How would an OW like this handled?

[herenow]

This happened last week, but I just decided to post here before I make my final decision.

 

We haven't heard from the OW for over 2 years and last week my H gets a letter at work. Not an email, a letter in the mail.

 

In the past (before d-day), my H hired the OW as an independent contractor. She got pretty steady work from him back then. He would even hire her when she wasn't needed so she would have money to pay her bills. After d-day, he stopped all contact with her including anything work related.

 

Now times are tough and the OW is having a hard time finding work. Her job doesn't require much training and many young people are doing it for a lot less money. She lives alone and has no other source of income and from what she says in the letter, no savings or family to help her.

 

So, she is reaching out to my H for help. She said she doesn't even have enough money to feed her cats. She said that she sent the letter because she knew that I could trace a call or an email. She asked that after he reads the letter he destroys it so there would be no way I would know she contacted him. Well, he gave me the letter the day he got it.

 

My H and I agreed a long time ago that we would ignore any contact from the OW and that is what he wants to do. She did mention the fact that he said she should never contact him, but she says she has no place else to go. My H thinks that he isn't the only one that got this letter. He feels that it's a manipulative move on her part and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if we could discuss this more and maybe handle it in a way where she could understand that she can never do this again.

 

I feel sorry for her. In the past a letter from her would have sparked anger in me, but now I only feel a bit of sympathy. So, here are my choices and I would like some feedback from OW on how you would like this best handled.

 

1 - We could just ignore it

 

2 - We could send her a letter requesting that she never contacts us again.

 

3 - We could send her a letter with some cash asking her to never contact us again and to make sure her cats are feed.

 

Any response will come from me, not my H. I have had no interaction with her in the past, so this would be the first time she would deal with me directly, and I with her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Herenow,

 

If you send her money or even cat food for that matter, you are telling her that you don't mean what you say. I think I would go for the letter reiterating NC and I would have her sign for it.

[Mino]

This happened last week, but I just decided to post here before I make my final decision.

 

We haven't heard from the OW for over 2 years and last week my H gets a letter at work. Not an email, a letter in the mail.

 

In the past (before d-day), my H hired the OW as an independent contractor. She got pretty steady work from him back then. He would even hire her when she wasn't needed so she would have money to pay her bills. After d-day, he stopped all contact with her including anything work related.

 

Now times are tough and the OW is having a hard time finding work. Her job doesn't require much training and many young people are doing it for a lot less money. She lives alone and has no other source of income and from what she says in the letter, no savings or family to help her.

 

So, she is reaching out to my H for help. She said she doesn't even have enough money to feed her cats. She said that she sent the letter because she knew that I could trace a call or an email. She asked that after he reads the letter he destroys it so there would be no way I would know she contacted him. Well, he gave me the letter the day he got it.

 

My H and I agreed a long time ago that we would ignore any contact from the OW and that is what he wants to do. She did mention the fact that he said she should never contact him, but she says she has no place else to go. My H thinks that he isn't the only one that got this letter. He feels that it's a manipulative move on her part and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if we could discuss this more and maybe handle it in a way where she could understand that she can never do this again.

 

I feel sorry for her. In the past a letter from her would have sparked anger in me, but now I only feel a bit of sympathy. So, here are my choices and I would like some feedback from OW on how you would like this best handled.

 

1 - We could just ignore it

 

2 - We could send her a letter requesting that she never contacts us again.

 

3 - We could send her a letter with some cash asking her to never contact us again and to make sure her cats are feed.

 

Any response will come from me, not my H. I have had no interaction with her in the past, so this would be the first time she would deal with me directly, and I with her.

After 2 years, I would just ignore it. She will get the message that she is not welcomed. Please send no money, she will keep coming back if you do. I am sure she will find a solution to her problems, it just wont be with the the two of you...

[herenow]

Herenow,

 

If you send her money or even cat food for that matter, you are telling her that you don't mean what you say. I think I would go for the letter reiterating NC and I would have her sign for it.

