Author herenow Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 ....because this SO resonates with me. While the exOW is clearly out of line to ask that HereNow not be told, if I were HN, I would have definitely sent her some sort of grocery store gift card with maybe $30 or so on it for groceries (I'd hate to know someone was hungry), a PetSmart card for her cats for some kitty food, a list of local animal shelters, a list of career sites that she may or may not be aware of, and a firm letter that she should refrain from contacting either one of us ever again. She'd probably be so embarrassed by these actions, she'd never contact my H again. My conscience would kill me at night to do otherwise; I just cannot turn my back on someone in need, no matter who they are (the exception being an alcoholic, thief, drug abuser, etc.). Well, my conscience did bother me, so I did a bit of checking. We all (H, OW and myself) work in the same industry so it wasn't hard to check on her story. I hire people who do what she does so it only took a couple of calls to get some info. I found out that she has been working on and off this whole time. And, she has been turning down work when she dosn't like the hours or the pay. So, I'm sure she can feed her cats. Fact is, she isn't willing to work for less than her usual rate. There is work out there, but many young people do what she does. Her job doesn't require a degree or much training but she has been doing it for so long, she has been able to rise to the top of the pay scale for what she does. She even said in her letter that many young people are doing her job for less money. So, she would rather ask my H for help than lower her rate. There are so many people that I know that have been laid off from work with no where to turn. I would rather help them than help someone who asks my H to lie to me because she is too good to work for the same pay as someone with less experience. That is pretty much what s going on here and I no longer feel even remotely sorry for her. IMO, she should take whatever job she is offered. If I needed money to feed my family and pets, I'd wash floors if I had to. She is lucky she is still being offered jobs. If she is too proud to work for less, then why isn't she too proud to ask my H for help and to do it behind my back? The more I learn, the more I think this is just a way to get back in touch with my H. There is no reason that she can't get a job. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 The more I learn, the more I think this is just a way to get back in touch with my H. There is no reason that she can't get a job. I believe this too. Honestly, if it was really about the money then she shouldn't have had any reason to ask him to hide it from you. Ofcourse she was fishing and hoping he'd take the bait. I agree too, that if someone is in dire need of cash and can barely scrape together money to go buy cat food, then ANY paying job wouldn't have been turned down. Knowing this now since you did look into it, I'm glad that you both decided to ignore her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Even knowing everything, sending a gift card for the cat sends a message Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I would send her a bag of catfood....... * ducks all the rocks being thown " Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I would send her a bag of catfood....... <ducks all the rocks being thown> LOL, too funny. Herenow, I'm glad you checked into her work history and now you are sure of your hunches. At least you did that and can be sure she is not really starving. She is in no place to be finicky right now due to this economy and you make a good point that she seems to be too good to take work yet not too proud to ask your H behind your back. You've won me over, good job. Notice my refernce to kitties? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I would send her a bag of catfood....... * ducks all the rocks being thown " I have to honestly say I feel for the cat. The shelters here are getting 150 animals a DAY ! ( from economic fall outs ) So taking her feline to the shelter might just get it euthanized. Its a good idea to send kitty food because the lady isn't going to be eating the catfood. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I was SO pleased you took the high road and ignored her letter, especially because it would have been tempting to send her some cat food money. That really couldnt be done because getting food money instead of a job would have been taken as condescending. In light of her employment status being completely optional for her... I would now be tempted to pelt her with Alley Cat . Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 getting food money instead of a job would have been taken as condescending. Now, that's a message I could approve Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 So basically she lied about her situation. It makes it seem like she might have been getting extra money while in the A. Glad you ignored her. I don't know what she was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 2, 2009 Author Share Posted July 2, 2009 So basically she lied about her situation. It makes it seem like she might have been getting extra money while in the A. Glad you ignored her. I don't know what she was thinking. During the A, my H would hire her and pay her even when she wasn't needed. So, I guess that would be giving her extra money. In these times, even if he wanted to hire her, there is no job for her and no extra income to cover any unnecessary expenses. Point is, she has to work just like anyone else. Even if she doesn't like the hours or the pay, she should (IMO) take the work she can get to make ends meet. That is what everyone else is doing. Why is she better than the rest of us? She is looking for an easy way to fix her problems and thinks my H will come to her rescue. She obviously didn't take anything he said seriously about NC. She still thinks he would lie to me and hasn't faced the reality that he isn't interested in any type of relationship with her. Any response to her letter would welcome her back into our lives and that isn't an option for me or my H. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 I think the idea that she was contacting your H for financial help needs to be dropped, its quite obvious from everything you've said she wasn't contacting him to get a hand out, she wrote the letter to try to re-establish a relationship with him. She's had a couple of years (I think its been that long since the affair was finished?) of dating but obviously with no commitment and she's feeling desperate, she's probably written to all her exes playing the helpless card. I liked the idea of you writing to her, and I still think its a good one. However, I've said before - when one is unsure of what to do, its often best to do nothing - and so I think you've been right to ignore her. I hope she gets the message; raking unpleasant memories up can be stressful. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Have you two talked about what you'll do if she tries to contact him again? Anyway, I hope that she gets the hint and doesn't try again. You both have handled this really well! Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 If you really think that she had another MO I think you should respond. Just to let her know that you got the letter and you are onto her. my H has shared your letter with me. We are sorry you are having problem in the current economic climate. We are not in a position to assist you but wish you the best of luck with your job search. Finally we would appreciate it if you would respect our request that you have no further contact of any kind with either of us in the future. This way she knows that you know. You are not being confrontational but you get your point across. Would be useful if he signs it too. However the problem as I mentioned on another thread is that everyone interprets everything the way that they want to. Maybe no answer is best because it gives her nothing to respond to and nothring to analyze. If you respond she can (if she wants to) tell herself that he was forced to share it with you and he doesnt share your views, this is all you. Even if he responded, she could if she wanted to, view it as something written to appease you. People tend to read meaning that may or may not be there on all sides of the triangle. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 People tend to read meaning that may or may not be there on all sides of the triangle. Tell me about it!!! He could write it and say, 'My DW suggested this or that. I am completely transparent with her now so please do not think I would protect your actions nor your motives by coming to me secretly. She could have written you this letter but I made the mess and I need to clean it up.' Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Hey AR --- how are you holding up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author herenow Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 People tend to read meaning that may or may not be there on all sides of the triangle. So true which is another reason no response is the best way to go. She didn't understand what NC meant before and she won't now. Any answer to her letter might be misunderstood. To ignore the letter shows that we understand that NC means NC no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I agree. NC is NC! Link to post Share on other sites
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