid her like the plague. gorgio, please listen to BCCA Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I KNOW I'd stay NC. If you send e-mails/text you're back to square one. You will be spending your days checking your phone/e-mail for replies. Replies that may never come. This will drive you insane. Thats the point of NC is to heal and ALSO get back the most important person in your life....YOURSELF! If she wants to be with you she will do whatever it takes to make sure you know. Even if she contacts you in the next days,weeks,ect..stay NC! She knows where you live and actions speak far louder than words! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks again everybody, I think I am going mad. The crazy fact is that I have so much to offer as a person, that's why I usually have a lot of options when it comes to dating, and that's why I didn't commit. I need to focus on myself now, do what I love doing and move on. This has been affecting my moods for too long. I need to find someone who will love me and finally change the way I am and love them back. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Anytime you think you are about to contact her or she attempts to contact you. Before you do anything.. Come here and post or read some of the horror stories about broken NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Anytime you think you are about to contact her or she attempts to contact you. Before you do anything.. Come here and post or read some of the horror stories about broken NC. Thanks again, you are 100% right. This thing is affecting my entire life; work, hobbies, friends. I need to snap out of it!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Ronni: you brought something up in a previous thread that was spot on. There are various underlying issues that are making this breakup so tough and they have nothing to do with her. I think that I have figured most of them out: 1. My life is out of balance; too much work no time for what I love 2. I never gave this relationship a chance and was fooling around for the past couple of years. I want a healthy relationship and next time I will either commit to the girl or break it off after a few weeks. I was dating multiple girls cause I was scared to commit. The thought crossed my mind every now and then (with this girl) but I always found a reason why not to commit to her. 3. I think that #2 stems from an intense relationship that hurt me badly that happened right before this one. This one might have been some sort of long rebound. In the previous relationship I did commit but to the wrong girl, and therefore we were on a roller coaster the entire time until I ended it. So I know I can commit if I want to. My final question to you guys - how do I kill the hope? I can't stop reading posts about second chances and rebounds and trying to convince myself that there might be a chance. It's as if my brain has made the decision that this is the girl I should have married and it's not letting go. Rationally I know that the chances are slim since the guy she is with now is the total opposite of me and is giving her everything that I never gave her because of my lack of commitment. This is all very irrational, is there a way to change my thoughts about this? I feel that I am wasting valuable energy and time. Thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
screwedup®retful Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Please listen to me. You must avoid her like the plague. Everyone tells you stories about how someone ends up getting back together, and all that other stuff, but it almost never works out that way. She left you for someone else. NC from here on out, or youll wish you had, believe me. Been there, done that. --Do what's in your heart! The reason people say love stories only happen in movies is because people get so down and give up on trying to make things come true. If you love this person, don't give up and go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
drummerprince81 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 But how do you fight? I mean, do you just literally show up on their door and work it slow? And when should you give up fighting? And how can you fight for the love that once was, if there is no fight (at present) coming from the other side? Don't you need signs??? Thats why it is hard knowing whether to follow your heart or your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 But how do you fight? I mean, do you just literally show up on their door and work it slow? And when should you give up fighting? And how can you fight for the love that once was, if there is no fight (at present) coming from the other side? Don't you need signs??? Thats why it is hard knowing whether to follow your heart or your head. The friend I mentioned had the guy just stay in LC and kind of chase her around. There are similarities with my story, but they didn't really go full NC. The choice is to disrupt the healing process and give it another shot, or heal and move forward never knowing if you should have tried. Also when you go LC you never know what would have happened if you stuck to NC. In my case I am pretty sure that she won't return if I stick to NC 100% since I hurt her too in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
drummerprince81 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 OK - but how should one approach LC? The last 2 messages I sent my ex were just friendly. Nothing romantic. I want to tell her how much I love her (I told her enough when we were together) and I know she is the one for me but I don't know how to approach her coz she hasn't really give me any signs and I just know that if I 'dive in' I'll ruin it. But this is how I feel. Being friendly/friends is not what I want. I'm getting nothing back from her really in terms of 'come and get me' and anyway, she finished with me. I didn't hurt anybody. I was the one who had my heart ripped out. What do you intend to do Gorgio? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 This is the plan for now. 1. I need to heal. I am taking a 2 week vacation and getting out of here to be with my friends. During this time i will stay in NC. 2. When I get back I am planning to make many changes in my life (have already started some of these changes) and invest in myself, start dating again. 3. When I am ready will LC her - just a message every few weeks without requiring an answer or giving out too much information. I guess I need to heal first Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I am maintaining NC, hasn't been too hard, the only issue being that I am not sure that it is the right strategy since the reason that she left me for someone else was because I never fully committed. I just talked to a friend of mine (girl) who was in a similar situation and decided to go back to her ex since he kept some sort of LC going and followed up with her. She said that he 'fought' for her and it worked. Should I keep LC going too even though she is with someone else? Should I wait teal I heal before going LC? Fighting for them back?! Why would you want to make someone a priority who only sees you as an option? If they really wanted to be with you, they wouldn't have dumped you in the first place (and given up so easy). It's not YOU who should be fighting for them back. It's them that should be fighting for you. If it's anything but that, it's doomed for failure -- again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Fighting for them back?! Why would you want to make someone a priority who only sees you as an option? If they really wanted to be with you, they wouldn't have dumped you in the first place (and given up so easy). It's not YOU who should be fighting for them back. It's them that should be fighting for you. If it's anything but that, it's doomed for failure -- again. I agree, but there was a reason they moved on and it was since I failed to commit. This whole thing is very strange for me since I rationally know that the reasons for my deep depression are beyond that girl. I sometimes feel that my minds is just playing a trick on me as Ronni pointed out. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Think about this, you broke up with her, now you cahnged your mind, so you are willing to do anything to get back with her right? So if you stay NC IF she changes her mind she will do what you are doing? However from what you have put about your commitment issues, I think perhaps you should do some reading about commitment phobia, you may find it relevant to yourself, not sure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gorgio Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Think about this, you broke up with her, now you cahnged your mind, so you are willing to do anything to get back with her right? So if you stay NC IF she changes her mind she will do what you are doing? However from what you have put about your commitment issues, I think perhaps you should do some reading about commitment phobia, you may find it relevant to yourself, not sure? I don't think I have commitment issues, I think I didn't commit since when I met her I just got out of a relationship where I was fully committed. I ended the previous relationship but it hurt bad for months since I still loved her. We just didn't get along. I believe this one started as some sort of rebound and became serious but I was afraid to have my heart broken again. And guess what? It backfired ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
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