jany Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 If you found out that your wife had an affair with another married man, would you inform his spouse about it? If so, what do you hope to achieve? I'm considering coming clean to my H but I am afraid he might confront my co-worker and also inform his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 If you found out that your wife had an affair with another married man, would you inform his spouse about it? If so, what do you hope to achieve? I'm considering coming clean to my H but I am afraid he might confront my co-worker and also inform his wife. As far as telling the OP spouse, I would tell in a heartbeat. Why? Because that person has a right to know what their spouse is involved in. Therefore they can make an informed decision on how to approach this problem. 1. Confront and work it out 2. End it A second reason is affairs on thrive in secrecy. When they're exposed, then the WS has to confront their actions in the open. This exposure has a way of bringing the WS out of the affair fog. In your case I have to ask you this, why are you waffling on "coming clean" to your husband? 1. Do you love him? 2. Do you want to fix what you've damaged? 3. Or are you just afraid of the consequences of your actions? I ask you these, but in reality you have to ask and answer these for yourself. An affair is a breach of trust and honesty. Want to repair this, be honest and build trust. But first you have to be honest with yourself. What do you want. Do you want your husband, or do you want your OM. You CANNOT have both. If you want to remain with your husband the best way to start is to be honest and admit what you've done, then work on rebuilding trust. But also you will have to deal with the aftermath. Not saying this to be mean or spiteful, but you reap what you sow. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I would absolutely tell. They have a right to know, just as I do. It sounds as if you are more concerned about the repurcussions of your telling on your affair partner than on your marriage, your husband and yourself. It seems to me that your priorities are still very skewed. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I would absolutely tell the W. If my stbxw's OM had been married...I would have told her in a heartbeat. And...lest you freak out...I didn't for D because of my W's A...I filed because she was NEVER open and honest...nor did she TRULY try to save the M and rebuild trust. That's why I filed. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Did tell, no regrets. Everyone has the right to make decisions for their own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Of course I would tell why should the OM get off scott free, if the situations was reversed jany, wouldnt you like to be told. I mean who knows what kind of STD's the spouse is bringing home to his wife. Why didnt you think of the consequences before your affair? You should come clean with your husband, because living in truth is the right thing to do. Also it shows him that you care about his feelings to be honest about your behavior as his wife. If I was married I would want to know. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I have read thru both of your threads. You want to know what will pull you out of your fog, and the lusting for this affair partner, if your husband slaps a set of divorce papers on you. You will come out of the fog so fast your head will swim. If your mge., has problems sit your H. down and address them. If you tell your H. about your A., and yes an A. is an A. no matter where it is conducted. be prepared for your own nuclear winter possibly 2 to 5 years of it. The other guy's wife deserves to know what a slimeball she is married to. You do have yourself a large problem, to tell or not to tell. Not telling, you are going to be eaten by guilt and fester psychologically till you do tell, but on the other hand if you tell, you blow up all the lives of those around you, your H. both your families. Was and is your little walk in the park with this guy worth the wreckage of your life, cuz basically that is what you have done to yourself. This may sound a little harsh to you, but unfortunately for you IT IS REALITY. Welcome to your life Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Read the 1st paragraph of beyond sad's thread, "making future plans" That should give you all the reason you need to stop your school girl infatuation, and grow up Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I ended my affiar last fall and neither myself or the OW told our spouses. While I appreciate the honesty thread, it will just ending up hurting both families, spouses and children included. Honesty is usually best, but being honest here when things are over does nothing but hurt people. Are there any spouses who were told who were glad they were told? I bet most would rather not have know. You cannot unring that bell. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 If you found out that your wife had an affair with another married man, would you inform his spouse about it? hell yes I'd inform the other spouse. If so, what do you hope to achieve? informing a spouse that has the right to know they are married to a scumbag cheater. That and its part of the consequence to my spouse in that not only did she f##k up my marriage, she did so to his marriage with him being the primary cause on his end. And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't for a little revenge against the OM. Nothing wrong with forcing him to face the consequences of his actions...whether it be for revenge or because the OM's wife doesn't deserve to keep going on not knowing her husband is stuffing his member in other women. I'm considering coming clean to my H but I am afraid he might confront my co-worker and also inform his wife. so what? seems that maybe you want to protect the OM? The OM's marital state whether your H rats him out or not is not your problem. He got himself into this, he can face the consequences. So lemme guess...you care for the OM and don't want to cause him any trouble I take it? If thats the case, and you care for him, then why are you still married to your husband? Either your husband is more important to you, or the OM is. Make your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 If you husband had an affair wouldn't you expect him to come clean and be honest with you? You and your husband need to be checked for STD's. