So heart broken!

[Gunny376]

Hi broken,

 

Sorry about that situation, I imagine it must be tough to be expecting a child and dealing with this.

 

My take from your posts, is that he is overwhelmed with the responsibilities.

 

He never had a time to play, it was almost as if he had to grow up and become a man in high school.

 

And now with two children he is just running scared.

 

That's why he comes to pick up the child and take him to his parent's house for dinner.

 

He wants to be taken care of, to be the child, and that's why he is depressed.

 

Just try and be understanding, all of this is too much, he feels responsible financially for the four of you and it is a difficult situation to be in.

 

That's also why he says he doesn't want a divorce. He is probably very happy with you (but finding excuses to pick on you to run to his parents) but life has gotten too tough for him, especially with a baby coming.

 

My take.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree the stress of being head of the household so to speak? Can be pretty grueling and tough!

 

He's 'caving' from stress, and is going back to his 'comfort zone' ~ he's gong back to the 'back forty' for sometime alone.

 

Just leave him alone, go NC, and I mean really leave him alone! Don't call him, don't text him, don't e-mail him unless you really have to.

 

Just leave him the Hell alone!

 

Let him go, and don't try and fix him nor anything!

 

When women are stressed out? They go to other women and talk it out!

 

When men are stressed out? They withdraw and "cave" into their own little caves and worlds. ALONE!

 

Shutting any and everyone else out!

 

Women can't and do not understand this?

 

This goes against the very nature of women being women!

 

Women are all about relationships ~ men are all about solitude.

 

And it drives them nuts!

 

Your DH is in need of some alone time. Some sitting by the fireside, spitting whiskey into the fire, alone with a good and faithful dog time.

 

In fact? Probably the best thing you could do for him? Would be to buy him a Scottish Shepherd or Austrian Shepherd puppy to take with him on the back forty?

 

Tell him to get out out of your face AND to go be be a man, do your man thing for however long it takes! And when your done? Come back to me!

 

Your problem is simple!

 

Your an Alpha-Female married to an Alpha Male!

 

You need to let him experience his true nature!

 

Let him be an Alphamale!

 

Back off and go NC, and let him be a "Man" and I believe he will come back to you?

 

Mainly because he's not going to find anyone that has the knowledge/ wisdom/ experience" that you're gettting here!

[broken hearted]

This is going to be a horrible day! Today is my 27th birthday and I woke up without the person that I have spent my last 11 birthdays with. I am a wreck this morning and can't keep it together. I literally look at my husband and he is a stranger to me, I don't know who he is right now, this is not the man I have spent so much of my life loving! Last night, I woke up to about 5 contractions in a row (7 months pregnant). I called my husband to talk to him about it because I was so scared. 7 months is way too early for this baby to be born! His response was, go to sleep and call me if they get worse. First of all, the man I married wouldn't be away from his home right now, and second, the man I married would have flown down to our house to check on me/be with me while I was going through those contractions. I expected at least a call this morning to make sure everything was ok but...no call.

 

Yesterday I went to his parent's house for brunch for Father's Day where his uncle and Grandfather were as well. I'm starting to think that the only reason I was invited was so that my husband didn't have to explain anything. No one but our immediate families, and 2 close friends know that my husband is staying at his parent's house right now. I'm thinking that he didn't want the rest of the family know anything and that's why I was invited.

 

I'm at such a loss, I am so hurt. This man is not my husband and it literally kills me. I love him so much and I just want my husband back. I just want my son's father back!

[Derek12b]

Hey Broken Hearted. I know what your going through and feel the same way about my wife as you do about your husband. My wife has been gone for 4 months with no sign of returning and its murder on me and the kids. I'm here for you if you wanna write me or just check out my thread.

Its raining here and I'm looking at both of my girls sleeping and my heart goes out to them and your situation. I know how hard it is and how much this community of people can help. I know its hard but you have to keep your head up and keep moving forward. Its more then hard...its almost impossible. I can't set here and tell you theres a cure for your situation or mine. The only thing that makes it better is TIME. Don't call him. Don't answere his calls. Let him think. This is my new plan with my wife because talking to her KILLS ME. I think she does it on purpose. Its how they keep you hanging on. Don't satisify their emotional needs...satisfy yours.

