Wife wants another baby, I don't. I need .

[mard40]

I went through a divorce back in 03 and I have two teenage boys from that first marriage that I have 50% of the time, so they are with me a lot.

 

I remarried two and a half years ago and we have a 2yo daughter. The wife and I don't communicate very well. She tends to hold things in without telling me until she can't take it any more and it explodes out of her in rage.

 

So the other night, I can tell she's mad and somethings bothering her and when I ask her what's wrong she blows up on me... She wants another baby and it is REALLY important to her. She informs me that if I won't have one with her she will leave me and find someone else who will. Needless to say I was very upset by all this. I tell her that was the VERY WORST way she could possibly bring this subject up to me. She says she wanted me to know how serious she is about this.

[mard40]

See she knows that I don't want another child so she was afraid to bring it up, worrying that I would say no, so it just built up inside of her.

 

Her reason's for wanting to have another:

1. She was raised an only child and doesn't want our daughter to not have a sibling close to her age.

 

2. Her biological clock is ticking and she may not have too much longer (she's 37).

 

3. She just seems frantic about this, like she's dealing with hormones, which I totally respect.

 

4. She says things like how can I deny her a baby? and If I really loved her I would do this for her? and If I don't do this for her she will resent me for it forever. and "if I won't have a baby with her I should just let her go, because If I let her go "that would be REAL LOVE"!

 

My reasons for not wanting a baby.

 

1. I'm 40, I already have three kids and the thought of starting over with a new one is really not appealing to me.

 

2. My boys are 16 and 13 and college is looming. So I'm wondering how I'm going to put these two through college and support 2 little ones.

 

3. My oldest son has had emotional problems, been to counseling, been on medication, etc... So I know what kids are like beyond the cute baby stage. It's hard work!

 

4. A new baby would be ready to start college about the time I would like to retire.

 

5. The thing she said about leaving and having a baby by someone else... Although it did get her intended point across about how serious she is, it didn't exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy about the future of our marriage. Can you blame me for being reluctant to make babies having just heard that??? Frankly it makes me wonder about her commitment to me for the long term.

 

6. She's never treated my boys well. She's not mean to them, but she ignores them and doesn't treat them like members of the family, and that really hurts me. She's left me before over the issue of the boys, we've been to counseling about it, etc... Another reason my outlook on the future of the marriage is not rosy.

 

 

So, she's left and is staying with her mom... I've mentioned counselling, but she's not into that. She tells me she's said all she has to say, the ball's in my court!

 

So what do you all think? Am I being selfish? Should I give in to her? Should I agree with the condition that she improve her relationship with my boys? Or is this just doomed? I hate this for my poor little daughter......

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't think you're selfish, but the way she goes about getting her point across isn't what I would consider mature.

 

She seems to have a habit of " whipping" you around. It seems she intends to have things her way or the highway. And she's already demostrated that by running off to your mother- in- laws with the intention of making you feel guilty of not wanting to have a baby.

 

Are you guys still in counseling? She needs to sit down like an adult with you with a mediator in the room ( in case she blows up at you) and calmly have a conversation with you about weighing the pros and cons of having another baby.

[soserious1]

Why on earth did you marry and produce 1 child with a woman who wasn't warm and accepting of your 2 pre-existing children?

 

Your very 1ST obligation is towards those 2 boys, then comes the 2 yr old. Last on the list of obligations is the

abusive shrew you married, I wouldn't have another child with her, I'd get a vasectomy to ensure that it doesn't happen and I'd insist on marriage and family therapy

as a condition of continuing in the marriage at all.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with your outlook on the future of your marriage, I don't think it's very rosy either. This ultimatum business is ridiculous, and personally I'd let her stay at her mother's indefinitely.

 

I'm sorry, Mard.

[mard40]

Why on earth did you marry and produce 1 child with a woman who wasn't warm and accepting of your 2 pre-existing children?

 

I know... You are right. I should have never married anyone who did not LOVE my kids.

[mard40]

Thanks for all the fast replies! I really need it as I am going crazy!

 

I try to explain to her that it's not about me not loving her enough to give her another baby. If I felt confident that this marriage was going to last I would feel ok about another baby. But she can't or won't see that.

