Why can't some men get the other foot out the door?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I know of a few MM's who feel stuck in their marriages and want to leave. They have spoken with lawyers, listed all the pros and cons of staying vs leaving, all signs point to leave, yet they can't take that final step and leave their wives.

 

Two that I know of both say that if their W left, they would be like Hey great! If they came home and caught their W with another man, they both stated it would be enough to step the other foot out thedoor.

 

One of them I know of is cheating (obviously, as I am the OW). The other one has a child, so that could be his reason.

 

I'm sure there are alot of men in this situation. I can see it would be harder if there are kids, or if there are huge financial implications. Another reason may be that they just feel guiltier if they leave, and would prefer the W leave so they wouldn't be the bad guy. Is that it? Any other ideas out there?

[clv0116]

A lot of guys stay married in terrible relationships because the travesty we call family law would roast them alive if they decided to leave. They are faced with a menu of choices, all of them bad, simply because their current relationship is broken.

 

Cross reference this with all the "Why don't men want to get married" threads.

[TrustInYourself]

Why are you asking?

 

The thrill and excitement of being the OW is probably sustaining your relationship right now. Why not just force him to make a decision rather than riding the fence?

 

You're the fall back option, lol.

[NOTSURE7]

i am the classic case but i have 3 young kids and i think that they are my main factor, we men are cowards and at this point this man has his cake and is eating it too so why should he upset the apple cart so to speak.

 

i too am married, up until the other day i had an ow and we were soulmates etc etc but i never left my W,she also married had decided finally to go work on her marriage but mostly it was because she knows i am never leaving W.

 

I too have thought about, it fantasized about it and written all the pros and cons, i even wrote a letter to wife but of course never gave it to her.

 

if you want you can read my recent post about it all being in my head and wanting to get it out about how i feel and what i have been going through it might offer you some insight into the mind of the married man.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

So the main fear is monetary? Vindictiveness from the exWife? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't, so why not take a risk and leave? Fear of the unknown seems to be far greater than knowing what's in store, that being a lousy marriage.

 

And no, this is not about my affair. I am removed from the equation in his decision making process. Whether he is with me or not, does not change how he feels about his W and his marriage. He is basing his decision on whether or not he feels there is something left in his marriage. Yet he says the things I mentioned, like hoping she just leaves so as to make the decision for him.

 

We have alot of dreams, but we also have reality and are very much aware of all the options and what can happen if certain paths are taken. I will not enter any new relationships at least for another several months while I work on myself. He is the one who's putting his life on hold, not me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The truth is deep down inside...the MM does not trust the mistress.

 

He could truly love the wife and just want the mistress for a hot piece of azz on certain nights because his wife is tired. but he isnt gonna leave and wife the mistress.

 

And also he knows in his heart that if she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you.

[Nomad1]

The bottom line is that these shenanigans complicate life. Life ought to be simple. It seems to me that many 30 or 40 something people feel that there is something missing in their lives - call it delayed adolescence if you wish, but their lives become ruled by pleasure. In pursuit of happiness they proceed to erase all that constituted their former lives. However, when there are children in the equation, they are never able to completely do that and become trapped in a limbo land. They later realise that they have created more unhappiness for themselves and the people around them. Would you respect someone who leaves his wife / husband to be with you? What makes you so special that s/he will not lose interest a few months / years down the line. It is amazing how much some people are prepared to give up for fleeting moments of 'happiness'! The truth is that he would not be entertaining the thought of leaving his family if you were not around, don't you think?

[NOTSURE7]

good points nomad.the only reason we mm even think about leaving is because the ow is around and conjures up dreams of the life we never had, but your statemtn is right on because if not for the ow, the mm wont even think about leaving,so does he really want to leave or is it just empty promises?

[quankanne]

I personally think there's a complacency factor involved – why change things if you can have a wife AND a lover? If he's honest with himself, his marriage probably isn't as miserable as he paints it, and his girlfriend is willing to settle for whatever time he can carve out ... to make a proactive move by divorcing his "hated" wife is to get his azz off the fence or give up the "cake." And why on earth would he want to do that?

[NOTSURE7]

i think quan hits on a good point, most of our marriages arent that bad at the end of the day, i mean how bad can his wife really be,if she was so bad he would walk right out the door, remember he can leave at anytime if thats what he really wanted,money,wives,kids etc etc will not stop someone who truly wants out.

 

its all about us mm wanting the cake and having an addiction, i am no saint but i at least realize it.

[TrustInYourself]

A MM who is willing to have an affair is playing you. You are the booty call, nothing more.

 

If you doubt it, press him to make a decision and you'll see his true colors.

 

If he wanted a serious relationship, he would probably drop you and stick with his wife and family. If he chooses you over his wife, you can expect to be dropped when the new, hot alternative comes along.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

The truth is that he would not be entertaining the thought of leaving his family if you were not around, don't you think?

 

Well in my situation, and I said this earlier, he would be having the same thoughts about his marriage if I weren't in the equation. We took a break from physical activity together, and his feelings didn't change.

 

She knows about me, and is looking for a place to live. He is excited about keeping his house. But we know it's a long road, and have no expectations, and will just see what happens. He DOES have a time limit. I gave him til next spring, but she sort of found out, and he thinks it will all be over in a couple weeks, and completely settled by end of summer.

