Derek12b Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Congrats on the relationship and I hope you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
nowayjose Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Broken Hearted, I empathize with you so deeply, even as a man. I came across your post quite by accident, but was struck with how similar our emotional situations seem. I was so desperate to repair what was broken, I was (am) so in love with this woman... I was with a woman for over 5 years who, like your husband, had a bit of a checkered past. I too "hit her" over the head with her past for the first several years of our relationship. I know this had lasting negative impacts on our relationship. Eventually, earlier this year, it ended (we were engaged). And yes, I recognized my other shortcomings and began to deal with them, and have quite effectively. But it was too late. My "ex" was doing some of the same things your husband seems to be doing. Waffling in terms of what he wants/needs. I do know that what helped her was professional counseling. However, the emotional energy she exhibited towards me for years was completely gone. Like you, I did not see it coming (she first left me last Nov but then came back in early Jan - I ended it right after Valentine's Day). She was secretive about her cell phone, she was very cold towards me, and her words of "I love you" did not fit her actions. I don't know if there was anyone else, but I do know she no longer had the emotional energy to continue with me. She later called me in April to apologize for the way she had treated me, recognizing that I really didn't deserve what she had dished out, and that there was over-reaction by her, brought on by the heightened stress of starting Nursing school (basically, medical school). Starting Nursing school was the worst thing for our relationship. Anyway, back to my thoughts on this. Your husband is a passive-aggressive and needs to be in counseling for sure. Problem is getting him there. He may also have mental illness, perhaps depression. I was on antidepressants for about 45 days but found out these meds have more negatives than positives. Natural, holistic methods to deal with depression work best, I think. The hard part is getting someone to recognize their problem. One other thing you may not want to hear. And I know this is extremely painful, given you are carrying this man's child. But, still, I think I understand some of what is going on because I lived it. Let go. Yes, let go of him. I don't mean you should be abusive or unkind or get a divorce lawyer. Not at all. But, if you have the strength, begin to distance yourself from him and the situation. He needs space and should not be made to feel like he's being smothered. Just let go. Don't call him (but do take his calls) or text or email or check up on him... nothing. Show him you have a life with him or without him! This almost sounds like you don't care, I know, but by doing this you're giving him what he needs right now. Space. You might think what you're trying to do right now shows him you care, but he apparently doesn't think this way, so just consider letting go. He is going to do what he wants anyway and you cannot force him to be something he doesn't have the energy to be. Once your child is born, this may snap him back, I don't know, but if you have a tendency towards a controlling personality, I know for sure you must LET GO! Good luck (I truly hope you get the love of your life back). Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 Thanks for the post Nowayjose but my husband is finally back home! He has been seeing a counselor for about 2 months now and said he needed help forgetting about the past and the things I've done/said. He came home and said we are going to be okay we just need to work on resolving our conflicts in marriage counseling. He said he married me until the day he dies and is in this for life and will never leave another day in his life. We're hoping to start counseling together this week. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 At first, I was so confused by this that I kept asking him if I was missing something because it didn't make sense to me. Way back at the beginning of our relationship, he did kiss someone else at a party and called me first thing the next morning to tell me. We were very young and he begged for my forgiveness and trust back telling me that it would never happen again. I realized he made a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again so I forgave him. He believes that I never forgave him for this and that I held it over his head, which I don't entirely agree with. I know it sounds crazy to some but I truly, in my heart, don't believe that he would ever cheat again. I have asked him if there was someone else because this all just doesn't make sense to me. This just makes him angry that I would even ask and thinks that I am still holding the past over his head when I ask him that. We sat down for a couple hours last night because I am just so confused and don't know what to do...we have a baby coming in 2 months! He still keeps saying that he doesn't want a divorce and he wants to come home but doesn't know if he can trust me not to hurt him again and go back to my old ways. It's hard to do the distance thing because of our 2 year old. I don't know which direction to go on that situation either. He thinks it's his right to see his son and I agree but I also believe that this is his choice to be away right now and when you make that choice to leave home, you are leaving everything that belongs there. He wants to come here every night when he gets off from work to pick up our son and take him to his parent's house for dinner and bring him back home for bed. I am off from work for the summer and this leaves me to be alone for dinner every night. I don't want to deprive our son from seeing his father because he needs to see him. My husband also told my brother that he had seen a doctor and the doctor had given him an anti-depressant. My husband has not told me about this so I only know because of my brother's concern. I think he moved out and he is cheating on you. I am 95% sure. Once a cheater, almost always a cheater. When things are bed and when the road get tough, a cheater will seek comfort from another outside the marriage. It's a character flaw and lack of boundaries. You need to get tested for STD, he is out of the house and probably sleeping with some other woman or women. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks for the post Nowayjose but my husband is finally back home! He has been seeing a counselor for about 2 months now and said he needed help forgetting about the past and the things I've done/said. He came home and said we are going to be okay we just need to work on resolving our conflicts in marriage counseling. He said he married me until the day he dies and is in this for life and will never leave another day in his life. We're hoping to start counseling together this week. This seems like a sign that the affair partner he was seeing got into a fight or something. But, you can bet that they will talk again and the affair will probably resume. I wouldn't be so sure it was just a "kiss" at this party and that those are the only two other women. Get yourself tested. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Thanks for the post Nowayjose but my husband is finally back home! He has been seeing a counselor for about 2 months now and said he needed help forgetting about the past and the things I've done/said. See how twisted that is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 I see how twisted it is now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Ugh, I am so angry with myself for defending my husband to everbody! I mean everybody! I have re-read this thread over from the start and everyone kept telling me that he was having an affair! Everyone kept saying all of his behaviors are classic cheater behaviors! I defended him to you guys! Every other post of mine defends him and says that he is not that type of person, he's not that low, selfish, and insensitive! He had me believing that my actions in the past justified his current actions and the abandonment! I defended him to my family and friends, and even some of his family when they asked if I trusted him or if I thought he was seeing someone else. Ugh, this infuriates me that I was so brainwashed by him and I thought I was the monster and he was the victim! With all of this being said, I still love this man more than I could ever describe! I do realize that there were problems in the marriage that he never expressed, therefore, I/we were never able to address them and work through them! We both emotionally withdrew from eachother and fed off the other one's lack of affection. I STILL LOVE AND MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY! I WOULD GIVE THE WORLD TO HAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY SON'S FATHER BACK IN MY ARMS EVERY NIGHT! I DON'T LIKE THE MAN HE IS CURRENTLY! I PRAY THAT HE WAKES UP AND FINDS HIMSELF AGAIN! My son, myself, and this baby didn't need to be abandoned for me to understand this! I wish more than anything that when people say their vows, they would really listen to them and take them to heart. People should not be allowed to marry unless they are willing to make the effort to work through the rough patches that all marriages go through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 I was so caught up in my love for this man and the man I used to know that I couldn't see that he was capable of such a horrible, selfish act like an affair! I apologize to everyone who tried to make me see the light and recognize the affair! I have learned a huge lesson! You guys really know what you're talking about! Again everyone, I am sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Rule # 1 Thou shalt NOT beat thouselve up! Not allowed! I'm going to be all over you if I catch you doing this! Have you ever had a PO'd Marine all over your @zz? :mad: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Rule # 2 Get out there and rub a little sunshine on your face! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Smile! Make yourself smile! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Most people are as about as happy as they make their minds up to be! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 You beleive! Whatever the mind can conceve? They believe! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Is weakness leaving the body! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Broken, never aplogize for loving and trusting your H. He is the one that had the affair, you believed the best of him, because you loved him. None of us here ever thought our spouses (or in my cause ex fiance), would treat us and disrespect our histories, the way they have. Gunny- a marine all over your a$$? Well, the language! Really! (sorry, just came across as tiny bit rude there!) Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Gunny- a marine all over your a$$? Well, the language! Really! (sorry, just came across as tiny bit rude there!) But it leaves a very vivid picture in ones mind! Like a pack of rabib half starved pit bulls on a very sick three legged cat coughing up hairballs! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I was so caught up in my love for this man and the man I used to know that I couldn't see that he was capable of such a horrible, selfish act like an affair! I apologize to everyone who tried to make me see the light and recognize the affair! I have learned a huge lesson! You guys really know what you're talking about! Again everyone, I am sorry! Broken, it wasn't what you couldn't see, it is what he wouldn't show you. You loved the man for the right reasons, you honor his memory for the right reasons, for whatever reason, HE CHANGED!! I've been going through something very close to what you are for the last couple of days. So much i couldn't bear to read LS for awhile. I have read all your threads through, you do not deserve to be treated like this, and you surely don't deserve to blame yourself. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Ok, so here's where I'm at the last couple of days... I know it was my husband's choice to walk out and abandon me 6 months ago and I know it was 100% his selfish decision to engage in an affair, however, I can totally understand how I pushed him away and pushed him to a breaking point. After the birth of our son 2.5 years ago, I became depressed and that depression came out as anger and a passive aggressive personality. Looking back, I think I can honestly say that I was down right verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband during this time. Thinking back to some of the things that I have said to him and some of the ways I made him feel, it makes me cry! During this time, I would say horrible things to him and tell him to shut up and tell him that the only reason I was still with him was bc of our son...this was my extremely immature cries for him emotionally and my cries for his help through the depression. Neither one of us knew I was depressed at that time so we didn't know what was going on...