 

I'm just not willing to bring another baby into the picture when she refuses to have anything to do with my boys... She doesn't talk to them, include them in anything, talk about them, ask about them, talk about them to our daughter. On days the boys aren't here we are a happy family. On days they are here, she's either at her mom's, at church, or if she is here it is very tense and uncomfortable

 

It puts me in the middle between her and my kids which is a horrible situation. It makes me feel anxious when they are here, like I have to keep them away from her, or keep them quiet, or something. And them I feel guilty like I'm being a bad father for having this person around them that is so openly ambivalent to them! It's really wearing on me and I can't deal with it anymore!

 

Examples... We eat dinner together and for the whole dinner she says NOTHING to them, and them back to her really. They went to Washington DC with their mom for a week. The whole time they are gone she doesn't ask about them once and when they come back, same routine, no talking, doesn't even ask them how their trip was! Her mom asked about them, but not her.

 

I talked to her last night and told her my issue with not wanting another child really hinged on her relationship with the boys... She went ballistic again yelling that it was all their, and my fault, how they hate her, and their mom hates her, and they never praised her lasagna from back when we were dating, etc...

 

So I said, "that's it? You're not going to try and your relationship with the kids will never get any better?" And before she hung up on me she said, "No Mike, it will not, I'm done with that".

 

So, this is really awful, but how can I with any conscience stay with this person? I have to put my kids first right?

[Thornton]

I can sort of understand how your wife feels... you gave your ex two kids, but you can't give her two kids? She probably feels like you're prioritising your two boys' college education above her desire for another baby, and above your daughter's need for a sibling, so she's angry... she feels like she and your daughter have to do without because you put your boys first.

 

I am also an only child, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone - I would even adopt to make sure my child didn't have to grow up alone. If I was married and my husband didn't want another baby, for me that would be reason enough to end the marriage and have another baby on my own - I would feel like my husband didn't care about my feelings or about our existing child being lonely.

 

I don't really understand your financial argument for not having another baby, because surely when the boys reach 18 they'll be responsible for themselves, and will get a student loan to put themselves through college, just as millions of other kids do? Your age argument doesn't really wash either - my father was 44 when he had me, and my bf is 39 (I'm a lot younger), he has three teenage kids already and he still plans to have kids with me in a couple of years.

 

I can see why you don't want to have more kids with a woman who doesn't like your boys, but that didn't stop you marrying her or having a daughter with her... Perhaps you could reach an agreement with her that you will seriously consider having another baby if she can be nicer to the boys and treat them like family? I know you're worried about the future of the marriage, but I think you're just made her all defensive and angry by putting the boys needs before the needs of her and your daughter... she's probably not serious about wanting to end the marriage, she's just extremely upset.

[Thornton]

Your very 1ST obligation is towards those 2 boys, then comes the 2 yr old.

 

I disagree with this wholeheartedly. Why should the 2yr old come second to the other two boys? Shouldn't her daddy love her just as much as his other kids?

[MACABC]

Why on earth did you marry and produce 1 child with a woman who wasn't warm and accepting of your 2 pre-existing children?

 

Your very 1ST obligation is towards those 2 boys, then comes the 2 yr old. Last on the list of obligations is the

abusive shrew you married, I wouldn't have another child with her, I'd get a vasectomy to ensure that it doesn't happen and I'd insist on marriage and family therapy

as a condition of continuing in the marriage at all.

 

He has an equal obligation to all three of his children.

[mard40]

I can sort of understand how your wife feels... you gave your ex two kids, but you can't give her two kids? She probably feels like you're prioritising your two boys' college education above her desire for another baby, and above your daughter's need for a sibling, so she's angry... she feels like she and your daughter have to do without because you put your boys first.

 

 

Thornton,

 

You have summed up her point of view perfectly! This is exactly what she has said to me. Thank you for helping me to understand her point of view a little better.

 

The problem is that, at least right now, she is unwilling to try to improve her relationship with the boys. They are not bad boys, it is just that they are not going to go out of there way to woo her. She has to try to involve herself with them, but she can't probably because of the resentment that you mentioned.

[Thornton]

I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and guess that your wife feels like she's in competition with your two boys and your ex-wife... competition for your time, and your money, and perhaps for your love too. It's up to you to demonstrate that this is not the case, that your love is not limited and you do consider her to be of the highest priority in your life. She is probably still very much of a "us and them" mentality, and I imagine that this is something she has struggled with throughout your relationship. Her recent behaviour is not necessarily indicative of her being a bad person, but is more a symptom of her struggling with these issues and feeling somewhat jealous about your "other family".

