Am I an ABUSER! (long)

[Taramere]

Oh you know what, thank you so, so much. I'm really grateful for your help, I can't tell you how much. I'm also feeling real admiration for you and your brother and your management of what is such a needlessly hurtful situation.

 

Thanks. I think it's probably fair to say that my father would have done a lot better with children of a different personality type, and I would have done better with the kind of parent who could accept my personality type rather than only seeing the negatives in it.

 

I would say that my dad has many positive things about his personality too. He's very much a "doer" and a guardian type personality. When he's not blowing his top he is a kind and generous person, and he will listen once he's calmed down. But by God, the drama you have to go through to get to that point....

 

So much of what you say is ringing huge bells with me, the need to unbalance is very relevant. Phew!

 

It's understandable. Change is so hard to effect in ourselves, that I think we focus on trying to change other people instead.

 

Since starting to post and read this board with your's and other's very wise and beautifully articulated advise, I'm feeling more and more hopeful. Thank you so much. The book is ordered and I'm researching the Alexander technique.

 

Brilliant! I used snippets of it with regard to public speaking (I had a phobia). Feeling more in control of your physical sensations probably does a lot to reduce the sense of powerlessness that underlies strong emotional responses like fear and anger. When you think of the dynamic between an abuser and a victim, both of them are trying to achieve some sense of power in their own way - but in a very unhealthy way that doesn't promote happiness and high self esteem. Mainly because both are so often in a quest to gain control over others (abuser by instilling fear, victim by instilling guilt) rather than over themselves and their own actions.

[jasminetea]

It's understandable. Change is so hard to effect in ourselves, that I think we focus on trying to change other people instead.

That's very, very true. I guess I've learnt from this site, if nothing else, that hard though it may be its not impossible to change oneself.

 

Brilliant! I used snippets of it with regard to public speaking (I had a phobia). Feeling more in control of your physical sensations probably does a lot to reduce the sense of powerlessness that underlies strong emotional responses like fear and anger. When you think of the dynamic between an abuser and a victim, both of them are trying to achieve some sense of power in their own way - but in a very unhealthy way that doesn't promote happiness and high self esteem. Mainly because both are so often in a quest to gain control over others (abuser by instilling fear, victim by instilling guilt) rather than over themselves and their own actions.

That's a great way to illustrate the scenario.

[Hkizzle]

Well I commend you on coming out and asking everyone about a topic that's so personl.

 

Very few people are willing to confront and admit to things that are bad about themselves, that's why so many people have bad habits and behaviors in the first place.

 

I would say from your description of events that yes you are abusive. A lot of guys are abusive, it's only when I talked to female friends and looked at research that I realized that probably 10% of guys are abusive.

 

Abusive guys tend to be insecure about that their partners do, especially with members of the opposite sex.

 

They get physical which you admitted.

 

They can make comments which to them is just a joke but hurtful to the other person, and often controlling without realizing it.

 

Have you witnessed abuse in your family as a child. That often causes absuive behavior later on in life.

 

If she really wants a divorce there's not much you can do to stop her other than to tell her you will get therapy and change for good. But then you have to actually change........

[Gordon's Right]

From your OP, you sound like you are very considerate and thoughtful of your partner, and that you made a lot of changes for the better because of your love for her. You sound honest and mature.

 

I feel like this relationship was good for you because it caused such prolific changes. And that was the "reason" for this relationship.

 

I do not know if I consider her a good match for you. Some of the stuff that she did sounds extremely inconsiderate, unthoughtful... and has she changed for the better, or the worse, for you?

[ajj]

Abuse is in they eye of the beholder? I had to read that a few times to make sure I read it correctly. With that logic affairs are in the eye of the beholder, too.

 

Either you shoved someone or you didn't. Either you threw things or you didn't.

 

Abusers rarely if ever admit the full extent of their abusive behavior. Ike Turner only slapped Tina a little bit when she didn't smile enough. You feel ashamed of your behavior? I wonder how your wife feels about living with it for so long. Not once did you mention how your wife felt. It's all about you, how you're feeling being told you're emotionally abusive.

 

I'm saddened to see this forum used to manipulate well-intentioned people into playing into this. Abusers are typically master manipulators. Why would an abusive person admit the full extent of their behavior. What's the gain for them? There's gain to get admit one or two behaviors "but I'm ashamed!" and get people to tell you that what your wife is doing is wrong and make sure you get the house and they feel your pain.

 

"Yeah, I did these things but I'm ashamed of them!" I don't think the full story is being told here.

[Meaplus3]

First of all Tojaz, I really commend you for admitting to your abusive side.. that takes a ton of courage and is a major benefit when it come to you seeking help. You have taken the very first step here. There are plenty of programs available for those who have issues with emotional abuse. It sounds to me like you are looking to make a change. So, you can always start by searching your community for guidance. I wish you the best of luck. And keep your chin up. YOU can make the change is YOU want to.

 

Mea:)

[torranceshipman]

Just from my own personal point of view...you'd have scared me when you got mad and threw stuff (etc), and I'd have felt intimidated by you, and the personal negative comments would have bought down my self esteem and made me very miserable...I think that the office analogy was a very good one, as really, the focus of someone throwing stuff and smashing stuff and shouting is to make the partner feel intimidated, scared, and fearful - the partner doesn't need to be physically hit to be scared in this type of situation. That's a control issue where the abuser is trying to exert control and power over their partner by being violent, etc. So yes, personally, I would view your behavior as abusive, because I know how scared and unhappy I'd be by those types of actions (I actually dated someone like this once, a long time ago, and still remember the feelings, and they're not nice)...

[The Collector]

She wanted an exit out .

 

She found it.

 

She is involved with this ex boyfriend . She is leaving you for him.

 

Not trying to say the above to hurt you. But if she intends to keep you in the dark and play stupid about the other guy , she is wrong.

 

I realize you were a former abuser. You have stated that you have made leaps and bounds for better treatment and behavior. I will give you that.

 

I don't think ANY of this is to do with abuse.

 

 

Agreed. She either has another guy or wants to play around with a few for a bit.

 

Were all her previous partners jerks or abusers 'too'?

[tojaz]

Wow, Haven't checked on this thread for quite awhile. Thanks everyone for all the insightful input from both sides of the fence. Quick update, I am divorced now and have made a home for myself on the seperation and divorce board and have learned a lot and am trying hard to pass it along to others.

 

I wood like to address some of the angrier responses that basicly infer that i am some sort of closet wife beater looking for justification, i assure you that my OP was very honest in all that I said. While I have come to realize that those actions where most definitely abusive and wrong, I have also been able to isolate what had spurred them on in each occurance. Happily, those posts were few and the rest have been very helpful to me.

 

Another very useful thread for me to read with some great advice.

 

OP, please do tell us how you managed to do it, I'm sure there's lots that would benefit, I certainly would!

 

Well, I must admit that i am still verymuch a work in progress, but the greatest lessons came from coping with all the other emotions of divorce. The grief and depression are horrible, as is the anger. The decision i made for myself was to look at what my actions would do in relation to that emotion and if those actions were directed in the right place. As it relates to anger, it came down to if what i was going to act upon was the actual source for my anger or the last straw so to speak. Stresses of life have a tendency to build if not released healthily, and the unlucky target is usually the last one to add to the pile. In my marriage for example, there were stresses from work, family, friends, my self imposed stress, etc. and then my wifes contribution. In my way of looking at things now, i give each it's due and then move on. I process my work life before entering into my home life, friend life, family life etc, so none of those stresses are unfairly placed on someone or something undeserving. Find peace with one before moving on to the other. Not sure if that makes sense but it works for me.

TOJAZ