How would an OW like this handled?

[herenow]

Thank you again to all of you. Your replies have been very helpful. We have decided to ignore the letter for the following reasons:

 

1 - The fact that she asked my H to hide this from me, shows that she doesn't understand that we are committed to each other and with that commitment we promise to be honest with each other. Her request for him to not tell me about the letter violates that trust and the NC that my H requested from her. (WF, She wasn't asking to hide it so that I would avoid pain. She was asking because she assumed I would not let my H help her. She didn't show any sign of care towards me in the past, so I can't believe she would start now. But thank you for exploring that idea, I hadn't thought about it)

 

2 - My H tells me that, in the past, she has turned down jobs because she felt she was too good and worth more than the employers were willing to pay. The line about "younger people doing her job for less money" tells me that she isn't willing to work for less. IMO, she should take whatever job is offered to her before asking anyone (much less my H) to help her.

 

3 - She doesn't want to hear from me and I agree that an answer from me may be condensing. If I am honest with myself, I would have to admit that I would get some warped sense of satisfaction from her knowing that my H gave me the letter. That isn't a healthy way of dealing with her.

 

4 - Even if I helped her, anything I would give her wouldn't go too far. She would still be in the same position. My H is a recovering addict and he says that she needs to figure out a way to deal with her problems on her own. For me to help her now, won't solve the problem. Bottom line, help from me won't go too far since she won't get what she really wants and that is help from my H.

 

5 Most important, my H wants to ignore it. He has done so many things the way I wanted them done, I think it's time for me to show him that I listen to him and respect how he feels.

 

We will return any future letters unopened (thanks for that idea). You guys are a great sounding board and I really appreciate the time you took to post on my thread.

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like a solid relationship to me. Doing for each other is what adds to it's strength. Be blessed.

[SidLyon]

I'm sure this is the right thing.

[OpenBook]

There is the risk that the OW will re-attempt to contact your H (again, without your knowledge) to get some kind of response - make sure he got the letter, see him again, etc. I hope he is strong enough to handle her by himself, should that happen.

[herenow]

There is the risk that the OW will re-attempt to contact your H (again, without your knowledge) to get some kind of response - make sure he got the letter, see him again, etc. I hope he is strong enough to handle her by himself, should that happen.

 

I won't be surprised anymore if she does try to contact him, but he won't have to handle it by himself if she does. I will be there for him and I will support him.

 

I know we made the best decision for our relationship and I hope one day she understands why it isn't OK to contact him for any reason. But she has to realize that for herself since we won't be responding to her. If she should call him on the phone, he will politely tell her that he wishes her well and the conversation is over. No contact is what is best for everyone including her.

[81West]

None of the millions affected deserve the fallout of this economic zeitgeist, and feeling badly for any one of those people is a human instinct most of us would share. However, as a matter of completely appropriate self interest I don't believe you need to respond to this in any way given the fact that no contact was decided and established. It's simply not appropriate that she has asked for this, no matter her circumstances.

 

For her own sake she needs to restructure and recover her own life so that an affair partner years back into his marriage is not her best lifeline. If she has been struggling with that, this may force her to establish or re-establish more appropriate and meaningful foundations. It's sad - and hard - but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[herenow]

None of the millions affected deserve the fallout of this economic zeitgeist, and feeling badly for any one of those people is a human instinct most of us would share. However, as a matter of completely appropriate self interest I don't believe you need to respond to this in any way given the fact that no contact was decided and established. It's simply not appropriate that she has asked for this, no matter her circumstances.

 

For her own sake she needs to restructure and recover her own life so that an affair partner years back into his marriage is not her best lifeline. If she has been struggling with that, this may force her to establish or re-establish more appropriate and meaningful foundations. It's sad - and hard - but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

 

I really feel that this is the best way to handle it for everyone.

 

Working weekends is a drag. I shouldn't complain, I'm very thankful I have a job, but now it's time to go home.

 

Hope you all have a great weekend and happy father's day!

 

Thanks again.

[LakesideDream]

I'm really sad about this thread. Many of the contributors seem so cold, and heartless.

 

I hold friends very dear. Very dear. I've lost so many friends and every loss hurt. I can't imagine being able to completely abandon a former lover, obviously friend when that person was in dire need.

