seibert253 Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 My affair was over years ago. My husband knew. All I'm saying is......I just know that if push came to shove & he didn't know or didn't find out - I would have not voluntarily told him. And, NO I wouldn't want to know either if the tables were turned. I would not volunteer information to a friend either. In that circumstance - I don't butt my nose into other people's marriages. So let me get this straight, you're saying you wouldn't tell your husband and gathering by your own words, it's safe to say you didn't tell him until AFTER he found out. Hmmm, OK now we see where your coming from. What ended your A? Did you just decide to do right, or did your husband finding out help you in that decision? The fog is a powerful thing. It took the smackdown of the threat of divorce and exposure to shake some sense back into my wife. So I think I can understand somewhat where you're coming from. Either way, I wondering if there's some deep seeded guilt your feeling by not coming clean from the get go. You may get some WS's to agree with you, but 99% of the BS's feel differently. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 So let me get this straight, you're saying you wouldn't tell your husband and gathering by your own words, it's safe to say you didn't tell him until AFTER he found out. Hmmm, OK now we see where your coming from. What ended your A? Did you just decide to do right, or did your husband finding out help you in that decision? The fog is a powerful thing. It took the smackdown of the threat of divorce and exposure to shake some sense back into my wife. So I think I can understand somewhat where you're coming from. Either way, I wondering if there's some deep seeded guilt your feeling by not coming clean from the get go. You may get some WS's to agree with you, but 99% of the BS's feel differently. There are a lot of in's & out's of MY personal story that even if I explained it here - People would not understand. I'm not saying my story is special by any stretch. There are just a lot of hidden factors. SO......NO I didn't voluntarily tell him. He did ask me & I did say Yes. And that was that. As I have told my story before - There was no major melt down, no one went to a psych ward, no threaten of divorce - nothing near as dramatic as that......It happened 3 years ago & We got thru it. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 There is nothing complex about infidelity. You had an affair, plain and simple "Butt" means to interfere. So you are saying you did not interfere with his marriage? Butt, interfere, what do you call it? there is no play on words with that. You did interfere or butt in. you went where you should not have. Just like your husband found out..your friends will too. i think I will stay away from women in Arkansas..sheesh Never say never. i guarantee you he will unless he dies before she does Interfere.......Nah - didn't interfere. The affair took place on our own time - we didn't take time away from our spouses. My husband was out of town or playing golf & his wife was out having an affair with someone else or partying like a rock star with her BFF's. Lovely set up huh? (yes, i'm being flip with my answer) Nope my friend's husband will never find out. Not a chance in hell of that ever happening. But thanks for your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Interfere.......Nah - didn't interfere. The affair took place on our own time - we didn't take time away from our spouses. My husband was out of town or playing golf & his wife was out having an affair with someone else or partying like a rock star with her BFF's. Lovely set up huh? (yes, i'm being flip with my answer) Nope my friend's husband will never find out. Not a chance in hell of that ever happening. But thanks for your concern. Nice Try ok play on words all you like..you went where you should not have. And make fun all you want,,truth is you screwed around with a married man while you were married. Glad you can have fun in that Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Glad you can have fun in that 3+ years later - You betcha! It's in the past. Don't you think that after that many years & if a marriage is repaired &/or on its way to being repaired - Ya both can look back & chuckle just a smidge at the irony of the whole situation that revolved around the affair in the first place? In my personal situation - I do & my husband does too. We try not to be debbie downers about life. If you dwell on everything bad in life - You can't move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 3+ years later - You betcha! It's in the past. Don't you think that after that many years & if a marriage is repaired &/or on its way to being repaired - Ya both can look back & chuckle just a smidge at the irony of the whole situation that revolved around the affair in the first place? In my personal situation - I do & my husband does too. We try not to be debbie downers about life. If you dwell on everything bad in life - You can't move forward. True..I'm not dwelling on the bad..i just have a different point of view than you do. people deserve to know what's going in their family life especially if they have been betrayed Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Don't you think that after that many years & if a marriage is repaired &/or on its way to being repaired - Ya both can look back & chuckle just a smidge at the irony of the whole situation that revolved around the affair in the first place? Chuckle? Are you kidding? Chuckle??? Like it was fun? Uh, that's a NO. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Chuckle? Are you kidding? Chuckle??? Like it was fun? Uh, that's a NO. Don't be such a Debbie Downer. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Don't be such a Debbie Downer. Wah Wah....Exactly! YES I said chuckle! Keep in mind .......I am speaking only of MY situation. I don't say everyone laughs years later.... I say chuckle in a figurative basis - not literally. We don't dwell on the DOWN side of our relationship....We dwell on the good times - which there are WAYYYY MORE of those than there are bad times. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Wah Wah....Exactly! YES I said chuckle! Keep in mind .......I am speaking only of MY situation. I don't say everyone laughs years later.... I say chuckle in a figurative basis - not literally. We don't dwell on the DOWN side of our relationship....We dwell on the good times - which there are WAYYYY MORE of those than there are bad times. I might not totally agree with all of your rationale, but I get what you meant by the chuckle. My H and I frequently chuckle about how dense we both were. We've changed so much from the people we were back then. Its ironic the things we said we would never do and in fact did do, and so sometimes we chuckle about it. