6 Months Later - What do do

[screwedup&regretful]

Greetings all,

 

I have posted a # of times on my situation, so if background info helps set context of my current situation, please check my other posts.

 

The jist of it all is that we have been apart for almost 6 months after my breaking things off abruptly without any demise in our relationship. I know that she was deeply hurt by this and went no contact with me. I tried for a month to get her to hear me out, apologize, give us another chance to no avail.

 

I tried to call her once in April, she answered the phone and told me she never wanted to speak to me again.

 

Last week, I saw her in public. She bolted after seeing me.

 

Two days later, she called a mutual friend. Poured her heart out, said that she still loves me and misses me deeply. BUT...she said she feels as though we just weren't "meant to be" and that she still believes she can never be with me again or speak to/see me.

 

Up until now, it was only speculation that she still loves me. Now I know it.

 

What can a guy do to show her that the mistake I made does not have to mean the end? That another chance for us, I believe, WILL be what we have both looked for our whole lives and that the time we were together (which was amazing and great for BOTH of us) can be a forever thing.

 

I don't need to get her to fall in love with me again, she already is in love with. I don't ned to get her to miss me, she already does. She hasn't been with anyone since we split and neither have I. What can I do?

 

Please help and if you are going to say "move on" or "get over it", please don't post.

[miss_28]

as someone who's experienced the other side of this, i can safely say she doesn't trust you not to hurt her again. Think of it this way, you dumped her when she was least expecting it, when things were good and everyone was/seemed happy, when she felt safe (i.e. vunerable). Missing and loving someone are not enough, if she doesn't trust you, she won't want to be with you. I'm still hurt and angry at my ex for dumping me in the same fashion ... the same day that he was so affectionate and warm and happy he dumped me - it felt like being hit by a Mac truck. I cut all ties immediately with him that very night, and told him never to contact me again and to forget i existed. I threw everything he gave me away and erased every message, letter, etc. I cried for a long time. I know our mutual friends told him to leave me alone, that I don't want to hear from him. Truth is, if he was truly sorry, if he truly wanted me back, he'd have to move a mountain to get me to trust his word ever again (with actions, not words) - and even then I don't know if I'd trust him. So for me, I'd rather meet someone new who hasn't hurt me and start fresh. Maybe all you need is time, even if you were to get back together, it's too soon, let the pain fade before you do anything.

 

Remember, broken trust doesn't only come from someone cheating on you, it can also come from whenever you let someone down and hurt them, even though you don't want to. Dumping someone when everything seems fine is a shock to the system for the person being dumped. Keep that in mind.

[CaliGuy]

I tried to call her once in April, she answered the phone and told me she never wanted to speak to me again.

 

Last week, I saw her in public. She bolted after seeing me.

 

Two days later, she called a mutual friend. Poured her heart out, said that she still loves me and misses me deeply. BUT...she said she feels as though we just weren't "meant to be" and that she still believes she can never be with me again or speak to/see me.

 

The three statements above are very clear. She doesn't want to be with you. Why aren't you respecting her wishes? Because you think you know better than she does?

 

Up until now, it was only speculation that she still loves me. Now I know it.

 

Yes, she loves you. She said so. But she did not say she was IN love with you nor has she even hinted she wants to get back with you. In fact, she's been very adamant about NOT wanting to be with you.

 

I'd say she's being very clear.

 

What can a guy do to show her that the mistake I made does not have to mean the end?

 

It takes two people to make a relationship. If one of them does not want the relationship then you have NO relationship whatsoever.

 

You can not "show" her anything. Her mind has to change on it's own and as I told you in your other, similar thread, you can not MAKE someone love you.

 

All you are doing by pursuing her in this way is pushing her away for good.

[screwedup&regretful]

CaliGuy,

 

Thanks and you are right about her messages; they are pretty clear. I am not pursuing her, though. I tried early in January as I mentioned and she drew the line. I tried NC for 8 weeks and then made a call, at which point she reiterated "the line" and have had NC since. There is no pursuit outside of what is going on in my mind, my heart, my head, so I'm not doing any pushing at all.

[Nuala83]

The three statements above are very clear. She doesn't want to be with you. Why aren't you respecting her wishes? Because you think you know better than she does?