Honestly...don't hesitate to write me.

[Ariadne]

This is going to be a horrible day! Today is my 27th birthday and I woke up without the person that I have spent my last 11 birthdays with.

 

I'm so sorry about that (and about the scary contractions).

 

It seems like you never had to experience some serious hearbreak, since things moved smoothly for you since HS.

 

And too bad that you have to experience this when you are 7 months pregnant, which makes it even harder.

 

But even though you are new to heartache, and it's really awful, here in the board there are tons of people in your situation.

 

You can read this thread if it's any consolation and you'll find people expressing the same sentiments you have.

 

I really hope things turn around for you.

 

Best wishes and Happy Birthday.

[sinatra]

Happy Birthday! Hang in there Broken Hearted, you will get through this. Try to not beat yourself up too much on how you handle the situation. It's a very hard thing and you're still very raw right now. It will get better, just try and stay LC or NC as much as possible and make sure you're building your support system always.

 

Everyone is here for you.

[Gunny376]

This is going to be a horrible day! Today is my 27th birthday and I woke up without the person that I have spent my last 11 birthdays with. I am a wreck this morning and can't keep it together. I literally look at my husband and he is a stranger to me, I don't know who he is right now, this is not the man I have spent so much of my life loving! Last night, I woke up to about 5 contractions in a row (7 months pregnant). I called my husband to talk to him about it because I was so scared. 7 months is way too early for this baby to be born! His response was, go to sleep and call me if they get worse. First of all, the man I married wouldn't be away from his home right now, and second, the man I married would have flown down to our house to check on me/be with me while I was going through those contractions. I expected at least a call this morning to make sure everything was ok but...no call.

 

Yesterday I went to his parent's house for brunch for Father's Day where his uncle and Grandfather were as well. I'm starting to think that the only reason I was invited was so that my husband didn't have to explain anything. No one but our immediate families, and 2 close friends know that my husband is staying at his parent's house right now. I'm thinking that he didn't want the rest of the family know anything and that's why I was invited.

 

I'm at such a loss, I am so hurt. This man is not my husband and it literally kills me. I love him so much and I just want my husband back. I just want my son's father back!

 

Damned Allergies ~ always make my eyes tear up!

[broken hearted]

Gosh, I'm sorry everyone but this is a horrible, horrible day for me!! I can't keep it together! I'm trying to take care of my son and play with him today and all I can think about is my husband and how much of a stranger he is right now! My heart is literally broken in millions of pieces and I am terrified that if my husband doesn't come back that I will never recover. I can't even believe the way he is treating me and this marriage right now and still saying he wants to come home but isn't ready yet. I just want to shake him and say, "what the hell are you doing?" I never knew I could experience such pain from the person who has always given me such bliss. It just all makes no sense to me! I appreciate everybodys advice so much and I am really trying to follow it but it's so hard. My husband has always been there to tell me everything was going to be okay and to hold me when I was hurting but now it's like my husband doesn't exist and something else has taken over him. My husband is the love of my life but I simply don't know where he is right now! Please believe me everyone, I am trying to not contact him. He called my cell 8 times yesterday in about a 25 minute period because I wasn't answering. Yesterday when I got off the phone with him he said, "I love you, bye". He hasn't said I love you for a long time and this time I didn't even say it first. I just can't figure out what the hell is going on in his head and what the hell he's doing if he loves me and wants to come home.

[hopesndreams]

Keep the limited contact and do not initiate contact with him. Let him be the one that calls, and do not rush to answer the phone, and already there is a bit of success with that. He says he loves you, that's very good, but do keep with the plan otherwise you'll be back where you started.

[broken hearted]

I am an absolute wreck tonight! I just called my friend and literally sobbed for 30 minutes. This roller coaster is a complete nightmare. Today is my birthday and my husband had individual counseling tonight and told me he would be stopping by after to wish me a happy birthday. He called when he got out of counseling and literally started screaming and swearing at me. He told me this relationship had two directions, either we go to counseling for months and it's months before he's home or we divorce. WHAT!?!? Yesterday he told me he loved me and had thought about coming home but wasn't ready yet. Everytime he goes to this counselor he comes home saying the relationship has the above two options and then every other day of the week he tells me he doesn't want a divorce and is simply just not ready to come home yet. I love my husband more than words could express but this person is not my husband right now. It makes me feel slightly better when I post here so that's why every other posted reply in this thread is from me...sorry guys!

