How would an OW like this handled?

[torranceshipman]

I'd avoid all drama and not respond at all!

 

It is possible, in today's economic climate, that she really is very hard done by financially and it might have been a desparate act motivated by nothing but concern for her finances (as opposed to wanting to be with you H - her life may, very well, have completely moved on by now!). She probably doesn't really expect a reply, so I'd just ignore it...

[Spark1111]

herenow, I agree with the posters who are urging you to respond that while your husband wanted to ignore the letter, you felt it was kinder to let her know you two would not be offering any financial support.

 

Brilliant! It lets her know that he does not keep any secrets from you; that you know she violated NC and that he will inform you immediately of she continues to do so, and yet you still seem like the bigger person. in even responding to her financial plight.

 

You, as a couple, are presenting a united front. Bravo!

 

I agree with 2sure, there are an awful lot of assumptions on her part and the end run around you does smack of manipulation no matter how tough economic times are now.

 

Or don't respond, as is your choice.

 

Dobler, as a BS who tried on numerous occasions to contact the OW, not for revenge but to just talk, all of which was consistently ignored, why should herenow and her husband care if a non-response festers doubt for the OW? Just curious. But the response you suggested was really spot on.

[jj33]

I think her financial concerns may very well be real. After 2 years the fact that she is contacting him may mean that she has exhausted other avenues. However in that event its odd that she would ask him to hide her correspondence from you.

 

I would as others have said respond and give her your sincere sympathies but tell her you are not in a position to help and ask that she not contact you again.

 

Its harsh but she burned a bridge when she slept with your H.

[Die Hard]

Ill throw my two cents behind not ignoring it. She will get it in her head that your husband concealed the letter but is torn about contacting her. This will only invite more contact.

 

I like the idea of a lawyer sending a letter. That way she knows your husband told you everything and that you two are SERIOUS about no more contact, ever. Serious enough to get a lawyer. Do this and imo you'll never hear from her again. At the end of the day she is just fishing to see how your marriage is going. Don't take the bait and let her know ANYTHING other than you never want to hear from her again..ever.

 

And good on your husband for going right to you with the letter. Its an action that speaks volumes about where he is now compared to where he was in the past. Congrats on getting your marriage on track.:)

[sadintexas]

Your H is the one who was involved with her and knows her best. His gut is saying she's reaching out to several and is using this to try to get back in. I would listen to his gut and ignore her.

 

Naturally, you feel a little sympathy for her. That's a good thing. But she's a big girl and there are resources for people who need help.

[bentnotbroken]

Registered mail:

 

OW, (no need to use dear here)

 

H and I have considered your letter. We have discussed it, prayed about it and even consulted several experts(LS crew:rolleyes:) and we have come to the conclusion, that while the economy is indeed causing difficulties for many, it is not now, nor will it ever be our responsibility to keep you afloat. While we pray your circumstances don't worsen, we will be requesting that you do the decent thing and never contact again. If that is not possible for you, we will be forced to take direct action through legal means. Be blessed.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Herenow

 

 

P.S. translation....STEP OFF!

[jj33]

Good letter BNB.

 

I am usually all for calling in the lawyers when necessary but I think that would be a huge waste of time and money in this instance. She isnt a threat. She hasnt contacted you in 2 years. She can be handled without wasting money on lawyers. And if she really is in a desparate financial situation, why freak her out by sending her a letter from a lawyer.

 

There were many times when I wondered if I might have to ask xMM for help in this economy (thank God I never did). But if we had been out of touch for 2 years and i was desparate enough to stoop to that and had answered me with a lawyers letter rather than simply no not possible it might have thrown me over the edge.

 

She might not deserve your pity but a lawyers letter seems like real overkill.

[GreenEyedLady]

My H and I agreed a long time ago that we would ignore any contact from the OW and that is what he wants to do.

 

I feel sorry for her. In the past a letter from her would have sparked anger in me, but now I only feel a bit of sympathy. So, here are my choices and I would like some feedback from OW on how you would like this best handled.

 

1 - We could just ignore it

 

2 - We could send her a letter requesting that she never contacts us again.

 

3 - We could send her a letter with some cash asking her to never contact us again and to make sure her cats are feed.

 

Any response will come from me, not my H. I have had no interaction with her in the past, so this would be the first time she would deal with me directly, and I with her.

 

You know, I think I would just ignore it.

 

Although it seems it probably is her last choice (pride would keep me from doing this no matter WHAT), you guys decided ahead of time how it should be handled.