 

Yes, she loves you. She said so. But she did not say she was IN love with you nor has she even hinted she wants to get back with you. In fact, she's been very adamant about NOT wanting to be with you.

 

I'd say she's being very clear.

 

It takes two people to make a relationship. If one of them does not want the relationship then you have NO relationship whatsoever.

 

You can not "show" her anything. Her mind has to change on it's own and as I told you in your other, similar thread, you can not MAKE someone love you.

 

All you are doing by pursuing her in this way is pushing her away for good.

 

Ignore all the b**sh*t above. You dumped her She lost trust and rightly so! It's up to YOU to pursue her, NOT the other way around. Her mind wont just change on it's own...I mean seriously, wft?!

 

She already spilled her heart out to someone that she loves you. She bolts when she sees you (not the actions of someone who's over a broken heart). Can the signs be any clearer????

 

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to be with right now. Having been on the receiving end of something similar, I can tell you that if my ex suddenly said, "hey Nuala I know I dumped you out of the blue and barely contacted you in 3 months but I've had a change of heart, let's try again", I'd be thinking he's got some f***ing nerve. He'd have a lot of groundwork to do before I could even consider taking him back. The idea that he would ask for another go, I would refuse him, then it'd be up for me to change my mind on my own is insane.

 

I believe CG has given advice to others in the past along the lines of 'if an ex wants you back they'll be beating down your door to make it happen' or something to that effect.

 

PURSUE!

 

It might not work but hey, you did break her heart.

[screwedup&regretful]

Nuala,

 

How should I proceed, IYO?

[Nuala83]

I just read your first post. So this is the second time you've pulled away from her abruptly, am I right?

 

Well what have you done up to this point to get her to forgive you?

 

You've also only tried to reconcile once in the past 4.5 months, is that also true?

[playlislay]

Ignore all the b**sh*t above. You dumped her She lost trust and rightly so! It's up to YOU to pursue her, NOT the other way around. Her mind wont just change on it's own...I mean seriously, wft?!

 

She already spilled her heart out to someone that she loves you. She bolts when she sees you (not the actions of someone who's over a broken heart). Can the signs be any clearer????

 

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to be with right now. Having been on the receiving end of something similar, I can tell you that if my ex suddenly said, "hey Nuala I know I dumped you out of the blue and barely contacted you in 3 months but I've had a change of heart, let's try again", I'd be thinking he's got some f***ing nerve. He'd have a lot of groundwork to do before I could even consider taking him back. The idea that he would ask for another go, I would refuse him, then it'd be up for me to change my mind on my own is insane.

 

I believe CG has given advice to others in the past along the lines of 'if an ex wants you back they'll be beating down your door to make it happen' or something to that effect.

 

PURSUE!

 

It might not work but hey, you did break her heart.

 

Go Nuala83, its not your birthday, you do it anyway, uh huh.....lol!

 

I agree, you were in the wrong dude. If you want her back then it is YOU who should be working hard at it. Not her. Some people can become adament about not getting back together because 1) they feel bitter towards your behaviour and your decisions 2) they know that it will not work in the long run.

 

If cheating was involved on your side (havent read your story, sorry) then I would stay the hell away. It doesnt do anyone any good to be with someone that cheated, especially if they truly loved that person and believed them when they said that they loved them back. I speak from experience. The trust will always be gone-if someone can cheat when you are "in love" then who is to say that they wouldnt in ten years time when the novelty has worn off and they are seen as nothing but a nagging wife. Sounds negative but that is what I believe. It kills to know that you could lose someone that you love so much, its terrifying.

 

Caliguy does speak some truth when he says that she didnt say that she wanted to be back with you. Buuuuut, I think people, especially women, can be won over if their night in shining armour comes to rescue them. It sounds pathetic but it has worked with me and some of my other friends/associates. Word of warning-DONT buy her stupidly expensive gifts as they will get chucked up in your face-been there, done that, got the 'youre trying to buy me out of guilt' print t-shirt. If you are going to go up the romantic gift path, which may not be advisable, try something that would mean alot to her, something personal or something that relates to you two. A cd with some of 'your' songs? Her favorite chocolate bar? Tickets to see her favorite band-for two-without the expectation that you are going to be the person that she wants to take.