 

I don't think your wife genuinely does want to divorce you; when people are hurt and angry they often make extreme statements and say things they don't mean. This has probably been building up for a long time, and now she's finally blown and stomped off to her mother's house. I do think this is fixable, but you have to be willing to help her work through her issues with your boys. The fact that she's struggling with these feelings of "us and them" in the first place means that she must love you, because she doesn't like to feel that she's not the main priority in your life.

 

The key issue is this: you have two kids with your ex and one with her, and she probably feels like she wants another kid so she can be "equal". She wants a baby and a sibling for your daughter, but she feels like you're putting your boys first, ahead of the needs of both her and your daughter. I'm willing to bet that this is probably the latest in a long string of arguments about the boys having too much priority in your life. You may find that if you get counselling to deal with her jealousy and her issues with the boys, her desire for another baby might go away because she no longer feels this need to be "equal" with your "other family"... but if not, then you need to talk about it, and she has to feel that your decision about not wanting a baby is NOT based on her and your daughter coming second in your list of priorities.

 

The main thing that your wife is missing here is that she already has three kids... one of her own and two of yours. If you tell her this and she responds "Those boys aren't mine" then you've identified the key problem. If she can accept those two boys as her family, it wouldn't only be good for them, it would also be good for her, because there will be two more people in the world who love and support her. But as you said, they don't go out of their way to be nice to her, and she doesn't get along with them either. This is an issue that needs to be addressed from both sides: both she AND the boys have to be open to making an effort and building a relationship, and their mother cannot interfere with this. You cannot make either your wife or the boys feel blamed for not getting along in the past, and neither of them must feel solely responsible for improving their relationship, otherwise they'll just become defensive. You need to spend more quality time together as a family, or perhaps she could even spend some quality time with them alone, or speak to them on the phone when they call. She is their stepmother, and she needs to realise that she still has an important role in their lives even though she's not their biological mother, and she still has a lot to offer them.

 

I really think that marriage counselling would help you to work out some of your issues. But obviously she's not going to be keen to go to counselling if she thinks you're completely opposed to her desire for a baby and you just want to "fix her" so she doesn't want one any more. You have to be open to compromise, and tell her you'll at least consider what she wants if she'll go to counselling so you can deal with the bigger issues underlying this disagreement.

[hey_beautiful]

Would you entertain the idea of another baby if she warmed up to your kids? When it comes down to it, I can understand your wife's POV, but I think she is being ridiculous. I do suspect she is feeling a little bit of jealousy and competitiveness, which is normal. You need to get to the root of the problem, which I think more than anything is not your kids, but the fact that they are your two kids with your ex. She should love them, and yes, maybe you should have considered that, but I think with some kind of help and a lot of talking she will be able to work out her issues. Then, when all of that is handled, and she can communicate with all of the children and feeling loving towards all of the children, then see if it may be a possibility to have another one.

[soserious1]

He has an equal obligation to all three of his children.

 

I disagree, his FIRST and PRIMARY obligation is to his 1st set of kids, an obligation that the OP has seriously been remiss in as evidenced by the fact that his boys sit at a dinner table with a tight lipped nasty biatch of a step-mother, who's basically emotionally abusing them.OP have you considered the fact that your boys probably HATE You for not putting a screeching halt to this years ago?

 

When you marry somebody with pre-existing kids, you do knowing that your life options are going to be impacted and even SEVERELY restricted because that obligation comes first..those kids and their needs are MORE important

than the step-parent. This means step-parent will on occasion be expected to do actual care giving, the step parent might also have to accept that they will have to

either not have any bio children of their own or to have fewer bio children than they would have liked.

 

OP has 3 kids and he's said he doesn't want a 4th.. not abnormal in the slightest, few people want that many these days

 

 

If I were the OP,I'd start by telling the Ice queen

that her emotional abuse of the children is going to come to a screeching halt, she has a choice, either begin MC, family therapy and take some parenting classes, along with IC or I would be filing for divorce... and seeking sole physical/legal custody of the 2 yr old as mom has displayed that she's not fit to raise her.

[boogieboy]

His wife definitly needs to be talked to because she doesnt even think of the money issue. OP might be miserable if he cant afford all these kids with college and such. It does sound like a jealousy issue. Get through to her, she might want the kid out fo spite only to even the playing field, but not truly want another child. Woah this is deep..........