Unknown anger towards lover

[Mirkwood]

Here's the background info: I lost my mother 15 years ago. My dad remarried to an evil witch who verbally abused my siblins and I. My dad separated from her three years ago and is in the process of divorce right now. I got into a bad relationship last november with a girl that had me convinced that I should give her a chance. She ended up manipulating me, lying to me, and even tried to convince me that she was pregnant (lost my virginity to her). A month after I broke up with her I met a new girl. We started dating and a month after we met we decided to become exclusive. We both fell in love with eachother very quickly. Our relationship has been wonderful so far (2 and a half months being exclusive). It's as if we are soul mates. Last month we decided to take it to a new step sexually. We got tested for diseases. We found out our results last week, which were all good. The night before we found them out we were both scared (both of us get paranoid a lot about stupid things). And a couple days before that I heard my ex girlfriend's voice on the phone in the background while talking to a friend of mine (who happens to be her friend, too). When I heard that I got angry, very angry. But I kept it inside. Also, around this time I found out my former step mother was pulling stuff on my dad in the divorce trial, which also angered me. So with these things going on, I had a cluttered mind leading up to that night we got our good results back.

 

That same night we got our results back we had sex. It was special because we actually made love, not just "had sex." She actually lost her virginity to me. The next day I was intensely angry at her and I didn't know why. I was angry at everyone. I was scared, because I never get angry. I have the repuation of being a nice guy. It scared me so much that I was just imagining what if I flew off the handle at her or anybody else because of pent up anger. I KNOW if would NEVER hurt anyone, but it's still a scary thought. Since then it has gotten somewhat better... we've had really close moments of complete love just laying next to eachother. And more sex. We had a really really close moment three days ago. THe next day my anger returned back to last week's level, but then it started going away. Right now it's still there a bit, definitely improving. I personally think that I am scared of the closeness and love, and my anger is a built in defense mechanism. What do you all think? And how do I get rid of this problem. I personally think that we are soul mates, and right now being 23, I hope it goes to marriage. For that to happen, I need to correct this problem. Please help.

[Tony T]

You must see an excellent psychologist to work through a lot of very deep anger problems and issues from your childhood. Certain current events cause that anger to surface. As a child you repressed your anger instead of expressing it so now it's really trying to come out. Your father or stepmother probably punished you severely if you expressed anger so you had to suppress it. IT IS STILL THERE!!!

 

You are very angry at your mother for dying on you when you were at a very young age. You repressed that because you felt it wasn't nice to be angry at your beloved mother...but as a young boy you were really pissed that she left you (in my opinion.)

 

You are angry at your father for marrying the evil witch stepmother that abused you and not doing anything about the abuse. You are angry at the evil witch for abusing you and your siblings. As a child, you stayed hurt, depressed and angry most of the time and you repressed those emotions.

 

There are many critical issues which you will have to deal with in the presence of a competent therapist. If you cannot afford one, call a university nearby that has a psychology department. They usually offer clinical services and charge according to your ability to pay. If that is not possible, read some good books on co-dependency and processing anger.

 

Until you get help for yourself, any intimate relationship you enter will bring up these feelings of anger. It has nothing to do with the person...only that they represent certain circumstances or encounters in the past that are cues for your subconscious to bring forth the repressed anger.

 

I don't mean to get too technical here and I won't. But since am concerned about your happiness and I do want you to have a fulfilling life ahead, I hope you will try to understand what I have said here in abbreviated form and proceed to get more information on your own. Don't expect to get better right away. Resolving anger issues of the past involves acknowledging them, processing them, going through that anger once again from an adult perspective, FORGIVING your mother for leaving you, forgiving your father for marrying the witch, forgiving the evil witch, forgiving other adults who did not nurture you or listen to you, forgiving life for taking away from you what would have been a normal childhood and resolving any anger issues you may have with God or the Universe for putting you through all of this.

