Wondering if I need marriage counceling? Sex addiction issues

[giotto]

yea I told her last night. she's not angry or disappointed, but got pretty depressed.

 

 

Probably because she thinks it's her fault... and I think she is partially responsible.

[TaraMaiden]

yea I told her last night. she's not angry or disappointed, but got pretty depressed. Does anyone know the best way to find a good counselor?

 

Not to probe, but why did she get depressed?

On her behalf, because she felt pressured, or on yours because she never realised how this has affected you?

Was she a little guilty, or completely focussed on herself, as if you were being unfair?

 

I'm not passing judgment or anything.

But the foundation for the 'pretty depressed' may be a clue as to which way this has to go.

And whether she wants to go there.

[aerodynamic]

When I needed one, I asked my family doc for a recommendation. Do you know anybody who has mentioned having been in counseling?

 

No, I don't know anyone offhand, but may have to ask around. We don't have a primary care physician at the moment, but perhaps can ask HR here at my company.

 

Not to probe, but why did she get depressed?

On her behalf, because she felt pressured, or on yours because she never realised how this has affected you?

Was she a little guilty, or completely focussed on herself, as if you were being unfair?

 

I'm not passing judgment or anything.

But the foundation for the 'pretty depressed' may be a clue as to which way this has to go.

And whether she wants to go there.

 

She felt depressed on my behalf. She didn't think I was being unfair. One thing to note, she has always had a problem with being very insensitive (as complained about by her family and friends). She doesn't take hints or notice subtle things very well, and I can attest that this is hard for me to get used to. I think she became depressed also because she feels that this insensitivity impacts her ability to be a good partner, friend, or mother. She's a really kind and generous person inside, but misses the intuitive capability of reading others. I've oftentimes had to remind her that so-and-so friend really wants to join her to do something, or so-and-so friend is upset about something.

 

She also became depressed because she is not very content with her job, and with living far away from her family. She says the only thing she is really happy about is her marriage. And the idea of having marital problems made her feel like everything is a failure.

[TaraMaiden]

It's great that you guys are talking about this....

 

So, what do you think might be next....?

 

I really do hope you can both work through this.....

[aerodynamic]

Thanks. I don't know what's next. We'll talk about it some more this weekend. But she did say she's willing to do counseling if that's what I want. I feel she's reluctant because she's skeptical it will help and money is kind of tight right now. But she also recognizes that it might be necessary. I think we both need a couple days to think about it, but i've already started looking for counselors in the area.

[LoveNeverFails]

Just by reading a little from your posts, I can tell you genuinely love and care for your wife and you sincerely want healing and change.

 

From reading your first post, my inclination is that your wife may fear intimacy. I am not a professional and please do not take my words as such. However, one of the greatest books I have ever read, Fantasy Bond (by Robert Firestone), explains the unconscious fears of intimacy and this is also prescribed to sexuality.

 

"The experience of being loved and valued makes individuals acutely aware of their own existence. It arouses an intense fear of loss."

 

The author concludes that some women may fear the "giving and receiving" of love, particularly sexual love. To give and receive would mean to be vulnerable and extremely in love and close to that person. But, many individuals shy away from this from fears of loss, death, separation. Most people are not away of this since it is unconscious.

 

To note, the author derives a lot of his theories from psychoanalytic and existential therapies that are not commonplace in the 21st Century (like cognitive or behavioral therapy). However, I found Robert Firestone's work remarkably insightful and influential in my own personal change because of my fears of intimacy.

 

I would highly recommend reading Fantasy Bond and Fear of Intimacy. Your wife may be sexually compatible but a fear of intimacy may be limiting her within sexuality.

 

Let me know what you think.

[aerodynamic]

Thank you!

I found that my local library has "Fear of Intimacy" so I have placed a hold on that. I will look for "Fantasy Bond" at the store.

[LoveNeverFails]

Thank you!

I found that my local library has "Fear of Intimacy" so I have placed a hold on that. I will look for "Fantasy Bond" at the store.

 

That's great! A note of caution: this book is heavy reading material. However, it will open your eyes to so much that you would never think of. I have had a fear of intimacy since I was a child and I am forever grateful for these books since they have opened the floodgates for change.