 

She's not your problem. You two focus on what's best for your M.

 

I know it seems harsh coming from me, but she shouldn't be looking to him to rescue her. She needs to learn to rescue herself.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

You know, I think I would just ignore it.

 

Although it seems it probably is her last choice (pride would keep me from doing this no matter WHAT), you guys decided ahead of time how it should be handled.

 

She's not your problem. You two focus on what's best for your M.

 

I know it seems harsh coming from me, but she shouldn't be looking to him to rescue her. She needs to learn to rescue herself.

 

GEL

 

I agree with you but just wonder if ignoring it would just invite more contact from her.

 

You know how some people don't take hints well. She might wonder if he received it and call or write again to find out.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

After 2 years NC and a letter like that, there is NO telling what she's fabricated in her mind. You need to reiterate NC and let her know that you and your H have a united front. I disagree with ignoring the letter. Bent had a great response.

[GreenEyedLady]

I agree with you but just wonder if ignoring it would just invite more contact from her.

 

You know how some people don't take hints well. She might wonder if he received it and call or write again to find out.

 

I just think keep ignoring. If you acknowledge, you invite the power struggle back in.

 

Ignore her like she's not important because in the scheme of things she's not.

 

You contact her, it's like inviting her back in.

 

And yes I was a BS before. (Albeit entirely different.)

 

Ignoring is merciful yet gets your point across.

 

Silence says more than words.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

I just think keep ignoring. If you acknowledge, you invite the power struggle back in.

 

Ignore her like she's not important because in the scheme of things she's not.

 

You contact her, it's like inviting her back in.

 

And yes I was a BS before. (Albeit entirely different.)

 

Ignoring is merciful yet gets your point across.

 

Silence says more than words.

 

GEL

 

I know you were a BS before. But I have to wonder if she keeps contact him in secret after being ignored time and time again, wouldn't you want to let her know why she's being ignored?

 

I understand your logic and agree with it to a point, the point at which she becomes a bugaboo. I just think eventually she's going to have to be dealt with by breaking the silence.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Ignoring is merciful yet gets your point across.

 

How does ignoring her HER get the point across. As far as she knows HN has no clue about the request, infact she felt comfortable enough to leave instructions for it to be destroyed so that HN couldn't read it. She KNOWS exactly what she is doing.

 

I can go with not being unnecisarily cruel but MERCIFUL???? Come on, what in don't let your wife know, deserves mercy. She's back and you need to let her know where you stand.

[amymarieca]

I wouldn't feel bad for her. She is being manipulative. I'm sure your husbands company is not the last place hiring for jobs. If I had to, I would work at McDonald's if it meant not starving. She has a lot of nerve contacting your husband in this manner. Stay clear from her.

[GreenEyedLady]

I know you were a BS before. But I have to wonder if she keeps contact him in secret after being ignored time and time again, wouldn't you want to let her know why she's being ignored?

 

I understand your logic and agree with it to a point, the point at which she becomes a bugaboo. I just think eventually she's going to have to be dealt with by breaking the silence.

 

HN will deal with it the way they think best for them. But if you're ignored over and over, doesn't that speak more than words?

 

Like...

 

She reads him saying NC as: His W won't let him talk to me, his W is the devil etc so on and so forth.

 

Besides, for all she knows, he doesn't care about her and if you don't care about someone, you certainly don't answer their letters.

 

Or if there is a next time, return the letter, unopened.

 

Now that says something.

[GreenEyedLady]

Ignoring is merciful yet gets your point across.

 

How does ignoring her HER get the point across. As far as she knows HN has no clue about the request, infact she felt comfortable enough to leave instructions for it to be destroyed so that HN couldn't read it. She KNOWS exactly what she is doing.

 

I can go with not being unnecisarily cruel but MERCIFUL???? Come on, what in don't let your wife know, deserves mercy. She's back and you need to let her know where you stand.

 

I said merciful because she is obviously stooping. If she gets no return message at least it isn't hateful or joyful in her misfortune (ie karma bus) therefore merciful.

 

And (in ur post) you're illustrating the power struggle from your eyes. Letting you know where you stand: you let her know where she stands, which is nowhere. If you have to tell her, suggests that your footing isn't as sound as it should be. Their should be no power struggle and if from what HN posts, she has nothing to worry about. There is no power struggle at all.

[herenow]

I can't thank you all enough for your help. You have all given me some great advice.

 

I'm not going to do anything right now. I find when I rush into things, it isn't always right.

