So heart broken!

[broken hearted]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5 this July. We are highschool sweethearts, he is the love of my life and I thought I was the love of his. We have a 2 year old child together and I am 7 months pregnant with our second. In February, my husband unleashed a bomb on me and told me he had so much anger towards me that he needed some space and began staying at his parents. I had no clue this was coming and still to this day wonder how I missed the signs. He came home for about 2 or 3 weeks in March after 5 weeks of couples counseling. During that time, we were making love again and he was telling me he loved me. He did spend lots of evenings at his friends house to help sugar (we make lots of maple syrup where I live) and would come home late and spend close to no time with me. He still held the things I've done in the past over my head daily and told me he was still having a hard time forgetting. During this time, he even told me that it was all about him right then and that my feelings didn't matter to him. He is hurt and upset with me that in the past I have had a hard time accepting that he had such an extensive sexual history while he is the only one I've been with. He feels as though I have been very controlling during our relationship and that I've said some very hurtful things. I take full responsibility for all of the horrible things I've said and the mistakes I've made. The truth is that I needed to understand that my unhappiness wasn't with him but rather with myself. I've learned that you can't love effectively until you love yourself. My husband walking away has been the biggest wake up call and the most life changing experience that I think I will ever have. I have done so much self reflecting, so much healing, so much growing up, and so much changing for the better since that day. I am truly a different person than I was 6 months ago. He tells me what he wants out of a wife and what he wants out of our marriage and I am 100% confident that I am that person and ready to give him that because I want the exact same things. He is still living with his parents and going to individual counseling to help him heal from the hurt and learn how to forgive and trust me again. I am so confused, he tells me that he doesn't want a divorce and that he wants to come home but his actions are the polar opposite. He is so cold and distant and says he loves me but he doesn't want to say it right now. He says he doesn't want to get hurt again and I know that I will never hurt him again...I know this! He keeps telling me that he doesn't want a divorce, he wants to come home but he doesn't know if he can forgive and trust me again not to hurt him. I'm so confused...HELP!!! I love this man beyond what any words can describe and if he could have effectively communicated his feelings to me along the way, it never would have had to come to this!!

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand his mistrust of you? All because he's had more sexual experience than you? Honestly, and I hate to say this, but is it possible he's met someone else and is throwing his anger towards you to throw you off? This just doesn't make sense.. Plus, you two have done counselling so one would think that his anger would be resolved, that he's forgiven you and working with you, instead of against you.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, having one child and another one on the way isn't easy to begin with, so hopefully he'll wake up and start putting you first abit more as well, work on his anger and not leave you holding the bag (with the kid and being pregnant.) . I don't know too many men who would leave their pregnant wives during this time..

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

This is very strange. He is blaming you for all his pain but more than likely it is not your fault. He is feeling guilty about something, and I'll bet there is more than sugaring going on at the maple syrup factory.

 

Please try turning your radar on and get to the bottom of things. I know you have alot going on so your first priority is your health and the babies but as soon as you can, you really need to dig deeper into this, and not into what you need to change about you to get him to come back.

[Queen of Hearts]

I don't understand his mistrust of you? All because he's had more sexual experience than you?

 

If she has nagged him relentlessly for the past 11 years about the same thing over and over and over again, I can see why he would mistrust her.

[hopesndreams]

Keep making those positive changes within yourself while you distance yourself from him. Do limited contact until he comes out of his confusion. Stop talking to him about him and start moving on with your life without him. This is for appearances only of course, but he doesn't need to know that. Be kind, civil, etc but do not let him know a whole heck of a lot about what is going on in your mind and what is going on in your business. He needs to get interested in you again and the only way to do that is for you to give him space. He may come round then because he'll be curious what you are up to, and then work from there, but do it slowly. Don't rush him, don't ask him about the relationship, give him space and time. He's waffling. Wafflers need plenty of space, otherwise they feel railroaded and will distance themselves further from you. You want to draw him in not push him away further.

 

I hate to have to add this, but, there could be someone else in the picture. This will add to his confusion big time, if it is true, and you will have quite the struggle to get him back, and in the end, it may not even be worth the effort. Be prepared, get the facts.