I tried buying my ex a blackberry-NOT for the fact that it was expensive (long story), but to imply that I could trust him as I had denied him of a hand-held internet thingy magig. Didnt work as stated above-DAMN i should have made that CD.

 

Good luck dude, I know it may be a confusing time for you both, try going for a coffee and see where that goes? Worth a shot!

[screwedup&regretful]

I probably haven't done anything GREAT, but after our last split, 2 weeks went by and I sent her a long apology letter. She didn't respond, but had a friend call and tell me to leave her alone she was "picking up the pieces & moving on". The friend and I corresponded for a few days in a back and forth sort of way, but I decided that talking to her was for naught.

 

So, I called and left a long VM on her cell and told her I knew I had screwed up and wanted a chance to make it up to her. No answer.

 

The following week I sent flowers and a hand written note of a whole bunch of sentimental things I missed.

Got a call from the friend again telling me to back off.

 

I waited about 2 weeks and dropped a note off to her simply saying "Can we please talk?"

 

She then called me (left a VM) and told me we both had things to work on in our lives for now and she needed me to let her go "for now".

 

So, I did that. I stopped pursuing and that was in February, early in the month.

 

After that VM, she called my sister and told her that I had hurt her badly, said that she missed my family (we were all close to one another's family, kids, etc.) and was crying/sobbing on the phone with my sister.

 

She called me two days later and insisted that I NOT be in contact with her anymore. This was an unprovoked phone call.

 

So, at that point, I DID go NC for 8 weeks. At the 8 week mark, I was talking to someone who told me that they had seen her out with girlfriends a week or so before and that she was still outwardly upset about our breakup, crying in public, being consoled, etc. I tried to call her that night and asked if we could talk and she said that she never wanted to talk. That was the last time we had any sort of voice to voice exchange and that was 1st week of April.

 

Since then, I have done nothing simply because she has said she wanted me to stop trying to pursue her and I don't want to be disrespectful of her.

 

BUT....I don't want her to think I have given up, either, because, despite all of the advice to move on, I won't and can't give up on her.

 

If she told me to move a mountain, I'd die trying. I'm simply not sure what to do next, if anything, if I really want her to know that I believe strongly that she can trust and have faith in me and that we can get beyond the hurt and make a fresh start for us. I truly believe WE can, but only if SHE is willing to try also.

 

Nuala...what would do it for you? How could your ex convince you to give him another chance? When she says she wants to not see or speak to me again EVER, do you believe that she means it?

[CaliGuy]

Ignore all the b**sh*t above. You dumped her She lost trust and rightly so! It's up to YOU to pursue her, NOT the other way around. Her mind wont just change on it's own...I mean seriously, wft?!

 

As I said in his other thread, sometimes dumpees have enough love and respect for themselves that they will NEVER take someone back who broke their heart. He can chase her till the cows come home it may not matter.

 

He has made it clear that he wants to talk and she is making it clear she is not interested. The more he pushes her the more resentment he will cause and she will go from loving him as a person to absolutely despising him.

 

You can only poke and prod someone so much.....

 

She already spilled her heart out to someone that she loves you. She bolts when she sees you (not the actions of someone who's over a broken heart). Can the signs be any clearer????

 

She may indeed love him, but that doesn't mean she will take him back. I love all my exs, but I wouldn't take any of them back. I don't want to go through that crap again. Besides, if they take you for granted once, they'll do it again. Who's to say that the second time around will be any better?

 

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to be with right now. Having been on the receiving end of something similar, I can tell you that if my ex suddenly said, "hey Nuala I know I dumped you out of the blue and barely contacted you in 3 months but I've had a change of heart, let's try again", I'd be thinking he's got some f***ing nerve. He'd have a lot of groundwork to do before I could even consider taking him back. The idea that he would ask for another go, I would refuse him, then it'd be up for me to change my mind on my own is insane.

 

That happens more often than you realize.

 

I believe CG has given advice to others in the past along the lines of 'if an ex wants you back they'll be beating down your door to make it happen' or something to that effect.

 

PURSUE!

 

It might not work but hey, you did break her heart.

 

Therein lies the problem. If her heart was truly broken badly, I don't think there is anything he can say or do to get her back.