 

Thanks for the idea of having her sign for it. I didn't think of that. In hind site, we could have just sent the letter back to her unopened (return to sender).

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't give her the money, she really could be having $$ issues, but I doubt her cats are starving away, let alone herself.

 

So she has NO other contacts, no way of getting more work except only through your husband?

 

Are you sure she has no family? I find that hard to believe, let alone no savings. I'm sure she has friends she could ask. Honestly, I think it's a ploy in some sense, any way to break contact in hopes your H will help/rescue her. She could easily get a bank loan as a last resort.

 

Her sending the letter and hoping you wouldn't find out about it just shows that she has no respect for the NC, let alone your H fixing his marriage.

 

It's nice that you feel for her, and I'm sure life isn't easy for her either, but don't get sucked into her life, help her out and give her cash. All that does is open the door for it to happen again..

[2sure]

Its a good thing you gave this some time to think about before reacting.

 

Like you, I have an open heart and dont wish bad things on anyone.

But this woman said your H is the only one who can help her. Trying to make him feel guilty, like he may owe her something. Assuming basically, that he still cares at least enough to help her.

That bugs me.

But - you and H are recovering and happy so its a good time to be gracious.

To be honest - she tried to go behind your back in contacting your H. She assumed that if she went around you ...he would also keep it secret and respond.

That bugs me.

But - you and H are recovering and happy so its a good time to be gracious.

I think you should put her assumptions to rest.

I think YOU should send her a note back . Tell her that contrary to what your H's feeling on the matter you do sympathize. Simply stating that you are sorry for her troubles and offer to take one of her cats to ease her burden.

 

None of this need be said or felt with any anger. Your sympathy is sincere. But her Assumptions are way out of line.

[whichwayisup]

But this woman said your H is the only one who can help her. Trying to make him feel guilty, like he may owe her something. Assuming basically, that he still cares at least enough to help her.

 

Exactly, and that's why I think she's making this more dramatic/serious than it really is. Not saying she's lying about her money issues, but to go to the ONE person who isn't in her life anymore, and she knows she's not supposed to be in any contact, she certainly has some balls to do this, quite sneaky actually.

[dobler33]

yeah, that is really tricky. i think it's great that you're looking for the most compassionate way of dealing with this rather than just wanting to hurt her. you are a brave and good lady.

 

ignoring would leave her hanging, waiting for an answer, and that would fester into something ucky in her head (which might bite you and your H in the arse if she's a bit unstable).

 

sending her cash would be humiliating beyond your ability to comprehend, or at least it would if she had any self-respect.

 

i'd go w the letter reinforcing NC. my advice would be to make it as short and sweet as possible. any kind of emotional rehashment from you is only going to make her want to respond. "we are sorry for your current difficulties but we are not able to help you in any way. please respect our agreements and do not respond to this. good luck, -me."

[Reggie]

Take a loan form your 401k and send her as much as possible. Offer to take her cats, as well.

[herenow]

I wouldn't give her the money, she really could be having $$ issues, but I doubt her cats are starving away, let alone herself.

 

So she has NO other contacts, no way of getting more work except only through your husband?

 

Are you sure she has no family? I find that hard to believe, let alone no savings. I'm sure she has friends she could ask. Honestly, I think it's a ploy in some sense, any way to break contact in hopes your H will help/rescue her. She could easily get a bank loan as a last resort.

 

Her sending the letter and hoping you wouldn't find out about it just shows that she has no respect for the NC, let alone your H fixing his marriage.

 

It's nice that you feel for her, and I'm sure life isn't easy for her either, but don't get sucked into her life, help her out and give her cash. All that does is open the door for it to happen again..

 

Thank you and you are probably right. My H doesn't think he was the only one to get this letter, so maybe someone else will step up to the plate and help her. I just want to rise above it and do the right thing. Maybe the right thing is to just ignore it, but for some crazy reason, that makes me feel guilty.

 

Thankfully, my life is good and I want to keep it that way. I always say that I should teat people the way I would like to be treated. If this was anyone else, I would help in a second. My internal question is, should I ignore someone who needs help because their past choices hurt me?