[tojaz]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROKEN HEARTED

 

You can get through this. Show him that the hot and cold routine is not acceptable to you. If he calls you like that again. Screaming etc. Just tell him the conversation is over and good bye. Nobody deserves to be treated like that , especialy on their B-Day. If he calls and it's going well, then enjoy it, but when it starts to go south, just shut it down. I know it's hard (I'm not very good a taking my own advice) but it puts you in control of how your treated, and will send a very clear message to him. If the communication isn't healthy for both of you, call it a day.

 

Happy B-day again TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Are you absolutely, positively sure there is no one else in the picture? I know you went all through this already and I hate to have to bring it up...but this just screams to me there is someone else. I hope to be wrong, really do. But anyway, he hasn't admitted to it, because it isn't happening, or hasn't admitted it because he's a selfish coward. OK, moving on.

 

He has no right to treat you that way. Why was he able to scream and swear at you on your birthday? He can because he has no respect for you. Until he can get that respect back for you, he will not come home. Respect precedes love. Next time he treats you like garbage, tell him to STOP and remove yourself from the situation. Whether that's hanging up the phone or showing him the door. DO NOT let him bully you with promises of a future together if you do this or that. There will come a point in time when you will have had enough and when that time comes, tell him it's over. When you are strong enough, tell him YOU have had enough and unless he comes home, you are finished with him. Not saying this is happening tomorrow or next month but all your energy is being wasted on this man when you have a child and are pregnant and all your strengths are being sapped by his treatment of you. The last thing you need is him hanging around, stringing you along when your new baby comes into this world.

 

You and your children need to be the priority in your life and sadly, it's not the priority in his. He is only caring about himself, his selfish wants and desires, his confusion being blamed on you and on something you did, years ago, it's just nonsense, and until he gets his head out of his azz, start shutting down your feelings toward him and envision life without him.

 

He will notice the positive changes in you when you start taking control. He is looking on you as being weak so prove him otherwise.

[willing]

He still held the things I've done in the past over my head daily and told me he was still having a hard time forgetting. During this time, he even told me that it was all about him right then and that my feelings didn't matter to him. He is hurt and upset with me that in the past I have had a hard time accepting that he had such an extensive sexual history while he is the only one I've been with. He feels as though I have been very controlling during our relationship and that I've said some very hurtful things.

 

I have been through the same as you outlined above, with my H when it turned out much later that he was cheating on me...

 

Honestly, I am pretty sure your H is cheating on you, based on his reactions and behavior with you.

 

You must find out if he is, since what you don't know about, you have no say/influence over.

Also, his reaction to your suggestion that he has someone on the side, sounds just like a guilty reaction to me.

 

I feel sorry for you, I really do... I have been through this many times with my cheating H.

 

You must start looking into cell phone usage (look online for the history), bank statements, and computer history/email accounts etc more likely than not he is having an affair with someone at his work, or somewhere convenient (next door his parents home?!), and is communicating via cell phone/texts/emails.

Start looking into it. There can be no other explanation. Honestly... been there, recognize the same signs...

[broken hearted]

I cannot look at cell phone history because his phone is paid for through his work, he doesn't get texting on his phone because work won't allow it. I can't check any sort of computer history because he doesn't use our computer and I don't go to his parent's house. My heart truly says he's not cheating but I also have no idea who this person that I used to call my husband is. He keeps saying that he told me over and over to stop bringing his past up and that I never stopped and he doesn't know if he can trust me again. If nothing else is going on with him that I am missing, I really think he is making a big mistake. I know everyone always says this but this really isn't supposed to be happening to us. We have always had the kind of love that dreams are made of and everyone always wanted what we had. I miss and love my husband so much but I hate the person he is right now.

[broken hearted]

I am such a wreck! I really think I need some sort of medication to help me get through this but because I am pregnant, I refuse to even go that route, not knowing how it will affect the baby. Life is way too short to be holding grudges and to be away from those you love so much! My cousin, who my husband and I both graduated high school with, was murdered two years ago at the age of 25...literally here one day, and was in the wrong place at the wrong time the next, taking her away forever! It breaks my heart because anything can happen at any moment and you can never take back the days you hurt someone else. I'm sorry everybody, I had a really really rough night last night and I think today is going to be just as horrible! I am trying so hard to be strong for my children but I have never felt pain so intense!