 

I really hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

[aerodynamic]

Well, I woke up again way earlier than I should have, but I feel a lot better about things. I am trying really hard to change my ways. Right now, instead of being alone in the computer room, I decided to take my wife's laptop and use it here next to her on the bed, so I'm typing this while she is next to me asleep. I know she likes it better when I do that, and it keeps me from escaping back into porn.

 

We talked a lot last night. She cried a lot, but there was no anger or anything. I know why she's so sad. The one thing in her life that she was proud of, that made her feel content, was our relationship. And she felt now that the one thing that brought me a lot of pain was the relationship (though I kept assuring her that this relationship brings me more happiness than i ever dreamed of). She says she looked back on our marriage over the past few years and felt that she was in a bubble.

 

I also felt that she is starting to understand where I am coming from. For awhile, she thought it was about the acts or about the frequency. But as long as she is thinking "what does he want? what should I do now?", it ceases to be intimate to me. Instead we should know very clearly what we like, and genuinely enjoying giving each other pleasure. And a feeling of being liberal and relaxed about it. I don't have any weird fetishes, and I don't need to have sex every single day. But I do need my wife to feel totally comfortable about herself when she is with me.

 

On a positive note, we had abnormally hot lovemaking session last night. And I learned a lot about what she likes (funny that we've been together for 5 years!). I felt like this was one of those rare times where we felt comfortable taking our time enjoying each other, and we were both wonderfully exhausted afterwards. I know one night of hot sex isn't going to solve a longterm problem we have been having, but at least I feel that she understands things better than she ever did.

 

Although I still woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep, at least it's not due to a desire to get up and masturbate to porn. Actually I woke up with a big headache because I forgot to drink water before falling asleep. I am hoping we are on the right track, and would still gladly take suggestions. I have asked around for marriage counselors, but I'm also considering the self help approach using online communities, books, and just a lot of talking and sharing with my wife.

[mental_traveller]

Do you like the idea of wasting 10-20 years of your life in a sexless marriage, then losing hundreds of thousands on alimony, divorce settlement, and child support as your family breaks apart? If not, then divorce your wife asap.

 

No marriage can be happy when there is serious sexual incompatibility.

[mental_traveller]

I feel like ending the marriage is not a possibility. But you are right that 3 years ago, I never thought I would even go as far as regretting marriage, which I often feel now.

 

In 10 years time you will feel like staying married is not a possibility. Counselling is often just a symptom of denial.

 

Seriously, ask yourself how many sexless/low sex marriages like your own have you EVER seen, where the guy is happy? And you haven't even had kids yet! Wait until then, you will get it once a month at most, if you're lucky.

 

You need to spend a week or so searching through the thousands of identical posts to your own here on loveshack. It's always the same story, and it only ends in one of three ways - miserable no sex marriage for 10-20 years then divorce; miserable no sex marriage forever, with one or more affairs; or early divorce (by far the rarest outcome, because people are dumb).

 

Since you do seem to really love your wife, give it a shot, but IMO you need to be stern and set a deadline, like if things aren't better in 1 year, call it a day. Don't give an ultimatum to her unless all else fails, it'll just make her feel bad.

[aerodynamic]

Since you do seem to really love your wife, give it a shot, but IMO you need to be stern and set a deadline, like if things aren't better in 1 year, call it a day. Don't give an ultimatum to her unless all else fails, it'll just make her feel bad.

 

Thanks for your input, and appreciate your point of view. And I agree that setting a deadline is a good idea. The good news at this point, is that in the past 5-6 days, we seem to have made more progress than we've made in the past 4-5 years. And it's not just the sex, but how much we've been able to share and talk about. I think I've been overprotective of her feelings and as a result, have lacked communication in a few key areas. And we know what we need to work on now. I know the initial burst of progress in this area can be misleading as I've been through this before, but I can say with certainty that this time is different... that we both understand much more about each other for real, and seem to have broken through a barrier. But it was a REALLY tough and emotional couple of days talking with her before we started to really understand each other and know what we need to do.