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I ended my affiar last fall and neither myself or the OW told our spouses. While I appreciate the honesty thread, it will just ending up hurting both families, spouses and children included. Honesty is usually best, but being honest here when things are over does nothing but hurt people. Are there any spouses who were told who were glad they were told? I bet most would rather not have know. You cannot unring that bell. So it's OK to continue the deceit as long as the affair has ended? Lies by ommission are many times worse than flat out deceit. It's not the crime, it's the cover up which is more devistating. Do your research and look up the BS's who found out 5, 10, 20 years later about there WS's affairs. They'll tell how the years of lies and cover up only compounded the issue. Many of their marriages did not recover. Not because of the initial infidelity, but because the years of deceipt. Many felt their entire marriages were a lie. As a BS I can tell you this, I would have respected my wife if she came forward and told me what was going on, or did go on. But she didn't and I found out on my own. I lost respect for her because she was not straight up with me. It took years to regain trust and respect, but now things are better than ever. If you told your husband he will be hurt and he will be angry, but after the smoke clears he will respect you for coming to him and telling him what happened. In 5 years when he finds out on his own, I doubt he will be so forgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 If you found out that your wife had an affair with another married man, would you inform his spouse about it? If so, what do you hope to achieve? I'm considering coming clean to my H but I am afraid he might confront my co-worker and also inform his wife. I am going to ask you this. Do you think your other co-workers don't know? and How do you know one of them may not tell your husband or the OM's wife. Your counselor has lost her mind. The truth is like water, it always finds a way in and always finds a way out (in other words, exposes itself). Do you think it better if you told him or he found out on his own? I guarantee you whether it be 50 days or 50 years..he will find out. No contact is the only way to get over the OM. Lunches should stop. conversations should stop. Who do you want to keep, you could have very well lost your marriage already. You think you haven't hurt your husband? you have..he just doesn't know it yet. The affair is selfish and you keeping it from him is even more selfish. This is his marriage too and he has the right to know what is going on in it. to keep it from him makes you no better than a thief or murderer. It's simply criminal. You were woman enough to start the affair, be woman enough to admit your wrong doing. you may lose your husband..but you took that risk when you stepped outside your marriage. Coming on here venting is just another selfish way for you to try to ease your guilt. do the right thing. tell your husband the truth and I guarantee you your affair will end. The look on his face alone will be enough for you to see what kind of monster you are being and how you are killing him every day you hold this in. If you confess you at least have a chance. if he finds out on his own..you have as about as much chance trying to run across the sahara and live. It's possible, but very hard. What's more is you indulge in it every day. Every day you betray your husband. think of that. Every Day you go to work..you betray your husband. Every day it would not be so bad if you were trying to stop, but you act like a high school teenager, can barely make it without seeing OM. I believe it is more you who wants this to continue than him. He doesn't control anything. He doesn't have you on remote control. You do the things you do willingly. For another fix. You need another counselor and you need to confess. How is keeping it in working for you so far? SoulStorm Returns Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I ended my affiar last fall and neither myself or the OW told our spouses. While I appreciate the honesty thread, it will just ending up hurting both families, spouses and children included. Honesty is usually best, but being honest here when things are over does nothing but hurt people. Are there any spouses who were told who were glad they were told? I bet most would rather not have know. You cannot unring that bell. I am with ya 100% on the hurting both families part. Most here will tell you absolutely tell - HURT the other parties just like you were hurt. Seems an eye for an eye is the norm here. I don't see any point whatsoever with upsetting more people than is necessary. Just my opinion- agree with ya mmk. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I am with ya 100% on the hurting both families part. Most here will tell you absolutely tell - HURT the other parties just like you were hurt. Seems an eye for an eye is the norm here. I don't see any point whatsoever with upsetting more people than is necessary. Just my opinion- agree with ya mmk. What I feel is utterly ridiculous is people saying don't hurt the families further. What the @!