 

I would put in a last ditch effort. Write her a letter expressing remorse (I'm sorry, I really messed up, I don't know what I was thinking, I would like another chance to repair the damage, etc). Then leave it at that. She'll have the letter, will probably read it many times. If her heart is going to change, it will be over much thought (read: time) over the letter with a lot of space mixed in.

 

Yes, I know I have said PURSUE. Tell her you screwed up and made a mistake. Apologize, express remorse and lay it on the line. But after that, I say leave them the hell alone to their own devices to make up their mind.

 

I've said it a million times. You can not MAKE someone fall back into love with you. They can love you and NOT want to be with you. That happens all the freaking time. Anyone who has dumped me I know for a fact they still love me. They are just not IN love with me (ok in fairness it's been two women my entire lifetime).

 

Pursue however you want to, OP but you need to draw the line somewhere.

[CaliGuy]

I probably haven't done anything GREAT, but after our last split, 2 weeks went by and I sent her a long apology letter. She didn't respond, but had a friend call and tell me to leave her alone she was "picking up the pieces & moving on". The friend and I corresponded for a few days in a back and forth sort of way, but I decided that talking to her was for naught.

 

So, I called and left a long VM on her cell and told her I knew I had screwed up and wanted a chance to make it up to her. No answer.

 

The following week I sent flowers and a hand written note of a whole bunch of sentimental things I missed.

Got a call from the friend again telling me to back off.

 

I waited about 2 weeks and dropped a note off to her simply saying "Can we please talk?"

 

She then called me (left a VM) and told me we both had things to work on in our lives for now and she needed me to let her go "for now".

 

So, I did that. I stopped pursuing and that was in February, early in the month.

 

After that VM, she called my sister and told her that I had hurt her badly, said that she missed my family (we were all close to one another's family, kids, etc.) and was crying/sobbing on the phone with my sister.

 

She called me two days later and insisted that I NOT be in contact with her anymore. This was an unprovoked phone call.

 

So, at that point, I DID go NC for 8 weeks. At the 8 week mark, I was talking to someone who told me that they had seen her out with girlfriends a week or so before and that she was still outwardly upset about our breakup, crying in public, being consoled, etc. I tried to call her that night and asked if we could talk and she said that she never wanted to talk. That was the last time we had any sort of voice to voice exchange and that was 1st week of April.

 

Since then, I have done nothing simply because she has said she wanted me to stop trying to pursue her and I don't want to be disrespectful of her.

 

BUT....I don't want her to think I have given up, either, because, despite all of the advice to move on, I won't and can't give up on her.

 

If she told me to move a mountain, I'd die trying. I'm simply not sure what to do next, if anything, if I really want her to know that I believe strongly that she can trust and have faith in me and that we can get beyond the hurt and make a fresh start for us. I truly believe WE can, but only if SHE is willing to try also.

 

Nuala...what would do it for you? How could your ex convince you to give him another chance? When she says she wants to not see or speak to me again EVER, do you believe that she means it?

 

Aye carumba.

 

Dude, I am going to tell you in plain English what is going on here.

 

You broke her heart, BADLY.

She has not forgiven you.

She wants you to leave her alone so she can HEAL.

She wants you to go NC with her.

 

You OWE it to her to leave her alone and let her grieve and heal. She is asking for NC because she wants the time and space she needs to heal.

 

YOUR PROBLEM is you will not respect her wishes. And you know what? It isn't proving to her you love her. On the contrary, it's proving to her that you are selfish and disrespectful.

 

I'm going to step off this thread. Everything I highlighted in bold is the damn sledgehammer upside your head that should tell you to back the hell off and leave her alone.

 

You HAVE beaten her door down and she's not answering. If that isn't clear enough for you, nothing anyone says to you here will matter. It seems, like most other LS newbies, that you are posting looking for people to agree with you and give you the magic answer to your problem.

 

There is no magic wand that will fix this. All you have to go on is what she is telling you and what she is telling you is not cryptic or in a foreign language.

 

She wants you to leave her alone and give her space and you are not respecting her wishes.

 

If you want to make sure you never talk to her again, keep pursing her..... (next thing will be the restraining order...)