 

I understand that the OW dynamic clouds the situation. I'm sure the OP's husband made promises to his wife to be true and faithful forever, and to maintain no contact above all other things. I even understand herenow's attitude about the former OW. It's reasonable too. The OW threatened her marriage and life in profound ways. I understand. I do.

 

I don't believe that acting in a cruel, and cold manner will do anything to fortify their marriage, or improve their lives. Being cold and inhumane, is just cold and inhumane. At some point this woman was good enough to share herenow's husbands bed, his life, and his heart. Presumably she's not an ogre or demon spawn. She's just a woman fallen on bad times reaching out for a hand up. It had to be difficult for her to humiliate herself and ask for help. It's bound to be devistating to be ignored.

 

With full disclosure, and honesty I would be willing to offer any help I could to a person in that situation. Obviously that would not extend to things that damaged the marriage, or relationship. Job leads, work related networking, yes, maybe some cash to tide her over, all would be on the table for me.

 

Friends and relationships are precious things. Maybe the most precious things we aquire throughout our lives. I would think long and hard, breath deeply and close my eyes before I turned a blind eye to a "former" friend, in dire straights.

 

This is truely the time of the "me" generation, and we have sired the "who gives a damn, what's in it for me" generation. I'm afraid we will all suffer for our heartlessness in the end.

[LakesideDream]

Oh.. and I'm a sucker for kitties. A gift card from PetSmart would be a no brainer.

[Adunaphel]

Is there a way to find out from third parties whether she actually is in so bad financial troubles?

The fact that she asked not to show the letter to you and the fact that your H considered her letter a manipulative move on her part made me assume that she might be exaggerating a bit her situation, but then, again, as other posters said, she might be actually be in dire need.

I can see why you chose to ignore the letter, and it makes sense... but since you started this thread and you are clearly a very compassionate person... well, it would be great if you could find out about her situation.

So that you get rid of the doubt that you did the right thing.

I am not implying that you have any obligations whatsoever towards her or that you should be more undestanding and compassionate that you already are, it's just that you sound like the kind of person who would not sleep at night if you were to find out that her financial situation was actually *that* bad and/or something unpleasant happened to her because of it.

[whichwayisup]

This woman isn't HN or her husband's responsibility. This woman I'm sure has other friends, people in her life she could have asked. Yes it's sad IF she is broke and having serious $$ issues, but I honestly think the manipulative part of this WAS to get reaction, to put feelers out there to see if HN's husband was "over it" and could break NC. IF it was JUST about the money, don't you think the letter would have been addressed to them both? Maybe a little apology to HN, ask for forgiveness, ask to open her heart abit to help out with some$$? But no, it didn't happen that way, the OW was sneaky about.

 

If this woman was in dire need, she also could get a bank loan. OR lower her working standards and find a job, any job to help her make money. Sounds like from what HN said this woman isn't willing to do the grunt work, she wants certain types of jobs that suit her. I highly doubt she's exhausted ALL her efforts and came up empty.

[carhill]

Oh.. and I'm a sucker for kitties. A gift card from PetSmart would be a no brainer.

Plus one. Great idea!

 

Order it up online and she'd get it directly from Petsmart; easy to remain anonymous.

 

'Nuff said.

[mopar crazy]

I wouldn't give her the money, she really could be having $$ issues, but I doubt her cats are starving away, let alone herself.

 

So she has NO other contacts, no way of getting more work except only through your husband?

 

Are you sure she has no family? I find that hard to believe, let alone no savings. I'm sure she has friends she could ask. Honestly, I think it's a ploy in some sense, any way to break contact in hopes your H will help/rescue her. She could easily get a bank loan as a last resort.

 

Her sending the letter and hoping you wouldn't find out about it just shows that she has no respect for the NC, let alone your H fixing his marriage.

 

It's nice that you feel for her, and I'm sure life isn't easy for her either, but don't get sucked into her life, help her out and give her cash. All that does is open the door for it to happen again..

 

Ditto! I couldn't have said it better myself. There are plenty other jobs out there. A cashier, fast food, etc. It might not pay that much but at least it's something.