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 Wah Wah....Exactly! You thought I was making fun of silktricks?? Heh. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 While I am grateful for my relationship with God that came as a result of the A, it will be a cold day in hell if I chuckle at the crap that my kids went through. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I do not believe any marriage that has been damaged by infidelity ever fully recovers. So I wouldn't expect anyone to be chuckling about any part of it, no matter how much time has passed. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Wah Wah....Exactly! YES I said chuckle! Keep in mind .......I am speaking only of MY situation. I don't say everyone laughs years later.... I say chuckle in a figurative basis - not literally. We don't dwell on the DOWN side of our relationship....We dwell on the good times - which there are WAYYYY MORE of those than there are bad times. As I've said before, everyone handles situations differently. What works for one, may not work for others. I may not agree with your tactics, but if it's worked for you, as it seems it has, then I can't really argue with you about it. If all's well in your marriage, then drive on. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 sounds like you are leaning toward an attempt to take your dark secret to the grave with you----If so, just for your own sake, you HAD BETTER, cut contact in any form with your slimeball friend. You had better get him out of your mind, and forget you ever knew him, if you must work in the same building with him, make sure you never see, nor talk to him. From this moment on you will be walking a tightrope, you can never slip. you really can't drink around your H., in case you have a little too much, and your tongue gets loosened, you can never confide in friends, you will need to stay away from the subject of infidelity in talk with H., family, or friends, for there could be a trigger there. You will be eaten by your guilt, i believe you stated you are already having problems in that area. You will have to come home night after night look your H. in the eyes, and tell him everything is good, and normal. You are going to have to decieve and lie to him for the rest of your married life. Are you prepared to do this. For if you slip up and he finds out about the A. in all actuality none of what has been discussed on this website will REALLY prepare you for the storm that will take over your life for a long long time. Once again welcome to your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jany Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 Wow.. thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate all the different perspectives. The reason why I am concern that my husband would contact his wife is because I don't want to cause my havoc in another family. Yes, it's a little too late now, I realized but really, there is absolutely no chance of her finding out. It's not so much about caring for the OM, it's more like not creating any more trouble for anyone. Plus, we both work together, and I would hate if she comes to work looking for me or something similar to that. Someone asked if other co-workers know, and I am not sure. A closer friend at work suspected that the OM may be interested in me and she said she sensed the chemistry but I don't think she actually knows that something did happen. I am hesitant to say anything because the A is now over, and we both have moved on. (Me still struggling, but I think he has definitely moved on). I feel that both betrayed spouses do not know anything, and if I were to say something now to my husband, it will create more problems for us and possibly for OM and his family. Sort of similar to what someone said - why make it miserable for both families? The A is over. Contrary to what someone here said about the guilt if some random person brings up the subject of infidelity - I have frequently brought up that subject with my husband just to get his views on this subject. Despite the numerous occasions of me bringing up this subject, my husband still trusts me. I am grateful for that. If my husband cheated on me, would I want to know? Honestly, I don't know the answer. Would I tell the other betrayed spouse? Probably, but I would do so because of revenge and wanting the other family to hurt as much as I am hurting. I'm being extremely honest here. I wouldn't say that I would want the best for the other BS, etc.. nope, no noble reasons for me other than revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Wow.. thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate all the different perspectives. The reason why I am concern that my husband would contact his wife is because I don't want to cause my havoc in another family. Yes, it's a little too late now, I realized but really, there is absolutely no chance of her finding out. It's not so much about caring for the OM, it's more like not creating any more trouble for anyone. Plus, we both work together, and I would hate if she comes to work looking for me or something similar to that. Someone asked if other co-workers know, and I am not sure. A closer friend at work suspected that the OM may be interested in me and she said she sensed the chemistry but I don't think she actually knows that something did happen. I am hesitant to say anything because the A is now over, and we both have moved on. (Me still struggling, but I think he has definitely moved on). I feel that both betrayed spouses do not know anything, and if I were to say something now to my husband, it will create more problems for us and possibly for OM and his family. Sort of similar to what someone said - why make it miserable for both families? The A is over. Contrary to what someone here said about the guilt if some random person brings up the subject of infidelity - I have frequently brought up that subject with my husband just to get his views on this subject. Despite the numerous occasions of me bringing up this subject, my husband still trusts me. I am grateful for that. If my husband cheated on me, would I want to know? Honestly, I don't know the answer. Would I tell the other betrayed spouse? Probably, but I would do so because of revenge and wanting the other family to hurt as much as I am hurting. I'm being extremely honest here. I wouldn't say that I would want the best for the other BS, etc.. nope, no noble reasons for me other than revenge. Maybe you think revenge, but what happens if your husband finds out on his own. i have been following this forum and others for years, Know what I found out? You don't tell, but the spouse finds