[screwedup&regretful]

CG,

 

What part of "I haven't been in contact with her AT ALL in 10 weeks" do you not understand? I am looking for signs, yes, but I am not hounding this person. It is out of absolute respect, admiration and love that I have NOT been in pursuit as some have suggested. Timing is everything and how I play my cards will spell success or doom.

 

You keep suggesting that I back off....dude...I am backed off. One brief phonecall in 18 weeks is not at all smothering and disrespectul.

[Nuala83]

As I said in his other thread, sometimes dumpees have enough love and respect for themselves that they will NEVER take someone back who broke their heart. He can chase her till the cows come home it may not matter.

 

1. He has not chased her till the cows come home.

 

He has made it clear that he wants to talk and she is making it clear she is not interested. The more he pushes her the more resentment he will cause and she will go from loving him as a person to absolutely despising him.

 

2. He did this in the immediate post breakup phase when she was quite righty so very upset and needed to protect herself.

 

 

If her heart was truly broken badly, I don't think there is anything he can say or do to get her back.

 

I would imagine that in most cases when a breakup occurs at least one party is completely heartbroken...yet people get back together. Even after the most horrendous breakups such as where there's been infidelity.

 

 

I've said it a million times. You can not MAKE someone fall back into love with you.

 

Hey, nobody's holding a gun to anyones head and saying "you WILL love me!"

 

You can't make someone love you but people do not fall in love by sitting around twiddling their thumbs.

 

 

He's not pushing and hounding her. He's admitted he was the one in the wrong and he regrets his decision to end things. Very honest of him. Now it sounds like he's trying to figure out wat his next step should be. I do agree on one thing you've said CG and that is that if it is to happen it will take time.

[Nuala83]

 

Nuala...what would do it for you? How could your ex convince you to give him another chance? When she says she wants to not see or speak to me again EVER, do you believe that she means it?

 

S,

 

I'm not sure how to answer that at the moment because although I'm feeling better than I did 3.5 months ago, there's still some bitter feelings. I know one thing though and that is that he would have to be pursuing me (pursuing and not harassing) and things would need to be built up slowly, but even then I cannot say whether I'd forgive him or not. I honestly don't know how I'd feel because it hasn't happened.

 

Might be an idea to post that kinda question on a new thread where the 'dumped' can reply. It'd be interesting to know how other women reply

 

Does she never want to speak to you again? That depends what you did. She's obviously not over you though so that's a good sign that bridges can be built....maybe.

[LisaUk]

Send her a letter handwritten through the mail, NOT e-mail, saying how sorry you are for the way you treated her, do not try and justify your behaviour you need to except all blame even if it wasn't all your fault. (So don't say I'm sorry that I dropped you without warning or explanation BUT I was feeling x). Tell her that you know it made her feel hurt and uncared for etc and that you were feeling x but you know there is no excuse for your behaviour and you should have tried harder, tell her you feel like you have lost the most important and wonderful person you have ever had in your life and you know you only have yourself to blame. Tell her you understand completely why she would not be willing to give you a sacond chance, but you respectfully ask if she could find it in her heart to work things out with you and try again, as you feel you could both have a fantastic future together and regret wasting whta you had.

 

That is all you can do, if she does not respond, I'm sorry but that really is the end.

[phamous]

6 months ago i went through a pretty tough breakup. my ex and i dated for a year and i think we moved too fast. anyway, it was abruptly ended by him.

 

he completely stopped talking to me and then i stopped talking to him. i went about my ways, dated other people, and i found myself making no valuable connections with anyone.

 

a few weeks ago he and i started talking again, on a more regular consistent basis. we both still have feelings for each other, but there's not a real solution at this point. we're just "being friends" as far as i can tell. but, i sense change in him. i've definitely changed. and i can see this because we're spending time with each other again, we're rediscovering.

 

my point is, i understand how you feel. and i definitely understand how she feels. i was hurt too and bad stuff did happen. but because he and i are getting to know each other again, it helps rebuild trust.

 

perhaps you could try this with her, try being her friend again, at least at first. this will allow her to be back in your life and she won't feel threatened. help her remember the good things about you and be a good friend to her. be there when you say you will, be considerate, show her that you're attentive, and BE OPEN: tell her how you feel. if you do this and don't push her, she may come around.

 

and if it doesn't work out the way you want it to, you still have a good friend.