[willing]

((((((((((((BrokenHearted)))))))))) I hear your pain and confusion and your love for this man.

Sorry he is blaming you for something you have absolutely no control over any more -- your actions and words in the past...truly truly, I believe he is just using your past actions as *an excuse* to create distance from you, to allow him to not deal with his own guilt at what he is hiding from you.

 

None of this makes any sense... EXCEPT if he is in an affair, or has recently broken up with a lover, and feels resentful of you/her/womankind in general.

 

So sorry you still love him with all your heart, yet have no control over what he does to you and your children.

You need to get angry... that gives you the energy to deal with all his crap.

 

He does need to feel the consequences for acting weird, though... step back and try move on without him... this is just 'for show' really, but you have to 'fake it until you make it'... accept that you have NO control over him and his actions and his decisions... and try cut him out of your loving attention... BECAUSE if you chase him, he will run... it's basic human nature.

 

Look after yourself.

You will go through some hell, perhaps you can start counseling for yourself?

[willing]

BrokenHearted, check out these two books... I think you can get some solid help from them..

 

"I need your love -- is that true?" by Byron Katie

 

and

 

"The Five Things We Cannot Change... and the happiness we find by Embracing them" by David Richo

 

At the very least, google them on Amazon, and get to read the first few pages, and see what other people say about the books...

[LisaUk]

Broken, I can tell that you are spiralling out of control, I can only imagine how hard this all is for you. I have just been through a similar (although not as bad) experience. My ex and I were together 18 years form age 15, he left me 15 weeks ago, 10 months before our wedding, with no explanation that made any sense to me. I can apprecaite how you are feeling, as I know what it is like to be with someone so young and for so long. However, you are pregnant and there are hormones adding to your upset and confusion at this point.

 

Firstly, I don't know why your husband is acting like he is. You say he is like a completley different person and wonder if he is going mad. I felt the same way. Truely. My ex behaved and is still behaving completely out of charcater, it was like where has the person I spent 18 years with gone? The day he left I actually told him, "I don't think you are well, you are not being yourself, see the doctor".

 

Secondly, I don't care WHY your husband is acting like he is, it's unacceptable, you are pregnant and you don't need or deserve this c*ap.

 

Thirdly, what have his parents got to say about the fact that he has abondened his family? If he was my son I would have grabbed him by the scruff of his neck by now and marched him home. I don't care if he is scared of his responsibilities and wants to retreat to being a child, YOU have no choice in this, YOU can't stop being a mother or being pregnant. He is not facing up to his responsibilities and being a man. (Yes I know that is very judgemental).

 

Forthly, it doesn't matter why he his doing this, he is being selfish, he has not even considered what effect all this stress is having on you and your unborn child.

 

From my experience I can tell you, you are not going to figure out WHY he is doing this, it's been 15 weeks for me, I still have no answers. What you need to do is take a step back. I know this is easier said then done, I've been there. I know you want to tell him you love him etc, to not do so goes against all that feels natural and right to you. Let me ask you this, where has it gotton you so far? NO WHERE!

 

Next time he calls, tell him that you understand he is upset and angry, that you are willing to try and work things out to save your marriage in MC only, but the stress of all the upset is doing harm to you and your unborn child. Therefore, you only want contact with him during MC. Tell him to take some time to think about it and ask him to call you later to sort out a schedule for seeing his son. When he sees his son, YOU take him to his parents house. Everything MUST be on YOUR TERMS.

 

This is my advice to you, such as it is, I'm no expert, I'm still going through all this s*it myself, all i can do is tell you what didn't work for me and what has resullted in me now being 200 miles away, all the legals done and everything over. I pushed, I begged, I pleaded, I tried to convince, I told him it was a mistake etc etc, all it did was push him further away. I can't garentee my advice will work, but it's the only advice I can give.

 

I wish I was there to support you, I can hear that you need help. Keep posting.