[broken hearted]

At first, I was so confused by this that I kept asking him if I was missing something because it didn't make sense to me. Way back at the beginning of our relationship, he did kiss someone else at a party and called me first thing the next morning to tell me. We were very young and he begged for my forgiveness and trust back telling me that it would never happen again. I realized he made a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again so I forgave him. He believes that I never forgave him for this and that I held it over his head, which I don't entirely agree with. I know it sounds crazy to some but I truly, in my heart, don't believe that he would ever cheat again. I have asked him if there was someone else because this all just doesn't make sense to me. This just makes him angry that I would even ask and thinks that I am still holding the past over his head when I ask him that. We sat down for a couple hours last night because I am just so confused and don't know what to do...we have a baby coming in 2 months! He still keeps saying that he doesn't want a divorce and he wants to come home but doesn't know if he can trust me not to hurt him again and go back to my old ways. It's hard to do the distance thing because of our 2 year old. I don't know which direction to go on that situation either. He thinks it's his right to see his son and I agree but I also believe that this is his choice to be away right now and when you make that choice to leave home, you are leaving everything that belongs there. He wants to come here every night when he gets off from work to pick up our son and take him to his parent's house for dinner and bring him back home for bed. I am off from work for the summer and this leaves me to be alone for dinner every night. I don't want to deprive our son from seeing his father because he needs to see him. My husband also told my brother that he had seen a doctor and the doctor had given him an anti-depressant. My husband has not told me about this so I only know because of my brother's concern.

[broken hearted]

My husband's parents live 1/4 mile from our house and if you drive by their house, you can see his truck there so I know he is there when he says. As far as the sugaring thing that I mentioned above, I do believe that he really was there because this has always been a passion of his and I used to go with him but because of our son, someone had to stay home with him when he went to bed.

[Biggie25x]

Something doesn't sound right here. He is mad about somethings that happened a long time ago. These are things that a normal person would have gotten over.

 

I agree with the above post about there being something else going on. It almost sounds like he is guilty about something and is trying to justify something he did with misdirected anger toward you. This is classic cheater behavior.

 

This may not be going on or it may. One way or another you need to protect yourself. He is acting this way with a wife that is 2 months pregnant and this seems like very immature behavior.

 

It does sound like he is directing anger toward you. One poster told me when I was going through my split that you need to believe nothing that a spouse says to you in this situation. They are bringing up things and making you feel a certain way to justify their decision to leave and to protect themselves.

 

That way they can convince themselves that they are not the type of person to do this to another. This is very selfish behavior but it is what it is. You need to start worrying about yourself and your children because it sounds like he doesn't have your best interests at heart. He has his.

 

Take a look and search about doing a 180. This may help and while it has helped others it hasn't helped me. Don't give in and let him walk all over you though no matter how much you may think it's the right decision. It's not. Stand up for yourself and don't let him make you a doormat.

 

Keep your chin up, keep posting here and take care of yourself. The people here have great advice and can help you through this. Talk to your family and let them help. Take care of yourself and take care of your heart. No one else has that power.

[broken hearted]

Someone please help, give me more advice! He is the love of my life and he just keeps saying how hurt he is. I know this will never happen again, how do I make him understand that he can trust me again if he won't spend time with me. He's got so much anger and resentment built up from holding it all in all these years that I'm scared that's all he can see right now and can't truly see everything that he stands to lose if he walked away for good. We found out I was pregnant in December, about a week after that, he told me he didn't want me to go back to work and that he wanted me to stay home full time with the kids, about a week after that, he went for about an hour ride with one of his friends to talk about how unhappy he was with me and that he couldn't talk to me about it because he was scared I would turn it all around on him. He didn't speak to me about anything until about a week after he spoke to his friend so I was clueless. It was an immediate wake up call for me and I immediately began changing my ways and working on myself but each time I tried to show him how much I loved him or made efforts, it just seemed to upset him more because I hadn't done the best job of expressing it in the past.

[Biggie25x]

There is no magic words to fix this. It will work itself out or it won't. Gunny has great advice and I thought my ex was the love of my life too. They are not though. There are others. You were whole before you met and you can be whole after too.

[hopesndreams]

You need to show him someone who is in control. Someone who demands respect and isn't a doormat. You are not a dog, you do not roll over, play tricks and bark on demand. He needs to snap out of this confusion of his and the best way to do that is by giving him space. Nothing else will work! You two can talk over and over about how much you've changed and he will come back if he can trust you. This can go on for however long he wants it to! You have no control over him, only yourself. Put yourself and your kids first and put him on the back burner for now because he needs to get his act together.

 

Tell him you want to have your son with you for a few dinners a week and have him NOT come over. What does your H do on weekends? Compromise, let him have him on a Saturday or Sunday for the whole day and he gives you a few days without seeing his mug and having to deal with him.

 

You are under a tremendous amount of stress and he just doesn't care about that right now. He is only caring about himself! That's why there could be another woman involved, he is being incredibly selfish and isn't able to juggle both of you so he is heaping loads of blame on you and taking none of it himself. Everything that he is doing to you and your family is cruel. He is so far from perfect. Stop blaming yourself for everything because as long as you do, he has you just where he wants you.

