Wondering if I need marriage counceling? Sex addiction issues

[aerodynamic]

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years, and have a wonderfully loving relationship. I could go on and on about all the things I love about her, but suffice to say, I feel like I am extremely lucky finding a woman like her. And there is no question that she feels the same way about me.

 

We have a huge difference in sex drive (mine much higher than hers), and we've known this since the beginning. We've talked about it. Her attitude towards it is nothing i can really complain. It's similar to my attitude towards going shopping with her: she loves when I go shopping with her so she can get real-time opinions from me on the clothes she's considering. I can't stand shopping, but I think it's cute that she likes me being there, and so I never refuse and approach it with amusement and mild enjoyment, despite looking really forward to it being over. That's probably surprisingly similar to how she feels about sex. There's enough love and understanding about the issue, that I don't feel resentment or rejection. And as a result, we still have sex once or twice a week, which is ok with me.

 

But whereas our emotional connection and quantity of sex is ok, the problem is that there is so little that she enjoys about sex, that there is very little I can do to please her. She doesn't like fingering and doesn't like oral (which to me, is new to me, as every other woman I've known loves that stuff more than the sex itself). I've always told her that she must enjoy it if I was doing it right, but she's convinced that she just feels uncomfortable with it. And due to the lack of feedback (her not able to tell me or show me what she likes), there's not much I can do about it anymore. And there's nothing she's unwilling to do for me, but I don't like asking, and so usually just get it over with pretty quickly. If I last too long, I start to get worried that she's uncomfortable. So whereas we have sex, we don't exactly go to town on each other the way I feel it should be.

 

So at this point, I'm finding myself more and more hooked on pornography and masturbating. I actually enjoy it more. My wife has specifically told me that she doesn't mind that I do that, and that she doesn't even mind me doing it right in front of her. But I end up just doing it secretly out of habit.

 

And so on a regular basis, my issue is simple: i tend to need to find time to myself, which means often getting up in the middle of the night. This impacts my sleep, of course, but I can deal with that.

 

But on a longterm basis, every few months, i go through this cycle where I am extremely frustrated and have horrible insomnia, and become completely obsessed with sex and porn. And having more sex with my wife doesn't help, because I get bogged down by the issues I described a few paragraphs up. During these cycles, my drive is so strong that right after sex, I wait for her to go to sleep so I can get up and getting a second session going by myself. And then I'll even wake up in the middle of the night and have to get up. The result is that every few months, I have periods of very bad insomnia that affects my work and relationship with my wife.

 

My relationship with my wife suffers a bit during these periods, because I'm so tired and distracted. I also, unfortunately, lie to her. I tell her that occasionally I stress out about financial issues or work issues. But that is not true at all. We've talked about the sex issue before and I sort of resolved (for better or for worse) not to talk about it anymore because the situation is unlikely to change, and so I resort to lying about why I get up in the middle of the night, why I can't sleep, and why i'm so distracted.

 

Another problem is we don't have kids yet, but I can only imagine it will get worse when that happens. I'm afraid this is affecting me in a way that these cycles of frustration will impact my ability to be the husband or father I want to be.

 

I look at the situation and feel like it is hopeless. The hopelessness resides in the fact that I don't see a tangible problem. I don't know that either of us are doing anything wrong. I don't feel rejected. I don't resent her. And she doesn't resent me for looking at porn. We've also communicated the issue before and feel that it is as resolved as can be. But the fact that it still affects me so much is big problem.

 

Additionally, whereas I cannot imagine divorce, and can't spend a day away from her without missing her terribly, and feel I'm so lucky to have found her, I often find myself regretting that I got married. And I hate that I have that feeling.

 

I'm wondering if marriage counceling would be a good idea? I don't even really want to do it together with her. I feel like this is my problem at this point. I really think she's doing enough on her part of situation. Thanks for reading.

[TaraMaiden]

Whatever you do, don't even think about children....

 

I see two issues here:

One: Your 'porn addiction' (for want of a better term) is becoming significantly prominent in your relationship which renders it more important to you than sex with her. Which is what's worrying you and making you feel guilty.

TWO:

You have completely incompatible sex drives and tastes - but she's so laid-back about it, it's hard to be emotionally angry and frustrated with her... she just doesn't figure it as significant - hence the 'shopping' analogy, which, whilst accurate, is simply not the same on an emotive intimate level at all.

 

You need counselling, because an incompatibility like this will not get better, it will get worse.