[broken hearted]

My husband came home after work to pick up our son and I asked him about marriage counseling. He said it would take a lot of work before he came home. I asked him if I could call tomorrow and he said we'll see... He just arrived home with our son and I am praying that he agrees to me calling the marriage counselor tomorrow!!!

[Derek12b]

My heart goes out to you. I had the same thing going on a couple of months ago with my wife. I tried and tried to get her to go to counceling and I always hit a brick wall. Its so hard when one wants something the other dosen't. When this was happening to me I just walked out the door and ran....I ran like Forest Gump. I think I wanted to feel the pain and it was the only way I could sleep. I know it dosen't help much but I'm going through the exact same thing as you. It also helps being around a lot of people. I've also found that watching the TV show House helps,lol. Its his views on life that seem to make so much sense right now. I hope you have a good night and if you need someone to talk to write in this thread and I'll check it all night. I'm going out tonight with my buddy I let move in and we're gonna have a drink or two. I'll check it all night long. It also makes me feel so much better knowing someone cares...and I do care.

[Derek12b]

I'm pretty sure I can post in here from my Blackberry but I haven't checked. I don't see why I can't.

[hopesndreams]

You are appearing too needy. Keep in mind, and I'm sure it hasn't left your mind for a moment, he is living with his mum and dad. A grown man, with a pregnant wife and a 2 year old boy that he has abandoned. Sure, he takes the little one over to mum and dads for his mum to feed him and his son dinner and then back he goes to you, you do all the grunt work of caring for a 2 year old, while pregnant...He is being completely irresponsible and can not handle being a husband and father, and with that said, you are making him believe that he has to care for you with your constant questions that he has no answers for. He is incapable of taking care of you and the kids, he doesn't want to do, and he doesn't want to try. That is what he is showing by his actions.

 

You have such glowing reports about him, but you have to see him for what he is. You want him back? Grow a backbone and don't put up with his stringing you along. What have you got to lose? He's already gone and is showing no inclination in the near future to step up and be a man and get back to you and the family.

 

As for MC, he isn't willing to do it and if he does agree...it doesn't bring him back, he has already told you it would take months of long, hard work. He has blamed everything on you for what is happening. He knows you are suffering and does nothing except give you half azz promises of maybe things can work out.

 

He is comfortable where he is. No responsibility at mum and dads, meals made for him, laundry done, his mum even makes his bed. Or, he is doing something else, something he will not come forward with because that makes him the bad guy and not you.

[broken hearted]

The counselor that my husband is seeing asked me to join in on a session a couple of weeks ago to talk about our goals. We both said we didn't want a divorce but my husband stated that he didn't know how to forgive, forget, and trust again. The counselor said that it's not fair to anybody to live in this limbo so a plan needed to be made and moved forward with. My husband went to counseling again last night and said the same thing, we have two options, divorce or go to MC where it will take a while to work through our problems but that it could work. So, when my husband and I were talking about counseling today, he said it would take a lot of work to get things back to where they were. He had been flat out opposed to MC a couple of months ago so the fact that he agreed for me to call and get some names and numbers of counselors is a huge step in my eyes.

[tojaz]

It is a big step, butremember the hot & cold he has been running on you. Me and my wife where going to try MC. We made it right up until the date of the session. Then she told me in an E-mail no less, that she would not be going. I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider, only to find out when we arrived, that she had phoned the counselor and told her that she was unwilling to work on the marriage, and I had forced her to show up, when I hadn't even seen her in days. I don't want to bring you down, but you need to prepare yourself for something like that. It was devastating to me, totally blindsided. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Wish I had something better for you.

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

I hope your doing okay!!!

[broken hearted]

When my husband dropped our son back off at home last night, he brought with him a garden hose that I said I had needed as well as something else that I had mentioned I wanted to get. I said thank you and that I appreciated him picking them up for me. I'm trying to follow everyone's advice but can't seem to figure out his actions...so hot and cold, different each day. At the beginning of the summer, he came home and planted our garden. Prior to him leaving, we had been planning on selling our house and building another. We were finalizing the floor plan about a month before he walked out. After my husband had been gone for a couple of months, a month ago he told me that if we wanted to build a bigger, more expensive home, I may have to find another job with some more hours (I only work part time now and not at all on school vacations or summers). He talks about future plans with me one day and the next, "doesn't know".