clintsgirl Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Quick background, we have been together for 4 yrs, he has 2 kids, i have 1, we have none together. Our relationship has been far from perfect, but we have always managed to get through our problems. When he does something to make me upset, in his eyes i need to get over it fast, he of course doesnt see this, but thats how it is. When i do something to make him upset/angry he is allowed to hold resentment seems like forever. For the past year our sex life has dwindled down to nothing. I know for a fact he isnt cheating on me, trust me, i know he's not. The first 6 months or so, he used all "reasons" (he doesnt call them excuses), why he was being like this. wasnt in the mood, depressed about lay off of job, had to much to drink, needs to shower, to tired, etc.. I've heard all the advice about depression and losing a job, i do understand it. But to me not even trying and in a way using sex as a weapon, he knows i want it and need it and how upset and hurt i am cause of all of it. Well at the end of the 6 mths we argued, i've cried, he told me it was his problem, and he is going to try to fix it. about a month after that, long story short, i ran a errand for him about 45 mins away, picking up something for him that he wanted, from one of his male best friends. When i got to his friends, he asked if i wanted to run a errand with him, i said sure, i was gone for an extra 35 mins. One reason i didnt want to go right home, cause i was still frustrated and upset about this whole 'non sex". I get home, he goes nuts, i didnt even get it out of my mouth what i did, and he was calling me a liar, a whore, i slept with his friend etc. and since we arent having sex he knows i had it with his friend. Which i didnt, never had cheated on him, and its his best friend, i would never go there. So its been almost 2 months since that has happened. We have had zero sex. Still like always the flirting, smacking of the ass throughout the day. So i'm pissed, hurt, upset, fedup. We have a big talk today. He tells me he loves me and cares about me, but he doesnt trust me. Which is crap cause he knows i'm not on cheating on him. He tells me i'm selfish now, and if i cant deal with his low libido, i need to leave and go find someone else. and if he has sex with me, i'm getting what i want, and he is a sucker. That he is depressed and sad, and he pretty much doesnt want to have sex again till he's ready too. And i either can deal with it or leave. I dont know what to do. I love him, i care about him, but i really dont know how much longer i can deal with this. things arent getting any better, they are getting worse. I feel like a 70 yr old women, stuck in a 29 yr old's body. He used to love making me smile and laugh. Now he tries to convince me i'm crazy and selfish. That everything i do around our house, cook, clean, laundry, grocery, kids etc (he does known of these things) i do these things to make up for my selfishness of wanting sex. I think that is insane! I dont go out at night, i dont hang out with my friends. But now i'm gettin accused of cheating when i go to walmart. Wanna know how i know he isnt cheating on me, well he doesnt leave the computer/tv room, its either the internet, xbox, or tv. And no he isnt secretly talking to a girl online, the porn yes, i knew he liked porn when we first got together, which i never had a problem with it, cause our sex life was normal, now i get upset and pissed. and of course he says its not a problem. I cant take these excuses or reason's anymore!! I dont want to leave, but i'm getting to the point were i have to and i know deep down i deserve better. i will take all the advice anyone has Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 He's controlling and he does use sex as a weapon against you. He's emotionally abusing when he starts degrading you for being selfish and his accusatory tones you cheating on him are all signs of a relationship approaching abuse. You need to get your head together. He's the one with the problems and I don't mean just the sexual ones. Walk away and find someone who won't show their true self as he has shown you. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I'm not knocking you for posting almost exactly the same thing last month, but I'm curious as to what you're hoping to hear now that wasn't addressed then? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Sounds like he's cheating to me. Link to post Share on other sites
optimisticpessimist Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I dated a guy for 3 years and this all sounds VERY familiar. Turns out he was cheating on me. His jealousy was symptomatic of his own guilt and his feelings that is he was cheating maybe I was too. I also found out he had contracted herpes from one of his affairs and from that came the lack of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 AGREED with above posters. When they start accusing you of cheating, it means they are the ones doing it. Been there, done that. I got called a crazy, untrustworthy person while he got to walk around getting his rocks off somewhere else feeling undefeated. Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzled Teddy Bear Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 If you know for sure he's not cheating, he may need to go get checked out. I'm just a guy on the board, and a newbie at that, but it sounds like low testosterone. First, get into an exercise routine for a little while for yourself to relieve some stress and then try a couple times to get him to come with you. It sounds like he he'll probably say no, so make up a low predetermined number of times to ask. After that, keep it up for yourself and anytime he starts making a fuss about it, remind him you gave him a chance and leave the offer open because the idea is to get him exercising so he'll get his hormones on track again. And if he never does it, keep it up so you'll look feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 He tells me i'm selfish now, and if i cant deal with his low libido, i need to leave and go find someone else. and if he has sex with me, i'm getting what i want, and he is a sucker. The bolded statement...uh just sick and twisted. He refuses sexual contact because it would be giving you what you want or NEED? Any man I have ever been with has always wanted to provide what I want or need as it makes them happy to see me happy. You have A LOT missing from this relationship. I am sorry you have settled. He clearly thinks your feelings and needs mean nothing or next to it. I feel like a 70 yr old women, stuck in a 29 yr old's body. He used to love making me smile and laugh. Now he tries to convince me i'm crazy and selfish. That everything i do around our house, cook, clean, laundry, grocery, kids etc (he does known of these things) i do these things to make up for my selfishness of wanting sex. I think that is insane! He isn't making you happy and he is not appreciative of anything you do. I think you are insane if you continue this. Leaving will either allow you to move on and find someone who wants you to be happy and appreciates you ---- OR it will give him a swift kick in the pants and show him how good he's got it and then you can work to rebuild the relationship with respect and WAY different parameters. Either way the move is yours. GET OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
1Angel Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 One of these or combination of a few he's gay, he's cheating, addicted to porn, addicted to alcohol or so depressed it's spilling over into other areas of his life. All of that aside, his accusations of you cheating and controlling behavior though should be a huge red flag you need to get out now sister. Link to post Share on other sites
sunnylu Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 You sound like a really nice girl NOT living the life you deserve. It sounds like you're the breadwinner, maid, caretaker of not only your own child, but two step children, last but not least, emotional punching bag. Yes, he is abusing you............ It surprises me that you even want to have sex with him at this point (he's lucky to have you.....I can't believe he honestly thinks if he has sex with you "you're getting what you want and he's a sucker") . He is probably clinically depressed, out of shape. Might be a good idea to insist that he go to the doctor and get a physical - he needs to tell the doctor about the lack of libido..... After the physical check up....... try to get him into counseling either alone or with you. If he refuses to try....you owe it to yourself to leave. You're only 29..... don't waste your youth on this.........this situation is aging you and probably turning you into somebody you don't even recognize. Good luck to you and I really do hope you find some inspiration to take a step in a production direction. Might want to look for an apartment closer to your job for you and your baby. You deserve to be happy....there are a lot of nice guys out there..... Link to post Share on other sites
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