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?! I can remember him telling me so many times that he loved me and I wouldn't say it back or him trying to kiss me or hug me and I just pushed him away...OH MY GOSH, I PUSHED HIM SO FAR AWAY!! Although he never verbally expressed his unhappiness to me and allowed me to wake up and address myself and our issues before he walked out, I can now with a clear head and after counseling that I pushed him away and I was the abusive one! He hurt me to the core with his affair and abadoning me and that needs to be addressed before marriage issues can be addressed, if we were to try to reconcile, but how do I get myself past the fact that I helped in making this bed, now I have to lay in it as well? RIGHT NOW, I FEEL LIKE I AM SO MUCH TO BLAME FOR THE SITUATION MY HUSBAND AND I ARE IN RIGHT NOW!! Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 please do not beat yourself up Broken...please! we all have pushed our spouses away at one time or another-- cooking, cleaning, the kids, watching tv...... somebody once posted here, how much work a marriage is..and after a while we become lax and let our marriages go to the way side, while all the other crap in the world took over i.e. bills, jobs, kids, family, just issues.... we all do it...and the problem is, ya, we only realize IT when it is too late... i wanted a second chance with my H, he tried for 3 days...lol...thanks! i know i could have been so much better and worked harder for him for us... but instead of blaming myself..i blame H for walking OUT and NOT giving US another shot..HE gave up... anyway, i am going on about myself..sorry.. i just want you to know you are NOT alone..and please don't blame just yourself...life simply plays a huge roll in what happens to us on a daily basis..and unless we are very sefl aware every second of the day of our marriages, we do take them for granted and well...we slip away from each other..but it takes 2.. i still feel your pain...i still feel the same way you do...its a cruddy guilty feeling, i know, and when you cry the crying is coming from the gut and screaming and reaching out to just air..i know, i still do it..i still go thru the guilt when i recall something i could have or should have done differently... all we can do now, is learn from our mistakes, and pray they come back.. if they don't...we are more prepared for our next relationships? although i really don't see another man any where in MY near future:( Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 That's the thing though, I DON'T WANT ANOTHER MAN! I want my husband back! I want to make these changes and better myself for my husband, not for some other man! I want to put all this effort in for him, not for some other man to benefit from! I guess all I can keep telling myself is, he's a grown man, it's his choice, if he chooses to give up everything he has with me and the kids than there's nothing I can do about it! Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 aww..broken, i wish i could give you a big hug...i feel your pain in your words...and i sooo know that horrible sinking empty feeling...i too just want MY OWN HUSBAND back...that creepy little man..LOL..but i love him...i have a feeling i wiil and can get on with my life...long time from now...but i will...but i think i will always just want my H...i am a firm believer in the convenant of marriage, so i think this is it for me...but who knows right... i do know sure feel the way you do, and hear the desperation and frustration in your words...i really feel IT too:( again, i am so sorry that we are all going thru this...why why why!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 I guess I'm young and naive but I truly truly thought we had the kind of love for eachother that would get us through anything in life...and I mean ANYTHING!! I thought we had the love, devotion, and committment to eachother to handle and conquer anything rough patch or any situation that came our way! DAMN, I WISH I DIDN'T LOVE THIS MAN SO INCREDIBLY MUCH! He was always the one who told me he loved me more than anything, didn't know what he would do without me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wouldn't ever want to be with anyone else, he would do anything for me, I am the love of his life, I'm his angel sent from God, yadda, yadda, yadda! He even thanked my parents one time saying, "thank you so much for my wife, you created the most perfect woman and I'm so thankful she's mine" WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THIS MAN!! Ahh, keep telling yourself that it's the memory of him that you want back, not him in his current state. This person is a stranger, not my husband!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 I guess I'm young and naive but I truly truly thought we had the kind of love for eachother that would get us through anything in life...and I mean ANYTHING!! I thought we had the love, devotion, and committment to eachother to handle and conquer anything rough patch or any situation that came our way! DAMN, I WISH I DIDN'T LOVE THIS MAN SO INCREDIBLY MUCH! He was always the one who told me he loved me more than anything, didn't know what he would do without me, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he wouldn't ever want to be with anyone else, he would do anything for me, I am the love of his life, I'm his angel sent from God, yadda, yadda, yadda! He even thanked my parents one time saying, "thank you so much for my wife, you created the most perfect woman and I'm so thankful she's mine" WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THIS MAN!! Ahh, keep telling yourself that it's the memory of him that you want back, not him in his current state. This person is a stranger, not my husband!!! Broken, I feel your pain. This is my situation. I keep waiting and hoping for my wife to reappear and take the place of the what ever it is that is inhabiting her body. My wife has become the kind of woman she hated most, and loves rubbing my nose in it. Nothing could be more painful. It's like a Trojan horse. I see her, and I see my wife, someone I've shared a perfect love with for thirteen years, the woman who I wanted to grow old with. Even now I can't picture my life without her. Yet inside is a world of heartbreak and pain. Those dead eyes cut right through me and she is more then happy to do it. Every word she speaks is only to cut deeper, so I shy away. What I'm getting at is, you have to look below the surface, strip away the beautiful wrapper and see what now lies underneath. Is that what you love? Is that what you want in your life? Or is it a trap like I have fallen into so many times before? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 We all gotta get off this merry-go-round, it is killing us. The person that walked is not the person we married, end of story. I know it hurts, I know this f*cking sucks more than anything, ever, but we have to put a stop to it. It is killing us. Link to post Share on other sites
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