It may even lead you to have an affair, which I'm sure as things stand, you don't want - and probably horrifies you... But I bet you wouldn't have seen this current issue as being possible three years ago, would you?

 

Please be advised: Counselling is not a way of finding a 'cure' for this. It means either finding a compromise - or finding a way to end it.

I'm sure you'd prefer the former, but obviously you have to be of one mind about this.

And it's not going to be easy getting her to meet you half way, given her already stated reluctance to indulge in some intimate aspects of your relationship.

 

Good luck.

[aerodynamic]

TaraMaiden,

Thanks for your response. I feel like ending the marriage is not a possibility. But you are right that 3 years ago, I never thought I would even go as far as regretting marriage, which I often feel now.

 

Do you have any tips on finding a good counselor? Also, I have a very very hard time telling my wife I want to go to counseling. I just don't know how to tell her without her feeling like I have doubts about our marriage (though I suppose that would be the truth).

[mark982]

your wife told you that she don't mind you masturbating in front of her.maybe that's what turns her on,why not give it a try and see what happens?

[carhill]

How is the non-sexual physical intimacy? Frequent and satisfying to both of you?

[aerodynamic]

mark982, we've tried a lot over the years, including what you mentioned.

 

carhill, the non-sexual physical intimacy is very frequent and very satisfying to both of us.

[redtail]

"Sex is only 5% of a relationship, but if that 5% isn't there, the other 95 doesn't matter" Woody Allen

 

First off, consider TaraMaiden's advise, she's very good. For me, the most I can do is commiserate. Because when I read your post, it was like you and I were on a parallel universe.

 

My first suggestion is to think about slowing down on the porn. For me at least, it only causes me to focus on what I'm not getting. And the main ingredient of making love with my wife is, the passion, intimacy and contact, jerking off will never give me that. So it just increases my awareness of what I don't have rather than let me focus on what I do have, a loving, caring woman to share my life with.

 

Second, never assume what the outcome of a conversation is going to be, and therefor don't have one. Always, always, always talk. Give each other the ability to change your minds, let new information come out that you or your wife may not have considered. Be open, don't have a predetermined agenda, just let the conversations continue. Communication is key.

 

And on the note of what to talk about, look at new things. Maybe one day while going shopping with your wife, stop by an "adult toy" store and you and your wife peruse the merchandise. It may start a conversation in a totally new direction. She said she doesn't mind you masturbating in front of her, maybe this is a clue to an area you've not explored.

 

Best of luck to both of you!

[carhill]

Since you seem to communicate well, ask her how she feels about you when you engage is such intimacy. Ask her to compare it to how she feels with another man, say her father or brother or a close male friend. IME, these distinctions are very important.

 

How many sexual partners did she have before meeting you? Any abuse or psych issues in her background?

 

Ask her for her opinion on your emotional intimacy. Listen.

 

Gather up all this stuff and sit in front of a MC for a few sessions and see if anything comes to light.

[aerodynamic]

redtail,

thanks for the suggestions. Slowing down on the porn is a must at this point. I guess I'm taking a step in the right direction since I came straight to this website during last night's bout with insomnia instead of to porn.

 

you are so right, regarding communication. And whereas I am usually very good at communication, on this issue, I feel like I would be having the same conversation we've had a few times before. But you're right that it is better to keep talking about it rather than do what I'm doing, since who knows how much worse this can get. I will talk to her about it tonight after we get back from work.

 

We have tried the adult store, and a multitude of other things. Unfortunately, everytime I suggest things (like toys, for instance), she completely rejects the idea.

 

carhill,

My wife has had one sexual partner in the past, I've had three. No abuse/psych issues. She is actually really emotionally and psychologically healthy, imho.

 

I will take your advice. Looks like my wife and I have a lot to talk about. Thank you.

[carhill]

OK, then tell her you'd like to learn to better accept your differences in libido and end your usage of porn as a supplement. Tell her you'd like her to join you in MC to help you with that. See how it goes

[manugeorge]

A healthy marriage is not one without issues but one where even the most difficult of issues can be aired and solved in a constructive manner. The strength of your marriage is not measured by the fact that you have no problems, it is measured by how comfortable you feel bringing up problems to each other.

 

Please talk to her about this, before it festers and you reach the point of no return. Ask for her help and understanding so you can both figure out a way to resolve it. It is not just your problem, it is your marriage's problem and you are both in that marriage together so don't shut her out. She doesn't care about your porn usage now but don't turn her into the woman that will come crying on LS a few years from now that her husband is addicted to porn because this is how it starts.