 

My H has told me to handle this in a way that will make me happy. Or, I guess I should say in a way that will put an end to it. He doesn't want to acknowledge her himself and insists that any response come from me if that is what I want. He is a smart guy!

 

I'm not certain what her motivation is and I'm not sure it even matters. I'm going to assume that what she wrote is the truth and go from there.

 

This came as such a surprise, I need some more time to decide what is right. There are some great ideas here and I thank you all again.

 

I'm lucky that so much time has past because I'm quite certain if this letter came closer to d-day, my reaction would have been with pain and anger. At least now, I can deal with it rationally.

[tami-chan]

Take a loan form your 401k and send her as much as possible. Offer to take her cats, as well.

 

!!!!

 

Seriously, herenow. Just ignore the letter/xOW. Who cares what her motives are. She is history. Are you worried that your husband would soften up and feel bad enough for her that he might respond to the letter behind your back?

[SidLyon]

This happened last week, but I just decided to post here before I make my final decision.

 

We haven't heard from the OW for over 2 years and last week my H gets a letter at work. Not an email, a letter in the mail.

 

In the past (before d-day), my H hired the OW as an independent contractor. She got pretty steady work from him back then. He would even hire her when she wasn't needed so she would have money to pay her bills. After d-day, he stopped all contact with her including anything work related.

 

Now times are tough and the OW is having a hard time finding work. Her job doesn't require much training and many young people are doing it for a lot less money. She lives alone and has no other source of income and from what she says in the letter, no savings or family to help her.

 

So, she is reaching out to my H for help. She said she doesn't even have enough money to feed her cats. She said that she sent the letter because she knew that I could trace a call or an email. She asked that after he reads the letter he destroys it so there would be no way I would know she contacted him. Well, he gave me the letter the day he got it.

 

My H and I agreed a long time ago that we would ignore any contact from the OW and that is what he wants to do. She did mention the fact that he said she should never contact him, but she says she has no place else to go. My H thinks that he isn't the only one that got this letter. He feels that it's a manipulative move on her part and he wants nothing to do with it. I asked him if we could discuss this more and maybe handle it in a way where she could understand that she can never do this again.

 

I feel sorry for her. In the past a letter from her would have sparked anger in me, but now I only feel a bit of sympathy. So, here are my choices and I would like some feedback from OW on how you would like this best handled.

 

1 - We could just ignore it

 

2 - We could send her a letter requesting that she never contacts us again.

 

3 - We could send her a letter with some cash asking her to never contact us again and to make sure her cats are feed.

 

Any response will come from me, not my H. I have had no interaction with her in the past, so this would be the first time she would deal with me directly, and I with her.

 

Err I think it's fairly clear how the OW in this case wants it handled isn't it?

 

She wants your H to respond to her, resume contact, give her money and not tell you about it - have I got this right do you think?

 

If you are asking for advice then mine would be to maintain NC - ie ignore it.

 

If you feel you simply must respond then it should be something to the effect of "we can't help and please don't contact us again".

 

S

[jasminetea]

Another one in favour of you writing and dismissing her and her panhandling.

[Aquarius Rising]

It seems that you're asking other OW how we would like it handled .... that's interesting to me ..... and that depends totally on what frame of mind THIS ow is in ......

 

If she is still clinging to the hope that the affair can be rekindled (and you can't be certain that she isn't) then I would say that she wants you to allow her back into your life ... in what ever form she can achieve contact. After all, she is obviously going through a very low period in her life and historically your H has been able to lift her spirits, make her feel good about herself etc. etc. so it's highly likely that she's taking a punt on that being possible again.

 

I don't think it matters how the OW would like it handled. How do you and your H want it handled is the bigger question. I would suggest you be firm and clear that you do not want her contacting you ... but sure a little empathy goes a long way ...

 

How about we are unable and unwilling to assist you given the history we share, however we do hope that you can find the support that you need right now. Please understand and respect that we would like no further contact with you'.

 

Just a suggestion?

[2sure]

I think her financial concerns may very well be real.

 

JJ is right. Times, for some - are at the point of throwing pride out the window. She may just desperately need work. Maybe several people received the same letter. She couldnt very well have sent it to your home.

 

People are taking desperate measures, its the truth. She wasnt asking for money, she wasnt asking to meet. She asked for work. Violated NC, assumed too much...

 

Ignoring it would be prudent and compassionate.

[NoIDidn't]

HN will deal with it the way they think best for them. But if you're ignored over and over, doesn't that speak more than words?

 

Like...

 

She reads him saying NC as: His W won't let him talk to me, his W is the devil etc so on and so forth.