[Gus]

Throw the letter and ignore her. If times are so hard for her financially, she can be an a.m. server at an IHOP and work somewhere else in the afternoon / evenings. I'm sure WalMart is hiring, too. She's not your problem and neither are her finances nor her cats. If she can't afford to feed her cats, she needs to give them away to someone that can.

[LakesideDream]

Throw the letter and ignore her. If times are so hard for her financially, she can be an a.m. server at an IHOP and work somewhere else in the afternoon / evenings. I'm sure WalMart is hiring, too. She's not your problem and neither are her finances nor her cats. If she can't afford to feed her cats, she needs to give them away to someone that can.

 

 

Wow, that's cold. Where I live, if you don't have a job... you are poop out of luck, even walmart is cutting hours. And on the kitty subject, I clearly remember some 35+ years ago when I opened my last can of Campbells potato soup and shared it with my kitty.... luckily that was the worst of it, things started getting better soon. Sometimes a kitty (or a dog if you are so inclined) can become your lifeline to sanity... (thank you Mr. Kitty, RIP).

 

So cold people, so cold. I'm proud that I am not like that.

[no angel]

That is positively MORTIFYING.

 

Online cat food MY ASS. THIS woman is playing the damsel in distress card trying to appeal to something that should have never existed in the first place. This is her way of staying in your husband's orbit and it's pathetic.

 

I'm a compassionate person but not when my nature is being taken advantage of by someone who has already made an enemy of me.

 

Sorry she keeps popping up. Gotta be frustrating for you and your husband.

[herenow]

Wow, that's cold. Where I live, if you don't have a job... you are poop out of luck, even walmart is cutting hours. And on the kitty subject, I clearly remember some 35+ years ago when I opened my last can of Campbells potato soup and shared it with my kitty.... luckily that was the worst of it, things started getting better soon. Sometimes a kitty (or a dog if you are so inclined) can become your lifeline to sanity... (thank you Mr. Kitty, RIP).

 

So cold people, so cold. I'm proud that I am not like that.

 

Lakeside,

 

Please don't forget that her method of asking was deceitful. She sent a letter so that I would have no way of tracking her contact. Truth is, I'm way beyond the days of looking at my H's emails and searching phone bills. However, she isn't beyond asking my H to lie to me. Or at least lie in the way he did in the past by not telling me about her. That shows that she has no respect for the fact that we (my H and I) are committed to each other and that means we are honest with each other.

 

Don't confuse our ignoring the letter with us not having compassion. Ignoring the letter is the most compassionate thing to do IMO. An answer from me isn't what she wants and I'm the only one she would get an answer from. No matter what, my H won't be a part of her life and that is what she really wants.

 

Thanks again to everyone. Your comments really helped me sort this out.

[81West]

I understand where you're coming from LakesideDream, and agree that it should be terribly difficult, if not impossible, to turn your back on someone to whom you were once close in this circumstance. But in this case, it's the price of a failed affair that has to be born by both parties. She must never ask, and if she does, he must suffer the guilt of never being able to agree because his past decisions attach an unreasonable cost to his family for reopening communication for any reason.

 

I've profoundly suffered and resuffered the loss of my MM and the friendship I thought I'd have for a lifetime a thousand times over in ways too many to list. I will for my whole life. I don't get to innocently share happy things or sad things or funny things only he could appreciate, because I had an affair with him. For the same reason I don't get to ask for money or advice or help, all things I've needed in the years that have passed. All I get to do is stay away, and sometimes it kills me, but it's the price I know I have to pay. In my view, she should know that too, and there is always, by necessity, another way.

[herenow]

She can find her next MM to keep her warm.

 

You never know, but my hope for her is that she will (or already has) found someone that she can share her time with who is available to share his time with her.

 

If she does enter into another relationship with a MM, all I can say is she didn't learn from her experience with my H and there is nothing I (or anyone) can do to save her from her own choices. Unless she gets all she needs when she is involved with a MM. In that case, who am I to tell her to live her life any differently?

 

However, she cant expect my H to lie for her or help her when she asks him to hide the truth from me. He no longer wants to live that life. We both (my H and I) left that type of behavior behind a long time ago. She obviously doesn't believe what he told her over two years ago. That is why we need to ignore her letter.