[broken hearted]

It just doesn't make any sense to me! I married my husband until the day I died and I vowed in front of our friends and family to stick by him through sickness and in health and good times and in bad. I thought he vowed to do the same thing. I know marriages take work and I know they have their ups and downs and I truly truly thought he thought the same way. I just don't know how to stop this emotional rollercoaster I am on. I wake up every morning without the love of my life by my side, I am so emotional and I am desperately worried how the stress of all of this is affecting the baby I'm carrying (7 months pregnant). This is so out of character from who my husband is and so far from the person I have spent every day with for the last 11 years that I still think I am missing something. I know it sounds crazy but I don't think he is having an affair or that there is anyone else. I think his psychological state is too off to even think of that right now. He is so angry that I just don't know what to do! My husband just called me while I was typing this and told me that he doesn't know how to forget the fact that I held onto a lot of things from his past. He wants to but doesn't know how and doesn't know if he can. Somebody help, I think he is making a huge mistake by doing this and putting so much distance between us. Everytime he talks to me, he just gets so angry and tells me how hurt he is and that things in the past should have never happened. How do I make him realize I know all of this, I have grown tremendously in the past couple months and I am finally happy with myself and able to be the wife that he dreams of. Help, if he walks away for good, he will be walking away from everything he wants in a wife!

[hopesndreams]

How do I make him realize I know all of this, I have grown tremendously in the past couple months and I am finally happy with myself and able to be the wife that he dreams of. Help, if he walks away for good, he will be walking away from everything he wants in a wife!

 

Let go. You have said all you have to say, you have made all your feelings known to him. The rehashing of this will destroy whatever there is left to save. You must realize this. Back off from him, do not take his calls and if you do, talk about your son and the baby that will come into this world in a few short months. That's it! Give him an idea of what life will be like without you. The biggest change that would make the biggest impact to him is that you are a strong, capable woman and mother.

[broken hearted]

I don't even know how to begin to let go of him. He has been in my life since I was 16 years old. I truly thought that I would be with him for the rest of my life and I pray everyday that I still will. I'm scared he's already checked out and he's just playing games with me. This is so so so so completely out of character for him. He has been a part of my family for so long and they are just shocked, stunned, and outraged at his actions right now. Obviously they are biased but they also agree that this is not him. I spoke with his cousin the other day, someone we are both very close with, and she also is worried about his psychological state and wonders if some sort of mental illness is going on. I just love him so much and don't want to let go because I do feel this is completely salvagable. I have read tons and have tried the minimal contact thing and to be happy and cheery when I see him and to make him see what he's missing but I'm just an emotional wreck that I last only a couple of days doing that before I breakdown again.

[hopesndreams]

Your marriage can be salvaged. I'm not saying to give up all hope. When you let go it is a way for him to find you and if he doesn't find you, you have made a step in the right direction to cope with whatever happens.

 

If he truly is mentally ill and is on medication, you still need to take a step back. He knows you are there for him and love him and want the marriage to work. He will come back on his own accord or will not. You have done all there is to do now and the ball is in his court.

[1Angel]

I'm still not seeing what you did to him was so awful. Is he blaming you or are you blaming yourself for the separation? You can't force him to come back to you, you care for him deeply yet the rest is up to him. Take care of yourself while you are pregnant. It's commendable you went to counseling.

[broken hearted]

Gosh, I miss my husband and I miss being a family! This distance is killing me. I have so much emotion about the situation that I find it hard to talk about it to anyone without breaking down. My husband called me twice today from work. He can't seem to understand why I could think that something more is going on than he is telling me or that he might be seeing someone. He just views that as if I never trusted him again after he made a mistake 10 years ago. He also said he didn't feel loved here and that I didn't tell him or show him how much I loved him so he can't believe that I truly feel the way that I am telling him that I do. Does it make sense to go NC if he thinks I didn't show or tell him enough in the past how much he means to me? I'm trying, I really am to get myself together but all I want is for my husband to come home, for us to be in eachother's arms again, and for this nightmare to be over!!

[mommaofone]

I have to agree that I think that something else is goingon here. If you ask ou need to take care of yourself and your children right now and let him work this out for himself. If he says that he wants to come home, but refuses to actually do so, I think that you might want to dig a little deeper into what he is really doing. Just because his truck is at his parents does not mean that he is actually there.

 

Good luck and I m sorry that you are hurting.