[2sure]

I'm going to suggest something here that is probably going to offend you , so I want to preface it with my own experience. Also, I'd like to add that to me you sound great. But thats me...

 

For the longest time, YEARS, after I became sexually active I couldnt reach climax. I loved sex, enjoyed it, was basically satisfied but just couldnt get there. I am sexually adventurous, open minded, and confident. I could however, get there through masturbation - as most women can. I tried sex with other women, and had more sucess there, basically because of technique. But not a sure thing. Finally, through communication skills I was able to get my male partners to get me there. But even now, it takes a LONG time. And effort. And sometimes it still doesnt happen. Some days, I wake up knowing its a good time. Sometimes, right from the get go I know it isnt going to happen. On those days when my H initiates as time goes on - I feel sometimes less than enthused. I am more ready to put him off. But when I dont put him off, it doesnt take me long to be my enthusiastic self and I love it - whether I get off or not. BUT, if he were to want it say, a couple times a day ...I dont know. I dont think I could muster that up if it wasnt an "ON" day for me.

 

Either your wife has never had a real orgasm or she can only get there herself...thats why her lack of motivation. She may be looking for alone time too! For a lot of men and women who enjoy sex - if they are accustomed to getting themselves off, it becomes hard for someone else to do it.

[aerodynamic]

2sure,

no worries, regarding being offended. I actually had the same hunch, despite her claiming she has orgasms. I have no problems if I'm told I'm doing things wrong, as i have no problem putting in effort to correct it. One problem is I don't have many tools at my disposal, since she rejects toys, oral, and fingers. She really only claims to like penetration and enjoys the different positions, but after 15 minutes of it, she's pretty much had enough.

 

I tried really hard to convince her that she would enjoy oral if I did it right (and by right, I mean in a way that is unique to her preferences), and that both parties need to work together to make that happen. But she is just against it.

 

I also heavily encouraged her to start masturbating, and using toys to help, but she really hates that idea too. She claims to never have masturbated, and I believe her as I don't see any reason for her to be ashamed of it if she did.

[aerodynamic]

A healthy marriage is not one without issues but one where even the most difficult of issues can be aired and solved in a constructive manner. The strength of your marriage is not measured by the fact that you have no problems, it is measured by how comfortable you feel bringing up problems to each other.

 

Please talk to her about this, before it festers and you reach the point of no return. Ask for her help and understanding so you can both figure out a way to resolve it. It is not just your problem, it is your marriage's problem and you are both in that marriage together so don't shut her out. She doesn't care about your porn usage now but don't turn her into the woman that will come crying on LS a few years from now that her husband is addicted to porn because this is how it starts.

 

Yea, you make a good point. At one point, I was comfortable bringing this matter to her attention, but after a few years have gone by, I've resorted to "easier" ways to deal with it. But after a few years where it is affecting me negatively, I realize that I need to fix this.

[Jennifer26]

To me it sounds like there are two main things going on here.

 

The first is that it seems your wife is very self conscious. I say this because she sounds like me many years ago. I also told my husband (this was back when we were dating) that I did not enjoy receiving oral sex. I didn't really like giving it either because I was no good at it, and he couldn't climax. I also was pretty reserved, and pretty much just let him have at it and didn't try to get much pleasure for myself.

 

I was way too self conscious back then. I didn't feel comfortable expressing myself sexually, and I was always worried about things like what if I didn't taste good, or what if I didn't look good naked (so I would try to cover up or wear lingerie).

 

How did I get over it? Well, a decade of being with my spouse has helped. But mostly, it is because he always made me feel sexy and reassured me. If I would cover up, he would say "no, don't do that. I like to see you naked" or things like that. Eventually, hearing those things often enough I began to believe him and came out of my shell. Perhaps you can try this with your wife.

 

Secondly, I think the porn is a huge factor as to why your sex life with your wife is unfulfilling. When I use my vibrator too often (sorry if tmi) I find it really difficult to orgasm while having sex with my husband. If a man masturbates too often, he is going to find sex with his partner less exciting as well. I would really stop the porn atleast for a while, and see what happens. Although, if you find you cannot do this, especially since you admit there is addiciton you should really consider a sex addict group or atleast some reading material.

[aerodynamic]

To me it sounds like there are two main things going on here.

 

The first is that it seems your wife is very self conscious. I say this because she sounds like me many years ago. I also told my husband (this was back when we were dating) that I did not enjoy receiving oral sex. I didn't really like giving it either because I was no good at it, and he couldn't climax. I also was pretty reserved, and pretty much just let him have at it and didn't try to get much pleasure for myself.