[LakesideDream]

Herenow, I understand the dynamics, I read and re-read the thread to make sure I wasn't missing anything.

 

I can only surmise that my attitude is born of a longer life, and a lack of vulnerability. I have had numerous friends, and even lovers met since my divorce ask for a helping hand. I have never been unable to lend some assistance. I admit I wasn't worried about relationship dynamics at the times, I was also in the position to just give the assistance without expecting anything in return. I don't "loan" money or things. I just give it as a gift, or I don't.

 

Your position is certainly reasonable for you. I agree that the exOW going behind you back was a bad move. I wouldn't critisize you personally whatever you do. I was and am reacting more to some of the other posters who have so little compassion. We will see more of this as our economic system continues to undergo the change to Socialism. Many people will be caught in between. I hope I can avoid it personally, for at least the next few years.

 

I do like the PetSmart kitty card. If I knew who and where she was, I'd send her one!

[White Flower]

Herenow, I understand the dynamics, I read and re-read the thread to make sure I wasn't missing anything.

 

I can only surmise that my attitude is born of a longer life, and a lack of vulnerability. I have had numerous friends, and even lovers met since my divorce ask for a helping hand. I have never been unable to lend some assistance. I admit I wasn't worried about relationship dynamics at the times, I was also in the position to just give the assistance without expecting anything in return. I don't "loan" money or things. I just give it as a gift, or I don't.

 

Your position is certainly reasonable for you. I agree that the exOW going behind you back was a bad move. I wouldn't critisize you personally whatever you do. I was and am reacting more to some of the other posters who have so little compassion. We will see more of this as our economic system continues to undergo the change to Socialism. Many people will be caught in between. I hope I can avoid it personally, for at least the next few years.

 

I do like the PetSmart kitty card. If I knew who and where she was, I'd send her one!

You have a big heart for kitties as well as humans. I'm proud to call you friend.

[wildsoul]

You have a big heart for kitties as well as humans. I'm proud to call you friend.

I second that!

[Owl]

I would have to bet that all this business about her kitty is a manipulative attempt to garner sympathy.

 

EXACTLY.

 

If she's so broke that she can't feed her cats...then what she REALLY needs to be doing is seeking new homes for the poor felines rather than using this as an excuse to contact HN's husband.

 

That's all this is...an excuse to contact her old MM. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I'd suggest that you do some internet research, and find a no-kill shelter in her area and get the address and phone number sent over to her.

 

Don't finance and reinforce her attempts at contacting your husband.

[torranceshipman]

I think that this woman will stay frozen in history to you and your M as 'the OM' but her life may have moved on 100% since those 2 yrs, with a thousand other things that define her. She may subsequently have no interest in your H these days, other than the idea of him as a last ditch connection from the past, who might be a soft touch enough to help her if she's hit baaaad financial times....always understandable to be very cautious though, asthis is of course your M that you are protecting...

 

I'd still just completely ignore the communication though...

[complicatedlife]

Wow, that's cold. Where I live, if you don't have a job... you are poop out of luck, even walmart is cutting hours. And on the kitty subject, I clearly remember some 35+ years ago when I opened my last can of Campbells potato soup and shared it with my kitty.... luckily that was the worst of it, things started getting better soon. Sometimes a kitty (or a dog if you are so inclined) can become your lifeline to sanity... (thank you Mr. Kitty, RIP).

 

So cold people, so cold. I'm proud that I am not like that.

 

....because this SO resonates with me.

 

While the exOW is clearly out of line to ask that HereNow not be told, if I were HN, I would have definitely sent her some sort of grocery store gift card with maybe $30 or so on it for groceries (I'd hate to know someone was hungry), a PetSmart card for her cats for some kitty food, a list of local animal shelters, a list of career sites that she may or may not be aware of, and a firm letter that she should refrain from contacting either one of us ever again. She'd probably be so embarrassed by these actions, she'd never contact my H again. My conscience would kill me at night to do otherwise; I just cannot turn my back on someone in need, no matter who they are (the exception being an alcoholic, thief, drug abuser, etc.).