[broken hearted]

I couldn't sleep at all last night! I just laid awake thinking about my husband, how much I miss him, how much I want him to come home, and how much I want to move past this nightmare. I simply just can't see why he can't move past the things that I have said and done in the past. My heart breaks everytime I look at a picture of the two of us or everytime I look at my son, knowing that there is no need for this to be happening and no need for our son to be going through this. I understand where I went wrong and what I need to do differently, I don't need to be tortured day in and day out, there's simply no more that I can realize, I have already realized it all. I know everyone keeps saying that there's something more and someone else may be involved but my heart says he would tell me if there was and my heart says he's not the man to do that. Although, I didn't think he was the man to be doing 1/2 the things he's doing right now. I love and miss him more than words could ever explain. I had to go see one of my friends last night because I was so upset and emotional and I just had to breakdown and cry. She is my husband's cousin and is very close with both of us. She has talked to both of us about this and is just as confused as I am about why this is still going on and why he hasn't come home yet. She can't understand what I did that was so horrible that can't be forgiven and left in the past. I'm praying for a miracle at this point!

[seibert253]

If your husband isn't seeing someone else, and based upon what you've told us I'm not convinced he is, he is just very confused. How old is your husband. Many men go through the mid life crisis which is full of confusion.

Sounds like he loves you, knows what's right is to be with his family, but he has another force pulling him in another direction.

One thing I can tell you, the more you pursue, the farther he will run. The best thing you can do is put distance between you and let time work for you. It will be very, very hard, but distance makes the heart grow fonder.

He's my advise to you;

Go LC with him. Discuss nothing but the kids and finances

Don't answer his calls or texts right away. I would make him call you three or four times before I returned calls

Start IC counseling for yourself

Surround yourself with friends and family to get through this. You CANNOT go it alone.

 

He needs to see you "getting over him", and see you moving on. This will help snap him back to reality.

Good Luck and God Bless

[Ariadne]

been together for 11 years

highschool sweethearts

2 year old child together

7 months pregnant

 

come here every night when he gets off from work

pick up our son and take him to his parent's house for dinner

 

Hi broken,

 

Sorry about that situation, I imagine it must be tough to be expecting a child and dealing with this.

 

My take from your posts, is that he is overwhelmed with the responsibilities.

 

He never had a time to play, it was almost as if he had to grow up and become a man in highschool.

 

And now with two children he is just running scared.

 

That's why he comes to pick up the child and take him to his parent's house for dinner.

 

He wants to be taken care of, to be the child, and that's why he is depressed.

 

Just try and be understanding, all of this is too much, he feels responsible financially for the four of you and it is a difficult situation to be in.

 

That's also why he says he doesn't want a divorce. He is probably very happy with you (but finding excuses to pick on you to run to his parents) but life has gotten too tough for him, especially with a baby coming.

 

My take.

 

Good luck.

[broken hearted]

Thanks for the replies! My husband will be 28 in just a couple of months. The whole idea of him being overwhelmed with everything does make sense to me but I have a hard time getting around all the things he keeps telling me I've done and how horrible I've been. While I know I've made mistakes and needed to do some growing up and some work on myself, I don't believe that I have done anything to justify his actions right now...especially for it to still be going on 4.5 months later. I just can't seem to get around how completely out of character this is for him. He really and truly is an amazing amazing man and his actions aren't showing that right now.

[Ariadne]

all the things he keeps telling me I've done

going on 4.5 months later

completely out of character

 

Well,

 

My impression is that he is looking for things to run away.

 

Kind of like.. remember that one time when you did this? Ok, I can't live with you, I have to go to my parents'.

 

Give him time to adjust to the new baby. He is probably going to be as in love with it as he is with the first child.

 

It's tough, especially with this economy to think of raising a family.

 

He took a lot of responsibility very early on. Sound like he just needs a break.

 

Hope things get better for you, and congratulations on your baby.

[broken hearted]

I really stink at this minimal contact thing. He calls, I answer, I call, he answers! He is being so immature! He just came home to pick up our son and bring him to a party that we were all invited to. He told me he didn't want me to go and that he was going to tell people I was home not feeling well or shopping with my mom...how immature is that? I know I shouldn't let him do this bc I was invited but this is for someone that he works with and I would not have been invited had I not been married to my husband. He also just keeps saying that he's not ready to come home, he doesn't know how to trust me again and doesn't know how to believe that I really love him bc of things I've done. He swears there is no one else and I do truly believe him. He also said his mother wants me to come up for Father's Day Brunch tomorrow at their house...how confusing is all of this? I want him to snap out of this and come home. I think it's ridiculous that he keeps saying he isn't home yet because he doesn't believe I won't do this again and he doesn't believe I really love him.

[Ariadne]

I was invited but this is for someone that he works with and I would not have been invited had I not been married to my husband.

 

Well,

 

Things are not going very well between you two, being separated and all of that.

 

Work reunions are already stressful enough, and to bring you, given the circumstances, would have been even more tense.

 

I hope he comes around. I think he will, especially with the arrival of the baby.

 

Good luck to you and have fun tomorrow.

 

(Seems like the in-laws are on your side too and want you two together).