[herenow]

"we are sorry for your current difficulties but we are not able to help you in any way. please respect our agreements and do not respond to this. good luck, -me."

 

Nice. This may be the best way to deal with her.

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't ignore it..I think this woman needs to hear it from you and to let her know that your H is on board with this as well. Alteast she will know 100% for sure that the NC is still in place and has to be respected.

 

You could also tell her you're sorry to hear about her tough times, but getting involved this way isn't something either of you can do for her. Wish her well and ask her to please respect the NC and not to contact your H again..

[NoIDidn't]

Its a good thing you gave this some time to think about before reacting.

 

Like you, I have an open heart and dont wish bad things on anyone.

But this woman said your H is the only one who can help her. Trying to make him feel guilty, like he may owe her something. Assuming basically, that he still cares at least enough to help her.

That bugs me.

But - you and H are recovering and happy so its a good time to be gracious.

To be honest - she tried to go behind your back in contacting your H. She assumed that if she went around you ...he would also keep it secret and respond.

That bugs me.

But - you and H are recovering and happy so its a good time to be gracious.

I think you should put her assumptions to rest.

I think YOU should send her a note back . Tell her that contrary to what your H's feeling on the matter you do sympathize. Simply stating that you are sorry for her troubles and offer to take one of her cats to ease her burden.

 

None of this need be said or felt with any anger. Your sympathy is sincere. But her Assumptions are way out of line.

 

I agree with everything you say EXCEPT taking one of her cats.

 

She is thinking that he may still feel something for her and is trying to work it.

 

I would tell her that I sympathize, but that times are hard for everyone right now and that we are not in a position to help her.

 

Its totally inappropriate for her to go back to him with her hand out.

[grogster]

I'm with your husband: Ignore the letter.

 

No good can come out of any dealings with this OW.

 

Don't cross that line.

[herenow]

Thanks everyone for all the quick answers. I'm going to lunch with my H and I plan to tell him I posted here and share your comments with him.

 

His fear is that any answer will bring her back in our lives and he doesn't want that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Not able to help her????? Why the heck tip toe around this??? HN asked for NC and she broke it and asked for her H to hide it from HN! HN should have no guilt about this womans situation. She chose it. Why not, not in a million years???

 

I'm not sure I would address the money at all, I would address the fact that she is still trying to operate behind my back.

 

Feel sorry for her all you want, but she is being manipulative and all the sympathy in the world isn't going to help that.

[2sure]

Yes, agreed.Separating cats that have lived together is cruel. Offer to take them both.

 

Obviously that was sarcastic. (But I really would take the cats, soft spot here). I am all about the high road, in taking it you will benefit the most.

I am also all about never passing anyone with their hand out.

 

But this woman didnt come to you. She came to your husband behind your back - as was done in the past. In doing so, she is assuming he stopped seeing her and that NC was in effect simply because YOU forced him. She sent the letter taking all care to circumvent YOU. As though as long as you didnt know - he would respond. If it were me I would want her to somehow know that through HIS own decision you were not kept in the dark about her contact. Just for her future reference.

[LaGazelle]

This happened last week, but I just decided to post here before I make my final decision.

 

We haven't heard from the OW for over 2 years and last week my H gets a letter at work. Not an email, a letter in the mail.

 

In the past (before d-day), my H hired the OW as an independent contractor. She got pretty steady work from him back then. He would even hire her when she wasn't needed so she would have money to pay her bills. After d-day, he stopped all contact with her including anything work related.

 

Now times are tough and the OW is having a hard time finding work. Her job doesn't require much training and many young people are doing it for a lot less money. She lives alone and has no other source of income and from what she says in the letter, no savings or family to help her.

 

So, she is reaching out to my H for help. She said she doesn't even have enough money to feed her cats. She said that she sent the letter because she knew that I could trace a call or an email. She asked that after he reads the letter he destroys it so there would be no way I would know she contacted him. Well, he gave me the letter the day he got it.