 

You said you were surprised at the anger and didn't know where it was coming from. Well, now maybe you may have some hints. Yes, there is also fear involved. Because your mother died when you were young, you probably have intimacy issues because you hve the subconscious fear that others that you may love will likewise abandon you, either in death or otherwise. The closer you get to any lady, the more fear you will experience and the more generalize anger you will feel. I know this sounds spooky but trust me, a good therapist will help pull you right out of this. Just be patient with yourself.

 

You probably suffer from some level of depression as well, which usually occurs when anger is repressed. Many psychologists define depression as anger turned inward.

 

My guess is that you went through absolute hell after your mother's death and this has affected your entire life until now.

 

It will take a while and you must work on yourself before you can expect to have a truly fulfilling relationship. Once you begin your journey, you will be delighted with the transformation of your entire life.

 

All good wishes in your coming journey!!!

[C.]

I know how you feel, exactly. Which is why, I suppose, I chose to study psychology. Everyone in this field has some internal issue...

 

Anyways, let me say first off that since you recognize the problem, intellectulize it and feel that the situation is improving, it's not necessarily necessary for you to see a psychologist. Sometimes, when situational problems arise, we can wade through them with the help of friends and family.

 

Although the points Tony made are good, there could be other explanations for your reactions. My pattern was exactly like yours, two years ago, except for the step-mom thing. My mother was verbally and physically abusive, I had the traumatic relationship with the manipulative person, then I fell in love VERY quickly with a new lover. I'm about 10 months past you, though, and happily engaged.

 

For me, the problem went away on it's own, but that's because I understood it. First of all, talk to your lover about the issue. It's important for you and her to understand your feelings and motivations.

 

We are presented with life as a series of events that unfold. Some events are negative, others positive. But unfortunately, effects last longer than the event itself.

 

For people who've expeienced a lot of emotional trauma, there is something called "existential bitterness". A sort of generalized angry bitterness that arises occassionally, often triggered by important life events like this.

 

I still ge angry, but I hve discussed this with my fiance. He's a wonderfully understanding man, so when I get like that I take some time by myself, write out my feelings, maybe go for a run or work out.

 

I see a lot of people whocome to counselors for answers. They want someone to fix them. We can't fix people, we can only show them how to fix themselves. What many don't realize is that emotions are like the ocean, with waves, tides, violent storms and calms. You learn how to cope with the movement of the ocean, if you're otherwise psychologically stable. Granted, those with severe mood disorders often find themselves lost at sea. But I think that you have learned adequate coping mechanisms. As far as I can see, you respond to love in a healthy way, but perhaps the closeness triggers anger and anxiety in you because you have been betrayed in almost every closely-bonded relationship you've had (father, mother, step-mom, ex).

 

But with time, you'll learn to trust as your new lover and you share that close bond. In the meantime, try to understand yourself. Take alone-time when you get angry, physicaly work out that extra energy. write it out. Live. Be happy. Don't dwell on the past.

[Mirkwood]

Thank you both for your help. Both of you were very close to describing how I feel. The only major point that was wrong was my state of happiness. I am definitely NOT depressed. I've never been depressed in my lifetime. Overall, in my life, I've been a happy person. It's just this problem that is bringing me down for this short duration of time. My girlfriend and I have discussed everything extensively over the weekend. Being the incredible person that she is, she's going to help me work through this. I'm a strong person - just not strong enough to keep in pain without properly getting over it for 15 years... I guess nobody can be that strong. I'm going to buy books to help me learn how to LET GO of past hurts and deal with inner anger. After looking inside myself, I know why I feel the way I do. It's Fear... fear that this new female figure in my life (who I am very much in love with) will abandon and/or hurt me like others have. Fear causes anger, which is a defense mechanism that has nothing to do with my girlfriend directly. She's not the cause; she's just the trigger. I know it will be difficult to get through this, but I KNOW I will. I don't like anger, and I definitely don't Want it. I want complete happiness. I want a lot out of life. To achieve all that I desire, I have to deal with this. And I will. Thanks guys. One last thing, any reccommended books on this subject would be very much appreciated.