##@ ??? You have already hurt them. Because you don't tell them doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them. means you are good at being a liar. Truth always come out. or do you all just like living a lie. Justify your bad behavior by saying I will hurt them if i tell. i can guarntee you every person that found out they were betrayed on their own has a far less chance of ever giving that person their trust again. Means you would rather continue being deceptive than tell the truth. Honestly..is the world just this cruel? maybe so Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Honestly..is the world just this cruel? maybe so And on the other hand - Is this world just this cruel that you'd hurt more people than have already been hurt? I'll give you this- affairs are bad. All the way around. Everyone involved gets hurt - BUT if you can spare your family or your spouse that additional pain of telling them what happened.......Then I'm all for it. You keep incinuating that everyone always finds out. That's not the truth - I'd like to hope most in LS would realize that scare tactics here don't work. Scaring someone into telling - just is silly Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 And on the other hand - Is this world just this cruel that you'd hurt more people than have already been hurt? I'll give you this- affairs are bad. All the way around. Everyone involved gets hurt - BUT if you can spare your family or your spouse that additional pain of telling them what happened.......Then I'm all for it. You keep incinuating that everyone always finds out. That's not the truth - I'd like to hope most in LS would realize that scare tactics here don't work. Scaring someone into telling - just is silly Whatever..you continue to fool yourself with that perception..i have seen and know better. people deserve to know what is going on with their lives..good or bad Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 For the record..telling someone the truth is not a scare tactic. You don't hide the truth from people you love.Not telling the truth by omission is still lying. How can you tell someone you love them but hide the fact you did something detrimental to them? what kind of friend or spouse would you be? One who can lie to the one you claim to love. What I find silly is you find that lying to people is ok. Is what you doing really helping. you have to live with that secret knowing full well it's eating you alive. And if it's not, what does that say about you? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 No betrayed spouse, but a betrayed boyfriend. And yes, I did tell him. Like another poster said, THAT will snap them out of the affair fog quickly. It quickly went from my H was the love of her life (her emails) to "it was just kiss". Talk about rewriting history. He didn't buy it either. But all I did was tell him what I knew. I refused to send him the email messages. It was her job to show herself trustworthy again. If I had to do it all over again, I would still tell the other BS. Not telling them once you know is nothing short of irresponsible IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Whatever..you continue to fool yourself with that perception..i have seen and know better. people deserve to know what is going on with their lives..good or bad My affair was over years ago. My husband knew. All I'm saying is......I just know that if push came to shove & he didn't know or didn't find out - I would have not voluntarily told him. And, NO I wouldn't want to know either if the tables were turned. I would not volunteer information to a friend either. In that circumstance - I don't butt my nose into other people's marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Nor would I go to my affair partner's wife (at the time) & tell her.......NOR did my husband run & tell her either. We delt our way - They delt theirs. No one compared notes. That's all I'm sayin'! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I don't butt my nose into other people's marriages. well I sure as hell wish someone would have butted into mine years ago. Could have saved alot of precious years of my life that I won't get back. and a few people knew for years what my wife did, but kept shut. I resent them for not saying so much as a word or an anonymous letter. they just let me waste years off my life. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 My affair was over years ago. My husband knew. All I'm saying is......I just know that if push came to shove & he didn't know or didn't find out - I would have not voluntarily told him. And, NO I wouldn't want to know either if the tables were turned. I would not volunteer information to a friend either. In that circumstance - I don't butt my nose into other people's marriages. If your OM was married..you butted your nose in his marriage and you allowed him to butt his nose in yours..that's hypocritical You said also that people don't find out..well your husband found you out..how do you explain that? Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 If your OM was married..you butted your nose in his marriage and you allowed him to butt his nose in yours..that's hypocritical You said also that people don't find out..well your husband found you out..how do you explain that? I did not "butt" into his marriage nor did he "butt" into mine. Yes, we shared information.. 'voluntarily' about our respective spouses - same as friends do. My husband knew I had a male friend that I hung out with - he just didn't know the extent of the relationship. It's a very complex story as to how he found out about how far the friendship had gone. And, I said they don't ALWAYS find out. I have a girlfriend that had one for 9 years. MANY years ago. Her husband does not know. And, will never know. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I did not "butt" into his marriage nor did he "butt" into mine. Yes, we shared information.. 'voluntarily' about our respective spouses - same as friends do. My husband knew I had a male friend that I hung out with - he just didn't know the extent of the relationship. It's a very complex story as to how he found out about how far the friendship had gone. And, I said they don't ALWAYS find out. I have a girlfriend that had one for 9 years. MANY years ago. Her husband does not know. And, will never know. There is nothing complex about infidelity. You had an affair, plain and simple "Butt" means to interfere. So you are saying you did not interfere with his marriage? Butt, interfere, what do you call it? there is no play on words with that. You did interfere or butt in. you went where you should not have. Just like your husband found out..your friends will too. i think I will stay away from women in Arkansas..sheesh Never say never. i guarantee you he will unless he dies before she does Link to post Share on other sites
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