 

My H and I agreed a long time ago that we would ignore any contact from the OW and that is what he wants to do. She did mention the fact that he said she should never contact him, but she says she has no place else to go. My H thinks that he isn't the only one that got this letter. He feels that it's a manipulative move on her part and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if we could discuss this more and maybe handle it in a way where she could understand that she can never do this again.

 

I feel sorry for her. In the past a letter from her would have sparked anger in me, but now I only feel a bit of sympathy. So, here are my choices and I would like some feedback from OW on how you would like this best handled.

 

1 - We could just ignore it

 

2 - We could send her a letter requesting that she never contacts us again.

 

3 - We could send her a letter with some cash asking her to never contact us again and to make sure her cats are feed.

 

Any response will come from me, not my H. I have had no interaction with her in the past, so this would be the first time she would deal with me directly, and I with her.

 

 

Hey, I am not an OW, but I would either go for 1 or 3. From what you've said, you've done 2/are asked for no contact in the past , so don't repeat just that action might not send her the message. If you do it again, you start to look as if you are Perhaps the more compassionate choice - 3 is best, providing you write the letter and make it clear that your husband gave it to you.

 

Maybe you also want to get your husband to sign , or she might get the impression that you somehow forced him to ask for NC.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Them ignoring the letter will just cause turmoil for this OW. Isn't it better to just be honest and hit two birds with one stone? Sending the letter shows the OW that 1) She thought/hoped he wouldn't show it to his wife, HN - Yet he did. By replying it lets HER know that there's no hope for anything, closes/locks the door forever. And 2) Just out of common courtesy, because obviously she is having some problems, who knows what her frame of mind is, so even if the answer isn't what she was hoping for, atleast the OW will know what's what. Ignoring it could make her contact them more.

[LaGazelle]

Herenow,

 

If you send her money or even cat food for that matter, you are telling her that you don't mean what you say. I think I would go for the letter reiterating NC and I would have her sign for it.

 

Great idea to have her sign to receive it!

[anne1707]

Maintain NC and do not respond otherwise she will then find some other excuse to contact you. Or you could send her some tins of cat food

[Lucky_One]

I'm a wuss, and definitely a push-over for helping people. And I HATE feeling guilty, and I feel guilty easily.

 

I would get my lawyer to send her a letter, return receipt requested, saying that she is to maintain NC with H and you, and that any future contact will result in swift legal action. Please find enclosed $250 to help her over any financial hurdles she may have in the immediacy, and that this money in no way, shape, or form implies a debt being repaid nor a source of continuing income, and that this is a one-time gift to show graciousness in a time of your own personal prosperity and that her acceptance of such shows as proof of her agreement that there is no past debt.

 

That way she gets the NC firmly in place, she knows that you are not playing any games, she gets the full threat of legal action thrust into her face, and you get to know that she is feeding the cats properly.

[Adunaphel]

If she truly is having big financial problems and is looking for a job, it has been quite idiotic (and quite suspicious) of her to ask your H not to show the letter to you.

Had it only been about money, I doubt she would have mentioned you at all.

[Sweet108]

I'm new here but wanted to cast a vote. You sound like a compassionate, forgiving and understanding woman. Still, if I were you I would ignore the letter. Heartstrings for her situation may only keep her continuing to contact you both in the future.

[silktricks]

I'm with your husband. I'd ignore the letter.

 

1. When he said no contact, he said NO contact. He didn't say - OK, I'll contact you if you contact me and REALLY need something. No contact is no contact is no contact..

 

2. If you send her a letter, yes it shows that he gave you the letter, and it also somewhat twists the knife. Yet, if there is contact it MUST come from you, otherwise it could have the appearance that he honored her request to keep you isolated. You do not sound like you want to twist the knife - not in the slightest - so again, I'd say ignore the letter.

 

3. If the cats are THAT hungry, I'm certain she can find good homes for them.

 

4. This whole thing feels like a ploy to get back into contact with your husband. Any contact is contact. No contact is the way to go.... in my opinion....