 

But he is scared that if she doesn't move out, he might have a hard time leaving. maybe he just wants to keep his house.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well in my situation, and I said this earlier, he would be having the same thoughts about his marriage if I weren't in the equation. We took a break from physical activity together, and his feelings didn't change.

 

She knows about me, and is looking for a place to live. He is excited about keeping his house. But we know it's a long road, and have no expectations, and will just see what happens. He DOES have a time limit. I gave him til next spring, but she sort of found out, and he thinks it will all be over in a couple weeks, and completely settled by end of summer.

 

But he is scared that if she doesn't move out, he might have a hard time leaving. maybe he just wants to keep his house.

 

Deep down inside do you really believe he can be faithful to you, if your the mistress???

 

I mean he's betraying his wife, what makes you think and believe your so different. What if his wife doesnt leave, what if he reconciles with her, what if he starts distancing himself from you?

 

I mean you really think this man is as good as his word.

[Mino]

Does the word " coward" come to mind????

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Deep down inside do you really believe he can be faithful to you, if your the mistress???

 

I mean he's betraying his wife, what makes you think and believe your so different. What if his wife doesnt leave, what if he reconciles with her, what if he starts distancing himself from you?

 

I mean you really think this man is as good as his word.

 

I have alot of reasons to believe he will be faithful to me if we pursue our relationship. I don't need to list them here.

 

If reconciling will truly make him happy, then I won't go any farther with my feelings for him and I will move on. I am happy, and he is a bonus in my life, and I fully understand this may end soon. I also know that there is a possibility I could be with him for the rest of my life. Things are up in the air, for now, but that doesn't stop me from living my life.

 

Anyway my original post was in general, and thinking back, I start to wonder if my exH had the same way of thinking. He distanced himself, shut down on me, was only there for the kids, and I ended up leaving. He never fought for our marriage, not one bit, and the only way I could get MY other foot out the door was to be unfaithful. I know that was wrong, but he left the marriage long before that, and I believe he got what he wanted. There were no tears, not from him, nor from me (except from him when we had to tell the kids).

[Algonquin]

Yet he says the things I mentioned, like hoping she just leaves so as to make the decision for him.

 

Expect this same type of behaviour/way of thinking if you two do end up together. How he treats his wife is how he'll treat you if things start to not good well between you two.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

That is often the case but I believe we can both grow and learn from this too, and make the changes in our relationship and keep the lines of communication open. I'm not her, so who's to say he'll treat me the same. He already treats me way different for obvious reasons.

[Gus]

He's unfaithful - period. I know you want to believe he'd be faithful to you, but his cheating on his wife would not lead me to believe that he would not cheat on you. I know you want to believe that he wouldn't and maybe he wouldn't, but the odds aren't in your favor.

 

If a man (or woman) wants out of a marriage, they'll get out, regardless of what they'll lose financially.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I was also unfaithful in my marriage. I have worked on myself and I'm in a much better place than ever before.

 

And I do know if this all blows up I will be the same person I am today. Nothing changes in my life other than the fact that he won't be my lover. We will continue to work together (unless the blow-up includes a firin' or he chooses to leave to work on his M).

 

Life goes on.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So your perfectly fine knowing this man may not change and may betray you as well, because both of you guys track records speak for itself?

 

Is that what your telling people here?

 

Wow you are still in the fog after all this time. doesnt sound like you have learned anything from being married and cheating and deception. sounds like you havent learned anything.

[giotto]

fear of the unknown, financial difficulties, kids...

[Woggle]

Most married men that do cheat have no intention whatsoever of leaving the marriage. They usually don't love the OW and just want to have some fun on the side. Why do women keep falling for their crap?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

So your perfectly fine knowing this man may not change and may betray you as well, because both of you guys track records speak for itself?

 

Is that what your telling people here?

 

Wow you are still in the fog after all this time. doesnt sound like you have learned anything from being married and cheating and deception. sounds like you havent learned anything.

 

No! That's not what I meant at all. I have learned. ALOT. I know what he is going through. Some marriages aren't meant to last. I have no regrets about my marriage ending.

 

My marriage didn't end because of infidelity, and neither is his. His will end because after 10 years of marriage he is not happy being married to her. She does nothing with him, is boring, and only wants a kid with him. He is adventurous, loves to travel, hiking, skiing, oceans, and she sits in the hotel room with a book and won't even go for a walk with him. Why would he want that for the next 40-50 years when he can be with someone who shares his zest for life?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Lady your delusional! lol.

 

He's still with her, so what does that tell you, he hasnt made no steps in your direction or filed for divorce. He's not gonna put his mistress first! and that is you! and yes your marriages are ending by infiidelity! if you wasnt in the picture he'd be right where he is now. ooops he's still there. Your marriage ended because you deeply wanted it to. Right? right! but this man isnt leaving, he isnt doing anything except having the best of both worlds.

 

Like I said you havent learned anything.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

They have a counselling session tomorrow and he told me he is not going to commit to working on his M, and hoping she decides to call it quits. So if it ends it ends. If it drags on a few more weeks then I back off a few more weeks. I have nowhere to go. The counsellor gave them the impression that this session was going to be the one she starts to help them say good bye.

 

Even if he does end his M I don't "expect" him to come running to me. It's going to take time either way. There are a few valid reasons why he hasn't left including financial, her job, and his job.

 

Believe me, I'm not in a rush. Being patient has helped me alot.