 

I was way too self conscious back then. I didn't feel comfortable expressing myself sexually, and I was always worried about things like what if I didn't taste good, or what if I didn't look good naked (so I would try to cover up or wear lingerie).

 

How did I get over it? Well, a decade of being with my spouse has helped. But mostly, it is because he always made me feel sexy and reassured me. If I would cover up, he would say "no, don't do that. I like to see you naked" or things like that. Eventually, hearing those things often enough I began to believe him and came out of my shell. Perhaps you can try this with your wife.

 

Secondly, I think the porn is a huge factor as to why your sex life with your wife is unfulfilling. When I use my vibrator too often (sorry if tmi) I find it really difficult to orgasm while having sex with my husband. If a man masturbates too often, he is going to find sex with his partner less exciting as well. I would really stop the porn atleast for a while, and see what happens. Although, if you find you cannot do this, especially since you admit there is addiciton you should really consider a sex addict group or atleast some reading material.

 

Thanks for your response. I do compliment her everyday on how beautiful and sexy she is (and I mean it wholeheartedly). She likes it when I tease her and touch her and compliment her throughout the day. So I feel I am doing that part no problem. Unfortunately after a few years, I feel like the problem has not gotten any better.

 

I will stop the porn. And I have gone through long periods where I actively avoided it, successfully. But during those times, I just resort to finding some privacy and taking care of business without the porn.

[Jennifer26]

Have you tried discussing this with your wife?

 

It might be an uncomfortable topic, but I think it might be helpful if she knows what is going on and the impact it is having.

[aerodynamic]

Yea, we have discussed this several times in the past, quite thoroughly too. It's been awhile since our last conversation on this topic, because I felt that we both understood the situation, and that we'd have to live with this incompatibility. I feel like there is not much else we can do.

 

The difference now is that I've witnessed how this situation can just get worse for me, and that it is making me lose confidence in my ability to be the kind of husband and father I want to be, over the long term. So she understands the situation, but I think she is not up to date on the impact it is having.

[TaraMaiden]

You know, I'd just like to say at this point that I think your attitude towards your wife is marvellous.

You are obviously seeing this as a problem you both have, but one in which you are still putting her first...

I find that admirable and commendable, and it's both refreshing and encouraging to see you taking so much into consideration from so many strangers, and enabling yourself to deal with this as constructively as you can.

She sounds lovely.

And she's lucky to have you.

 

i just wanted you to know I think that.

 

 

_/l\_

 

*hands-palm-to-palm*

[czombie]

Don't take this wrong....but is she happy with her body...? Is she happy with yours...? Do you compliment her body...? Does she compliment yours...?

 

Man I would think that after 4 years she would have opened up to you more by now, unless there is some sort of underlying issue..

[czombie]

and by the way...it doesn't neccessarily sound like to me that u have a sex addiction problem...It just sounds like your sexually frustrated with you wife and I don't think yur the one who needs counseling...sounds like yur wife possibly does....

[aerodynamic]

TaraMaiden,

Thanks for those words. That is encouraging.

 

czombie,

There are things she wishes she could change about her body, but overall, she is reasonably satisfied with it, I think. I don't know if she is very happy with mine, but there is nothing to complain about as I'm healthy and in shape. I compliment her on her body way more than she compliments mine, but I never was bothered by that.

 

To be honest, I don't know what constitutes needing counseling so I can't agree or disagree on whether she needs it. But I do feel like I do, because I feel I need a professional to help me come to terms with my marriage and what my choices are.

[giotto]

she knows about your porn thing, so just tell her that you need to see a counsellor because it's getting a bit out of hand... might be a bit awkward to confess this, but I'm sure she will understand... does she think you have any general issues at all and are quite happy with everything?

[aerodynamic]

she knows about your porn thing, so just tell her that you need to see a counsellor because it's getting a bit out of hand... might be a bit awkward to confess this, but I'm sure she will understand... does she think you have any general issues at all and are quite happy with everything?

 

yea I told her last night. she's not angry or disappointed, but got pretty depressed. Does anyone know the best way to find a good counselor?

[GorillaTheater]

yea I told her last night. she's not angry or disappointed, but got pretty depressed. Does anyone know the best way to find a good counselor?

 

When I needed one, I asked my family doc for a recommendation. Do you know anybody who has mentioned having been in counseling?