[screwedup&regretful]

Hey Phamous,

 

I would definitely be "just friends" for now. I know some people say that's crazy, but I would try it.

 

The irony is, we were friends for 15 years BEFORE we got involved, simply because neither of us was ever available at the same time. When we were both available, we talked and admitted that we'd always wanted to be more than friends, but never pushed it.

 

Then, we rapidly became much, much more than friends and, as in your case, we may have moved a bit too rapidly which may have contributed to why things ended up (for now) the way they did.

 

Thing is...I don't know if she could go back to being just my friend after all we experienced. As everyone has seen from my posts, I think, right now, she'd probably opt to be on a different planet from me right now if it was possible.

 

I believe strongly that the reason we are not in contact is because the connection between us was incredibly deep and the tendency (for both of us) would be to rapidly rekindle what was there without thinking things through.

 

I feel like that would be good, but I'm sure she has a lot more worry about that (so much so that she is prepared to say NEVER at this point in time) because I was the dumper and she was the unsuspecting dumpee.

 

I wish you luck in your situation and hope, someday, I will be able to post a similar "success story".

[BCCA]

I dont see where youre confused.

 

She told you several times to go away and leave her alone. Why wont you?

 

I dont think anyone here giving you false hopes is doing you any favors, Ive seen nothing youve posted that makes me think shes in any way shape or form interested in talking to you right now. She also hasnt contacted you in 10 weeks, either. Pretty clear.

 

If you like getting turned down over and over, and want to push her away for good, keep going on with this line of thinking. If you want to be smart about it, let it go and move on.

[Nuala83]

Hey Phamous,

 

I would definitely be "just friends" for now. I know some people say that's crazy, but I would try it.

 

The irony is, we were friends for 15 years BEFORE we got involved.

 

I don't think it's crazy. It's not like you went straight from breaking up to being friends. There's been a long break and if you can manage to rekindle the friendship, you might rekindle the love as well. If not, well it'd be such a shame to end a 15 year friendship.

[screwedup&regretful]

She told you several times to go away and leave her alone. Why wont you?

 

If you ...want to push her away for good, keep going on with this line of thinking.

 

Ok, I'm not sure how many times I have to post what my actions have been in the last 10 weeks before one of our relationship EXPERTS actually reads it.

 

I HAVE NOT HAD ANY F***ING CONTACT WITH HER FOR 10 WEEKS.

 

Aside from that, I would be really interested in knowing where you find women who, despite not have any contact, are pushed away because of your "line of thinking".

 

So, the fact that I am thinking about her, regretting my decision to break up with her and trying to think through the best things I could do to make amends....even though those thoughts have not had ANY ACTION associated with them, are in and of themselves pushing her away? I'm sorry but that is one of the stupidest things I have ever seen written.

 

What you are saying is, if I don't stop thinking about her, I will push her away for good?

 

Do me a favor and wherever you see my posts EVER, skip the thread and go somewhere else. I am actually quite tired of people like you who read what they want, claim their own brilliance and having everything figured out and then continue to post the same two sentences in every thread they contribute to.

[Ingenue]

screwedup&regretful,

 

I think you need to remember that any past flame (your ex or otherwise) needs to be in the right mental space to have a reconnection/rekindling of the relationship or friendship. Based on what you've told us, your ex isn't there. She might be in the future; she might not be.

 

But no grand gesture or flowers or letter will have the impact you want until that person is ready, both emotionally and mentally to proceed in that direction. You may apologize and lay your heart out, but put yourself in her shoes. If you were completely hurt, heartbroken, emotionally distraught, do you think receiving a letter would endear you to the letter sender?

 

You may not have contacted her for 10 weeks, but the last time you saw her, she turned the other way and left. That's clearly an indication that 10 weeks of NC with you is not enough on her end. She's not emotionally ready to face you and she's still deeply hurt and unsure of how to process those emotions. I think performing any grand gesture now would have the opposite effect you intend it to have.

 

I know others are encouraging you to write a letter or do something to tell her how you feel. But if I were in your ex's shoes, I think receiving something like that would cause me to be very angry, especially given my attempts to not be in contact.

 

Ultimately you have to decide what you want to do, but based on your descriptions, your ex just isn't in the right mental/head space.