out..maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but somewhere down the line the poster that didn't tell comes back asking for help..because they were found out. Then they are in a world of hurt wishing they had told the truth or confessed because now they have a snowball's chance in hell of recovering their marriage. You are kidding yourself and filled with pure foggy thinking if you believe you are protecting your husband and the OM's family. But go right ahead. Keep it to yourself and I guarantee you as sure as the sun comes up tomorrow..you will regret this decision in the long run. You don't have to believe me or even pay attention to what I am telling you. But at least you were warned SoulStorm Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Her rationalization is she is protecting her H and the MM's family. The truth is she is only protecting herself and what could happen to her. She said she wouldn't want the MM's wife to show up at work looking for her. It's all about not letting all the dirt out.....yet. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Sounds like you have made your decisions about your situation, I wish you good luck in the rest of your life, you are not a bad person, just someone who has gone horribly astray. Do not ever tell anyone you made a mistake, for what you have done was not a mistake, everything you have done, was done with intent and cunning, and the full knowledge that you could very well cause your H., the greatest pain he will ever experience. One last thing, to tell the other BS, is not a revenge thing, she never hurt you in any way shape or form, she deserves to know cuz it is the RIGHT AND PROPER thing to do, to let her know what kind of slime she has for a H., and therefore to make an informed decision on how to proceed with her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jany Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Bentnotbroken: You are absolutely right. It is about protecting myself. I'm selfish... People in A are selfish individuals who care only about their needs. I have never claim otherwise. It's basically I don't want to stir up trouble for me, my family or his family. JNJ: I would not consider what I done a a mistake. I knew what I was doing.. I wasn't drunk or high. Would I wish that it never happened? Till this day, I don't know. Do I intend to hurt my husband? Not all all. Did I ended up hurting him? Yes. In terms of the other BS, I truly don't care about her. It sounds really harsh but I have yet to meet a OM/OW who cares about the other BS. AS I mentioned earlier to bentnotbroken, people who has A are selfish individual. I am being 100% honest here. If I ever want to let the BS knows about my A with her husband, it's definitely not because I care about her or want her to know what an a%%hole her husband is. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I ended my affiar last fall and neither myself or the OW told our spouses. While I appreciate the honesty thread, it will just ending up hurting both families, spouses and children included. Honesty is usually best, but being honest here when things are over does nothing but hurt people. Are there any spouses who were told who were glad they were told? I bet most would rather not have know. You cannot unring that bell. Your whacked if you believe BSs do not want to know. Haven't you been doing any reading on this stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 3+ years later - You betcha! It's in the past. Don't you think that after that many years & if a marriage is repaired &/or on its way to being repaired - Ya both can look back & chuckle just a smidge at the irony of the whole situation that revolved around the affair in the first place? In my personal situation - I do & my husband does too. We try not to be debbie downers about life. If you dwell on everything bad in life - You can't move forward. What irony? You guys sound messed up, chuckling about cheating and treating it like no big deal. Do you two have any attachment for each other? Sounds like something out of Jerry Springer "yep, we all sit around chucklin about the "irony" of ma's affair". Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Maybe you think revenge, but what happens if your husband finds out on his own. i have been following this forum and others for years, Know what I found out? You don't tell, but the spouse finds out..maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but somewhere down the line the poster that didn't tell comes back asking for help..because they were found out. Then they are in a world of hurt wishing they had told the truth or confessed because now they have a snowball's chance in hell of recovering their marriage. You are kidding yourself and filled with pure foggy thinking if you believe you are protecting your husband and the OM's family. But go right ahead. Keep it to yourself and I guarantee you as sure as the sun comes up tomorrow..you will regret this decision in the long run. You don't have to believe me or even pay attention to what I am telling you. But at least you were warned SoulStorm I am all for telling as I think the other BS has a right to know. But, a couple studies I read found that, in fact, most infidelity does go undetected. A really large percentage of folks are never found out. Just a little info. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I am all for telling as I think the other BS has a right to know. But, a couple studies I read found that, in fact, most infidelity does go undetected. A really large percentage of folks are never found out. Just a little info. Thanks for the info. I am just speaking from what I've witnessed Link to post Share on other sites
hurtinguy Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I don't know what to think on this one. I'm afraid I will be in this boat shortly myself unfortunately. I don't know the OM's wife, but I do know most of his family. They are a pretty rough crew. This OM is a habitual cheater. I know one of MW's friends that he was doing for quite a while. He is a very good liar, he has been doing it for years. I can't believe his wife hasn't caught on to him after all this time. Maybe she does know, and just ignores it? But if I do go to her and tell her after I get my evidense, it will be proof possitive so there will be no question or lie he could tell to get out of it. Some times I think of it as "You ruined my life, why shouldn't I ruin yours?" But at the same time, I think of how much I hate conflict and just want to let things go and keep them as uncomplicated as possible. I know this post was no help to your question, but I just had to let some feelings out. Link to post Share on other sites
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