 

Besides, for all she knows, he doesn't care about her and if you don't care about someone, you certainly don't answer their letters.

 

Or if there is a next time, return the letter, unopened.

 

Now that says something.

 

Yeah it says something. It says that you agree that something will have to let her know to stop attempting to break NC - even if HN and her H remain silent.

 

The bolded part represents CONTACT even if they didn't open the letter. It speaks very loudly. And doing something like that to continued letters is exactly what I am basically saying. A statement will have to be made, even if its in the form of a returned letter to end her attempts to get him to communicate with her.

[wildsoul]

 

JJ is right. Times, for some - are at the point of throwing pride out the window. She may just desperately need work. Maybe several people received the same letter. She couldnt very well have sent it to your home.

 

People are taking desperate measures, its the truth. She wasnt asking for money, she wasnt asking to meet. She asked for work. Violated NC, assumed too much...

 

Ignoring it would be prudent and compassionate.

Speaking as someone who ALSO has no family, no source of extra income, and being self-employed and on the edge, this story makes my heart break. There are plenty of us smart, formerly successful, single women out there who are at risk of being homeless due to the economic downturn and drying up of credit to cover the gaps.

 

Bottom-line, she's not your responsibility and she broke NC. Of course you're not obligated. But I like your idea of sending a letter from YOU, with a firm demand for no more contact, and some grocery money. $500 given to her would be MUCH more compassionate than paying a lawyer to write a letter.

[White Flower]

I couldn't agree more with Wildsoul. As an exOW who has nobody, no parents or siblings who can help I can totally relate to this OW. Even my retirement was drained by a gambling husband, so there is no cash to fall back on.

I wouldn't give her the money, she really could be having $$ issues, but I doubt her cats are starving away, let alone herself.

 

So she has NO other contacts, no way of getting more work except only through your husband?

 

Are you sure she has no family? I find that hard to believe, let alone no savings. I'm sure she has friends she could ask. Honestly, I think it's a ploy in some sense, any way to break contact in hopes your H will help/rescue her. She could easily get a bank loan as a last resort.

 

Her sending the letter and hoping you wouldn't find out about it just shows that she has no respect for the NC, let alone your H fixing his marriage.

 

It's nice that you feel for her, and I'm sure life isn't easy for her either, but don't get sucked into her life, help her out and give her cash. All that does is open the door for it to happen again..

Herenow stated that it was her H who provided exOW with work. She turned to him for the same reason. I'm sure she is looking for a way to help herself once she makes a business connection so that she can get herself back on her feet. This was a very humbling experience for her, one that I could not do, and I feel for her. I don't see it as manipulative on her part whatsoever. I see her secrecy in sending the letter to his work as a way of protecting Herenow from revisiting the painful past. Must we always see evil manipulation in the actions of others, especially in such dire times? Come on! People keep getting kicked out of their homes!

 

Every one of my friends knows of my situation yet nobody has offered to help because even though they are comfortable right now they know very well it could be their job next. I do believe this OW would not humiliate herself like this unless the situation was dire.

 

There are no bank loans in the US right now for people out of work and unable to pay it back. Canada won't be far behind.

 

Herenow stated, "So, she is reaching out to my H for help. She said she doesn't even have enough money to feed her cats. She said that she sent the letter because she knew that I could trace a call or an email. She asked that after he reads the letter he destroys it so there would be no way I would know she contacted him. Well, he gave me the letter the day he got it."

 

Again, it could be that she does't want to rehash painful memories for you and is only looking to get a job referal from your H. By the way, kudos for him for the complete transparency from him to you. I just feel sad that he assumes she is being manipulative. So what if she sent other letters? SHE NEEDS A JOB, HER LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. What would you do if your life depended on it?

 

If H can use his resources to find her a job somewhere and let YOU send her the info on it it would help twofold: she knows he's been transparent with you AND you feel that you've helped someone who was also hurt by your H. He is responsible for both of your pain, you know.

 

Someone else stated, "If she truly is having big financial problems and is looking for a job, it has been quite idiotic (and quite suspicious) of her to ask your H not to show the letter to you.

Had it only been about money, I doubt she would have mentioned you at all."

 

Again, if she is desperate and only needed a job or money AND didn't want to hurt Herenow any further I don't see the logic in that.

 

Herenow, is there anyway for your H to find her a job and for you to send her the note about it? It would send a clear message that not only is your M transparent and you are number one in H's life but that you have compassion as well. Good luck and keep us posted.